Eating the Apple

Today I feel a little low. Maybe because I've been in such an upbeat mood lately it's natural I have a low day. I hung out with Fire Guy again Saturday and he is really nice. Maybe to nice. I just sounded like a bitch for saying that. I know. Why is it we always want the jerks, and not the nice ones? Is that God's way of still punishing us for Eve eating the apple? Perhaps. Anyway Saturday went good just Fire Guy showed his age a little after a few beers (he is a few years younger than me, if I forgot to mention that). But that can happen to all of us and since he was so nice Friday I'll give him another chance. He called yesterday and said he wants to see me before I leave for the cruise and since he has to work today and Wednesday we are going to get together Tuesday when I get off work.

Moving on is a hard thing. I thought I was ready and I guess I am but this weekend got me to missing X. Or at least what I had with X. I guess nostalgic would be a better word. It was just so weird to be out with someone new. It's going to take time to adjust. I'm not looking for anything serious and Fire Guy knows that. I feel like when I was younger and got thrown from this one horse I had. I was terrified to get back up on her. On the outside I pretended to be tough but on the inside I was scared. Dating again is the same. On the outside I try to act like every things great but on the inside I'm scared and a nervous wreck. I guess I still worry about if I made a mistake with X. Did I really try hard enough? Maybe I'll never know. Some days I feel like all this has been a bad dream and I'm going to wake up at any time and things will be back to normal. After four months I know this will not happen, yet it still doesn't feel real that it's over. I guess because we were together for so long. It's hard to let go of the past but I'm trying to.

Hanging out with Big is different because I've known him so long it's comfortable whereas Fire Guy's new so it's a totally different ballgame. Maybe that's why I was so shaken. I haven't hung out with Fire Guy yet one on one so we'll see. He's smart, nice, cute, considerate..... so far..... but then at the beginning aren't they all? I need to give him a chance. Really what do I have to lose?

Carrie, "You wouldn't commit to a nice guy, given the option?"

Stanford, "I can't even commit to a long distance carrier. "

SATC