I figured last night would be uneventful. I was thinking I would go home to meet Vivi, we would eat diner and then just lounge around. As we start to eat I get a text "what are ya'll doing tonight?" Of course it was from Big and this was the beginning of the end. And I'll admit I was a little in shock. After hanging out with him practically all weekend normally I would not hear from him for at least a weak.
Vivi and I finished eating and climbed in the car and headed to his house. We didn't know till we got there but the boys were in rare form and we were celebrating Big's passing the military test. As I sat on the porch rail with Big's back to me leaning against me it was if I had hopped in a time machine and went back about ten years. I felt like I was in high school all over. We may have all gained a little weight and the conversations may be slightly different than those years ago but that was it.
One thing led to another and the next thing I know I am in the passenger seat of Big's Jeep heading up the mountain. With the top off the cool night air blows my hair leaving it in knots that seem to take forever to come out. We pull off at the state park overlook and our small group of six pile out of the two Jeeps and head up the walking trail. It's dark and the moon is thankfully hidden on this foggy night. By the light of our phones we make it up the stairs to the overlook platform. We laugh as we all climb up on the rock wall and stare at the midnight beauty of the mountains around us. We joke and laugh ~ conversations and events that are probably best kept secret. Big took me in his arms and we looked up at the few stars in the sky and finally agreed on which one to wish upon. With a quick star bright star light chant we make silent wishes. Wishes that faded into the night air. I made a general wish, one which I will not tell you for then it may not come true. But last night as our laughter reached up to the sky I realize my wish was already coming true.
I'm not sure how long we stood "on top of the world" probably hours but in reality it felt more like minutes.
In trying to keep my distance from Big I tried to remind myself of Fire Guy throughout the night. And not Fire Guy himself per say, but what he represents in general, other nice guys out there that may be interested in dating. We return to the house and I don't ask to stay just say that I have to get up at 7. He nods his head as he glances at the time then says, "well we better get to bed then." We say goodnight and head for the bedroom. My head hits the pillow and I think about how comfortable I am. As he crawls in bed beside me I had to break the silence with a question better left for daylight but easier to speak out loud in the darkness. Seeing as I have never had a friends with benefits I felt I needed a copy of the rule book. So I asked if someone asked us on a date what should we do? Big and I are not dating but because of our arrangement does that mean we are not to date anybody else and if the answer is no then what we have sounds pretty much like a relationship just with a different label. Big asks who asked me on a date. I don't want to reveal to much information so I told him I had not been asked on a date yet but a guy at a work function had asked for my number. Jealousy starts to seep out as he asks for a name. This goes back and forth for a minute then Big tells me he's better off not knowing the guys name because he would then probably want to hunt him down and kick his a**. ~ Got a confused face going on. Yeah I did to. ~ The 'you don't want me but you don't want anybody else to have me' thought crossed my mind but I kept my mouth shut. His back was to me at this point and I wasn't sure if he was mad or not.
Then he rolled over and took me in his arms as he says ~ You know what I want? The same thing I've always wanted. I just want you to be happy. I'm leaving for the military soon, so maybe you should go out with this guy. I just want you to be happy........ ~ He kisses my forehead. I hear his words but I hear the unspoken ones underneath. The 'I'm not going to tell you not to go but I would rather you didn't' ones.
I laid there with his arms around me curled up in my favorite nook of his body. It's a comfort zone. All I really want is for him to let his guard down. I drift off to sleep.
Somehow something changed this past weekend. I don't know when it changed or what exactly changed but I can feel it. It's a new level of comfort. Is it because he will now hold my hand in front of our friends? Is it because we both know he's leaving soon? Maybe it's that time machine. Maybe because he is being more affectionate and it feels all to familiar. Like a favorite old sweatshirt that just fits and is so comfortable you refuse to get rid of it.
This morning the alarm went off all to soon. I would have given anything to have called in sick. Instead I softly shook his shoulder trying to wake him so he could give me a ride home. This didn't work so after bouncing on his side like a trampoline for 15 minutes he finally laughed as he pleaded "ok, ok I'm getting up." I pulled on one of his long sleeve shirts in preparation for the cold morning air. I climbed in the Jeep and as we started the short journey to my house my teeth chattering. He laughed and cranked up the heat. Which if you've ever rode in an old Jeep with the top off you know as well as I do this was a nice gesture but utterly useless. Heat emerges from the floorboard vents blowing stronger closer to his side. He puts his hand on my leg and pulls it closer to his side and the heat. His hand remains on my leg till he has to change gears. As we pull in my drive-way he leans over and hugs me. There is no awkwardness, not that there really ever has been, but it just feels different. Something I can't put my finger on. My heart feels light today and my head clear. I have my eyes open ready for whatever may lie ahead.
Vivi and I finished eating and climbed in the car and headed to his house. We didn't know till we got there but the boys were in rare form and we were celebrating Big's passing the military test. As I sat on the porch rail with Big's back to me leaning against me it was if I had hopped in a time machine and went back about ten years. I felt like I was in high school all over. We may have all gained a little weight and the conversations may be slightly different than those years ago but that was it.
One thing led to another and the next thing I know I am in the passenger seat of Big's Jeep heading up the mountain. With the top off the cool night air blows my hair leaving it in knots that seem to take forever to come out. We pull off at the state park overlook and our small group of six pile out of the two Jeeps and head up the walking trail. It's dark and the moon is thankfully hidden on this foggy night. By the light of our phones we make it up the stairs to the overlook platform. We laugh as we all climb up on the rock wall and stare at the midnight beauty of the mountains around us. We joke and laugh ~ conversations and events that are probably best kept secret. Big took me in his arms and we looked up at the few stars in the sky and finally agreed on which one to wish upon. With a quick star bright star light chant we make silent wishes. Wishes that faded into the night air. I made a general wish, one which I will not tell you for then it may not come true. But last night as our laughter reached up to the sky I realize my wish was already coming true.I'm not sure how long we stood "on top of the world" probably hours but in reality it felt more like minutes.
In trying to keep my distance from Big I tried to remind myself of Fire Guy throughout the night. And not Fire Guy himself per say, but what he represents in general, other nice guys out there that may be interested in dating. We return to the house and I don't ask to stay just say that I have to get up at 7. He nods his head as he glances at the time then says, "well we better get to bed then." We say goodnight and head for the bedroom. My head hits the pillow and I think about how comfortable I am. As he crawls in bed beside me I had to break the silence with a question better left for daylight but easier to speak out loud in the darkness. Seeing as I have never had a friends with benefits I felt I needed a copy of the rule book. So I asked if someone asked us on a date what should we do? Big and I are not dating but because of our arrangement does that mean we are not to date anybody else and if the answer is no then what we have sounds pretty much like a relationship just with a different label. Big asks who asked me on a date. I don't want to reveal to much information so I told him I had not been asked on a date yet but a guy at a work function had asked for my number. Jealousy starts to seep out as he asks for a name. This goes back and forth for a minute then Big tells me he's better off not knowing the guys name because he would then probably want to hunt him down and kick his a**. ~ Got a confused face going on. Yeah I did to. ~ The 'you don't want me but you don't want anybody else to have me' thought crossed my mind but I kept my mouth shut. His back was to me at this point and I wasn't sure if he was mad or not.
Then he rolled over and took me in his arms as he says ~ You know what I want? The same thing I've always wanted. I just want you to be happy. I'm leaving for the military soon, so maybe you should go out with this guy. I just want you to be happy........ ~ He kisses my forehead. I hear his words but I hear the unspoken ones underneath. The 'I'm not going to tell you not to go but I would rather you didn't' ones.
I laid there with his arms around me curled up in my favorite nook of his body. It's a comfort zone. All I really want is for him to let his guard down. I drift off to sleep.
Somehow something changed this past weekend. I don't know when it changed or what exactly changed but I can feel it. It's a new level of comfort. Is it because he will now hold my hand in front of our friends? Is it because we both know he's leaving soon? Maybe it's that time machine. Maybe because he is being more affectionate and it feels all to familiar. Like a favorite old sweatshirt that just fits and is so comfortable you refuse to get rid of it.
This morning the alarm went off all to soon. I would have given anything to have called in sick. Instead I softly shook his shoulder trying to wake him so he could give me a ride home. This didn't work so after bouncing on his side like a trampoline for 15 minutes he finally laughed as he pleaded "ok, ok I'm getting up." I pulled on one of his long sleeve shirts in preparation for the cold morning air. I climbed in the Jeep and as we started the short journey to my house my teeth chattering. He laughed and cranked up the heat. Which if you've ever rode in an old Jeep with the top off you know as well as I do this was a nice gesture but utterly useless. Heat emerges from the floorboard vents blowing stronger closer to his side. He puts his hand on my leg and pulls it closer to his side and the heat. His hand remains on my leg till he has to change gears. As we pull in my drive-way he leans over and hugs me. There is no awkwardness, not that there really ever has been, but it just feels different. Something I can't put my finger on. My heart feels light today and my head clear. I have my eyes open ready for whatever may lie ahead."Maybe all men are a drug.
Sometimes they bring you down and sometimes,
like now, they get you so high."
~ Carrie, SATC ~
1 comment:
We have very different memories of this night. It was one of your most fond memories and it is the one night of my entire life I wish I could completely forget forever. I wish I hadn't even been there--ever. You smile, I cry.
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