With Pen To Paper

I picked up the phone and made the call before I could change my mind. The call I had put off for to many months as it was. I was told the paperwork would be ready this afternoon. But was I ready? A few short hours later I was driving thru the rain knowing I was doing what I had to do but not feeling any better about the situation. But with no alternatives this was my only option. I took a deep breath and pulled my coat tightly around me to shield myself from the rain; a rain that despite the temperature would chill you to the bone. I hurried from the 4runner toward the off white stucco building that looked much to cheerful on this dreary day. I walked up the few short steps and with one hand removed my hood while the other reached to turn the gold doorknob. Once inside I was greeted by a familiar face, "I have everything ready," she smiled as she retrieved a thin, manila folder from a tray on her desk. She opened it and turned it to face me and handed me a blue ink pen.

"Here is the address and here is the name you are signing it over to," she pointed as she talked my eyes quickly skimming the document. "And I just need you to sign here," she pointed to a line at the bottom that had my name typed neatly underneath.

With pen to paper I started to scrawl my name, my minds eye seeing a pair of scissors in place of the pen cutting the last string that tied X and myself together. I was flooded with a rush of emotions: happiness, nostalgia, sadness, anger, defeat, embarrassment, regret, nausea.

A sense of freedom washed over me as I left the office my copies of the paperwork clutched tightly to my chest. In a swift instance it was gone; the connection to my past life and my past self.

"So many roads. So many detours. So many choices. So many mistakes."

~ Carrie, SATC ~

Still Not Ready

So I ran into X this past weekend. With the new girl. Well "ran into" may be a strong word. In reality I entered the bar after work Friday with GirlFriend, Alice, and Punk-Rock-Chick almost immediately I am warned by another friend there that the pair is in the vicinity. As the words leave her mouth I see them out of my peripheral vision... something that after playing basketball for so many years still tends to come in handy. I see her crane her neck to see me, he has already spotted me. I never look their way. I smile to my friends and thru gritted teeth say I think I need to go. With as much grace as I can muster I fight the urge to run from the bar in tears and calmly make my exit with GirlFriend by my side. I left because I wasn't ready. I left because I was almost embarrassed to be in the same room with him. I left because the site of him still makes me want to cry. I also left out of what little once of respect I have left for him.... I did say little...... In that he has respected my wishes by not coming in Sports Bar when he knows I'm working or by showing up at other places he knows I'll be. So I kinda looked at it like he was there first. Besides the bar was empty 15 people there tops. If it had been a larger crowd I might have stayed...... but with no crowd to disappear into....



Friday was a weird day anyway.



Marine is back from Iraq!! He is so happy to be back and is wanting everyone to go out this coming up Saturday. Half of our small town will probably be there, which will include X along with several of my friend's X's I'm sure. So mentally I have been trying to prepare for this would be run in. If it weren't for Marine I probably wouldn't go. He is so excited to be home and when he requested I come it wasn't so much of a question as a "you better be there". Therefor I will hide my uncertainties and go. But I will look extra good just in case!



Pause



Halt! Wait! Hold the Presses!



Just found out X will probably not be there ~ his cousin is getting married..... didn't realize that was this weekend!! Wooooo Hooooo! Thanks Vivi! That just made my day! Now I can look forward to going out with my friends and not have to worry about any uncomfortable, awkward moments!

Carrie, "So you're a pessimist, right?"

Miranda, "Have we met?"

~ Sex & The City ~

Note To Self

Note to future self if ever in a relationship again:

1. It's middle of the day and he has not called or texted you, this is no need for panic. He has a job. He's busy. Plain and Simple. Deal with it.
2. Why he's not calling: you pick a fight everytime he calls / you bitch at him over every little thing. If the situation were reversed would you want to call him? Shake of head, nope didn't think so. Solution = chill out!!
3. Even though it's your time of the month that does not give you the "get out of jail free card" to be a witch. Yes, cramps suck. But freaking out over little stuff does not make them go away.
4. Think things thru ~ so what he didn't give you a Valentine's Card, he did take you out for a romantic diner, etc. Yes a card would have been nice but years from now what will you remember? A card or a romantic evening with your loved one?
5. Pick your battles.
6. After 6 months he has stopped trying to Woo you. In his eyes if you have stopped wearing make-up and trying to impress him why should he still try to impress you? It is a two way street. Just like you are now in the comfort zone, so is he.
7. His Ex is his Ex for a reason therefor there is no need to worry about her. He's with you not her ~ be happy with that and let it go. Even if he happens to run into her somewhere does not mean that he will suddenly, magically want her.

I'm sure there are more. This list is comprised of things I have had to listen to from friends during the past week. Maybe it's something to do with the planetary alignment, maybe they are all going crazy at once, or perhaps I can now see things from an outsiders perspective a tad more clearly. I have always said girls are crazy ~ at least at times. And I'm not excluding myself from this generalization, I have my moments to. As an outsider it's easier to see the problem as a whole. I just wish sometimes these girls could take a step back and see how silly they are being. But like a storm the problems quickly pass and once again they will experience smooth sailing. As long as I get a drink with a little umbrella in it I'm happy.

Barney, "Watch your step when you get up kids, 'cause I'm about to drop some knowledge. Relationships are like a freeway. "

Marshall, "Wait a minute. A month ago you told me relationships were like a traveling circus."

Barney, "No, this is new, this trumps that. Freeways have exits, so do relationships. The first exit, my personal favorite, is six hours in. You meet, you talk, you have sex, you exit when she's in the shower."

Robin, "So, every girl you have sex with feels the immediate need to shower? Actually yeah, I get that."

Barney, [ignoring what Robin just said] "The next exits are four days, three weeks, seven months - That's when you guys" [pointing at Ted and Robin] "are gonna break up, mark your calendars."

Ted, "Hey!"

Robin, "What? "

Barney, "Then a year and a half, eighteen years, and the last exit: death, which, if you've been with the same woman for your entire life, it's like "Are we there yet?" "

~ How I Met Your Mother ~

V-Day Recap

This year I think I may have had one of the best Valentine's days ever. There was no expectations therefor no disappointment. When in a relationship Valentines day is always built up to be one of the most romantic days of the year..... at least in a female mind, what can I say we can be easily wooed and awed by commercials. Therefor we expect it to be a romantic day. And it doesn't take money to create romance. It's the thought that counts. But guys from what I have gathered just don't get it. I mean to them its just some holiday that makes them buy some pointless item to show a girl he likes her, which if he truly does like her he shows her everyday anyway. So on this day every girl expects her guy to be prince charming..... which he very rarely is.

So this year I got to listen to several trivial problems my girlfriends encountered with their not so quite prince charmings. If this was any other day of the year they both would have realized they were being crazy and the guy really didn't do anything wrong. This year I enjoyed my day of being single by going to work, meeting Vivi at Vixen's where we drank a beer and played some Rock-Band, then we got ready for a night out.

We get ready and head south. We arrive at the club where we quickly meet the DJ's that are there for the night hosting the V-Day party. These are the DJ's we won the VIP tickets from a few weeks back so we introduce ourselves as the winners and they start talking to us about the event. This ensues to them offering us free drinks from their private table. Of course I got to hear the fair share of lame pick-up lines...... these will one day become a post of their own.

As we get ready to leave the Guy calls, just leaving another club he and his friends had had tickets to, wanting to meet up. It's late we're hungry so we agree to meet up for food. Vivi and I though need directions. He gives the phone to his friend and I give mine to Vivi. After what seemed like a minute but in reality was probably about ten Vivi hangs up the phone with a snarl and tosses it in my general direction. We have been in a circle, she is frustrated. "We are going North." she simply states. When she has that look I know better than to protest, even for Paul Walker would I be afraid to protest. So as my phone rings and I answer it to the a voice asking me why he had been hung up on I explain that their directions were not so good and that we were headed home. The Guy was nice. Even called to make sure we made it home ok (we had a little over an hour drive home). Overall it was a great V-Day!

And let me state here for the record, Bare Minerals has some industrial strength eyeliner! I don't really wear much make up so anytime we go out Vivi or Blondie always glam me up a bit. For Saturday I went for the rockstar eyes, a great look. Sexy and smokin hot might as well be guaranteed on the box! I close my eye and with a few quick sweeps Vivi lines my eyes with the black pencil. The result was great! At 4 am when we finally drug ourselves home, I went to the bathroom to wash my face before crashing. I pull out the bottle of eye make-up remover and splash some on a cotton ball and sweep it over my eyes. The cotton ball is black but my eyes are still perfectly outlined. I open the drawer and pull out a Q-Tip which I did in the solution and rub over my eyes. Once again the line remains....... huh............ ok........... I take my wet wash cloth and run it over my entire face enjoying the warmth. My face is bare of all makeup..... but the eyeliner. I give up.

I went to bed figuring I'll worry about it the next day. The next day I get up wash my face again. The eyeliner remains. I take a shower and of course wash my face. I get out of the shower and a glance in the mirror shows the black lines still there. Ugh! I give up and put on make-up. This is day 2 mind you.

Day 3: Monday Wake up take a shower. Once again take eye make-up remover on a Q-tip and trace around my eyes. Like before some comes off but still the black lines remain. WTF is this stuff made of???!!! I throw on mascara and the liner is perfectly in place as if I had just put it on. Monday night I get home and after much more scrubbing another layer of liner comes off. By this morning morning it all finally seems to be gone. Rockstars party hard, guess they expect the eyeliner to as well.

“Beneath the makeup and behind the smile I'm just a girl who wishes for the world.”

~ Marilyn Monroe ~

Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th, even as I type that I can hear the Dun, Dun, Dun sound effect playing thru my mind. I know the superstition is that Friday the 13th is supposed to be unlucky and some people believe this. But not I ~ I dare to be different. I view it as a lucky day. Why? Because it's rare and not the norm perhaps. And weird things tend to usually happen on these days. You never know what to expect.

For example as I sat at work trying to not think about how this would be my first Valentine's alone in years I see a woman coming towards the office. In her arms is a huge bouquet of flowers.... I see my favorite lily's among them and know it can't be coincidence. They must be for me. And they are..... as the lady hands them to me I eagerly take the card out from amongst them curious to see who they are from. I expect them to be from my mom.... my dad always sent me flowers for V-Day.... but they are from Babbles and her husband. So thoughtful and so beautiful! I almost cry as I read the card. You know I am very lucky. I may not be lucky in love but I have the best luck when it comes to friends. Cause I truly have the best there is! Without Vivi, Vixen, Blondie, Babbles, Giggles, Conscious, Punk-Rock-Chick, and Alice life would not be nearly as interesting!


The day was going great. It was beautiful outside and with the great weather I was in a great mood. Wow that was alot of great! :) After work I headed to Sports bar for yet another night of work. While I stand at the bar pouring a beer I feel my phone vibrate in my apron. It's the guy I met on the VIP night calling. For the past week we had played phone tag. He would call, I'd call back somehow always missing each other. To busy to answer this time was no different. And I went about the night not thinking much of it. The night was slow and I was out of Sports Bar by 11:30. Realizing I had nothing to lose I decided to call the Guy back, not really expecting him to answer. To my surprise he does. He's actually at work....... I know he told me what he did that night but in my vodka haze I'll be honest I was so not even paying attention........ He's an EMT and is on call. Which he explains that tonight translates into sitting in an ambulance waiting for trouble to strike. Its a slow night and he exits the vehicle to continue his conversation with me in semi-private. What I expected to be a short talk turned into 1 am me looking at the clock thinking I need to go bed and him actually getting a call and having to go to rush off to the scene of an accident.

See anything can happen on Friday the 13th ~ you never know what surprises are in store. The Guy seemed really nice. It was weird kinda getting to know someone who I know nothing about or don't know someone who knows him. He is from further south and out of range of my small town gossip reach. I have never dated a guy that was a complete stranger. Is that weird? Even Fire Guy who I didn't really know, I knew who he was and knew people who did know him. Also he knew some about me and X therefor it was kinda easier to have that awkward conversation. But with a stranger how do I admit what I see as my biggest failure... the fact that at such a young age I am divorced? I mean I know it wasn't like me and X just rushed into marriage or anything. But still it feels like a brand on my body showing that something has to be wrong with me for the failure.

When he asked about my last relationship I told him how long it was and a general of why we split but I didn't say that we were married. I don't feel I know him well enough to tell him that and divulge such personal information. But this made me ponder the question; how do you tell someone that? and when is the right time? Vivi said three dates. That is a good general rule I guess. But I feel like waiting to tell is similar to lying. Jeez I over-analyze things way to much!

"I'm going to get Jake but I leave the front door unlocked in case Satan shows up to collect your soul."

~ Alan, Two & a Half Men ~

Tuesday Moving and Movies

Ok so moving. Yeah. It has drug on for months now. Why? Not real sure. Maybe because I really didn't want to move in the first place. Maybe because I know that with the house I am giving up a sense of my freedom and independence; so like a life line I cling to it. Cause even though it is nearly empty, it is still home. And truth be told I miss it terribly. I miss going home on nice evenings and going for walks thru the small neighborhood with Hyper and then enjoying diner on the back porch. I digress. So today BG came and helped me move the fridge and stove out.

Yes, I am talking about the same BG who I received the drunken text's from. I saw him a few days after that night and with a laugh I told him he was a worse drunk texter than myself. With a "Yeah" and a laugh we moved one both acknowledging the fact of what was said but in a silent mutual agreement we would not let it affect our friendship and pretend it never happened.

So for the past two months I have been trying to round up some muscle power to move these two heavy items. And it seems everytime I think I have help it rains or something happens and they have to cancel. This going back to Trouble being really the only guy friend I can always count on. But Trouble has been out of town for work. Stupid me should have thought of BG sooner. BG is similar to Trouble in that I can always count on him and he always does what he says he will do. Which I am a big believer in. So he showed up and together we got everything else moved. I need to do one last walk thru of the house this weekend and gather a few stray items and I will be done. Everything will be out. Kinda bittersweet.

Then tonight some of the girls (Giggles, Babbles, Alice, random GirlFriend) and myself went to see He's Just Not That Into You. During the car ride random GirlFriend coined us the Blonde Mafia. Which seemed quite fitting. The movie was pretty good. It had its moments. The problem is when I watch a movie I usually try to identify with a character within the movie. I could relate to several of the characters, but as I sat there with my four friends who are all happily in relationships, I couldn't help but feel like the girl at the end of the movie who is alone and starting over. Which is just what I'm doing. But the others had an ending..... her..... well it just showed her moving into a new place...... what was her ending? I wanted some closure for her. I don't want to spoil the movie; you'll see what I mean if you watch it. Overall it was a cute movie. But it left me wondering at some of the crazy antics - do some girls really act like that???

“A girl will never forget the first boy she ever likes.”

~ He's Just Not That Into You (movie) ~

Spring Fever

As the temperature has crept up the past few days I have found myself riding with the sunroof open. In doing so I believe I have caught spring fever!! The symptoms of which have me wanting to bring out the t-shirts and flip flops.

With the temperature change I can also feel my mood changing, as if the funk is lifting. What is it about winter that makes me want to hibernate? The spring air seems to awaken me, and I long to be out doing stuff! Which means the past few days have been a little hectic!

For some reason I think I got home late Thursday...... because I just remember come Friday I hadn't had much sleep...... oh well, don't really remember. Anyway. So Friday I go to office job (Job #1) then leave there at 5, to head to Sports Bar (Job #2) where I work for a few hours then as it slows I frantically do my end of the night routine. When this is done I all but sprint to the parking lot; jumping in the 4runner and getting it cranked before I even have the door closed. Ok maybe I'm exaggerating a little. But time is of the essence. Or so I think as I head south only stopping long enough to pick up Vivi. We were en route to a club that one of our favorite singers was playing at.

45 minute drive later we pull into the club. Only to find the line outrageously long!!!

We knew we'd miss the opening band...... so the crowd should be gone by now....... wrong!Apparently Ticketmaster had a major goof up!!

Never being ones to call it quits we merely go to plan B. Ok we didn't really have a plan B, but we think quick on our feet.... Down the road is a place we visited in college. The drinks are cheap, atmosphere great and Friday brings the guarantee of live music. We grab seats at the bar, the night is late but I take a chance and text a friend from college to see if she is in town. Vivi and I haven't seen her in about two years, luck would have it she was in town and was quick to accept the invitation to meet up. The night past quickly as we hung out with her and some of her friends. I was the DD and sipped on Dr. Pepper as we mingled listening to funny stories and sharing some of our own. Vivi had had a long week and if anyone needed a drink I knew it was her. But after she threw back a Sex with an Alligator, I knew it was time to head out.

On the way home I realize it is after 3 a.m. and I'm starving! I'm sober, tired, and hungry. Then like a light at the end of the tunnel I see those brightly lit golden arches! Ah I had it my way!

Saturday morning I was awoken by Vixen standing over me asking how hungover I was. Not trying to be subtle in the least it was obvious she hoped my head was pounding so that she may gain amusement by torturing me slowly. A look of disappointment washed over her face upon learning I had been the DD but it quickly gave way to a look of delight as she moved on to her next victim. The next thing I hear is Vivi mumble in her drunk-sleep-induced-state to the dog, "Please do not lay on my face...." at which I hear Vixen snicker. Ah the joys of friendship. Can't be to mad though cause after the short torture test she did cook breakfast. So it kinda balanced each other out.

After eating I headed to the barn. It was to pretty of a day to be inside. Once at the barn I passed up my barrel horse and headed to the stall of my retired barrel horse. She is 23 and I call her retired because due to arthritis I have not ridden her in about 2 years. Thanks to glucosamine though she has been feeling better and with the warm spring day I figure she can at least handle a short ride. It was great!! I have had many horses over the years, but none can hold a candle to her. She is my pride and joy. As we rode thru the woods, the wind rustling my hair slightly I feel free. Happy. It made me long for years past when we were both younger and arthritis didn't hinder her. There will never be another one like her.

“I can make a General in five minutes but a good horse is hard to replace.”

~ Abraham Lincoln ~

25

So like a virus the "25 Things" post has spread on Facebook like wildfire!! I've been putting it off and putting it off but after being tagged several times I figured what the heck and gave in and posted it. And of course while writing it I could not think of anything to say, but once done I thought of all the things I should have said. Isn't that how it always goes! But really how honest are we on these sorta things? I mean I told 25 things but of course I was perhaps not as honest as I should have been. So here under my blanket of anonymity I will tell my 25 "truths" per say.

1. At 26 I am no where near where I thought I would be in life; I have yet to take life by the horns and make things happen in my career. Instead I just seem to have the cruise control set.
2. I miss living alone.
3. I took everyone's advice last week and told X to never call me again........ I wish I could say I haven't spoken to him since but still trying to tie up lose ends with the house.... well you see where this is going..... he has called....... But today, ah today I stood up to him and stood my ground. All over a wooden block full of knives (you know what I'm talking about? One that sits nicely on the kitchen counter?). Anyway I stood my ground and wouldn't let him have them. Petty? Perhaps.... but when you consider how much money and all he owes me and the fact I bought them.... no its not petty. I was nice about it and told him he could have our other set of knives but not that one. I could tell he was mad.
4. Being me, the person who always wants everybody to be happy and get along, felt bad and almost called him back and told him he could have the knives. But I didn't. Haven't heard from him sense. Very childish on his part. Perhaps this will make him stop calling.
5. I'm tired of stressing about money and the lack of it.
6. Some days I wish things could work out with Mr. Big ~ other days I'm thankful they haven't.
7. Rock Of Love is one of my weaknesses (it's like a train wreck ~ poor Brett when's he ever going to learn).
8. I'm ready for summer and everything that goes along with it! Warm weather, flip flops, road trips, etc.
9. I worry about my little brother (he's not really my little brother but may as well be) who leaves for the Army in June.
10. Secretly I want to take Trouble up on his offer and get on a plane and go spend a week at the beach.
11. I realize that even though I have gotten older the guys that hit on me have stayed the same age...... I take it's because I'm short I do look younger than I am.
12. Is it bad I have even considered going out with one of these younger boys? In my defense I thought he was older than he was till just a few days ago..... well that goes for 2 of them.
13. Some days I'd like to pack my bags in the car and just drive. No plan. Nothing. Just see where I end up. And start over from there.
14. I'm ready to have a family and kids (Vivi is thinking I'm crazy right about now as she reads this).
15. I think I'm starting to like beer, which I hate to admit, but oh how I miss rum!!
16. I'm not really sure I'm ready to date. Someone told me it would take me 2 and 1/2 years to get over X. That scares the hell out of me. I know its like when you fall off a horse the best thing to do is get back on..... But since Fire Guy I haven't even really met a guy I would want to go on a date with. Is it that I'm scared of getting hurt? Or that I miss X?
17. I think some of my earlier posts were more entertaining and insightful than those I have written in the past few months. Ready to get out of this funk I've been in. Maybe I need a vacation...... or just the money to pay for a vacation........
18. I miss nights with "the boys" (Don Juan, Big, Trouble, Lil Bro, and random Guy Friends).
19. I went back and bought the black heals (and they were on sale even more).
20. Out of all the guys I've ever dated Fire Guy was the nicest and I miss hanging out ~ He always took me to do the most random, fun stuff! Had we met at another point in my life I think I may have considered him a worthy candidate for a long term relationship
21. I tell everyone my magic number is 4 ~ really it's 6 but I think 2 cross each other out. Either way Vixen and I refuse to go above 10 and last year I was to broken-hearted/trying-to-rebound and didn't handle Crown to well on an occasion. Besides if I don't remember it, it didn't happen or if it did it obviously wasn't that good therefor it shouldn't count. At least that is what I will go by and refuse to admit to what may or may not have been a drunken night escapade.
22. There is a museum exhibit I'm really wanting to go see and I have a feeling I will have to sucker someone into going with me soon.....
23. I realized yesterday that my size 4 jeans are becoming to lose and that I may have to go back down to a size 2. Most girls would be thrilled with this.... me not so much. For one I don't have the money to buy new jeans and two I'm happy the way I am. This sounded really crazy but hey I warned you 25 random things.
24. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to let some of my friends read this blog.... mainly Vixen and Conscious. But I know if I do I would stop being as honest.
25. I want to be swept off my feet.

"I'm not good or real...I'm evil, and imaginary."

~ Karen, Will & Grace ~

SuperBowl

It happens once a year. Me and my girls get together to drink beer, eat wings, and watch football.... Ok well maybe that happens more than once a year (every weekend during college football), but once a year for Superbowl. This year was no different as we placed out self in front of the big screen and prepared for the big game and the crazy commercials that would surly ensue. Yes me and my girls love football!!!

I was pulling for the Steelers and was glad to see them pull it off in the end. It was a good game..... ok who am I kidding. I'll be honest after halftime I had consumed enough beer to blur the score. Good news I'm adapting better to beer. That's not really good news, but for my wallet it is!

I love football.... if you knew me and my girls you'd probably find this funny, because at first glance you would think we knew nothing about football. That's the good thing about us, we are well rounded and full of surprises!

Marshall, "But just to make sure it records, maybe we should bow our heads and say a quiet prayer to the TiVo gods."

Ted, "Almighty TiVo, We thank you for all the gifts you have given us. The power to freeze live TV to go take a leak is nothing short of god-like. And let's not forget fast-forwarding through commercials. It seems greedy to ask anything more from you, o magic box, but if you malfunction and miss the Super Bowl, we will destroy you in the alley with baseball bats."

Marshall and Ted, "Amen. "

~ How I Met Your Mother ~