Learning The Hard Way

The title of this blog should have perhaps been: I Should Have Known Better ~ I mean I seem to be saying (or at least thinking) that alot here lately. That or What Was I Thinking ~ both appropriate choices.

Saturday was no exception. I loaded Horse on the trailer after the show and reached in the car for my phone as I was also grabbing the bag of chips to hand to Vixen. 3 new messages. Absentmindedly I press the button while handing Vixen the chips. We are in mid conversation but as I glance down at the phone my voice drifts off. X. All 3 are from X.

1. "Sorry to bother u, but I would like to talk to u sometime."

2. "I need to ask u something"

3. "Call me when you get a chance"

Vixen with a smile, "Want me to call him?"

"No," I reply, "Hope everything is ok...."

We tell each other goodbye and I get in the car to head home. The clock on the dash reads 1:15 a.m. the last message was received about 3o minutes ago. I scroll thru the phonebook stopping at his name and pressing the send button. After two rings his familiar voice greets me.

"Everything ok?" I ask.

"Yeah...." He then asks me about the horse show and the conversation is actually nice as he laughs over mine and Vixen's horse show night stories.

I remind myself this isn't a friendly call and try to get to the point of the the phone call. "I just got your messages...."

"I need to talk to you. Think we can meet tomorrow?"

DANGER, DANGER flashes thru my head. "Why?"

"I need to talk to you," his voice is soft and luring, "Will you meet me?"

"I don't know..... What do you need to talk about?"

"I'd rather talk in person."

"Are you gonna make me cry?" I ask point blank.

"No."

About to lose service I tell him I will call him back. As I drive over the mountain so many things are going thru my mind. Do I hear him out? Do I tell him to go to hell? What could he possibly want?

As I unload Horse I spend extra time brushing her off. In the late night I hear the other horses rustle around, their slumber disturbed. Its peaceful. I love being at the barn by myself in the late of night or early morning. Somehow it has a calming affect. Allows me time to think.

X said he would meet me at the barn. I declined that idea and told him I would meet him in town. Looking back perhaps I should have waited till the next day, but lets face it I'm just not that patient. It is now past 2 a.m. the night is calm and still. As I drive along the dark road my head is telling me to turn around. Not look back. Just go home.

My heart won't let me. It keeps me driving forward.

I arrive and get out of the car. We stand a moment in the cool night beside my car. I shiver. I climb back in the driver seat and he walks around to get in on the passenger side. I still have on my boots and dirt streaked jeans. I smell of horse, dirt and sweat; my hair is piled up in a ponytail, it to distorted from the long night. Yet I don't care. After a few minutes of small talk I ask what he wanted to talk about.

Open the flood gates. Out of his mouth comes all the words I had wanted to hear.

I love you ~ √

I miss you ~ √

I want to give us a second chance ~ √

I'm not happy without you ~ √

And the checklist could go on but you get the gist. At this point I am very leery as I sit trying to take it all in. This isn't the first time he has done this. I mean this is a every 3 months deal. I want so much to believe him. I wish things would have never gotten to this point.

But we live and we learn.

And believe it or not I have learned.

Well at least a little bit.

I ask him what makes me think that he won't change his mind like the times before. He assures me he won't.

Where did all this come from, I ask.

He tells me that he already felt this way but when he heard about the accident his heart stopped and that all he could think was "I wasn't there" and "What if it had been worse".

I tell him my doubts, my fears and my concerns. All of which he has seemed to have anticipated. I tell him we can go on a date and start talking again. I'm not rushing into anything with him or anyone else. If he wants us to have a second chance we will go slow and still there are no guarantees. I point out that I am a very different person than I was a year ago and he may discover that he doesn't love the 'new' me.

Why did I agree? My head knew better but fact is I still love him. I always have and probably always will. That's the sucky part about love; you can't always chose who you love.

The sun is rising as we say our goodbyes.

On my drive home I was still unsure. Unsure if it was a good idea. And truth be told, unsure if it would even happen. Not saying I can predict the future but sometimes you just got to listen to your gut. And my gut was screaming at this point.

I arrive home at 6:30 a.m. --- fifteen minutes shy of being awake 24 hours. Yet I don't feel tired. I fall asleep for a few short hours and the phone goes off. It's X saying he hasn't been able to sleep.

He calls. We talk. He back peddles. "I don't know what I want...." He tells me he doesn't know what he wants, he needs time. I tell him I have no time to give him. I've given him plenty of time in the past. "You called me." I point out saying his mind should have been made up before calling me in the first place.

I hang up and fight to hold back the tears. I knew better. I always do. This time though I am not as upset. I didn't let my guard down as much. And I expected this outcome.

This was Sunday.

It is now Thursday. I am not sad. More mad. Mad at myself for calling him back. Mad at myself for agreeing to meet him. Mad at myself for listening to the empty words. Mad at him for doing this to me yet again.

One day I will learn.

I hear every word they say

They tell me to stay away

They say I'm better off without you, baby

You've caused me nothing but pain

Heartaches your middle name

But seems I never see it coming

I'll just admit it baby

You really drive me crazy

Let go of my heart

cause every time you're near me

I can't think clearly

Defenses fall apart

I keep livin and lovin and learnin the hard way

You're the hardest lesson, baby, of my life

I keep livin and lovin and learnin the hard way

Someday baby, I will get it right

~ Faith Hill, The Hard Way ~