Marriage A Thing Of The Past?

So today I scroll thru the list of updated Blogs and head over to Date Girl Diaries, which lead me to:

On marriage: Let’s call the whole thing off
Author Sandra Tsing Loh is ending her marriage. Is it time you did, too?

I really don't have time to read the article yet I find my eyes drifting down the page so that I can relate it to Date Girl's post and hopefully compose a well formed comment. The author is ending her marriage. Yet she goes on to list statistics of why marriage is perhaps no longer a "forever" thing.

The issue has me torn. If you could rewind about two years I would stand here and adamantly disagree saying that marriage can be 'to death to us part' and a slide show would display my parents along with the parents of my five closest friends - all proof that marriage can work.

But now? Now I stand before you as a statistic. A statistic that shows marriage doesn't always work. Everyone who has read me before knows I am divorced. Which I am shamed to say. I never thought I would say that. I didn't think nor did I want to be a statistic. But shit happens. Sounds harsh but true. I tried. Some days I question myself and ask "Did I try hard enough?" some days I can only remember the good as if the bad never happened. But the reality kicks in and I know I tried and I know that the bad was real.

Do I wish I would have never got divorced? Yes. But if I had not would I have been staying married for the right reasons? Probably not. I may never know. Marriage is hard work and I hate to say it but love sometimes is not enough. I loved X very much and still love him and probably will until the day I die. I may never experience that form of love again. Yet love could not solve our problems.

Ok enough about me. I get sidetracked easily. Back to the article. She says that because the life span is longer now that marriage is just not as feasible (nor necessary) as it was in the past. And instead of putting the spark back in your marriage its easier to go out and find a new spark. ~ You know what she is probably right, It IS easier to go out and find a new spark. But that is the easy way out, is it not? So no, I do not agree with her. Yes, marriage takes work. But what in life doesn't?

I understand that women today are more independent therefore do not rely on the man as a provider as they once did - and I am sure this has an impact on the matter of divorce. Women are much more capable of making it on their own. However when you delve into the heart of it I think all women want to believe in marriage. Yet in today's society it is perhaps not as feasible as it once was.

Just like I want to believe that a life long marriage is possible. I want to believe in falling in love and having the family and the happily ever after. But speaking still from the position of the woman scorned I just don't know that lays in my cards.

"Leaning forward heavily across the bar, she swirls her glass and huskily drops the bomb: “I have to tell you — since we talked, I too have started thinking divorce.” “No!” we girls exclaim. With a stab of nausea, I suddenly feel as though now that I’ve touched my pool of friends with my black pen, a cloud of ink is enveloping them."

~ Sandra Tsing Loh ~

On Safari Anticipating A Flood

Thursday night I met Vixen at the theater to watch the anxiously awaited action sequel, Transformers (Which was great by the way). As we take our seats and wait for the movie to start Vixen tells me that Edward has invited us to come out after the movie and meet up with him and some of his friends.

I have to work the next day so I decline the tempting invitation but encourage Vixen to go. We both came straight from work. She has on a white t-shirt, jean shorts, and flip flops. I am dressed in what I consider one of my few "cute" chick outfits (cause lets face it I am far from a fashion goddess) jeans, black heals, black tank top with a cropped sleeve black and gray jacket over top.

Vixen, "I don't want to go meet his friends dressed like this."

Me, "You don't look bad....."

She gives me the 'yeah right look'. "Trade clothes with me."

This is how I found myself after the movie in the theater bathroom handicap stall with Vixen literally giving her the clothes off my back. 10 minutes later I emerged in a white v-neck shirt (which might I add Vixen's has a larger bosom than myself so it was much more low cut on me than it had been on her ~ Also to top it off I had on a leopard print bra. Yes I did say leopard print.) And I had on my long jeans given that I had been wearing heals so when exchanging for the flip flops I had to roll up my pants legs so as to not trip and fall. Yes, ladies and gentleman I exited the women's restroom with my head held high trying to ignore the fact that I looked like a lost hooker on safari anticipating a flood.

Now that is what I call true friendship.

"Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one."

~ C.S. Lewis ~

A Fallen Hero

Four years has gone by since the death of a friend in Iraq. Wow it doesn't seem like that long. But in away it seems so much longer. Today would have been his 28th birthday.

I remember his last trip home. He was all smiles. He told us about the children in Iraq he had come to know and that he liked handing out toys. He was so positive and upbeat.

"Hard times don't create heroes. It is during the hard times when the 'hero' within us is revealed."

~ Bob Riley ~

True Blood

Friday night after diner and drinks with Giggles I headed to Vixen's. One of the V-Card carrying members was coming up for the weekend but he was not expected to arrive till later so Vixen had rented the first disc of True Blood for us to watch. I have read several books in the series but had yet to see the HBO version. Lately I have been hearing how good it is so Vixen and I decided to give it a whirl.

When I arrived at the house, Vixen's diner in hand, she greets me at the door with a fake smile in place. I know something is up, a surprise of some sort that she is not happy about. V-Card has arrived earlier than expected. Oh well. I'm not a third wheel this is my soon to be future residence to. I greet him and take a seat on the love seat. Maybe a better word would be sprawl. The air conditioner has decided to go on strike so all the widows are open and the fans whirling at full blast, still not much of a match for the humid southern heat.

Vixen dives into her Philly cheese steak, I sip my sweet tea, and V-Card presses play. I had been warned there were some.... interesting scenes in the show, I mean this was an HBO series after all. As the show proceeded Vixen and I bit our tongues not saying what we were both thinking.

Fastforward to Tuesday night. After work I feed horses, picked up diner and headed to Vixen's for True Blood disc 2. Half way thru the 3rd episode I had to hit pause.

"Ok Friday night there were so many comments I wanted to make but couldn't in front of V-Card," I said.

"I know me to!!" Vixen exclaims, "All I could think was how long its been."

We laugh, "Well I was wondering if he was thinking 'do people really do it like that?'"

She laughs harder, "I know I couldn't even look at him! There is no telling what he was thinking!"

I mean if you've seen the show you know where we are coming from.

"Don't say UH-OH! Vampires do NOT say UH-OH!"

~ Sookie, True Blood ~

Father's Day

This was my second Father's day without my Dad. Everyday I think of him and miss him but there are 5 days a year that seem to be harder than others: His Birthday, the day he passed away, Thanksgiving, Christmas, and Father's Day.

I knew Father's day was coming ( I mean between Hallmark, Shutterfly, and other random emails delivered daily who could forget?) but I had been pushing it to the back of my mind. I'm very much an out of sight out of mind type person.

So of course Giggles, Babbles and Vixen called and checked on me in the round about "I'm not going to ask you cause I don't want to make you cry but just want to make sure your okay" way. X even checked in on me. And it dawned on me. Maybe I don't miss him as a significant other but more as a friend. We experienced so much of life together, things that others will never understand. The passing of my Dad being one of those.

I miss my Dad. Sometimes I wonder if my life would have turned out differently if he were still here.

"A "daddys little girl" is the one who would rather get her hands covered in engine oil with dad, than stay in the house and bake buns with her mother!"

~ Author Unknown ~

The V Card

If Vixen was in the know about my blog I would have her write this story for your enjoyment, but since she is not I will tell the story in the way it was told to me and will be writing it from her point of view..... and perhaps adding a bit of my own flair ~ enjoy.

First a little background ~~~ Vixen is one of those gorgeous girls that can have any guy she wants. I have been single now a little over a year and have only went on dates with 1 maybe 2 guys (?) while Vixen who has been single since December has went out with countless potential suitors - all seemingly wanting to have a relationship with her. Which they do not realize is the final nail in their coffin. Vixen is not looking for a relationship. If you think I have commitment issues.... well Vixen is right up there with me if not worse. She can be the ultimate bitch (I mean that in the nicest way) when it comes to guys. Each guy has a shelf life. Few dates. Tops. Then its adios. And the thing is she warns them off the bat. "I DON'T WANT A RELATIONSHIP!" She is very clear about this. Yet they don't listen. Can't say she didn't warn them......

~~~~~~~~

So I don't believe in happily ever after, I mean that apparently only happens in movies. In the meantime instead of continuing on the never ending search for Mr. Right I have decided to have fun with Mr. Right-Now (a revolving guy who can and does tend to change weekly). But imagine my surprise when I stumbled upon a different breed of guy. One I thought was long extinct. A guy that still holds his V Card clean and intact..... Mr. Virgin. Yes, you heard me right.

Now I guess I can't really talk I mean its been so long for me that I think my virginity is starting to grow back..... but my six month dry spell (which is self-chosen) does not compare to 27 years!

This is new territory for me. I mean this is a good looking, nice, successful and dare I say passionate kissing guy. Not someone I would picture to still be a V Card carrying member. Naturally I assume its just a line. But the more in depth our conversation goes I am stunned to realize he is telling the truth. He is waiting for marriage. Which is great don't get me wrong. But you gotta test drive the car before you buy it. Right? I mean what if you get married and the coloring is awful? A point that I do bring up, to which he says that he will have nothing to compare it to. Ok valid point but what about the woman what if its not good for her? I feel like a completely shallow idiot when he replies by saying that the woman will marry him because they love him and that coloring will not be that important.....

What planet is this foreign creature from?

Perhaps it is that fascination that has lead me to extend his shelf life.... in a completely friends only manner, of course. Because to state again: I DO NOT WANT A RELATIONSHIP!

So went out this past weekend and met Edward. Yes, Yes.... he was young. BUT HELLO this is Edward we're talking about here! Ok well the closest I will ever get to an Edward. Hey don't judge.

He calls and wants to hang out and I agree. I mean hell what do I have to lose? And really if my ex who is 32 can date a girl 11 years his junior why can I not date a guy 4 years younger than myself? See my point?! Besides this is Edward.

Fast-forward he comes up, we hang out....... and this morning at 7 am sharp I have to call E weather she is up or not to tell her he to is a V Card carrying member! Really?! Seriously?! Is this God's way of telling me to let the dry spell continue? Cause I am so not taking someones V Card. That is like purchasing a one way ticket straight to hell or something.

"The universe may not always play fair, but at least it's got a hell of a sense of humor."

~ Carrie, SATC ~

Are we..... Cougars?

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TAG..... I'm It

I've been tagged! I've received the Honest Scrap Award

[ Yea! My First Blog Award ] It was bestowed so kindly upon me by Date Girl (check her out she is great!). I am using the word Kindly loosely here in that since she was going down she felt the need to drag me down with her. Just kidding. But I will not go down alone either {see tags below}!!

I now have to tell you 10 things about me.... Which lets face it you know a good bit about me already...... Hmmmm where to start......

1. I wear cowboy boots and carry a Coach purse (at the same time). I get dirty but yet like to dress up every once in awhile to. Besides who says Ariets and Coach can't go together? Some fashionista is rolling over in the grave right about now...


2. I'm not really in to labels and if not for Vivi and Vixen I probably wouldn't even know what Coach was. But Vixen tries to keep me up to date! Pretty much any designer label I have has been a gift [or recommended purchase ] from Vixen. Purse pictured prime example.


3. I am a closet Hills fan. Its one of those pointless shows that I don't really know why I watch it yet every Monday I tune in to watch the drama unfold. Gotta love LC though, I have to say she always handles the situations with class.
4. Chick-Fil-A is my favorite fast food restaurant. Period end of story.
5. Lately I fill like my life is going backward rather than forward. I just got to figure how to get it back on the right track. If I were in a stable relationship and financially ok I would be ready to have kids. I guess that is where I thought I would be at this point in my life instead of starting over.
6. I have refused to join Twitter because I already fill that with Facebook, Myspace and my Blackberry I am connected enough. Why add to it? Yet I have started to weaken lately and kinda want to join just to see what all the craze is about.
7. When I get really mad my chest and neck break out in red blotches. Sometimes I do this when I am really nervous to and I hate that this is something I can't control.
8. I am manipulative. Sometimes I manipulate people without even realize I'm doing it.... I remember as a kid my Dad telling me I easily influenced people and their decisions and that I needed to be careful. He made it sound like I had this super power and that I needed to use it for good instead of evil. I remember thinking at the time that he was crazy. The older I get though I wish he were here for me to tell him that maybe he was right.
9. I honestly have more fun going to horse shows than going out on the weekends. Is that sad?
10. I hope to one day write a book. A mystery-chick-lit type book. I have started several but then I seem to lose interest or run out of time. It seems I always have A and C just missing the B part for all to add up [ A + B = C ]. But I have faith that one day I will get it right.

So now in passing the torch I would like to tag: Vivi, Phoebe, Ana from far away!, Unwritten, Nicole, and The Working Girls, and Karie.

AND PS...... I forgot a random thing! I love Jennifer Love Hewitt's music! Yeah bet you didn't even know she sang :) lol

Friday Fill In

Thanks to Unwritten I stumbled across the Friday Fill In and decided to give it a shot on this beautiful Friday! Since I'm stuck inside at work, which I am obviously taking a break from cause in reality I am such a hard worker! :)

[Answers are in Red]

1. I grew up thinking that my life would be completely different than it has turned out thus far.

2. Work related website was the last website I was at before coming here.

3. Why don't you make up your mind?

4. A bubble bath and good book OR riding Horse thru the woods helps me relax.

5. Thanks for the reality check.

6. Guys with bad attitudes are very off-putting.

7. And as for the weekend, tonight I'm looking forward to going to a concert I got free tickets to with Vixen and Alice, tomorrow my plans include working at the local horse show and Sunday, I want to go to the lake with Blondie for her birthday!

Weekends don't
count unless you spend them doing something completely pointless.

~ Bill Watterson ~

Learning The Hard Way

The title of this blog should have perhaps been: I Should Have Known Better ~ I mean I seem to be saying (or at least thinking) that alot here lately. That or What Was I Thinking ~ both appropriate choices.

Saturday was no exception. I loaded Horse on the trailer after the show and reached in the car for my phone as I was also grabbing the bag of chips to hand to Vixen. 3 new messages. Absentmindedly I press the button while handing Vixen the chips. We are in mid conversation but as I glance down at the phone my voice drifts off. X. All 3 are from X.

1. "Sorry to bother u, but I would like to talk to u sometime."

2. "I need to ask u something"

3. "Call me when you get a chance"

Vixen with a smile, "Want me to call him?"

"No," I reply, "Hope everything is ok...."

We tell each other goodbye and I get in the car to head home. The clock on the dash reads 1:15 a.m. the last message was received about 3o minutes ago. I scroll thru the phonebook stopping at his name and pressing the send button. After two rings his familiar voice greets me.

"Everything ok?" I ask.

"Yeah...." He then asks me about the horse show and the conversation is actually nice as he laughs over mine and Vixen's horse show night stories.

I remind myself this isn't a friendly call and try to get to the point of the the phone call. "I just got your messages...."

"I need to talk to you. Think we can meet tomorrow?"

DANGER, DANGER flashes thru my head. "Why?"

"I need to talk to you," his voice is soft and luring, "Will you meet me?"

"I don't know..... What do you need to talk about?"

"I'd rather talk in person."

"Are you gonna make me cry?" I ask point blank.

"No."

About to lose service I tell him I will call him back. As I drive over the mountain so many things are going thru my mind. Do I hear him out? Do I tell him to go to hell? What could he possibly want?

As I unload Horse I spend extra time brushing her off. In the late night I hear the other horses rustle around, their slumber disturbed. Its peaceful. I love being at the barn by myself in the late of night or early morning. Somehow it has a calming affect. Allows me time to think.

X said he would meet me at the barn. I declined that idea and told him I would meet him in town. Looking back perhaps I should have waited till the next day, but lets face it I'm just not that patient. It is now past 2 a.m. the night is calm and still. As I drive along the dark road my head is telling me to turn around. Not look back. Just go home.

My heart won't let me. It keeps me driving forward.

I arrive and get out of the car. We stand a moment in the cool night beside my car. I shiver. I climb back in the driver seat and he walks around to get in on the passenger side. I still have on my boots and dirt streaked jeans. I smell of horse, dirt and sweat; my hair is piled up in a ponytail, it to distorted from the long night. Yet I don't care. After a few minutes of small talk I ask what he wanted to talk about.

Open the flood gates. Out of his mouth comes all the words I had wanted to hear.

I love you ~ √

I miss you ~ √

I want to give us a second chance ~ √

I'm not happy without you ~ √

And the checklist could go on but you get the gist. At this point I am very leery as I sit trying to take it all in. This isn't the first time he has done this. I mean this is a every 3 months deal. I want so much to believe him. I wish things would have never gotten to this point.

But we live and we learn.

And believe it or not I have learned.

Well at least a little bit.

I ask him what makes me think that he won't change his mind like the times before. He assures me he won't.

Where did all this come from, I ask.

He tells me that he already felt this way but when he heard about the accident his heart stopped and that all he could think was "I wasn't there" and "What if it had been worse".

I tell him my doubts, my fears and my concerns. All of which he has seemed to have anticipated. I tell him we can go on a date and start talking again. I'm not rushing into anything with him or anyone else. If he wants us to have a second chance we will go slow and still there are no guarantees. I point out that I am a very different person than I was a year ago and he may discover that he doesn't love the 'new' me.

Why did I agree? My head knew better but fact is I still love him. I always have and probably always will. That's the sucky part about love; you can't always chose who you love.

The sun is rising as we say our goodbyes.

On my drive home I was still unsure. Unsure if it was a good idea. And truth be told, unsure if it would even happen. Not saying I can predict the future but sometimes you just got to listen to your gut. And my gut was screaming at this point.

I arrive home at 6:30 a.m. --- fifteen minutes shy of being awake 24 hours. Yet I don't feel tired. I fall asleep for a few short hours and the phone goes off. It's X saying he hasn't been able to sleep.

He calls. We talk. He back peddles. "I don't know what I want...." He tells me he doesn't know what he wants, he needs time. I tell him I have no time to give him. I've given him plenty of time in the past. "You called me." I point out saying his mind should have been made up before calling me in the first place.

I hang up and fight to hold back the tears. I knew better. I always do. This time though I am not as upset. I didn't let my guard down as much. And I expected this outcome.

This was Sunday.

It is now Thursday. I am not sad. More mad. Mad at myself for calling him back. Mad at myself for agreeing to meet him. Mad at myself for listening to the empty words. Mad at him for doing this to me yet again.

One day I will learn.

I hear every word they say

They tell me to stay away

They say I'm better off without you, baby

You've caused me nothing but pain

Heartaches your middle name

But seems I never see it coming

I'll just admit it baby

You really drive me crazy

Let go of my heart

cause every time you're near me

I can't think clearly

Defenses fall apart

I keep livin and lovin and learnin the hard way

You're the hardest lesson, baby, of my life

I keep livin and lovin and learnin the hard way

Someday baby, I will get it right

~ Faith Hill, The Hard Way ~