Paying it Forward ~ Charge It On My Account

Remember the hot guy from high school? The guy that all the girls were in love with. Not the cocky, football star. He was a jock and had to know he was cute yet he was still down to earth and nice. I'm sure every high school had one. Mine did. And let me tell you he was not hot, he was HOT!!! He had beautiful brown eyes, and a cute boyish smile that could melt you every time. I was lucky enough to consider this boy a friend even though like every other girl in school I had a huge crush on him. He was two grades ahead of me and after he graduated we kept in touch for awhile but over the years we lost contact.

Then today I get a facebook (which is so not as good as myspace) friend request. I open it up and it's him! The high school hottie!! The 16 year old girl within me excitedly accepts and clicks on his page. But wait........ what's happened? His cute boyish face has given way to that of a, slightly overweight in the I-work-out-to-much way, man. I am almost saddened by this change. Guess that goes to show if your hot in high school you may not be later. And if your a dork in high school you might really be just a late bloomer. That's mean to say. He still looked good but the years have not been as kind as I hoped they had.

Now my neurosis of the day. The over-analyzer in me coming out. I have been afraid things with Fire Guy were to easy. I keep waiting for an explosion. I stick by the rule of don't contact the guy let him contact you. Call it old fashioned, but it does work. There are always exceptions to this rule however. After we left the house yesterday morning I didn't hear another word from Fire Guy all day. Which I knew from the conversation the night before that he had a lot of paperwork to catch up on, so I wasn't surprised not to hear from him. Well I knew this morning he had a test to take so I sent a text wishing him good luck.......... no response. That was fine though because I figured he may already be taking the test (not sure what time it was). So I'm bored at work - slow day. I log onto myspace. Read the few messages I have, etc. Then I notice he's online. So obviously he's done with the test. Yet I still haven't heard from him. Maybe he didn't do so good, who knows. I will not make further contact. And I'm pissed that here I sit wondering why I haven't heard from him. This is why I refuse to get attached. At this point I can still walk away. I guess I'm afraid of getting in any deeper. I know I just keep waiting for something to go wrong. But I know I'm not the only one who has been burned and does this. We persecute new guys for the old guys mistakes. Is it fair? No. But it does give a whole new meaning to paying it forward.

"The only one who should have to pay for a bad relationship is the person in your next relationship."

~ Miranda, SATC ~

Bursting the Happy Bubble

Even though I tend to live in my "happy bubble" today I feel like I need to break out of that bubble and discuss what is really on every one's mind; the economy and our place in it. Now mind you I am not that interested/involved in politics, but I do hear what is going on. And let's face it, it affects all of us. I'm worried because I am not as stable as I would like to be. Meaning before X and I got married I was financially stable with money in the bank. Enough money that if I were to lose my job I could make it at least six months. Now I am a little edgy because I am living from paycheck to check. Which as you know sucks. Unfortunately to many bills to pay + low income = uncertainty on my part.

Add this to the fact that I am the low man on the totem pole here at work I worry that if things keep being slow I will be the first to go. Gas prices are a major problem. In that gas keeps getting more expensive yet we as the consumer are not making any more money. Yet as the rule of supply and demand goes, why should they lower the gas prices. They know we will pay it. We have no choice. Myself, just like others I assume, have cut down on gas consumption. I drive to work and home; that's pretty much it. I have went on no road trips this summer as usual. And even when we go to the lake we tend to lay out on the dock more and ride on the boat less. Because the boat uses a ton of gas!

I have cut way back on spending; not just because of the economy but still seem to be just barely making it. Everyone admits there is a problem but no one seems to want to step up and fix it. And sorry for my ignorance perhaps, but it seems they have almost waited to late. They should have started trying to fix the problem months ago.

Today I read a post by Clever Girl Goes Blog (that is perhaps what got me on this kick), and she makes several suggestions to help save money. If you haven't read it I recommended reading it. I think I may try the gift card purchase idea. I have done this before when I was in college. My biggest way of saving money is bringing my lunch to work, but lets face it sandwiches and frozen diners can get old fast! So in order to better budget my fast food trips for the month I may get a gift card. But instead of doing a store card I'm leaning more toward a general visa that I could use anywhere.

Also blogs of note on ways to save:

101 Ways to Save (some ideas are a little to extreme for my taste but others may be helpful)

And MSN's Smart Spending Blog

In the end do you save yourself?

I just got back from speaking to a lawyer regarding the affairs that X and I have remaining; i.e. the house. Perhaps I should back track (summed up version) X and I were engaged for nearly 3 years (after many years of dating), we finally found a house, purchased it, got married, and expected to live happily-ever-after. Needless to say we didn't. So now we have been divorced for some months but are still tied together, whether we like or not, by the house. The house has been up for sale for quite awhile now, but with the market the way it is of course it hasn't sold. Personally I would love to keep the house, after all as X himself has said, it has always been my house. But new job = pay cut = can't afford house on my own.

Well X did things that broke our divorce agreement but I wanted to keep up my end - even though he seemed to not care. Everyone has been giving me advice on my situation, and finally after much convincing from my mother, Vivi, Vixen, Blondie, and Giggles I have seeked legal advice. I hoped it would never come to this point. Stupid me hoped that X and I could walk away no hard feelings.

So now I am faced with a hard decision. Do I do what's right for me or what I believe to be the right thing for the situation I am in? In other words do I keep digging my whole deeper potentially costing me more in the long run because I think it's the right thing to do? Or bail off of a sinking ship? Obviously X has not looked out for my best interest or even considered it up to this point, so why do I feel like I should still consider his? After all the advice I know what I need to do, yet in my heart it's not what I want to do. But in the end it is the best thing for me. The decisions of being an adult are so hard. So many questions, so few answers. Apparently love really is blind.

“Americans, who make more of marrying for love than any other people, also break up more of their marriages, but the figure reflects not so much the failure of love as the determination of people not to live without it."

~ Morton Hunt ~

Weeked Re-Cap

So Blondie and Vivi left me alone this weekend. Which the last time they did became known as the Lemon Drop Weekend (Not Good). Blondie went to our college teams football game and Vivi went on a family weekend getaway. Left alone and to my own devices I usually get into trouble. Well not trouble per say but interesting predicaments.

Friday night after work I went to the barn to feed horses and then headed home to have a date night with myself. As an only child I relish my alone time. It's my time to unwind. With that in mind I heated up leftover Fajitas for diner and then proceeded to take an hour long bubble bath. Hyper and I watched Chick-Flicks, pigged out, and went to bed early for much needed sleep.

Saturday I worked around the house then met up with Fire Guy to head to Sports Bar to watch our college team game (the one Blondie was at). And the game sucked! We lost so bad it wasn't even funny.

Sunday was a peaceful and relaxing day. It's almost to easy with Fire Guy. A few months ago the thought of dating again scared the crap out of me. I remembered my previous single life and the nervousness that could come along with dating. The not knowing what to say or how to act around a new person for fear of giving them the wrong impression, etc. With Fire Guy there is no stress, no nervous. When did dating get so easy?

Back to Sunday. Fire Guy invited me to come see his family's horses. For the time being they are in training at a barn not far from my house so I accepted the invitation. We arrived at the barn and his dad, step-mom, and sister were already there. Before I know it we are all on horses and going on a trail ride. This was not part of the original plan but made for a great day. After a few hours at the barn his dad asks if we are hungry. Breakfast was a distant memory and the thought of food sounded good.

Less than an hour later we were seated in front of a Hibachi grill ordering Japanese. So here I am seated between Fire Guy and his sister and I realize I'm not freaking. His family is really nice and made me feel very comfortable. Still looking back I feel it's to soon to be spending time with the family. That's what I mean it's to easy. Normally when you go to meet the family it's such a big deal. You want to make a good impression, be dressed just right, I mean it's a whole ordeal. But with Fire Guy it's like things have just went along smoothly, no big ordeals, just smooth sailing. Is this how its supposed to be? Have things changed that much? Or is that I'm just older, maybe wiser, and don't really give a sh*t anymore? Huh. No I do care so maybe just older and a tad bit wiser. After diner we rented movies and returned to the house.

Telling Blondie my reservations about how easy things are she tells me that is the way it should be in a relationship. I was quick to point out we are not in a relationship. She laughed and corrected herself, "well whatever y'all are." She said it should be easy. Are we in a relationship?

Ok I have a confession. Fire Guy stayed with me all weekend from 5 p.m. Saturday till we both left the house for work this morning at 8:30 a.m. I always being the "good girl" growing up am embarrassed to admit this. But heck why should I be? I am a grown woman. And it wasn't a planned thing it just sorta happened. See here is that easy, comfortable thing again. But it was great. I had a great weekend. I'm just not used to it being this easy, I'm still waiting for the bomb to go off. I know I have trust issues ~ Thanks X.

"So we're kissing but we're not dating?"

~ Grey's Anatomy ~

28 years

Today is a day of reflection. Well at least right now that is what I am doing. Today is my parents twenty-eighth wedding anniversary. And the second anniversary my mom will spend alone. Shortly after their twenty-sixth anniversary my dad passed away from cancer. An experience that forever changed the coarse of my life. We miss him each and every day. My mom is to young to be a widow and I to young to have lost a parent. But that is me being selfish because I still wish he was here.

Trying Not To Fall

Last night was wonderful! Ok I'm gushing. But it's true. After work and a long day of dealing with X and his self-created drama. I mean really - I will be so glad when the dang house does sell so I don't have to talk to him on a semi-regular basis. I was relieved and my spirits instantly lifted when I got a call from Fire Guy asking if I wanted to go back out to the beautiful fishing spot and take pictures. I love photography! It is one of my many hobbies. So I head home change from work clothes into comfy jeans, a tank top, and tennis shoes. I grab my camera bag, double checking that I have all my lenses and head out the door. I get outside to find Fire Guy changing my tail light. He remembered. It may not seem like a big deal to most but it was to me cause I'm used to the empty promises kinda guys. And not only did he replace my tail light he got a spare for when the other one goes out.

I had to run back into the house and came back out to find him and Hyper all ready in the truck ready to go. And yeah call me a sucker but I think it's nice he always lets Hyper come along. So we went down to the creek and I got some great pics! (I'll try to load some later). Afterward we went to Sports Bar for diner. Bartender was not working but had stopped by (she is the owner) so of course she wanted to meet Fire Guy.

For new readers let me explain Bartender ~ Me and my girls love her!! She is like a big sister that you can tell all your secrets to and is always there for you. We met her several years ago and now go to her and her husbands restaurant at least weekly.

So Bartender sits with us and chats while we eat. Fire Guy participates in conversation easily and I can tell by the look Bartender gives me that she approves. And this approval meant a lot to me.

After diner we returned to my house where Blondie had posted up on the back porch with an evening cocktail. We made drinks and joined her. The night air was cool and crisp signaling that fall was in the air. We all donned sweatshirts and sat drinking and laughing. Fire Guy sat and listened to Blondie and I relive events of the past. Funny stories that made us all laugh.

As he went inside to make her another drink Blondie leaned over and whispered to me, "I think you finally found a nice one." I was happy and nervous all at the same time. I don't want to get my hopes up just to be let down like in the past. I mean they're all nice in the beginning. I'm old enough to know better. Maybe I'm to cautious. But I'd rather be safe then sorry. I try to distance myself but it keeps getting harder and harder...... I'm just trying not to fall.

“Here’s my philosophy on dating.

It’s important to have somebody that can make you laugh,

somebody you can trust, somebody that, y’know, turns you on.

And it’s really, really important that these three people don’t know each other.”
~ Brooke Davis, One Tree Hill ~

Tee Time

After work yesterday (I'm sorry I'm always a day behind) I met Fire Guy and we headed to the local golf course. For the record I will state again I have never played "real" golf and I'm not even that good at putt putt, that added with my klutziness I was sure this would equal disaster. But I'm pretty athletic; always been into sports so how bad could it be? At least that is what I told myself. We pulled up to the club house and Fire Guy ran in to get golf balls and tees, then we proceeded to the driving range. Here he explained this would be my first lesson and next time we would actually go out on the course. He started out by hitting a few balls trying to show me form, how to hold the club, etc. With a smile he goes to his golf bag and retrieves a smaller iron (I think that's the right term) and hands it to me. I approach the tee and waiting golf ball cautiously trying to remember all he has told me in the last few minutes......... which while he was talking I was intently watching the birds flying overhead (a little to low) wondering if they ever got hit with a ball and if so would it actually kill them or just stun them........ I tend to drift occasionally. But I got this. I line up the arrow with the ball, swing the club back, and bring it down in one smooth motion making perfect contact with the ball. It goes a little ways, not the high arched - perfect shot - I'd hoped for but not bad for first time. We continued to hit for probably about an hour and minus a few minor goof ups, I did pretty well. I mean I didn't accidentally hit him with a club or anything so I would call it a successful trip......... and I had so much fun!!!

I have to give it to Fire Guy we have yet to go on a traditional date, you know dinner and a movie, but I always have so much fun! He's so laid back and when I did mess up he didn't get mad or frustrated, just laughed with me as I tried again. I like the fact that he doesn't stick with the norm and tries to take me to do new things or things he knows I will enjoy.

After golfing we returned to my house where I planned on cooking him diner. Fajitas. Now I am not much of a cook....... ok perhaps that's an understatement. I CANNOT cook...... I can bake....... cookies, cakes, etc. And I can marinate chicken and bake it (which is pretty much my speciality) but I can't really cook. And my friends love to give me a hard time about this...... oh yes there are stories but I will save those for another day.


I cut the chicken into strips and place it in the sauce and suggest we let it marinate and in the meantime take Hyper for a walk. So with Hyper running happily we walk down the quite road that runs thru my neighborhood. When we return I place the wok on the stove and wait for it to heat up. I have watched Vivi do this before and I'm convinced I to can do this.


[ Upon retelling this story to Vivi ~ she informed me that every cooking story I start out with "I did it the way I've seen you do it" never ends good. ]


Fire Guy is telling me a story and I, thinking the pan is hot enough, pour the chicken in. He makes a noise/smirk as I do this.


Me: "What?"
Fire Guy: "I don't think the pans hot enough."
Me: Puzzled look
Fire Guy: "It needs to get hotter before you put the chicken in or the outside will cook and the inside won't be done and it will overcook."
Me: "Gotcha." I pour the chicken back into the bowl it had been in previously, feeling slightly stupid.


He smiles and we go back to the previous conversation as we wait for the pan to heat to the proper temperature...... still not sure exactly what that is or how to tell. But after a few more minutes I decide its probably good. Before I can pour the chicken in Fire Guy informs me I need to pour a little vegetable oil in the wok. ???????? At this point I laugh, step back and let him do the cooking. And I stuck to what I know how to do..... prepare the side dishes! I made the rice, heated the tortillas, and made the cheese dip. The meal turned out excellent! So at least I know he can cook.......


Also on a side note ~ when we had first arrived at my house he informs me I have a break light out. I already knew this. It had been out for months. I know I need to get it fixed. But it's one of those things you kinda forget about. I know, I know. I tell him I know it's out and been meaning to fix it but (insert trail off here). He smiles shakes his head and turns to walk back to his truck where he retrieves a small tool box. He comes back to the 4Runner, lifts the back gate and removes the tail light. He takes the bad bulb out while telling me he'll pick one up tomorrow and fix it for me. I mean how nice is that?


Fire Guy is a great guy and I do kinda like him....... He's got that 'get it done' personality I have always wanted in a guy. Yet I'm still not ready to fall for him. It's to soon. He is also always such a gentleman. Meaning he hasn't even tried anything (you know what I mean) which for a guy our age is pretty impressive. And no he's not gay, in case you may be thinking that. He's just really respectful. Like he knows I'm not ready therefor just enjoys being with me....... And the problem with all this is X still has my heart. Fire Guy has all the qualities and traits that I longed for X to have plus some yet why do I still miss X? Cause we were together for so long? Habit? I feel like I take 3 steps forward and 2 steps back but that's ok I guess the point is I'm moving forward. And I feel really lucky to have met Fire Guy he's made it easier to move on knowing that there's no pressure and it's just one day at a time.

"That's the thing about needs.

Sometimes when you get them met, you don't need them anymore."

~ Carrie, SATC ~

Read My Lips

When I started this blog it was really for my own personal pleasure. To get my feelings out there and vent/bitch a little when the need should arise. I hoped others might read it and perhaps enjoy it but I really did not have faith anyone would ever stumble upon it. Then a few weeks ago I got my first comment (Cayman's Girl). I felt like Carrie in the Sex and the City episode when her computer pops up and tells her Aiden is online. She hits the floor and hides under the desk as if he can see her. I felt the same way. Someone out there besides Vivi (my only friend who knows about this blog) had read my blog! A wave of excitement rushed over me as well as a sense of nervousness. I felt the pressure that others may be reading this and that perhaps I should be more entertaining. Then today I posted about my high heeled experience and was pleased to learn I was not alone as 2sense and phoebe commented that they to could understand.

(Stick with me I promise I am on to something here)

Why is it that we will share stuff with complete strangers, my inner most personal thoughts in some cases, that we will not share with our closest friends? I know there are others out there like myself that write anomalously, it is like a blanket that I hide behind. It allows me to be completely innocent and the freedom to not sensor my posts. As I stated above Vivi is my only friend that knows this exits. It's not that I would mind if my other friends read my blog just that I like the fact that it's mine and mine alone - my attempt to tell my side of the story perhaps. I tell how I feel about Big, which they do not know all the factors to that equation as probably no one ever will. I tell my frustrations with X, my excitement of the new, what-ever you would call it, happenings with Fire Guy. And just day to day ramblings. Any way I do feel more comfortable sharing with strangers than people who know me. Odd isn't it? (insert shrug of shoulders here)

Ok that is my pondering for the day - moving on. Lipstick Jungle ~ new season starts tonight! I can't wait! I've heard some people rag on this show but I can't help it I loved it last season! Maybe it was Kirby, who was oh so cute! I mean that smile, those eyes...... ahem moving on........ Maybe it was the way I could relate to Nico and her desire for some flare in her life. Maybe it was the way Wendy took control in her 'jump when I say jump' type of way. Whatever the case I was hooked. Each week Vivi and I would glue ourselves in front of the TV to drool, I mean, watch the plots unfold.

In other exciting news I plan on seeing Fire Guy tonight, and depending on how late the course is open, he may take me to play golf. I have never played before (not to mention I suck at putt putt) but I'm always up for something new. The klutz in me is afraid I may be doomed. But I will remain optimistic.

"People by their nature are always on the lookout for intruders.

Trying to prevent those on the outside from getting in.

But there will always be those who force their way into our lives,

just as there will be those who we invite in...but the most troubling of all,

will be the one's who stand on the outside looking in.

The one's we never truly get to know."

~ Mary Alice, Desperate Housewives ~

Death By High Heels

Now I'm not one to wear heels on a daily basis. Wait let me start over, I love heels and wish that I was the type of girl who could wear them all the while walking naturally like they were apart of me. Sadly this is not the case. First off I'm a klutz. Plain and simple fact. Secondly even at my young age I have arthritis in my hips due to a sports injury in High School which makes wearing heels painful. But occasionally the girly side of me comes out and I pull out one of the few pairs of heels I own and slide them on instantly feeling a confidence boost that can only come from great shoes or the perfect purse. Come on you know what I'm talking about. For work the dress code is casual but still professional. So at least one day a week instead of slacks or a skirt I slide into a pair of jeans. And on days I wear jeans I always wear heels, you know to dress it up a bit. Don't want to look to casual.

I have on my jeans, cute grey shirt, and black heels. Perfect combination. As I go to leave work yesterday I step off the curve gracefully in my black heels...... and do a face plant in the parking lot! And I'm not talking about a graceful, lady like fall - I'm talking about the 'what the hell just happened', flailing arms, purse flying type of fall. Oh yeah. As I scrape myself off the concrete of course I am glancing around in embarrassment while scurrying to my car hoping no one has just seen my swan dive. Coast appears to be clear. So as I open my car door I take a moment to inspect my wounds. Or as I will call them today, battle scars. Yep big toe gashed opened (which bleed for an hour), scraped up bleeding knee, scrapped elbow, and scrapped hand. Oh yes 2 on the right side and 2 on the left side of my body. I'm an equal injury type of gal.

"I'm not home, but my shoes are. Leave them a message."

Carrie ~ SATC

Feedback Appreciated

While at work I have been a little bored and after viewing and reading several other blogs out there I decided mine needed a face lift so to speak!! As in new layout. So after playing around and effing it up royally to begin with I found one. I don't know if I'm 100 percent happy with it so feedback would be appreciated....... What do you think? Like the layout? Or like the old one better? Let me know! Or if you know anywhere else I can get one let me know! I love Delicious Design Studio layouts but lets face it I'm broke! So free layouts for now........ Thanks in advance!

The 90/10 Rule

If I had a checklist of qualities I wanted my next boyfriend to have I hate to say it but Fire Guy would at least get like 8 out of 10. As I have posted before I have horses which means hauling hay is a regular activity. And I'm not talking about hauling hay for 1 or 2 horses its more like 15. So yesterday after work Fire Guy came with my mom and I to haul hay. I didn't ask for help but he volunteered and if I learned anything from the tree experience it was if someone wants to help you let them.

After hauling hay we went to grab a bite to eat before his baseball game. He plays in an adult league with the fire department. And since he had been nice enough to come help I figured the least I could do was go watch. So I went home and got Hyper and headed to the ball fields. And Blondie's punishment was she had to come along. Yes, paybacks a bitch.

So we sit watching the game all the while keeping a close eye on Hyper who was playing happily at the end of her leash with several stray kids. But when Fire Guy would come back to the dugout she would quickly abandon the kids and try to make a mad dash for him. I'm telling you I seriously think she would chose him over me. Blondie stuck around for a while but then left me in search of food. Instead of sitting by myself I relocated.......... and sat with the family......... his dad, step-mom, and step-sister. Weird? You bet! I was my nice and charming self and I had met them once before but it was still weird. Made me want to get up and run for the hills. To fast. To fast. Kept running thru my head. This is moving to fast. But then I took a deep breath and reassessed the situation. It wasn't like I was invited to a family function or anything this was just a sorta run in, same place same time, type of thing. It was still weird though.

Seeing as they were playing the best team in the league Fire Guy's team lost, but in his defense it was a good game...... meaning they could have lost by a lot more. After the game I can tell he is a little mad about the defeat but with a smile he greets me and an excited Hyper who licks his face as if to say its ok. As he walks me to my car I'm quiet trying to tread lightly, I'm used to X and when he gets mad it's best leave him alone or face the wrath. But Fire Guy is a gentleman as he hugs me, thanks me for coming, and opens my car door. I place Hyper in the passenger seat and climb in. He leans down to kiss me but pauses right before he gets all the way to me. Did anyone else know about this 90/10 rule?............ Please tell me I'm not the only one.............. So as he hesitates, me being me, I start talking. I feel awkward and unsure of what to do. I tell him bye and this times he does lean down and kiss me. Just a quick kiss and then he closes my door and is gone.

I'm left feeling a little baffled but shrug it off and head home to feed Hyper and take my nightly bubble bath. As I am crawling in bed my phone goes off. It's Fire Guy. He wants to make sure I made it home ok. This turns into an hour conversation. He makes me smile. Which is nice because I feel like I haven't really smiled in so long. And going back to the 90/10 thing. Apparently a guy will go in 90 percent of the way and then if the girl wants to kiss the guy she will come in 10 percent of the way. WTF??? Who made that rule??? Oh well explains the hesitation. I tell him what I think of this rule - cause personally I think the guy just needs to take the girl, sweep her off her feet, and kiss her passionately. Only in the movies? I refuse to believe that.

“In a relationship there's always one who kisses and one who is kissed.”

Parting Glances (1986) – Betty (Yolande Bavan)

I also found this quote that was to good not to post as well.............

“I'm so glad they still work. I haven't used them for kissing in such a long time,

more like for wearing lipstick and whistling.”

Something’s Gotta Give (2003) – Erica (Diane Keaton)

Night To Remember

Birthday's are always dreaded. But why? Is it the fear of growing old or just the sense of impending doom? Never fails every year something. always. goes wrong. Maybe it's because you get your expectations up. Who knows. With that being said Vivi made sure I had a great birthday! Or at least did so many shots I wouldn't remember it......... not sure which!

Saturday night was the night we were all going out. The original plan was to go North to a mystery diner theater. Something different from the norm and sounded like fun. Well after the trip I knew everyone was short on cash so suggested we do something else. Giggles suggested going to sports bar to watch the football game (keep in mind she is the one who said she didn't have the money). So everyone agrees on this plan B.

Saturday afternoon I'm cleaning house / playing with Hyper when Giggles arrives and we sit on the back porch eating chips and catching up. She then drops the bomb that she is not coming to sports bar with the group. I'm ok with that little aggravated cause we changed the plans for her. But I quickly let it go. I know we'll still have fun. I'm determined this is going to be a good day. I've been so down about X but I had vowed this birthday I would celebrate life without him. Is it a sign that it went the way it went?? I'm going to say no and hope that its true!

Anyway so Vivi, bless her heart, drives the hour and a half to get here even though she has to be back to work Sunday morning. She arrives at the house to greet me, Vixen, and Blondie. Vixen and Blondie had already made their first drink and we're all giggles as I got to open my presents. I loved my stuff!! Vivi got me an interesting gift I can't wait to use......... you really don't want to know.

We head to sports bar where the night starts out good with food and drinks. Then it's like the plane took a nose dive....... Vixen and Blondie said they wanted to head south (about an hour and a half away) to go clubbing. To clarify we live in the middle of nowhere. I'm a little shocked by the announcement. Vivi tells me I can go but she has to work the next day so she's not really up for an all-nighter. I appreciate her selflessness, but there is no way I'm abandoning her after she has come so far to spend my birthday with me. I tell Vixen and Blondie if they want to go then they can.... and they do. Shocked? Yeah so was I. My feelings were more hurt than anything. Of course they realized the next day that they may have been influenced by beer and apologized profusely. But I'm not ready to forgive just yet. I'll get over it, I mean they have done so much for me and have been there so much for me lately I can't expect them to be there every time. If it hadn't been my birthday it wouldn't have bothered me at all.

After they left Vivi started ordering me shots. They went down way to easily. Fire Guy had to work this weekend but came by to check on us. And we had another friend that was with us who gave Vivi and me a ride home. Back at the house a few other friends came over and we played card drinking games and laughed into the night. I awoke the next morning with my pajama pants on but I still had my bra and t-shirt from the night before on....... yeah apparently I had a little to much to drink! Memories of the night before were fuzzy but one thing stuck out. Trouble.

I have not mentioned Mr. Trouble yet. Well I have but not by name (I Miss You Post). Trouble is probably my BEST guy friend. We have been friends for years and since my dad's death he is probably the only guy that I consider the steady rock in my life. He gave me the courage to make some of the hard decisions I have made in the past year, along with sound advice even if it was not what I wanted to hear. Why have I not mentioned him then? Because his girlfriend is the bitch from hell (BFH). She is jealous of our friendship I guess and I must admit she has a right to be considering Trouble and I have crossed the line of friendship before but quickly jumped back. But that is our secret. Trouble and I usually talk about once a week or at least every other week. Strictly on a friend level and when BFH is not around. I feel shady about this, yes, but I'm not willing to lose this friendship. Well for work he is out of town so we have talked more recently than normal. And when I say talked I mean texted. The new form of talking I guess.

Anyway not real sure all that was said.... on my part at least cause I had deleted my outbox..... but my inbox had several interesting messages in it. And apparently Vivi and I discussed flying out next weekend to see him. I'm going with the rule "if I don't remember, it didn't happen." I did talk to Mr. Trouble Sunday and things are all good. Got to love best friends.

And thanks again to Vivi who made my birthday one to remember...........

!!Happy Birthday!!

As I sit at my desk ready to start the day still feeling a little down, the door opens and in comes a birthday surprise that brought a smile to my face. Giggles had sent me ballons attached to a mug containing all kinds of good candies! I do love chocolate! Once again I have to reflect on what good friends I have. I know I've said it before and I'm sure I'll say it again, but I really do have the best of friends!

My spirits are starting to lift. Today I am 26 and I have decided that this new year of my life is when things will start going my way. New year, new me sounds like a good plan!

Tonight I think Blondie and I may go out for drinks and diner. Not quite sure yet..... Then tomorrow the girls are getting together to celebrate. Not going out like the original plans.... but hey that just means fate has something better planned for us. And it probably will revolve around watching the football game of our college team. Yeah somedays we are just one of the guys. To be as girly as we can be at times I know it may surprise some that we are such big football fans. Think it must just be in our blood!

Well got to get back to work...... I have a feeling today is going to be a slow day. But that's ok today is my day and it's Friday so I'm not going to let anything bring me down! :)

"A birthday is just the first day of another 365-day journey around the sun. Enjoy the trip."

~ Anonymous ~

Later that day 3:30 p.m.

Just to add I have since also received to beautiful vases of flowers!! (pics will be posted later) I have such great friends. You know she's your best friend (Vixen) when she knows your favorite flower..... Now I feel bad cause I don't remember the name of her's...... I know it's purple! Damn if this were a test I'd fail. I have hopes this is going to be a wonderful weekend!

Staying Optimistic In a Pessimistic World

Staying optimistic in a pessimistic world. That is my objective. Some days its easier than others. I'm just so ready to be done with X and have him out of my life completely. We have our house for sale and in the agreement I can live there until it sells but I am ready to just cut my losses and move out and move on with life. It seems like I am now faced with fight or flight and let's face it I'm tired of fighting. I'm trying to stay positive but it seems every time I start thinking that everything is going smoothly WHAM!! something happens to take be back down. I'm tired of being depressed and I'm tired of crying. And even after everything not a day goes by I don't think about him. But I guess that's normal since we were together for so long. I can't hate him. No matter what he does I just can't. But I need to escape.

I wish I was still in the Bahama's. Wouldn't that be nice? So I've hung out with Fire Guy a few times this week. Nothing major just lunch one day and he came over to the house and watched a movie one night. He calls about every day. It's nice to know someone actually cares and wants to talk to you. I enjoy spending time with him and if nothing else I think a good friendship will come out of this. But I'm really just taking it day by day like I am the rest of my life at this point. I'm not ready to trust someone else or to let someone else in. Vivi says there's something about him she can't put her finger on. I'm proceeding with caution but I have to admit he's nicer than most of the other guys I know.

Tomorrow is my birthday. I had fun plans for this weekend and was really looking forward to it. But like always X has ruined it for me. Now I don't want to do anything. I want to curl up on the couch, wrap a quilt around me and just sit closed off from the world. I don't want to have to be fake happy. How can he bring me so down? And why do I allow him to do this to me? I feel like I have no control over it. I'm tired of feeling this way, but I don't know how to get out of it. I feel like I am climbing a ladder out of a dark hole. Every time I get to the top and am about to climb out something grabs me causing me to lose my balance and fall all the way back to the bottom. It's discouraging. Every time I pull myself up, dust off and look skyward. I see blue sky outside the hole, I just have to make it to the top. Each time it seems it's harder to start the climb. It takes me longer to pull myself to my feet. How many more times must I fall before I make it out? How many more times before I give up?

After a break-up, certain street, locations, even times of day are off-limits.

The city becomes a deserted battlefield, loaded

with emotional landmines. You have to be

very careful where you step or you could be blown to pieces.

~ Carrie, SATC ~

Back to Reality

Today I am back to work yet still wishing I was in the Bahama's (and I warn you prepare yourself now for a long post!). I have so much to write about and I'm sure I am going to have to take several breaks in between. For example in about 20 minutes Fire Guy is coming by to take me to lunch.... ok maybe I do like him just a little. Blondie so called me out for it on the trip. I just don't want to get in to deep. You know if I were standing in the ocean I want to be at the edge with the water swirling around my feet, not in over my head like Vivi was at one point during the trip waving her arm in the air cause her contacts had issues and she needed help. That's how I feel about Fire Guy, stay at the edge and play it safe.

Friday morning at 2 a.m. after only about an hour sleep Blondie bursts into my room with shouts of glee, "Get up Bit*h we're going to the Bahama's!!" (She is very excited this is not meant negatively ~ thought I should maybe clear that up). Vivi and I roll out of bed throw on clothes, toss last minute stuff into our bags and load up the fucus (Focus). Once we're in the car and strapped in we head to pick up Vixen. At this point Vivi is not feeling so hot.... she blames the curvy roads - I'd say it had something to do with the Vodka and Red Bull her and Blondie had been drinking the night before. But potatoe, potato either way once the car stopped she was puking in the woods. Yep, not even made it to the airport and already an interesting trip!

We arrive at the airport early and await our flight. This is my first flight, they were taking my flight virginity. As we boarded the plain I wasn't nervous.... surprisingly. Maybe because I was so ready for a getaway! I took my window and seat and settled in. I enjoyed the ride and took many pictures along the way. Once the plane landed we decided to make good use of our time while we waited on the bus to take us to the boat. So we started the trip out right by ordering our first vacation drinks. Let me tell you tequila burns more before 11 a.m. I am convinced! After drinks we boarded a bus and were in route to the boat. We arrive VIP Style, check our bags and head on board and head straight for...... you guessed it the bar. But then we made our way to the deck to lounge while we waited on our bags to be delivered to our rooms.

From here the days become a blur of food, drinks and laying by the pool! On a cruise there is great food everywhere!! And it's free so you tend to eat way more than you normally would. This also made me brave to try new things...... cause if I didn't like it no worries I wasn't paying for it and I could get something else. But let me pause a minute to dedicate a line to the best thing ever! The chocolate melting cake...... DELICIOUS!!!! No other way to describe it. We all fell in love with it. Wow just talking about it makes me want some.

On the trip we quickly became known as the Georgia Peaches. And you know us the first thing we spotted when we got on the boat was boys, boys, boys! There was a group that worked together and were on a group trip and had red shirts on the first day so we coined them Red Shirt boys. They were cute but young! We watched them attempt to play beer pong all the while Vivi and myself were thinking that we could take them. Friday night was pretty low key...... or maybe it's just that I don't remember..... huh.

Anyway moving on. Saturday we ported in Nassau. The sun was shining, the ocean blue, overall gorgeous day! This day we parted ways. Blondie and myself headed to Atlantis to swim with the dolphins. - Which was such a fun experience! - And Vivi and Vixen went exploring the city. Where they shopped and from what I heard Vixen had a Fendigasm moment. Apparently fake bags can do that to you. And let me point out we were all a little freaked to discover that they drive on the other side of the road here. Threw us all for a loop to begin with.

After our adventures we meet back at the ship to get ready for our night on the town. We were dressed to kill and in search of trouble as we stepped off the boat. We headed to Senor Frogs where the music was loud and drinks were well mixed. We met up with our Miami boys and Red Shirt boys and the night was mixture of dancing, drunken conversations, and laughter. Before we knew it the time had flown by and it was 3 a.m. As a group we headed back to the ship and I felt safer having the group of guys to walk with. Not that Vivi, Vixen, Blondie and myself can't take care of ourselves but on the streets at night it was nice to have the guys as body guards.

As we walk to the boat this cute guy I have been talking to at the bar grabs my hand. He is young, 21 young, and fairly drunk. I shake my hand free but like a lost puppy dog he stays close to my heels and takes my hand again, like I had dropped his on accident or something. So after shaking him loose 3 more times I give up and say what the hell and let him hold my hand as we make our way back to the ship. All hungry at this point we head to the dining room and 24 hour pizzeria. To get here we have to take an elevator. Did I mention there are about 25 of us crammed in a 16 person elevator? Yeah interesting. And maybe the highlight of the trip! So we make it to the pizzeria and I get asked something I can honestly say I have never been asked....... 21 puts his arm around me as we wait for our pizza and in mid conversation slurs, "so you wanna make out later?" Are you laughing?! Yeah I did to. I thought Vixen, who was standing next to me, was going to spit out her drink! I laughed thinking, 'this boy did not just say this." So he repeats himself. I grab my pizza and reply, "your not that lucky, and I'm not that bored." I then turned and walked off to grab a seat by Vivi at the table. I know what your thinking, 'well that was mean' but trust me 21 was way to drink to probably even remember any of it! We ended up in bed about 5 a.m. so definitely a late night. But we had so much fun! I'd do it again in a heartbeat. But maybe I should have kissed 21 just once so I could've said I had a vacation romance.......... nah!

Sunday was a day at sea. We laid by the pool and just relaxed. That evening we went to a club on the ship with our new friends but didn't stay late cause we knew we had to get up early the next morning.

Another thing I would like to compliment the cruise ship on was the beds! The bed and pillows were so comfortable! I slept so good the whole trip! It was like a pillow you just sunk down into and I was out as soon as my head hit the pillow.

Ok back to topic. Monday came to soon as we departed the ship and headed once again to the airport. We arrived at 9 a.m. but our flight was not till 2:30 p.m. hhhhmmmmm time to kill. We can do that! So while Blondie curled up to take a nap and Vixen..... well I don't remember what Vixen was doing...... Vivi and I went exploring. Of course we ended up in the book store. And we saw a book that just grabbed our attention so we had to buy it. So we spent the remainder of our wait reading and laughing at the points the book made. Vivi is reading it now but I look forward to borrowing it when she is done.

Finally our flight was called and we were officially on the way home...... this time I did get sick and made the mad dash for the bathroom as soon as the plane landed. After claiming our bags and boarding the bus we are taken to the lot where we had left the car. But wait the trip is not over yet! We open the door to find the car overrun with ants. Yep Vivi had left an open diet coke in the back and Blondie well there was enough crumbs to feed the whole ant family! 45 minutes later we had eliminated the majority of them...... or so we thought. It was war the whole way home! Gives a whole new meaning to ants in your pants!

After a long day I finally made it home and was greated by a very excited Hyper. I had a great trip but did not want to come back to reality. As soon a I arrived in Miami off the boat the first news I heard from home was that X is trying to stir up more trouble. Great. Yeah I should've stayed in the Bahama's!

GGGRRRR

Note: I wrote this when I was very upset, since I have calmed down.... Still pissed - think I may let Blondie go ahead and punch him but I keep my head up and keep smiling!

Rage. Red, black dark rage. I feel my body almost tremble at the anger pent up inside. My checks flame and I try to calm myself down. Deep breaths but nothing works. I just want to cry. I'm one of those people that when I get so mad and I can't do anything about it I just want to cry. Maybe that helps release the frustration. So basically X has been out of my life awhile now but is apparently still screwing me. Well screwing me over. And you know today I woke up kinda sad and depressed because it was today 4 years ago that he proposed to me. I was feeling nostalgic and missing him. But like always he does something that reminds me why I am better off without him. I don't want to go into details but lets just say we have our house for sale and we agreed I can live in it till it sells. Well I have a bunch of money tied up in the house and he has zero, zilch, nada. So basically he owes me money in which I will never see. So while I'm struggling to make ends meet (and not making half the money I need to do that) he is out buying motorcycles and new cars! Let me explain why I'm bitter. It seems from the divorce he is the one that came out to the good. He walked away with his truck paid off and all the furniture (which he sold). He also got to keep his job, we worked together I had been there 7 years and him about 3. I was the more valuable employee but because I was the one who wanted the divorce I had to go. So no money, no job and broken dreams. That is what I walked away with. And I'm out a pretty big sum of money. Fair? No. But what can I do? I keep waiting for him to do the right thing but it becomes more obvious with each day that passes that he's not going to.



Ok took a pause went and got some lunch ~ I've calmed down now...... well somewhat. I called X and we may at least be on the same page now. Who knows. I'm just waiting for the next big explosion. But tomorrow morning I will board a plane and get the hell out of dodge. Which I think is the best thing I can do right now. I need to get away and leave X and all the troubles behind!

Gone Fishing

The firsts parts of dating are always like a new adventure: fun and full of excitement. I love the getting to know someone new part at the beginning. It can be awkward but it is also interesting to hear about another persons walk thru life. And any time you slap a guy in the face with a fish and he doesn't make you walk home.... well... maybe I should start at the beginning.

Yesterday after work.........

I hurried home to let Hyper outside and quickly threw on a pair of jeans, old t-shirt, and tennis shoes. Fire Guy would be here any minute to take me fishing and I only had time to throw my hair in a quick pony tail and glance in the mirror to make sure I looked half way decent when I heard his truck pull in the drive-way. Or should I say part way in the drive-way ~ yep the tree was still there. I walk outside to see him already out of the truck with a chainsaw in hand and a cut off sleeve shirt showing off his muscles well. Yes, definitely the kinda guy you wouldn't mind being rescued by. As I walked up the drive-way he laughed at me, "Small tree?" I shrugged cause he was right it wasn't that small at all. In less than 5 minutes he had it out of the drive-way and as I watched him pick up part of the tree one handed that I had struggled to barely move with two hands all I could think was WOW! Maybe I should add here he is not one of those to muscled up guys, you know the kind that almost look gross? He has just enough muscles to look good but not over the top. I'm not much for big muscles.

Once the tree is moved I go to put Hyper inside when he suggests we bring her with us. Definitly brownie points here. So Fire Guy was taking me fishing. I'm a country girl trapped in a modern girls world so when he suggested this I was eager to go. I hadn't been fishing in forever and it was such a pretty day to be outside. So Hyper and I climbed into the passenger seat and we were off.

After going down a winding dirt road, that at one point didn't even look like much of a road, we came to a small pavilion. Fire Guy explained his family has get together's and cookouts here on a regular basis.

I let Hyper down and instantly she was off to terrorize anything she could find, mainly leaves and stray sticks. Fire Guy grabs two fishing poles and leads me down a path to the creek knocking spiderwebs out of the path along the way. The way clears and we are standing in one of the most beautiful spots I have ever seen. I inwardly kick myself for not having my camera with me. We make small talk as he baits my hook and hands me a pole. I'm feeling a little rusty and self conscious as I try to remind myself how to cast and flip the thingamabob (technical term) to loosen the line. But once the pole is in my hand it all comes back. I cast my line and wait. I'm not a patient person by any means but for some reason fishing is just relaxing so I wait patiently pulling on my line every once awhile. Hyper is having the time of her life and running wide open everywhere! Then I feel a pull at my line! "I think I got one!" I give the pole a swift jerk and start to reel it in knowing by the weight on the line I've caught something. Now here comes out my girly side I had warned Fire Guy in advance I will bait my own hook but I will not take the fish off. So he comes over as I pull a brim out of the water. We laugh and he jokes about how he can't believe I've already caught something. He gently takes the fish off the hook and releases it back in the water.

Time passes and no more bites so we walk down stream, this place was so beautiful and peaceful I will definitely have to go back and get pictures to share with you. ~ We stop at a new spot and there are rocks going out into the creek. Fire Guy tells me the best spot to fish is to stand out on the rocks and cast into the deep end. So carefully I make my way out on the rocks trying to keep my balance and to keep from sliding on the slick rocks. He goes a few feet down and crosses over to more rocks and we once again cast our lines. Hyper at this point is bouncing around on the rocks and of course slides off in the water to get a floating stick and swims to shore. I think she is hyper normally but today she was wide open non-stop!

Then I get another bite! Fire Guy sees my line go tight and he thinks I've gotten caught on a rock but I know better and reel in another brim. We both laugh and he says he can't believe I'm showing him up. So now here we stand in the middle of the creek on rocks several feet apart. He tells me to swing my line to him. I attempt to do this to no avail both of us about falling in during the process. So for the third attempt he tells me to give the line some slack..... which I do...... I fling the line his way, he leans over forward reaching out to get it. His hand closes around the line, and as he tries to keep from losing his blance the line swings upward and the fish smacks him right up side the face! This evidently knocks the hook lose for the fish fell into the water and swam off. I was trying so hard not to laugh but I couldn't help myself it was just to funny!

After that I caught one more and so did he leaving our end score 3 to 1. Which pointed out to him technically he had caught 2. I know I shouldn't have said it but it was just to funny!!

So we loaded up Hyper and headed back to the house were I cooked us diner and we watched a movie. I had a great time. Fire Guy is really nice and Hyper loves him. Seriously I have never seen her so excited about anyone. She was litterally right there with him the entire night. Traitor. Anyway it was a nice night. And just to make it clear I told him I was not looking for anything serious just someone to have fun with and that he was free to date other people. He said he understood he knew I was coming out of a long relationship, blah blah, blah. You know how it goes. When he went to leave he leaned down and kissed me. It was nice. Nice to be held and nice to be kissed. Sometimes a girl just needs to be kissed.......

Rescue Me

Most girls’ whether they admit it or not are looking for a knight in shining armor. Someone who will come to the rescue and save them in their time of need. Fire Guy seems to be just that. As the storm rolled in I heard a loud pop and yelp from Hyper who was minding her own business on the back porch. I being inside assumed she had gotten into something and knowing her I wasn’t sure what. I ran to the door to find Hyper cowering in the corner. The rain had not yet begun to fall but you could feel the coming storm in the air. As I stood with the screen door open Hyper scurried between my feet and ran to the safety of her bed. I glanced up and there in the driveway was the top of a tree. Upon looking skyward I found the tree it belonged to and it appeared the whole top was now in my driveway. That explained the pop. Not sure if it was knocked off by the wind or if it was hit by lightening. I quickly checked the roof of the house just in case but everything looked ok so I fled the rain and decided the tree could wait till the rain let up or until morning. It was big but I thought I could pick the end up and slide it at least far enough out of the way so I could get out. Yes, I am one of those people that think I can do anything myself.

Well about this time I hear from Fire Guy who says because of the storms he is out getting trees out of the road. I tell him of my tree and he quickly offers to come take care of it for me. All of a sudden I feel like the damsel in distress and I don’t like it. I’m very independent and like to believe I can do anything for myself and very rarely do I actually like to ask for help. So I tell him I can get it. He offers again but stubborn me is convinced I can take care of it myself.

So this morning Hyper and I walk up the driveway to move the tree. Perhaps I should say attempt to move the tree! Up close it was larger and heavier than I expected it to be. As I squatted and lifted with my knees, my wrist screamed with pain. Yeah it still hurts from my run in with the 2x4. I was able to get it just enough out of the way that I could get out and decided I would deal with it later.


Whether being a smart ass or sincere Fire Guy asks this morning if I got the tree moved and I had to admit partial defeat. So he tells me he will come help me move it this evening and this time I don't protest. I mean it’s nice to be rescued everyonce in awhile right?


So far Fire Guy is really nice. But the butterflies just aren't there. Damn Big. Maybe it's to soon to know though. And maybe I'm delussional. How could I go from being so excited about this boy last week to so cool this week? PMS maybe? He's almost everything I said I wanted in a guy..... so why does it seem it is not enough?

Eating the Apple

Today I feel a little low. Maybe because I've been in such an upbeat mood lately it's natural I have a low day. I hung out with Fire Guy again Saturday and he is really nice. Maybe to nice. I just sounded like a bitch for saying that. I know. Why is it we always want the jerks, and not the nice ones? Is that God's way of still punishing us for Eve eating the apple? Perhaps. Anyway Saturday went good just Fire Guy showed his age a little after a few beers (he is a few years younger than me, if I forgot to mention that). But that can happen to all of us and since he was so nice Friday I'll give him another chance. He called yesterday and said he wants to see me before I leave for the cruise and since he has to work today and Wednesday we are going to get together Tuesday when I get off work.

Moving on is a hard thing. I thought I was ready and I guess I am but this weekend got me to missing X. Or at least what I had with X. I guess nostalgic would be a better word. It was just so weird to be out with someone new. It's going to take time to adjust. I'm not looking for anything serious and Fire Guy knows that. I feel like when I was younger and got thrown from this one horse I had. I was terrified to get back up on her. On the outside I pretended to be tough but on the inside I was scared. Dating again is the same. On the outside I try to act like every things great but on the inside I'm scared and a nervous wreck. I guess I still worry about if I made a mistake with X. Did I really try hard enough? Maybe I'll never know. Some days I feel like all this has been a bad dream and I'm going to wake up at any time and things will be back to normal. After four months I know this will not happen, yet it still doesn't feel real that it's over. I guess because we were together for so long. It's hard to let go of the past but I'm trying to.

Hanging out with Big is different because I've known him so long it's comfortable whereas Fire Guy's new so it's a totally different ballgame. Maybe that's why I was so shaken. I haven't hung out with Fire Guy yet one on one so we'll see. He's smart, nice, cute, considerate..... so far..... but then at the beginning aren't they all? I need to give him a chance. Really what do I have to lose?

Carrie, "You wouldn't commit to a nice guy, given the option?"

Stanford, "I can't even commit to a long distance carrier. "

SATC

High / Low

Last night was a night of high's and low's. Left work and went to the barn to get my horse ready to go and she was in a mood therefor this took longer than necessary. Vixen came and helped me get things moving along. Got the horses on the trailer and off we went. Once there we signed up for the classes we wanted to participate in, paid our money, then set in for the wait. Vivi, who had stopped to shop, arrived and the three of us visited as we waited on the show to start. And Fire Guy did come. He was really nice and at least feigned interest. My horse did not do her best which was a little frustrating but hey I guess we all have our days! I left with two ribbons so maybe the night wasn't a complete bust.

After the show Vivi, Vixen, Fire Guy and myself headed to Krystal's for much needed food. The conversation was good and Fire Guy was able to handle 2 out 5 of my closest friends. Overall it was a pretty good night. Once back to the barn though things went south. It was my fault I wasn't paying attention and lets just say one of the horses decided to smash me against a wall so today I have a sore hand and a 2x4 scraped up arm! Great ending let me tell ya!

Even with my harm hurting like hell though I couldn't help but smile at the nice night I had with Fire Guy. It was nice to be around a guy who is actually interested in something your into. Vixen gave me thumbs up and let me tell you she can be a pretty harsh critic. So maybe we'll keep him around a least for the time being. He says he'll call. And you know what I think the night went good enough that he just might. He also gets brownie points for seeing me all dirty and sweaty and wanting to hang out again :)

"We were having one of those great first dates you

can only have when it's not an actual date."

~ Carrie SATC

Fire Guy

So sitting at work - 30 minutes to go and today has been interesting. Fire Guy first sent me a text saying "Hey doll i am sorry but there is no way I can go tonight. i have got to go to work! But I would like to go sometime?" Shew ok may have dodged a bullet. Then about an hour later I get another text, "Okay check it out. I just said forget about work! And I really would like to go to the barrel race with you! That is if the offer still stands?" So I can't help but smile I mean Fire Guy is good looking, nice, outdoorsy, and seems to be an all around good guy. So I'm looking forward to tonight and a little nervous! I mean even X never came to a barrel race with me and now here's this guy I'm kinda crushing on that's going to come and I don't even know him that well.... what if I make an ass outta myself? Hopefully not! Also when I go to horse shows I tend to get down and dirty ~ not at all the chic cute girl I usually am. I'm hair in the ponytail, dirt on my boots girl. Maybe I need to chill a bit I mean the two times we've hung out I've done the inviting.... but it's because he asks what I'm doing and lets face it I stay busy and have plans so I just invite him to come along. He does get brownie points for wanting to come, which as a guy who barely knows me means a lot. I just hope he doesn't get to bored waiting. Keep your fingers crossed for me!

Life: Shaken not Stirred

Last night when I got off work instead of going home, taking medicine, and getting in bed I threw on old jeans and headed to the barn. I feel much better today! Sometimes you just need a little fresh air to put that bounce back in your step. It is finally Friday and I am highly anticipating getting off work and going barrel racing tonight! Wow you learn more about me everyday and I bet I'm still surprising you a little aren't I?! Yes, I am a barrel racer. I like fast horses and cold drinks ~ but warning mixing of the two is not advised!

So I may have dug myself a hole. I invited Big to come tonight but did so in the casual 'if your bored' type way. Do I really think he'll come? Hell no! So when Fire Guy asks what I'm doing this weekend I tell him of my plans tonight and in the same way invite him to come. Now your thinking WTF, is she stupid?! And no I am not. I know that Fire Guy has to work a 24 hour shift today, I knew this before I asked. What I did not know was that he would actually want to come and reply back that he is going to see if he can take off work.... Wait for it....... Yes, now I am panicking! I call Vivi and she laughs until she realizes that if they both show up she has to run interference.

See the crazy shit I get into? This is why they don't usually tend to leave me alone, because I will always get myself in some kind of trouble! But hey what fun is life without a little trouble? So do I think they will both come? Chances are slim to none.... We shall have to see, may lead for an interesting post in the future. But don't get your hopes up my hunch is neither will show. Either way I'm looking forward to a fun night at the horse show with my girls! Oh yeah I didn't mention they were coming did I? Vivi, Blondie, and Vixen are coming to be my cheering squad. I tell you me and these girls are in it together for life. I am so lucky to have such wonderful and supportive friends! I don't mean to be cliche but I would literally be lost without them! They are the loves of my life and as the quote I posted yesterday stated a man would be lucky to come in fourth.

"I like my life the way I like my drinks - shaken not stirred."

~ E

Summer Cold

Today I sit at work pondering on what topic I should cover today. But my head is floating away and I can't quiet get a grasp on my ideas. Yes, my late night Jeep ride up the mountain in the cool, summer, night air was great but I am reeking the consequences today. My head is stopped up, my throat scratchy, and I feel like an overall space cadet. I'm watching the minutes tick by counting down till the time comes I can go home, slide on my PJ's and curl up on the couch. I doubt Hyper will go for this plan. I'd say she will want to play, play, play.

Trip To The Top Of The World

I figured last night would be uneventful. I was thinking I would go home to meet Vivi, we would eat diner and then just lounge around. As we start to eat I get a text "what are ya'll doing tonight?" Of course it was from Big and this was the beginning of the end. And I'll admit I was a little in shock. After hanging out with him practically all weekend normally I would not hear from him for at least a weak.

Vivi and I finished eating and climbed in the car and headed to his house. We didn't know till we got there but the boys were in rare form and we were celebrating Big's passing the military test. As I sat on the porch rail with Big's back to me leaning against me it was if I had hopped in a time machine and went back about ten years. I felt like I was in high school all over. We may have all gained a little weight and the conversations may be slightly different than those years ago but that was it.

One thing led to another and the next thing I know I am in the passenger seat of Big's Jeep heading up the mountain. With the top off the cool night air blows my hair leaving it in knots that seem to take forever to come out. We pull off at the state park overlook and our small group of six pile out of the two Jeeps and head up the walking trail. It's dark and the moon is thankfully hidden on this foggy night. By the light of our phones we make it up the stairs to the overlook platform. We laugh as we all climb up on the rock wall and stare at the midnight beauty of the mountains around us. We joke and laugh ~ conversations and events that are probably best kept secret. Big took me in his arms and we looked up at the few stars in the sky and finally agreed on which one to wish upon. With a quick star bright star light chant we make silent wishes. Wishes that faded into the night air. I made a general wish, one which I will not tell you for then it may not come true. But last night as our laughter reached up to the sky I realize my wish was already coming true.

I'm not sure how long we stood "on top of the world" probably hours but in reality it felt more like minutes.

In trying to keep my distance from Big I tried to remind myself of Fire Guy throughout the night. And not Fire Guy himself per say, but what he represents in general, other nice guys out there that may be interested in dating. We return to the house and I don't ask to stay just say that I have to get up at 7. He nods his head as he glances at the time then says, "well we better get to bed then." We say goodnight and head for the bedroom. My head hits the pillow and I think about how comfortable I am. As he crawls in bed beside me I had to break the silence with a question better left for daylight but easier to speak out loud in the darkness. Seeing as I have never had a friends with benefits I felt I needed a copy of the rule book. So I asked if someone asked us on a date what should we do? Big and I are not dating but because of our arrangement does that mean we are not to date anybody else and if the answer is no then what we have sounds pretty much like a relationship just with a different label. Big asks who asked me on a date. I don't want to reveal to much information so I told him I had not been asked on a date yet but a guy at a work function had asked for my number. Jealousy starts to seep out as he asks for a name. This goes back and forth for a minute then Big tells me he's better off not knowing the guys name because he would then probably want to hunt him down and kick his a**. ~ Got a confused face going on. Yeah I did to. ~ The 'you don't want me but you don't want anybody else to have me' thought crossed my mind but I kept my mouth shut. His back was to me at this point and I wasn't sure if he was mad or not.

Then he rolled over and took me in his arms as he says ~ You know what I want? The same thing I've always wanted. I just want you to be happy. I'm leaving for the military soon, so maybe you should go out with this guy. I just want you to be happy........ ~ He kisses my forehead. I hear his words but I hear the unspoken ones underneath. The 'I'm not going to tell you not to go but I would rather you didn't' ones.

I laid there with his arms around me curled up in my favorite nook of his body. It's a comfort zone. All I really want is for him to let his guard down. I drift off to sleep.

Somehow something changed this past weekend. I don't know when it changed or what exactly changed but I can feel it. It's a new level of comfort. Is it because he will now hold my hand in front of our friends? Is it because we both know he's leaving soon? Maybe it's that time machine. Maybe because he is being more affectionate and it feels all to familiar. Like a favorite old sweatshirt that just fits and is so comfortable you refuse to get rid of it.

This morning the alarm went off all to soon. I would have given anything to have called in sick. Instead I softly shook his shoulder trying to wake him so he could give me a ride home. This didn't work so after bouncing on his side like a trampoline for 15 minutes he finally laughed as he pleaded "ok, ok I'm getting up." I pulled on one of his long sleeve shirts in preparation for the cold morning air. I climbed in the Jeep and as we started the short journey to my house my teeth chattering. He laughed and cranked up the heat. Which if you've ever rode in an old Jeep with the top off you know as well as I do this was a nice gesture but utterly useless. Heat emerges from the floorboard vents blowing stronger closer to his side. He puts his hand on my leg and pulls it closer to his side and the heat. His hand remains on my leg till he has to change gears. As we pull in my drive-way he leans over and hugs me. There is no awkwardness, not that there really ever has been, but it just feels different. Something I can't put my finger on. My heart feels light today and my head clear. I have my eyes open ready for whatever may lie ahead.

"Maybe all men are a drug.

Sometimes they bring you down and sometimes,

like now, they get you so high."

~ Carrie, SATC ~