Roller Coaster Ride of Life

(Ok started this Monday but hectic so finishing today)

Friday night sitting around with friends playing cards and laughing and my phone goes off. It's Fire Guy. I'll admit I was a little shocked, I mean I'd already deleted his number and wrote him off. He broke his hand (which he sent a pic of and it looked awful) and then put "I don't think this is working between me and you." Pause As the card game went on around me I looked at my phone display dumbfounded. Ok......... I wrote back the usual: sorry-about-the-hand-maybe-we-can-still-be-friends. But I'll admit I was slightly bumfuzzeled. I mean he was the one always wanting to hangout, etc. I hate the game of dating. Why the games? I would like to know what happened so as to avoid future similar situations. But oh well. Three steps forward, two steps back.

Packing has been so hard. I keep finding reminders of a time when X and I were happy. Over the years we had some bad times, but we also had so many good times. I guess it's made me start to second guess myself. Now that time has gone by it's like I can look back and see things that should have been done differently. Hind sight is always 20/20 and that can suck sometimes. If I knew then what I knew now I would have done a lot of things differently. But that's the part about learning from your mistakes. Last night I called Conscious for advice and insight..... and I needed a shoulder to cry on. She is always my guiding light. After talking with her I knew I wanted to talk to X about all the emotions I was feeling. She said it may do us good to talk, so I called. He was busy and said he'd call me back. I really didn't think he would...... but as I lay in bed half asleep the phone rang. It was him. It turned into a 3 hour conversation that left me laying at awake at 1:30 a.m. with to many things going thru my mind.

Overall the conversation was good and I think made us both feel better. He told me how hard all of this has been on him and he keeps hearing how good I'm doing and has felt resentment towards me because of it. I was glad to hear he was also doing bad (you know what I mean) and that I wasn't alone. Apparently I just put on a better fake smile then he does. We talked about his joining the military, the house, and about life in general. It was nice to talk to him on a friendly basis's.

Can I get off the emotional roller coaster now?

"Welcome to the real world! It sucks! You're going to love it!"

~ Monica, Friends ~