Drunken Thoughts

Ok I wrote this in my phone one drunken night with the intentions of blogging it and never got around to posting it till now 9/26/08 but I am dating it for the date I originally wrote it. This was the deer miss/wreck night. Apparently I tend to get philosophical after a few drinks:



Why at times are we so stupid? Why when we know better do we still care? And why do friends tend to want to tell you the truth when they know you can't handle it? And when you tell them your cool do they get mad at you? Life is full of so many unanswered questions. When do the questions end and the answers start coming? I know Big and I will never end with happy ever after but can I not live in the present and be happy without everyone judging me for it? I don't judge them and the choices they make so why am I now on trial? I love him. There I said it. I can't help it. I always have and probably always will. Is that wrong? Yes, perhaps. I know she is just looking out for me but its my life to live. My mistakes to make. I know this is a mistake I continue to make and not learn from but that's my choice. Right? I know she just wants whats best for me but.........

~ Lady Luck ~

For some reason I have been in such a good mood lately. As I said before I feel like things are going to start going my way. Well it seems they are! In two weeks Blondie, Vivi, Vixen and myself will board a plan headed to warm tropical destinations. Once we land we will board a cruise in which we plan on soaking up the sun while drinking drinks that require little umbrella's. Yes, we plan on being young and carefree! I can't wait I've never flown before so I'll admit I'm a little nervous.... but hey I got 3 of my best friends with me so I know I'll be ok!

Maybe I'm in such a good mood that nothing will bring me down... so I go to pick up lunch today and I have the sudden urge to talk to Big. I quickly push this feeling aside, refusing to make contact with him. I sit at the drive-thru waiting on my lunch (which I might add here was not good) and that little voice once again persists that I send Big a text. I'm in such a good mood I think what the hell and dig my phone out of my purse. I sent a quick 'hope your having a good day' text and instantly feel glad I sent it. Why? Not sure just one of those weird vibes. I didn't expect him to reply, but Big, always being full of surprises, did. This time my heart didn't flutter as it usually does and I didn't feel those butterflies in my stomach that so often go along with contact from him. Maybe I really am letting go....... I know you just told yourself 'yeah right'. And I know your right I mean after all it's Big. Can one really ever let their version of Big go? Even when we think we have, we are only fooling ourselves. He's like a scar that will never truly fade. And you know I think I'm ok with that. I just have to stop making him something that he's not and probably never will be. I need to see him for who he is not the person I want him to be.

"There's always that one guy that you will always go back to. Even though you

date other people in between, you always in the back of

your mind hoping you run into that guy"

~unknown

"do you realize what you are to me? what your always going to be?

your my first love. the love of my life.

there will never be another you."

~Unkonwn

Finding the Proverbial Mr. Big

This morning I check my daily Tarot card reading and this is the first part:

Beware of setting your sights too high in matters of the heart today, dear E. The pairing of the Fool and the Moon indicates that your hopes are sure to be dashed. You have a tendency to idealize the people you love, but reality will show you that you've invested too much in them or in your relationship. Which is why you're in danger of being disillusioned. Remember, nobody's perfect.

This is so true, when I really like someone I tend to make them out to be perfect and that they have no flaws. Or maybe it's that I'm blinded to them..... either way I look for only the good in them. This is how I think I have always been with Big and even for awhile with X. I know his flaws but I choose not to see him.

"And so, at last, the book has a real ending, in which Carrie and Mr. Big break up. It's a bittersweet ending - not just the end of Carrie's relationship with Mr. Big, but the end of her dream of finding the proverbial Mr. Big - a man who doesn't really exist. If you read closely, you'll discover that even Mr. Big himself points out that he is a fantasy in Carrie's imagination, and that you can't love a fantasy. And so we leave Carrie to enter a new phase in her life when she understands that she will have to find herself (without a man), and in doing so with hopefully be able to find a relationship"

(Bushnell, 2001).

I could not have said it better myself. So here I am, without a man, and finding myself once again. And you know what? It's a great thing! I can honestly say that I'm happy. I mean I have my highs and lows but overall I'm doing ok and I know I'm going to make it.

So to follow up yesterday the last message I got from Fire Guy said, "okay doll take care and ill call!" Will he really call? The exclamation point at the end leads me to believe that he may actually call. Only time will tell. But I'm ready for a new adventure.

Taking Chances

Today at work I checked my horoscope and it said that today luck will be on my side. So with that in mind and the fact I am in way to chipper of a mood I decide to make contact with Fire Guy. Remember Fire Guy? He's the one I met at the company get together this last weekend. Well I'm friends with him on myspace so I send a quick message ~ just a basic hi, how are you - type message. The way I see it I have nothing to lose ~ yep here comes my go-get-it personality coming out.

So he replied! And the conversation has continued on through several messages. But good news I guess ~ he has invited me to go kayaking sometime. Which is something I have never tried, but hey I'll try about anything at least once. No definite date set or anything. But it brings a smile to my face none the less.

Sometimes in life you have to take chances. Throw the "what if's" to the side and just go for it. The results can be good or sometimes bad, but at least you'll never wonder what if. Life's to short to be anything but happy. I'm learning that more and more everyday. Will Fire Guy turn into my first date as a newly single girl? Not sure yet. Perhaps. And perhaps not.

Ok just got a message asking when I want to go so I gave him my number. So we will see. Maybe today luck is on my side....

I Miss You

Today has seemed to be a little hectic and scattered. The new job is getting better therefor I'm staying a little busier. Great for job security, but bad because not enough time to write. Anyway things are starting to look up I believe. Is it blind faith? Or just hope that things will get better because they can't get much worse? I'm not sure. But I think things are going to start going my way. Why? Because I'm going to make them. Plain and simple. You are only as happy as you allow yourself to be. I believe that. No one can make you happy but you; others can help but you alone hold the power. Anyway that's my rambling for today.

So works busy. Went to lunch with Blondie and Giggles. It was nice to get out of the office for a bit. We were going to have drinks, but to many witnesses were around to be drinking with lunch..... maybe another day. After lunch I checked myspace and was informed I had one new message. And there in my inbox was a message from an old friend. The message held one lone sentence, "I miss you." It was as if the world around me stopped and all the chaos ceased as I sat in my bubble and stared at the computer screen and those three, lone words.

Instantly it brought a smile to my face - it's nice to know someone is thinking about you. But then I started reflecting on the different journeys life takes us on. How is that someone goes from being a close friend to an old friend? And it seems that this can happen so quickly you may never even realize that it has happened. For a moment I became nostalgic and thought back on many fond memories. But my trip down memory lane was cut short and I was forced to come back to the present. To much to do today, that road trip will have to be left for another day.

He's not my boyfriend, he's just someone I'm trying on.

~Carrie SATC

It's Big, It's Pink.....

It's an elephant. Big and X did go together to take the test. How do I know? X told me. Weird? You bet! Today Don Juan and I were texting back and forth (he asked if I might want to be his new roommate - go into that later) and I asked him if Big was serious. And Don Juan said yes that Big is serious about joining. So how do you like that for turn of events? And Big will not talk to me. Yeah so that's the end of that.

Now back to being roomies with Don Juan. It has it's pros and cons. Location would be a big pro. But I've seen this boys idea of housekeeping and let me tell ya it's a far cry from my own. It's not time to cross this bridge just yet so I'll leave these thoughts for another day.

Today I also created a who's who page if your having trouble keeping all the characters straight. The link is to the right or http://sites.google.com/site/lifeofasinglegirl/Home/whos-who

Hope that helps!

The Pink Elephant

Last night I was. Home. Alone. And. Bored. So I picked up the phone and texted one of my best guy friends, Don Juan. Normally we do Sunday movie night but life has been so hectic lately we haven't done one in awhile and I was in need of quality time with the guys. I enjoy hanging with my girls but sometimes you just need to be one of the guys. I guess because for so many years I was one of the guys -I need those days every once in awhile to recapture those young, carefree days. And they are always fun and entertaining and sometimes a little interesting. Now I know what your thinking isn't Don Juan Big's roommate? And the answer is yes. But Don Juan and I have been friends for years and no matter who either of us dates or whatever, we are friends no matter what. That's the bottom line. Has been and always will be.

So I head over hoping Big will not be there but I prepare myself in case he is. I haven't spoken to him in over a week so I'm a little nervous. I pull in the driveway and there is his truck. And Don Juan's car. And now brace yourself..... another vehicle. Crap. I had not prepared myself for the possible "worst case scenario" - what if he has another girl here?

I enter the house and Don Juan is sitting on the couch waiting for me. Big's door is closed and I can hear the noise of a football game coming from within. I keep my cool and head for the comfy chair. Yes, you know what I'm talking about that big overstuffed chair that every bachelor guy's-guy has. The one that is so comfortable when you sit down it feels as if it wraps it's arms around you. I quickly claim it and we start discussing which movie to watch. Then out comes Big. He says hi and is all friendly. Asking the "how are you", "what have you been up to", generic questions. I answer all the while thinking, "if you'd reply to your text messages you'd effing know." But alas I bit my tongue. By this time my mind has started to work and I realize no one else is here (I admit I felt a little relieved) and that the vehicle in question belonged to Don Juan's mom if I remember correctly...... so anyway Big is nice. I'm nice.

Then our other friend RC shows up. Now RC is a cutie and funny as hell but way to young! I think he is early twenties.... anyway so Big returns to his football game and Don Juan, RC and myself watch Fools Gold. I had fun hanging with the guys. Then as I start to leave I debate on weather I should tell Big bye or not and decide that I should. So I go to his door, I don't knock but open the door - he's laying on the bed watching a boxing match. I tell him bye and that I'm going home. He replies, "your leaving?"........................ did you just ask yourself what the hell?! Yeah I did to.............. So I answer yes and he says, "well come give me a hug."

I do and close his door again feeling utterly confused. I hug Don Juan and RC bye and RC so young but at times so thoughtful tells me it's raining and to be careful driving home.

Now to make the night more interesting I forgot to mention X called Don Juan to ask if Big was going to go with him Monday to take the military test. Great just great. I don't know the answer. Did they go together today or not? Don't know. If they did I feel as if there is a big pink elephant in the car. Riding in the backseat. You know it's there but you don't want to acknowledge the fact it's there. And I hope that my name DOES NOT come up!! But what else do they have in common really? So I'm sweating that a little today. And I know this new 'friendship' is why Big has backed off. Just wish he had the guts (or balls) to tell me. And trust me if they go together that pink elephant will have to have had a few drinks to survive that trip! lol

So back to last night. I go home and on the way I sent Big a text asking what's up. It was nice, yet to the point. Did he reply? No and I knew he wouldn't but I felt better for having spoken my mind. I'm not upset. Why? Because with Big I just know deep down that it's never really over. For better or worse he'll always be there if I really need him. Still not sure if that is a good thing...... and once home I got a nice text from RC asking if I made if home okay. It wasn't from the person I wanted it to be from but it was nice to know that RC, no matter how young he is, can be a gentleman at times. The world needs more nice guys.

Miranda: Men—wait, let me rephrase that—some men...

Carrie: Good move, counselor. That will look much better

on the court transcripts of this dinner.

SATC

Tiki TIme

Last night was the office cookout I wrote about a few weeks ago, and no I didn't ask Big. After getting the invitation I decided to hold off a few weeks on asking him, and after finding out it was not only an office party but a who's-who-of-a-small-town-party I decided it best I go solo. Or better yet take Blondie. So that is what I did. We arrived around 5:30 and mingled a bit. Us and two other friends being about the youngest ones there. So here's how the night broke down:

• Me and Blondie were the only ones not drinking (didn't think it wise to get drunk at 1st office party)
• Got hit on by an old guy, who no one seemed to know who he was
• Smiled as introduced to people who I will never remember their names
• When in doubt smile and nod
• Took part in pointless conversation
  

Then in walked a cute guy about our age, the night started looking up - Fire Guy. At seeing me and Blondie he smiled and came over to say hi. --- Maybe I should mention here that he was not a random stranger and that we do know him ---- He was nice, charming, and I quickly considered him as potential first date material. We talked awhile and then I walked away hoping that I was having the leave-them-wanting-more affect. From here I visited a little longer with our two friends at the party, shook some more hands, and of course more smiles and nods. Then it was time to go. Blondie and I said our good byes. And come to find out Fire Guy's dad knows my mom and tells me I look just like her -Which I get all the time and I do take it as a compliment. Fire Guy smiles and we tell him goodbye. For some reason just having a good conversation with a guy cheered me up. Gave me hope, perhaps. Good guys are out there. They do exist and one day I'll find the right one for me.

Riding With The Top Down

Last Night Blondie and myself headed for the sports bar to visit with Bartender. We walked in and the place was packed!! We ran into our guy friend/Blondie's color buddy, Electric T (not on purpose) and claimed a booth. We are way to regulars here. If busy the waitresses know to ignore us - we place our own order with the kitchen and the bar and pretty much fend for ourselves. So Electric T joins us and we all eat diner, talking and laughing. It is apparent early in the evening that I will be the DD for tonight so I sit back and watch the night unfold. After many, many drinks I get Blondie and Electric T to the car. We head for Electric T's house where we found that in a business deal he has wound up with an old Jeep. When I say old I mean old. But it runs........ barely. So like all great ideas that come late at night the three of us pile in the old Jeep. The drivers seat will not slide up and I'm a shorty so I have to sit as far forward on the seat as I can to get the clutch in. But no challenge to great ~ I get it cranked and we are off! No top, No seat belts, No power steering. Just three friends in a big Jeep tearing down a dirt road! Laughter feels the air as Blondie and myself sing, making up for the lack of a radio. The Jeep pulls to the left but that's ok I got this. Sometimes in life you just have to enjoy the ride.

Miller Time

Everyday for work I make the walk across the parking lot to check the mail. I usually enjoy this time of day. Why you may ask. Because this is my time to escape and enjoy being outside. Well today as I walk back to the office flipping thru the mail a horn sounds, making me jump. I hear someone yell "hey" and whistle. I turn to see what the commotion is and from the 4lane a guy is hanging out the passenger side of a Miller Light truck. He waves and I realize he was hollering at me! I blush and smile all at the same time, still a little in shock that I was being honked at. Not that I think I'm ugly or anything.... I just..... I don't know I guess I'm modest. People honk and yell at my friends, not quite shy me. I smiled as I walked back to the office, laughing to myself at what could be seen as a compliment or just a nuisance. Today I will take it as a compliment.

Now if only they'd have pulled over and gave me free beer. Me and my girls can always go for some Miller time.

WTF?!

So today as I sit at work I get a text from X which turns into a conversation. Let's just say he is finally making some plans for the future (which I tried to get him to do forever). And he is planning on joining a branch of the military, might be a good thing for him. But he sends a text saying, "I may have talked Big into goin to." My heart stops and I suddenly have to remind myself to breath.

Mind you X knows of my past with Big, not my current but my past. We have all hung out in groups before and even though the two have never been friends per say they were acquaintances. I had heard from a friend of a friend that the two may have attended the same party this past weekend. But I wasn't concerned.

Until now.

They cannot become all buddy buddy! I mean really! This cannot be good.

Sorry I was just caught a little off guard. I mean really. How would you react? Well as you can see I panicked. And then it was as if a lightbulb had gone off in my head. No wonder I have not heard from Big. X has been nice to him and now he feels guilty. At least that's what I'll tell myself. Might as well make myself feel better. Right? Right. Interesting to say the least.

I felt I needed to add a SATC quote that made this more relevant.....

Believe me, I would love to be one of those people who's all; we loved, thank you,

you enriched my life, now go and prosper.

But I'm much more; we didn't work out, you need to not exist.

~Miranda

Paying it Forward

So what kinda person are you? Well I'm the type of girl who can be a little over the top sometimes and I tend to usually put everything ahead of myself, even little wild animals. Yes, I'm the kinda girl that saves turtles. You know what I'm talking about. After the rain you see them in the middle of the road. Do you stop to move them? Do you swerve to miss them? Or do you keep driving as if they were not there? I'm the kinda girl that if possible I stop and move them to the side of the road to which they are headed. But this year I seem to have gone beyond just saving turtles.

So let me introduce you to my animal kingdom. It started out this spring with a bird's nest. Which was all nice and good. Three babies hatched, I watched them grow and then one day they left the nest never to return. But it was time. I had watched them grow, their first attempts to fly (in which one flew straight into the side of the house), and now they were big enough to be on their on.

Then there's Herby. Who is a lizard that likes to hang out on the back porch with me in the evenings. Yep I named the lizard. Before getting Hyper this was the only pet I had. And every evening he would come and sit on the rail as I sat at the table on the porch and enjoyed the evening. I thought Herby was a he but I came home one evening to see Herby with another lizard and we'll say after that encounter I determined that he was perhaps a she. And now I believe I have baby lizards running around.....

Then on a hanging basket a spider had a built a web, and one day in this web appeared many, many little dots. You guessed it Charlotte's web was now a nursery (notice everyone seems to be reproducing but me?). And no I could not kill the spiders. I let them be and watched as they to grew up and left the web.

Now on to the saving part: A few months back I was feeding horses and Onyx, on of our big stallions, was jumping around and having a fit. Everyone gets excited at feeding time so I told him to hold on it was almost his turn. He snorted and jumped throwing himself against the front wall of his stall. This caught my attention because he's never that impatient. As he huffs and puffs I open his stall door. By this time he has himself as close to the front wall of his stall as he can get. "What is wrong with you?" I asked watching this huge horse cower in fear. Then out the corner of my eye I saw a slight movement, to witch Onyx snorted again. In the back of the stall was a baby bird hoping around on the ground trying to fly to the window above. Every time he would hit the wall and fall back down. So my elephant seemed to be afraid of mice. At this point I noticed Scooter (the barn cat) standing behind me eyeing what he hoped to be his next victim.

I shooed him away and pulled my gloves out of my back pocket. I spoke soothingly to Onyx and made my way slowly toward the baby bird. It took a minute but I did catch him. I held him up the window and he flew away. Onyx was relived to have his stall once again to himself and Scooter was mad at me for running his potential hunt. Me? I felt like I had done my good deed of the day.

So then a few weeks later I'm sitting on the back porch with Hyper (my new Jack Russel Terror puppy) when I see a movement at the top of the driveway, a tiny gray blur that darts into the woods. Not far behind is the neighbors calico cat who pauses for a moment looking for the gray blur. I realize it's a baby rabbit. Yep I'm a softy. I walked off the porch and as soon as I made it in the driveway the baby rabbit came running straight to me. This caught me a little by surprise. The rabbit to the grass about foot from my feet and stopped, breathing heavily from what I took had been a long chase. The cat sat at the top of the driveway eyeing me. Poor little rabbit looked scared to death as it laid down in the grass still trying to catch its breath. Apparently it was not afraid of me at all. By this time Hyper (who is afraid to walk down stairs) starts barking at me from the porch. She seems aggravated she was not allowed to be part of the excitement. At her barking the cat turns and walks away. The rabbit sits a moment longer, looks around, and then scurries off into the woods.

So as you can see I'm a softy. And I seem to be on a roll this year with saving wildlife. But I believe what goes around comes around so hopefully I'm just paying it forward.

Freeze Out Day 6

And just to update you. The freeze out is still on - and I am now on day 6 I believe? Or is it 5? Oh well anyway it is still in affect! For some reason I have this feeling that it's over and the words have just not yet been spoken. And surprisingly enough.... I'm ok with that. Why? Because I'm afraid of getting to close. Plain and simple there it is in black and white. I'm afraid of falling for him and getting in over my head and getting my heart broke. I'm not yet ready to give my heart to anyone. I'm still trying to put it together from the pieces X left behind. And you know what? I think I about have it back together which is a great thing and I don't want to give it to anyone else just yet. I think I want to hold onto it, keep it safe.

So maybe it's time to let go of Big as well. Yeah I know I say that now but you know as well as I do if he calls I'll jump thru whatever hoops he's holding up. Perhaps I'm becoming a well trained poodle? Anyway with a shake of my head I'll clear those thoughts. You know what I'm alright and I'm moving on. If Big calls he calls if not it's his loss. This poodle's done.

And funny enough after writing this post I went to msn.com to check my Tarot card reading for the day I thought I had to share it because it does reflect my mood....



August 19, 2008


Tarot reading for e:


Love: Strength

Touchstone: The Star

Career: Temperance

As far as your romantic life is concerned, thanks to the Star and Strength you feel almost like a carefree youngster. You have a bright smile on your face, and you radiate confidence. And you have good reason, E, today Luck is definitely on your side! But that does not mean that you should open your door wide for everyone! Be careful not to confuse confidence and naivety. In the professional domain, you are able to resolve conflicts easily and to get around any difficulties with diplomacy and goodwill. Temperance and the Star indicate that your serenity and your confidence make you into someone who takes on a natural leadership position and who acts as a conciliator. You have a great gift motivating others in such a way that each of them contributes in their own way.

Coulda, Shoulda, Woulda

"So many roads. So many detours. So many choices. So many mistakes. As we drive along this road called life, occassionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens,

I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going."

~ Carrie SATC ~

I think that pretty much says it all. I'm feeling more positive today and am realizing I have to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda's. It's hard letting go, I won't lie. But sometimes perhaps it's even harder trying to hold on. Life goes on. Yet I'm not quite ready for it to go on just yet. I feel as if I need to mourn the past..... maybe a few more days at least. I look forward to Friday. Big plans you ask? Yes, I'm going on a hot date.... with myself. I'm planning on going home, throwing on my most comfy sweatpants and curling up on the couch with Hyper. I want to turn off the phone and just be lazy. Sounds like the perfect date to me :)

Just Another Day

So far today is just another day. Nothing exciting to discuss no events from the weekend to ponder. Nothing. I have nada, zilch, zero. I'm ready to pick up the pace and start moving forward. I feel like if life's a dance mine is three steps forward and two steps back and no matter what I can not get ahead. I'm one of those people that think I can dance by waving my arms in the air, shaking my ass, and moving around in small circles (when in reality I'm not dancing just making a fool out of myself). And that is exactly what I am doing - going around in circles.



Part of me longs to have my old life back ~ the glossy image that remains in my mind, you know the one that seems perfect because you painted it yourself and left out all the flaws, yeah that one. The one in which I had someone to come home to every night. Someone that you knew loved you unconditionally. Maybe he wasn't perfect but I did know that X always loved me. And what did I do? I feel as if I just threw that love away and said it wasn't enough. The painful part was I did tell him that. I told him it just wasn't enough anymore. At that moment I think he would have rather me run his truck off a cliff then say those words. But the words were out and I couldn't take them back. Now as I go home every night to an empty house I ask myself - should love have been enough? I mean how many people would love to have what I had. I mean it wasn't always perfect but then again nothing ever is. Is it? Is there really such thing as a perfect relationship? Or is that a myth? An urban legend like the loch-ness monster and big foot? Yet someone claims to have found Big Foot in the North Georgia mountains so maybe it's not all a myth. Maybe a perfect relationship does exist. As I write the words even I know they are not true. Just something we tell ourselves. Just like I tell myself everyday I am better off without X. But I'm not sure I really believe myself.



I feel as if I have failed myself. Not the 25 year old me but the 10 year old little girl within that had so many big dreams and plans. I have let her down in that I have fulfilled none of those dreams and plans she had. I know I'm still young and I still have time. But at this point in my life I'm really ready to be settled. I want the husband, the house (my house), the family, the job I enjoy. Not to be selfish, but I want it all. And I was on the path to having 2 out of 4 with the 3rd option a possibility in the next few years. But now I'm starting over. Is it worth it? Did I make the right decision? When will things get easier? Will I look back at this point in my life one day with regret? Or with relief because something better is out there? So many questions and no answers. Only time tell. I take the cards life has dealt me and I lay them down on the table in front of me. I'm leaving this game up to fate and God only they know what is in store for me. Hopefully it's a game I'll win.

“It's really hard to walk in a single woman's shoes -- that's why you sometimes need really special shoes!”

~ Carrie, Sex and the City

Spirits of Relatonships past

"When a relationship dies do we ever really give up the ghost or are we forever haunted by the spirits of relationships past?" ~ Carrie SATC

Interesting question. Makes you think doesn't it? Makes you stop and think about those ghosts in the closet. Do we ever really give them up? Apparently I do not. I have dated more than my share of guys but only three that I would label with the term 'relationship'. Is that sad? On second thought to answer that question - no, not considering I dated one of those for over 7 years.

Anyway yes, I guess I have been haunted by relationships past. Like for years I always felt bad about my first, what I would call real, relationship. I will call him PL because he was my first puppy love. PL was a great guy. Sweet, charming, and worshiped the ground I walked on. I mean really at 16 what more could a girl have wanted? Did I mention he was cute? Well he was cute, hell I woulda considered him outta my league but yet he was mine for over a year. And then I broke his heart. I always felt bad about that. This ghost haunted me up until Halloween when I was 21 (?) maybe 22 (?). Don't remember how old I was but I do know I was old enough to drink cause I was in a bar and to intoxicated to drive. PL was there and he had also had to much to drink but our mutual friend (his driver) had not and they offered to give me a ride home as well. Anyway long story short we stopped at the gas station and while friend was out of the truck PL tried to kiss me. I was drunk but not that drunk and I was in dire need to get things off my chest. I had felt bad for so long about the way I had treated him. So I delivered my drunken apology. He listened and then thanked me and told me it was one of the nicest things anyone had ever said to him. Did I let him kiss me? No, some roads do not need to be traveled back down ~ definitely no drinking and driving, so to speak. But I did let him hug me good night and walk me to the door. I still see PL from time to time but now I talk to him with no regrets about the past. With that apology I was free. But his ghost has always been with me reminding me to think before I jump.

And the ghost of Big.... well.... we can see he is still haunting me. And X I'd say will also haunt me for years to come. But maybe that's a good thing. I think the ghost is there as a reminder and helps you to become a better person within a relationship. So I think I will be forever haunted by those ghost but after contemplating it I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing.....

Girls Night

Last night Vivi, Vixen, Blondie, Giggles, Babbles, and myself went out for a girls night. We went out to eat at one of our favorite local joints and enjoyed drinks, diner, and conversation. I tell ya when we get together no topic is off limits and it amazes me sometimes how open we are with each other. Feeling a little tipsy and not yet ready to go home we decided to walk to the sports bar close by which is owned by a very dear friend Bartender. She laughs at us as we walk in and claim seats around the bar. Blondie's ex is there with the new gal which was interesting. But no fireworks ~ everything went good. Bartender lined us up with drinks as we continued to laugh the night away and speculate about things better left for sober discussions. Should've known we were in trouble when Bartender pulled out the shot glasses and passed them around. With a toast I don't remember we clinked our glasses and bottoms up. When Bartender passes out the shots you never know what you are getting and if you ask she will not tell. Just a smile on her face as she asks if it was good. The shot burned as it went down and it seemed to have a kick at the end. Bartender grinned at me as I stated this and whispered "that kick was 100 proof." And I tell you what I felt it! Perhaps a 100 times over. lol

The night slipped away all to soon and we hugged bartender, bid our goodbyes and made our way to the next bar. I was feeling my liquor at this point and felt as if I were trying to drown away my sorrows and if that were the case I was doing a damn good job of it. We entered the bar all buzzed enough to walk and act like we owned the place. Which I should point out is normal for us. If you act confident people will believe you are, even if you are from it.

All of a sudden I saw a blast from my past a girl who at one time Vixen and myself had been close to - Eclipse. We had not seen Eclipse in years! We embraced and laughed as we caught up. It was great to see her! Then she asked, "So are you and Big married yet?" My jaw drops as Vixen snickers under her breath. I finally choke out a reply, "No but I do still talk to him occasionally." Vixen shoots me a look like 'is that all' to which I ignore. "Huh," Eclipse states, "I always thought you two'd end up together." I quickly change the subject at this point still in a druken shock by the question. We laugh and talk about the old days and fun times we had with Big and Don Juan.

The night dwindles by and it's time to go home. Blondie and I, for lack of a more accurate word, fall into the backseat of the Firebird and Vixen claims shotgun and Vivi (who is not drunk ~ we don't drink and drive) climbs behind the wheel. The ride home went by in a blur of laughter and I'm sure Vivi was ready to kick us out of the car. But she was patient and we arrived home safetly where more drinks were poured and the cards were delt. We always like a good game of cards.

"Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you were to become who you will be."

If you had the chance would you want to know how your life was going to work out? Would you want to know about all the heartache and troubles you face, along with the happy times? Today as I sit and wonder about my life at this point I think I would want to know in part. I just want to know I'm doing the right thing and that things will get better and this will get easier. For some reason this has been a really hard week. I have been nostalgic and time has seemed to erase the bad things and leave only the good. But that's how my mind works I forgive and forget after time. Which can be a good thing, but with X it only led to repeats of the same things I had already forgiven. And how many times can we forgive? I miss him. I really do. I never thought it would work out this way. When I said I Do I naively really believed it would be forever. If you would have asked me a year ago how I would be now - I would have said happily married, cause at the time I really did think X was the love of my life.

But time changes things. It opens ones eyes to the faults that one tries for so long not to see. It's just so hard to let go of 8 years of your life and think that it may have all been a waste of time. I know deep down it wasn't a waste of time, "cause the struggles make me stronger and the changes make me wise, and happiness has it's own way of taking it's sweet time. No life ain't always beautiful - tears will fall sometimes. Life ain't always beautiful but its a beautiful ride." That was a song my dad always liked. I wish he was here know so I could ask his advice.

Was X really the one and I let him get away ~ or pushed him away? Even I know this probably isn't true and I'm just having a down day. But really though how do we ever know?

I'm just torn I look forward to new beginnings but I look at the door I'm closing behind me with some sorrow. It is like a piece of me is dying and I know I will never get it back. I feel foolish even writing this when I talk about Big as well. Yes, let me just go ahead and state I'm crazy. But last night I was watching Sex and the City (I've really been on a kick lately) before going to bed and it's on the part now with Aidan. He's a great guy and you can't help but love him and you know even though you want him to be he's not the one for Carrie. X was my Aidan. And in the episode that was on last night Carrie tells Big she is going to marry Aidan and Big tells her that Aidan is not the man for her. As I sat and watched this it was like Deja Vu because I had had this same conversation with my own Mr. Big at one point in time. Once before the wedding and once during the divorce. He told me he was surprised I ever married X cause everyone knew he wasn't the one for me. I wanted to ask who everyone was and where the hell were they before the wedding. But I bit my tongue. He had tried to warn me but I refused to listen. Just like Carrie, Big had burned me in the past and I wasn't really wanting his advice. I felt like he didn't want me but he didn't want anyone else to have me either. Years later I have to laugh at the irony and the course my life has taken along with the recent turn of events.

Well I think this is enough about me today. After reflecting I feel better. Not as down and out. Yep writing is really free therapy. So here's to a fun weekend ahead maybe I will have more upbeat news Monday. :)

Our Day Thus Far

I originally posted this on (Mis)Adverntures of a "what if I do?" girl( http://whatifidogirl.blogspot.com/ ) ~ but it ties in with my other post today so thought I would also post it here. See I'm not the only one who gets aggravated with guys? lol


So during the day while Vivi and myself are at work we tend to text or email back and forth during downtime. I thought today's email would be a good post for today. I thought it was good for a laugh. Of course names have been changed :)

From Vivi:
Texting is not working for me today so I thought I'd just e-mail ya.

He should have at least said something back last night. They are so freaking confusing! He had no right just to leave it hanging. (Can you tell I'm fixing to let my frustration out on him?) He should know that by doing that he is going to make it harder for you to ever trust him in the future... friends or more.

Now, as for why he didn't reply? It was rather lateish whenever you sent it. He could have went to sleep, been playing some sort of game or something. You know me, I always try to think the best. Sometimes that's hard though. Now, do you think I pushed too hard? WHY IS HE NOT REPLYING? It was sooo innocent too. Oh well, I just don't want to loose the friendship too. I mean, come on now. I'm NOT CRAZY. lol

So yeah, back to tourism and pr.

My Response in which Vivi replied under each number in green
1.Big - I agree he should have replied (today is day 1 of freeze out - see blog lol) but it wasn't that late it was only 10 last week when he sent me a message it was like 11. Next time we are alone I'm going to say something along the lines of benefits are great - the friends part needs some work - and this isn't a one way street. I mean if he wouldn't have replied the 1st time that would be one thing but why reply to one and not the next? Just pisses me off!!
Freeze you aye? Well good luck with that one. I know you better than that and I know him. I bet you get a message tomorrow night when we are doing girls night or something. Yep, leave it up to them to screw things up.

2.Don Juan ~ another pain in my ass! lol yes your text was innocent and he should have replied. He may have been busy at work. I think if you haven't talked to him by next week you need to send a msg saying you don't want to be like Clingy Chick and you don't want things to be weird and that you can still be friends without him freaking out that your trying to tie him down.
LOL, another pain? tell me about it. I just don't get it. Earlier in times when he wanted to do stuff he was all about it. Now when I send stuff--whatever. I will leave him alone and I will never bring up that I know how he felt about her but eventually I might have to stay that I want the friendship to keep going. I'm not saying that I want to hang out with him and some other girl on the weekends but we should still be able to be friends. Also, this is my weekend! LOL I feel like this is a custody thing. hahah not really, but two weeks? Come on now!

3. Blog - you started it ~ write on it! lol I can't keep up 2 on my own and if our lives don't get more interesting soon I'm going to have to start making up stuff! lol
I will but honey I just don't have time! I can't do it at work and when I get off I've been busy this week. Tonight is lions and merchants and packing... but I will try to come up with something interesting... even though my life is defiantly not interesting at this point.

4.Have a good day
You too! I'm going to have lunch with someone from ______ Power in a few.
5. Another quote that made me laugh:
Miranda: Who is this Amalita Amalfi character anyway? I'm concerned that you've been drafted into a ring of high-class hookers.
Carrie: She isn't a hooker. She's... she's like an international party girl.
Miranda: She's a hooker with a passport.

GREAT quote.. love that one. It is very true!!!

Freeze Out: Day 1

Why are men so dang complicated and confusing? I mean really - each one needs to come with a manual. So my stubbornness has finally kicked in. I hadn't talked to Big since Saturday. Which he did drop what he was doing and him and some of his friends came by the house and played cards with Vivi, Blondie, and myself. But that is neither here nor there - so anyway haven't heard from him since Saturday night. This has been kinda a long week and last night I would have really just liked someone to talk to. So I send a text "what r u doing" a few minutes later I get a reply, "laying around u?" to which I reply, "same. why don't you come over and stay the night with me"................................................. minutes pass.............................................and..................
..........................nothing................................ no reply...........................................................................
I send our trademark line for when the other doesn't reply, "?" a simple question mark....... I wait.................................. and nothing. No reply. No yes, no no just no reply.

Well that kinda got under my skin a little so today is Day 1 of what I will call Freeze Out. I will not text him or make contact with him in anyway until he contacts me first. Childish perhaps, yeah, but sometimes it works. As my childhood friend Babbles would say "you got to make him miss you". It did work once in the past few months; he made it only a week. So we'll see.

I remind myself I don't need him in my life right now but I want him in my life. And these can be and are two very different things. So here's to Day 1 ~ may I be strong enough to take a stand!

Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away. ~Carrie

Raining on Sunday

I'm in one of those moods today. You know the kind I'm talking about not up, not down but somewhere in the middle. Just sorta blah. The weather outside reflects my mood as the clouds cover up the suns attempts to come out, yet they refuse to rain. I want to go home lock myself inside, turn off the phone, curl up with a good book and shut out the outside world. I don't want to talk to anybody. I don't want to act like everything's ok when deep down I know its not. I want to be alone, yet I don't want to be all at the same time. This is one of those times you just want him to take you in his arms and hold you. No words neccessary.

Even though it's only Wednesday I pray it's raining Sunday where I can hide under the covers all afternoon and hopefully have someone to hide with me. Chances are slim to none but one can always hope.

Desperate Housewives ~ Mary Alice

"Have you met the perfect couple? The two soul mates whose love never dies? The two lovers whose relationship is never threatened. The husband and wife who trust each other completely. If you haven't met the perfect couple, let me introduce you. They stand atop a layer of butter cream frosting. The secret of their success? Well, for starters, they don't have to look at each other."

Sunday Ride

So today Vivi, Blondie, and myself pulled the t-tops outta the Firebird, pulled our hair up and decided to go for a ride and enjoy the cool August day. Everything was going good we were singing along with the radio and having fun when a all of a sudden explicit language starts coming from the backseat. From where I sit in the passenger seat I reach up and turn down the radio.



"That son of a b**ch," Blondie exclaims. Now I should perhaps explain that the three of us have been testing the waters and each have a 'friend with benefits' thing going on. This is a new experience for all of us. Blondie then explains that she just found out her 'friend', who we will call Electric, went out on a date with his ex-girlfriend. Blondie gets pretty upset seeing that she stayed the night with him only two nights before.



As we once again ride in silence I start thinking about my own situation and how it may be time to get while the gettings good. So far I have done pretty well in keeping my feelings in check but I'm afraid the longer it goes on the more impossible that may be to do. I mean with this type of relationship there are no rules. Big can talk to whomever he wants and so can I. The only agreement we have is that we are not coloring with any one else (if you do not know what coloring is watch the Sex and the City movie). Our relationship is about the moment and could end abruptly at any time if either one of us decides to start dating someone. Am I prepared for that?

Mission Impossible

So last night me and my girls Vixen and Blondie along with our guy friend Twin headed north to meet up with Vivi.

The plan: to go watch one of our favorite up and coming bands at a local bar.
The cog in the wheel: Twin was running late (damn GPS).
The result: We arrived at the bar to be told that the show was sold out.

But do we take no for answer? Hell no. We walk around the corner to the restaurant that is on the backside of the bar. We enter and head for the bar to have a drink while we attempt to form a new game plan. Vivi gets on the phone trying to pull strings to get us in. But to no avail, everyone from her previous radio days either knows no one at the bar or is out of reach. Then as we sit at the bar pondering what to do next Vixen's phone starts ringing. With a flip of her hair she opens the small phone. It is a "friend" (I use the term loosely here) from home who is already at the concert and quite toasty from the sound of it. She promises Vixen that she can get us in. I admit I was a little skeptical, and if you met this girl you would be to! So Vixen leaves us and heads back outside only to return saying she was able to buy 3 armbands.

Now you do the math. There are 5 of us and 3 armbands..... hhhhmmmmm. Another cog in the wheel? Not a chance. See we've been to this place before and we know there is a hallway that connects the restaurant we are in to the bar behind that we want to be in. So we form a new plan. What are we on plan C now?

So Twin, Vixen and Blondie head back out to the street and walk around the block to enter the bar thru the main entrance. Meanwhile Vivi and myself head to the back corner and sit in chairs around a pool table as we wait for one of them to emerge from the hallway. And no this was not just as easy as us walking in. This place isn't stupid they did have two guards in the hallway checking armbands. So our own style of mission impossible is about to go down.

After a few minutes Vixen emerges from the hallway eyes us but keeps walking. She goes to the restaurant bar and orders a drink, she eyes the guards over her shoulder. Once she has her drink she makes her way to us and pulls two bracelets out of her pocket. Vivi slides hers over her wrist with no problem. Me on the other hand can not get the bracelet on! I have very small wrists but it was not working! So after some pulling and tugging it finally slides on.

Vixen said the guard had looked at her suspiciously before so we decided to walk in separate. Vivi and I headed down the hallway. I held my head up trying to look confident, but lets face I just knew we were going to get busted. Mind you I have never snuck into a bar before and I am probably one of the worst liars of all time. So as we approach the guards Vivi flashes her wrist and keeps walking never pausing or hesitating. I follow her lead and just when I think we are home free the guard calls at me to wait. Shit. I turn and he asks me to come over. I glance around checking to see where Vivi is but she is gone. Great. I walk over to the guard and he grabs my wrist.

"Just slide this thing on?"

Shit I'm busted. But I pull on my best poker face and look him in the, "No." I try to give that surprised and insulted look at the same time.

He slides the bracelet on my arm and as tight as it was seemed satisfied that it would not easily slip on and off. "Let me see your ID."

Ok I've been standing here to long now and I'm feeling a little nervous. I reach in my purse and retrieve my ID and hand it over. He looks at it and looks at me. I smile. I mean what else do you do? As he goes to hand it back to me, I think I am home free. But in one swift motion his other hand comes up and tears my bracelet off.

My mouth drops open in shock. Mother Trucker I'm busted. "What are you doing?!" I ask starting to lose my cool.

He grins at me as he grabs another bracelet from the other guard. "You got it on the wrong arm," he laughs as he reaches for my other wrist and wraps the new bracelet around it.

Whew! "Thanks!" I flash a smile as I walk off. Close but mission completed!

End result: Band was great even though we only got to see about half the show. Years from now I probably won't remember the show, but I will always remember our mission impossible ;)

When Girls Drink too much.........

I had received this in an email and thought that it was to funny not to share. I mean I know this describes me and girls pretty good when we've had to much to drink :)

WHEN GIRLS DRINK TOO MUCH............

1. WE HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA WHERE OUR PURSE IS.

2. WE BELIEVE THAT DANCING WITH OUR ARMS OVERHEAD AND WIGGLING OUR BUTT WHILE YELLING "WOO-HOO!" IS TRULY THE SEXIEST DANCE MOVE AROUND.

3. WE'VE SUDDENLY DECIDED THAT WE WANT TO KICK SOMEONE'S BUTT AND HONESTLY BELIEVE WE COULD DO IT TOO.

4. IN OUR LAST TRIP TO PEE, WE REALIZE THAT WE NOW LOOKMORE LIKE A HOMELESS HOOKERS THAN THE GODDESSES WE WERE JUST FOUR HOURS AGO.

5. WE START CRYING AND TELLING EVERYONE WE SEE THAT WE LOVE THEM SOOOOO MUCH.

6. WE GET EXTREMELY E XCITED AND JUMP UP AND DOWN EVERY TIME A NEW SONG PLAY'S BECAUSE "OH MY GOD! I LOVE THIS SONG!"

7. WE'VE FOUND A DEEPER/SPIRITUAL SIDE TO THE GEEK SITTING NEXT TO US.

8. WE'VE SUDDENLY TAKEN UP SMOKING AND BECOME REALLY GOOD AT IT.

9. WE YELL AT THE BARTENDER, WHO WE BELIEVE CHEATED US BY GIVING US JUST LEMONADE, BUT THAT'S JUST BECAUSE WE CAN NO LONGER TASTE THE VODKA.

10. WE THINK WE ARE IN BED, BUT OUR PILLOW FEELS STRANGELY LIKE THE KITCHEN FLOOR (or the mop?)

11. WE FAIL TO NOTICE THAT THE TOILET LID'S DOWN WHEN WE SIT ON IT.

12. WE TAKE OUR SHOES OFF BECAUSE WE BELIEVE IT'S THEIR FAULT THAT WE'RE HAVING PROBLEMS WALKING STRAIGHT.

My day thus far

Bored at work - a pattern that has become an everyday thing lately. I'm not so sure about this new job. Why do you ask then did I get a new job? Guess I forgot to mention that yesterday - X and I worked together so with the divorce and new life I had to find a new job. And the job I have now is not a bad job by any means; it is relatively easy, laid back, decent hours and friendly work environment. The drawback is that there is a lot of down time! I mean I have been here for 3 hours this morning and have done nothing but answered the phone (which has rang only about 5 times 3 of which were telemarketers), gave directions to some people that came in lost, spoke with Vivi on the phone, oh and I checked my email. Yeah REAL productive....

But I am counting down till 4. Tonight holds the promise of being a fun night! When I get off work I'm going home to let my 10 week old Jack Russell Terror puppy, who we will call Hyper, outside. Then getting ready for a night out. Two of my favorite girls Vixen and Blondie are meeting me at the house and we are loading up the fucus (our term for focus) and heading north to meet up with Vivi. Then we are going to a local hot spot to listen to one of our favorite local bands. Should be fun, perhaps trouble cause the four of us together can always find some trouble/fun to get in. Our motto is: Be good or be good at it.

"A friend is someone who understands your past, believes in your future, and accepts you just the way you are."

~ Unknown ~

The X Factor

"Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end." ~ Seneca

I think I have held back long enough and it has now reached the point where I must explain about how and why I am now starting over in my life. Enter stage right - the X factor.

I met him when I was 17 and a senior in High School. He was a cute green eyed boy that caught my eye and I knew from the moment I saw him that I had to have him plain and simple. We dated thru the remainder of High School and into College. Over the years there were several signs that perhaps he was not the one for me but I ignored those signs and continued down the familiar beaten path. I dated him all the way thru college and I guess we had been dating about 3 years when he proposed. We were then engaged 1 month shy of 3 more years when we got married. The wedding was simple yet beautiful and was what I wanted down to a T. Another sign should have been I spent the entire day with my girls and only a short time with him. But again I will chalk that up to being young, dumb, and blinded by the wedding day sparkles.

A month before the wedding we purchased our first house. Even though we had dated over 6 years we had never lived together and due to my Southern value roots I did not think it was appropriate. Looking back now I could have saved myself a lot of trouble if I'd have lived with him first. So life was changing quickly. We married and moved into the new house and started our lives together. X had always liked to drink but it had always seemed to be a social thing. Another big red warning flag should have been he had never lived on his own. So with the new freedom he seemed to be drinking everyday.

Now I don't want to talk bad about X because he really is a nice guy. I will just state the problem got to be more than I could handle and when I could no longer help him I realized I had to help myself. After an argument I came home and he had moved all his stuff out of the house. If that had never happened we may still be together because I would never have realized that I can make it on my own.

He was gone a week and wanted to come back home. But it was to late; to me he was gone forever. This may sound harsh and at times it has been hard to deal with but I know in my heart it is for the best. X has said he has stopped drinking and wanted to give it a second chance. Which I strongly considered. I mean its hard to throw away 8 years of your life. But he hasn't changed he's still that cute boy I met in High School. The one that at one time I was blinded to his faults but now I see the selfishness in his ways. Maybe one day he will grow up to become a man. But I don't expect that day to come anytime soon.

So the papers were filed and I am now again single and starting over..... So here's to new beginnings.

Ado

As always I was at the point I was ready to bid ado to Mr. Big and say goodbye to the past and move on. That was the resolution that played thru my head as I climbed into bed last night. After not hearing from him for several days I had convinced myself it was time to let go. I lay in bed snuggled down amongst my gazillion pillows, my eyes closed listening to the TV drone softly in the background. Then from my nightstand my cellphone went off informing me I had received a text message. I assumed it was one of my girlfriends as I picked it up and hit read. But no there was his name and the message read, "what r u doing?"

I'll be honest my heart stopped as I replied and waited for a response. Then the next thing I knew I was heading out the door in my pajamas to make the 3 mile drive from my house to his. And yes I did say 3 miles which makes late night rendezvous almost to convenient and hard to say no to. So I arrive at the house he shares with his roommate/bestfriend who we will call Don Juan, and the door is unlocked so I quietly let myself in. All the lights are off in the main room but this isn't my first rodeo and like always I head to his closed bedroom door. I ease it open and he looks up as I come thru the door. He is laying in bed watching Ali, an ultimate guy movie. I sit down on the bed next to him and silently sit there watching the TV unsure of what to do. Usually when we are at this point one or both of us has had a few drinks and it seems it is easier to perhaps go with the flow.

He reaches up for me, wraps his arms around me and pulls me down next to him while quietly saying, "Come here." I lay there - his arm around me, my head on his chest. We lay in silence laughing occasionally at the movie or making small talk about events before us on screen. He knows his facts when it comes to history and sports so I listen and try to participate to the best of my knowledge.

Then the movie is forgotten about as he leans down and kisses the top of my head and asks about my day. I feel as if I am under a love spell. One I need to break free from but lack the strength or desire to do so. I question if I should stay the night or leave when the movie is over. But when he asks me what time I have to get up for work I know the answer to the question.

Like every other time I am with him I lay there in the dark, his arms around me and the still night air filled with his soft snores, I question will this be last time I am here? Over time it has become less exciting and more routine. I'm getting in to deep, I feel myself starting to let emotions become involved. It is time to swim back to shore... but the problem is I'm swimming in circles in the darkness of night with no moon to guide me to shore.

Morning seems to come all to soon, just like always, as first his alarm goes off and then mine. We lay there a few moments neither wanting to move. But it is a new day and I can't be late to work. So I hug him goodbye, give him a quick kiss on the cheek then I am gone to start a new day.


Big: First of all--well, there are so many damn gorgeous women out there in this city-
Carrie: What an amazing observation!
Big: But the thing is this: After awhile you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh. Know what I mean?

Quote

I am a big quote person I guess I should go ahead and say. And I saw this quote today and it really seemed to hit home and I just had to share it....


"I got to thinking about relationships. There are those that open you up to something new and exotic, those that are old and familiar, those that bring up lots of questions, those that bring you somewhere unexpected, those that bring you far from where you started, and those that bring you back. But the most exciting,challenging and significant relationship of all is the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the you you love, well, that’s just fabulous."
-Carrie, Sex and the City

What if....

So here I sit at my desk trying to pass the time away as I wait for the phone to ring and then an envelope pops up from my Outlook Express. I have mail! Now mind you this is my company email so I don't get to excited, but I click the tiny envelope on the bottom right of my screen and up pops this colorful invitation. TIKI TIME ~ you guessed it office get together. Now maybe I should say here that I have been at the new job oh for about 3 weeks now and this is technically my first week as a full time employee. So I don't really know many of my co-workers yet, at least not on a friendly enough basis to want to cookout and drink with them. But hell what better way to get to know them?

The invitation says my name and then those magic words follow it: and Guest. So as I read the invitation I wonder should I take a date? Some of my coworkers know that I am newly divorced so is it to soon to bring a date? I quickly email my girlfriends and they say yes that it would be ok if I take a date. Now who do I take? My mind quickly goes to Mr. Big and the girls once again all send responses saying that yes I should ask him. But I don't admit to them that I am scared to ask him.

All of our time spent together has been alone, in small groups, or in a crowded bar where noone knows we are together. But this would be taking him out in public and perhaps admiting my feelings for him. Feelings that I am still uncertain about. And all of this is based on if when I ask him his answer is yes. But what if he says no? As I am almost certain he would. Can I handle that rejection? Will it change things between us? And if so is that a risk I am ready and willing to take?

Happily-Ever-After....... Yeah Right

I. Blame. Disney. Simple as that! As a young girl we all watched the movies. You know what I'm talking about; the ones where Disney introduces us young, impressionable girls to our first love story romance. And even though the storyline is different the underlying meaning is always the same ~ love conquers all.

There is always a princess and the man that loves her (usually a knight or prince riding in on his white horse). The two fall in love and then because of some reason or another they are separated and he must overcome some obstacle to be with her again. Which because he loves her so much he will do and then of course he will be triumphant and they will live happily-ever-after. The end.

But in real life this is not how the story goes. And let me pause for a moment to notice the use of color here the good guy is always on a white horse. White signifying purity and goodness. The villain will more than likely be on a black horse - the color black representing evil. So here may lie my problem - so far I think I have been going for the the prince on the black horse......

But anyway that is neither here nor there. Back to topic (sorry I can get sidetracked). Disney sets us up to believe that a knight will come save us and that we too will live happily-ever-after. But in real life does it ever happen that way? Are we being set up for failure? Or does this create an unrealistic view of the way things should be causing us to raise our standards to high?

Singledom

Now that I am single I notice that I tend to surround myself with other single friends. I have always had single friends don't get me wrong but things have changed since I have joined their single ranks. Everything is different all the way down to our topics of conversation. Women who I always considered my close friends have now become closer. Knowing all most all of my inner most thoughts. Which can be scary and great all at the same time. I treasure these new friendships and the bonds we have created. We are all in search of the same thing - that one guy who will sweep us off our feet. But in the mean time we are enjoying this journey of singledom together. We are having fun going out for drinks together and talking about the losers that lost us and lucky bastards who will get to meet us. And may god have pity on their souls because we are a group of fairly outspoken women who know what we want, have settled for less in the past, and have vowed we will never do it again.

"Can you get to a future if your past is present?"

Big Continued......

So like all Mr. Big's he was a main part of my past and perhaps helped influence in a way certain aspects of my life. In part because of him I am the person I am today. But what happens when that skeleton falls out of the closet? Can you push it back in and hide it once again behind your rows of clothes?

I think I may be past that point. With Mr. Big it seems there is always that level of comfort there. I know what to expect and not to expect. I know him and at times it seems he knows me better than I know myself. But each moment we spend together seems like a moment stolen from time. Time stops and nothing else matters. We are standing still not moving forward yet not moving backwards.

I am trying to live in the moment and enjoy each one as it comes with no hopes for the future and no reflection on the past. But with to much time on my hands sometimes my mind tends to wander. Together we talk about the future and each time it seems to be implied we will have a future together. But what is it that we have now in the present? A few stolen kisses and empty promises spoken into the night?

So now I am trying to learn how I can move into the future when my past is now the present. Kenny Chesney's 'Better as a memory than as your man' plays in my head and I wonder if those words may be true. Do I want Mr. Big to leave my past and move into my future? Or are some things better left in the past?

Mr. Big

In every girls life there is that one guy. You know the one I'm talking about. That guy from your past that you can't help but still want. You know better but that never seems to stop you. You can't say no.

I sit at the bar drink in hand, and just like in the movies, I look up and our eyes meet - Mr. Big

In an interview Candace Bushnell was asked what does Mr. Big mean to women? Her answer: “Mr. Big makes you feel prettier, sexier, smarter, more exciting than you are on your own. That’s why “they” are so addicting … it’s like you feel you cannot live without him....”.

She is right.... that is the exact feeling I had as my version of Mr. Big walked up to me and embraced me telling me all the things I wanted and needed to hear. And in my stomach I felt it, the butterflies that you get only when he is near. This was not the first time I had seen him. It seemed over the past few months he was everywhere. The grocery store, the gas station, a friends party - the run ends were endless.

And like always when our relationships end badly we go back to each other. Like a warm familiar blanket you pack up in the summer but come winter it is always there for you to wrap up in and keep you warm. It's comfortable, it's familiar and maybe worst of all it's dependable.

Every girl has a Mr. Big in her life. And in the end I may get my heart broke yet again but for right now I think I'll pull that blanket out with hopes it might keep me warm on these cool August nights.