Saturday, January 3, 2009

Is it...... Me?

Sleep has been somewhat of a frienemy to me as of late. I lay awake at night to many thoughts running endlessly thru my head, tossing and turning as I wait for the little blue pill of Simply Sleep to kick in. Until about a year ago I never experienced a problem sleeping or falling asleep for that matter, but like everything else in my life this to has changed. For the past few months I have felt as if sleep were sometimes an escape. The past week this has not been the case, my dreams filled with images and events involving X. Why this sudden change?

While telling of my stories I have not felt the need or inclination to really write about him or his current life. But I guess the update would be that he is now dating someone and has been for the past few months. She is..... well....... not the type of person I would have thought he would ever date. I can say this because I know/knew her ~ after all it is a small town. I hope he is happy, I really do........ ok kinda.......... sorta........ I'm still waiting for karma though I guess to settle up the debt he owes. I wish him no ill will, just wish things were perhaps not so easy for him seeing as he turned my world upside down. After his debt is settled then he can be happy. Is that to much to ask? Ok that makes me sound bitter. Which really I am not. I just believe that what goes around comes around.

I'm straying off the topic. Guys are so predictable to a certain extent. The night I told Big to never call me again, I knew that he would run back to the girl he had recently went on a few dates with. Based on what he had told me I know he thought her to be somewhat crazy, as most girls are. After an argument/episode where she had shown a different side of herself they had called it quits. In our morning talks, he had admitted that she had been calling him relentlessly wanting to 'work things out'. First and foremost Big and I have always been great friends, so to you this conversation may seem weird but for us it was normal. We always talk about anything and everything the only secret we seem to keep is the way we really feel about each other. I asked him if he wanted to give her a second chance, to which he laughed while saying no, "She went a little to psycho." I just shook my head as the topic then changed to something else. After our last night I knew he would decide to give her a second chance (confirmed yesterday). Predictable. The fear of being alone.

This has got me to questioning ~ is it me? Do I really have to high of expectations? I have so many guy friends and often times get to hear more of what guys really think than perhaps I would care to. According to them I am easy to get along with which always makes them blame the guy for the reason the relationship didn't work. Then again they also think no guy is good enough for me. But with my recent failed attempts and then seeing the guys willing to work at it with someone else really leads me to this question. Is it me? Or do I just expect to much?

Either way I'm not lowering my expectations, never settle.

"In a city of great expectations, is it time to settle for what you can get?"
~ Carrie, SATC ~


jwriter said...

I agree never settle, but always evaluate and change when needed. Again a great post, but I do hope you get back to a healthy sleep schedule soon; as I'm somewhat no good without some sleep lol. I've been waking up at 4:00 am and unable to go back to sleep these last couple of days. Some people in the church say that if God wakes you up there must be someone that needs your prayers and so I pray, then after I pray I just think and think until finally I go back to sleep or I watch Family Guy on my Ipod. But I say all this to say why do I have so much on my mind at 4:00 am and why is it mostly about an ex or 4 of them, relationships, or cheeseburgers? lol.

E said...

Jwriter thank you so much for your insightful comments! And your right perhaps I have been waking up for some reason and have started your prayer method. :)