Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Just Say No

I had never been addicted to anything. Well except maybe Dr. Pepper. But him. Yes I was addicted. Every fiber in my body screamed out longing for his touch, his embrace. But my mind... my mind said to stay away. It's a battle, one that no matter what I do some part of me is losing. As my phone went off part of me screamed just say no, but the other part could hear Vivi's voice telling me you only live once. Snow was predicted and the boys, being bored and feeling adventurous, had piled in the Jeep and were bout to hit the dirt roads that wind up in the mountains. The message was an invitation to join them. The later part won out and in less than half a second I had accepted the invitation and was told they were on the way to get me. Frantically I exchanged my pajamas for jeans and sweatshirt also pulling on my thick jacket and wrapping a scarf around my neck as I headed for the door.

I stepped out into the bright moonlight feeling the excitement in the air. Wedged in the back of Lil Bro's Jeep were Don Juan and GuyFriend, Big was in the passenger seat and Lil Bro was behind the wheel. Big climbed out and pulled the seat forward so I could climb in the back seat but a quick glance confirmed there was no way I would be able to fit back there with the good sized guys grinning back at me. With a sigh I climbed into the front and positioned myself half on the console half on Big's lap ~ wedged firmly between Lil Bro and Big. I know this was not the safest place for me to sit but going 10 miles an hour up a dirt road I decided it would be ok this once.

We made our way slowly up the mountain all of us singing along with the radio at the top of our lungs. I couldn't help but laugh at the 5 of us. The happiness in the air was contagious, all of us smiling. I love hanging with the guys. Half way up the mountain we stopped at an overlook. We all piled out into the cold night air marveling at the beauty around us, the mountain peaks visible in the moonlight. I shivered despite my layers, my teeth chattering. Big came up behind me opening his jacket pulling me against him and into the open jacket which he then wrapped around me. I started to warm up ignoring the danger sirens going off in my head. After a few moments the cold finally got the better us and we piled back into the Jeep cranking the heat up. Big wrapped his arms around me trying to help me warm up as my teeth continued to chatter. The chattering eventually ceased yet his arms remained wrapped tightly around me. Eric Clapton's Wonderful Tonight comes on the radio and it is turned up, all of us once again singing. Big leans over to kiss me on the cheek.

As we continue up the mountain the snow starts to fall, beautiful tiny flakes floating down from the sky. The ground is slightly dusted making the dark forest surrounding us appear clean and untarnished. The further we go the thicker the snow on the ground gets, as a precaution the Jeep is put in 4-wheel drive and we continue. No specific destination in mind just riding and enjoying the beautiful night and the great company. Lil Bro and I participate in conversation and I thank him for letting me tag along. "Don't thank me, thank Big. I always want to invite you." I turn to Big to say thanks but before I can he says with a smile, "I knew this would be something you would love." He was right I had never been up the mountain in the snow, the snow adding a magical timeless feeling to the air. I was glad I had decided to come.

As I smiled at him he leaned over and kissed me. I pulled back. I had meant it before when I said just friends. But when it comes to Big it seems I still have not learned how to say no. I'm addicted. "Just kiss me," He whispers squeezing me with the one arm he has around me and turning my face slowly toward his with the other hand. I hesitate. Every fiber in my body wants to kiss him. But I know better. But like an addict I am in desperate need of a hit. He pulls my face closer I lightly kiss him then quickly pull back. Like a flame knowing if I touch him to long I will get burned. He chuckles to himself as I am sure he is aware even in the dim light of my cheeks flushing. He knows I'm not much for public affection. At one point in the ride during other conversations where no one but him understands what I'm saying he says, "I speak E." Everyone laughs including me as I realize he does know me way to well.

We have been riding in the mountains for several hours at this point, reluctantly Lil Bro turns the Jeep around and we head back for home. In the warmth and comfort of Big's arms sleep quickly washes over me. As if in a haze I can hear their voices around me but the darkness is to thick and warm to break out of. It felt like only minutes but in reality I knew it was several hours later Big gently shakes me awake as he climbs out of the Jeep trying to balance himself as well as me. He sits my feet on the ground and I realize we are not at my house..... "I thought you might want to stay the night...." he trails off. I'm cold and know I need to go home despite the late (or early hour). But I don't feel like participating in that battle so grudgingly I allow him to pull me by the hand toward the house.

I grab one of his t-shirts and quickly slide it on and climb into bed. This morning the alarm went off all to soon as it always tends to do on nights I stay with him. I had been sleeping so good. For some reason I always tend to sleep better when I'm with him. I've always been one of those sleepers that don't want a guy to touch me while I'm sleeping. I want my space. I have my side of the bed. You have yours. But for some reason its always been different with Big. We seem to sleep as one, rolling when the other does. As I pull myself out of the deep sleep I feel an intense burning in my throat. It feels like it is on fire! Great I think to myself as I try to speak to wake Big up and hear the raspy voice that comes out. Ugh. "My throat hurts!" I whine. He reaches to pull me close to him as he tries to wake up. He goes to speak and stops, "ugh mine to." I lay there a moment then head to the kitchen hoping a class of water will help. As I take a sip if feels like I am swallowing sand as the water hurts going down. Damn cool night air! My body aches, my head throbs and I decided I am in need of a day off. I have not taken a sick day in over 6 months and I had worked Monday on my day off but still I felt slightly guilty as I called in sick. After hanging up the phone I crawled back into bed telling Big I wasn't going into work. He pulled me close wrapping the covers tightly around me and I quickly fell back to sleep.

How to break the addiction? I know it starts with not hanging out with him. But that is so hard to do because hanging out with him always guarantees a fun time. I enjoying his company and I enjoy the laughter it brings with it. I will try to adhere to my better judgement in the future but they say never regret anything that made you happy. This month I think I can chalk my carefree tendencies up to the one year anniversary of the loss of a friend. She was killed in a car wreck. She was to young to be called to heaven just yet. In honor of her I feel like I need to live life to fullest as she always did. Perhaps that's why I went. Either way I need to break the addiction. Cause when you are doing something you don't even want to tell your friends about, I'd say its time you admit you have a problem. Is there A Big Anonymous?

"I did know this – every second I spent with her was only going to add to the pain I would have to suffer later. Like a junkie with a limited supply, the day of reckoning was coming for me. The more hits I took now, the harder it would be when my supply ran out."
~ Jacob Black, Breaking Dawn ~


jwriter said...

If you find a group for people getting over the one person they're addicted to sign me up. My blog has been invaded by this person. My mind and my body are against me, my heart has dropped out the race. I can't help it and i can't stop thinking about her. I know she may not be good for me...hell she told me she only wants to be my friend, but I still dream about her, I still blog about her, man addiction is a *^*&% lol.

I'm sorry for the loss of your friend...

We should enjoy life, but protect your heart. Shoot I need to follow my own advice.

I'm glad I found your blog. Great post.

phoebe said...

how nice does that sound... sometimes you just have to go with it. there obviously is some kind of connection that you two have.