You've Got To Be Kidding Me

Apparently there is a tattoo somewhere on my forehead that only guys can see. I think it says Sucker..... or something along those lines. Anyone know how I can get that off???


Last night I was working at Sports Bar and my phone goes off. It was Cute Smile Guy calling but I was to hectic to answer. A minute later I get a text asking what I'm doing. Way to busy to reply anything lengthily I send back a quick "I'm at Sports Bar". About thirty minutes later he and his friend show up. I smile slightly surprised and pause for a moment to talk with him. He asked if I wanted to get a drink when I got off work. I accepted the offer and told him I'd call him.

Fast forward.....

When I get off work I call him and he tells me he is at another bar down the street. A girl friend that works with me at Sports Bar, and I head over to meet up with him and his friend. Upon arrival of course I have to make the rounds saying hi to everyone, and then finally make my way to his table. We talk for a minute then Girl Friend pulls me away in conversation with someone else. As I turn back to Cute Smile Guy he motions to an empty stool beside him. I sit down and we talk a moment, then he says "I need to be honest with you." Not sure where this is going, "Ok....." He then proceeds to tell me he has a girlfriend. Yes you heard me right. He tells me its over, they both know its over but that due to a lease that has not yet run out the situation is a little complicated.


Go freaking figure. At this point I really don't know what to say. But that's ok the part of me that doesn't think before the words come flowing out apparently knows exactly what to say, "So if you have a girlfriend why did you call? Why did you ask me to hang out?"


He proceeds to tell me he was attracted to me and thought I was a nice a girl and wanted to get to know me. Then he basically chalked us meeting up as bad timing. I tell him I appreciate his honesty. Meanwhile having the internal debate if it was a good thing he was honest.... I mean he's from out of town if he hadn't told me the chances of me finding out really weren't that high. Or was he a scumbag for calling in the first place? "When I'm single can I call you?" He asks. The debate still going on in my head I'm not sure what to say. "Maybe," that's the best I could do thinking that if he called then I would decide if I would answer or not. He apologizes profusely. I tell him I'm not mad. We talk a minute longer and then I do what any wise girl would do; I ran like hell!


I'm about to leave when a ghost from the past comes up behind me and wraps me in a bear hug. I turn to see a familiar face that I have not seen in well over a year. Growing up he was always my bodyguard, that great guy friend that always made sure I was taken care of. And probably one of the reasons I didn't date much in High School, now that I come to think about it. Anyway he was my friend first but once X and I started dating I kinda forced BG and X to be friends. Which they did. After X and I split BG was one of the ones I lost touch with. So he was a great sight for sore eyes. I tell him I'm leaving which he quickly dismisses as he hands me the beer he has already ordered for me. We sit and talk, catching up and laughing about old times. He tells me his girlfriend is out on a girls night so he came out with some of his guy friends. I'm thrilled to hear him and his girlfriend are doing well because I always thought they were well suited and besides myself she is probably the only girl on earth that could put up with him!!

I stayed longer than I intended and a quick glance at the clock told me it was past time to head home. BG walked me to car, I thank him for the drink, and with a hug I was gone. During the drive home I think about the night and how much of a disappointment Cute Smile Guy had been. Oh well strike one.

Once home I'm in bed and nearly asleep when my phone goes off. It's a text from BG, "you really make me think about what I want in life I have been after you for at least eight years sometimes I feel like we are destined for one another but I don't want it to be as simple as 'thanx for the drink' I feel like we have something more....." (It goes on but you get the gist). I stare at the display in shock. I never knew he had feelings for me. I thought we were just friends. I mean that's all we've ever been. Looking back I can see the times when he may have insinuated wanting more but at the time I never realized it.

Me: "I don't know what to say....."
BG: "Me either I have a good thing goin but I feel like it could be better with you."

I still don't know what to say. Growing up I always had tons of guy friends and they were just that, guy friends. Or at least that is what I thought. But within the past 6 months now 3 of the them have admitted to having feelings for me at one point or another. What gives? And why the hell is it that apparently every guy that has a girlfriend is now attracted to me???? I'm not that kinda girl. But really Cute Smile Guy and BG both admitting feelings for me in one night both having girlfriends. I did the right thing and walked away, but I can't help but wander if this is some test to my karma or something. Can't I just find a nice, cute, single guy?? There are still some of those out there, right??

"The misery! The exquisite tragedy! The Susan Hayward of it all!"

~ George, My Best Friend's Wedding ~

The Crackberry

I have always been a "tech" savy gal. But the love for my Sony w810i has kept me from updating and joining the modern cell phone world. I should mention I worked in the cell phone industry for 8 years so I know my phones! Also lack of funds have kept me from updating. But thanks to my great connections I now have joined the darkside and am typing this from my new blackberry. I refused to join the crackberry forces for some time now but must admit pretty neat thus far.I warn you this convience may lead to future drunken posts.... Consider yourself warned!! Lol

Lemon Law

Why is it human nature to want what we can't have? Or better yet why is it that we get what we don't want? Or many want is a strong word.... perhaps need would be more appropriate. Why is it we get what we don't need?

As I've said before I live in a rather small town. One in which everyone knows everyone, or so it seems at times. So what do you do when you live in a small town and someone asks you out that you really don't want to go out with? I mean I know these guys (yes this is plural), we've grown up together. They're nice.... just I don't know.... not really my type. For the past few weeks I have had two guys asking me out. They are both nice guys.... the problem is they are in the friend box. Meaning I just don't look at them in that way. I see them as just that - friends.

But if I turn them down will it mean every time I see them out (which I will) it will be weird and not as it is now? Or do I go on a date with them and then everytime I see them after that avoid them cause I really don't want to go out again??? I mean if this were a big city I'd say what the hell and go because chances of seeing them would not be as high. But one I see nearly once a week as it is. I'm way to nice and don't like to hurt people's feelings. So far (luckily) I always have plans for when they ask me out. But what happens when the day comes I don't already have plans?

I think my new rule needs to be ~ only date people from out of town!!!

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I'm thankful to be asked out (I guess). It's just I really don't want to hurt either of their feelings!! And why is it then the guys you don't really want to call do and the ones you want to call don't? Take Cute Smile Guy (the stranger I gave my number to) yeah he called!! He left a message. Taking Vixen's advice I decided to wait and call back the next day, she said if I called back right away I'd look desperate. So I call back.... leave message.... never hear back. Damn dating games! Maybe I can envoke the "Lemon Law"...... hmmm......

"You know what the dating world needs? A "Lemon Law.""

~ Barney, How I Met Your Mother ~

[ The Lemon law for dating was created by Barney when he realized that the world of dating needed a way to easily exit a date that clearly would not go well. The lemon law must be engaged within the first five minutes of the date by informing the other partner that they have been "lemon lawed" or "I'm going to have to lemon law you". The person being lemon lawed understands that there is no hard feelings and their participation is appreciated. ]

(taken from Wikipedia)

Girl's Night

Let me start off by saying it's great to have a cosmetologist for a best friend! Saturday night as we get ready to go out Blondie takes over and with a few sweeps of her magic makeup brush and some swipes with a straightener I am transformed into a sleek, single goddess. For the Girls Night Out it was Blondie, Vivi, and myself and with Vixen MIA this weekend Alice was thrilled to take her ticket. We arrived at the club, the line to get in was backed up down the sidewalk, people huddled close together trying to stay warm from the cold night air. Looking at the line and the people waiting to get in I was thrilled we would not be joining it. As we walked past the line and straight to the door Blondie gave the guy her name, quick scan at the list, and we were in. So far, so good! The night is still a little early but the place is already swarming with people. We are served drinks and we wander around checking out the place ~ within the club there are 5 bars, each strategically placed so that it is always convenient to order a drink.

Vodka/Redbull in hand I follow my girls out on the dance floor. The night passes quickly and the drinks go down way to easy. The celeb of the night arrived and we had a chance to meet her briefly. An interesting point in the night but far from the highlight....

At one point in the night Blondie spots this guy with a huge Afro, laughing she says we have to get a picture with him. Not being the one afraid to talk to anyone she beelines towards him and his friends where after some conversation Blondie, Vivi, and I posed with him for a quick pic.

Mingling I spoke with a lot of different people, one guy in particular was relentless actually seeming interested and asking questions. At first glance he didn't seem my type (his friend sure did though! ( So @ 24 this made me think of your posts and if this is what you go thru I'm sorry!!!) but heck thus far my type has not been so nice to me. So in my stupor (this was several drinks later) I participate to the best of my ability in conversation. Vivi and Blondie said I had the beer goggles on. Alice said he was cute. When in doubt take a pic so you can decide later! Which is what I did. And since his worthiness was up for debate when asked for my number I went ahead and gave my real number (when in doubt I give Vixen's..... she used to do this to me all the time and now its time for paybacks on my part!). After reviewing the pictures I think the guy is not as bad as Vivi and Blondie made it out to be. But we all have our own tastes so to each their own.

Overall it was a fun night! And due to sleep deprivation this post is probably not as entertaining as it should be! Hyper did not understand though this morning at the crack of dawn when I tried to explain patiently to her I required more sleep. Head spinning I peak open an eye to find her sitting on my chest a toy in her mouth. Still feeling slightly intoxicated I try to coax her back to sleep. She won't have it demanding to go outside. 30 minutes later I crawl back in bed and turn on the TV. Hyper sits in the middle of the bed watching as FRIENDS comes on the screen. Yes she likes to watch TV. As the episode comes on she lays down and is soon back to sleep. I on the other hand cannot drift back off. Ahh the joys of having a puppy!

"If you are single there is always one thing you should take out with you on a Saturday night... your friends."

~ Carrie, SATC ~

VIP

This morning I get a text from Blondie, "Call ASAP!!!" Afraid something is wrong I drop everything I'm doing and quickly hit speed dial. She answers on the first ring, the excitement obvious in her voice.

Blondie, "What are you doing Saturday?"
Me, "Working....."
Blondie, "Well you gotta call in sick!"

She rambles on saying that on her way to school she heard a thing on the radio asking callers to call in to win a girls night out. Blondie called in and the radio station asked her to tell them why her and her girls needed a girls night out. She told them how she has just started back to school, how I am newly divorced, how Vixen and her fiance just split, and how Vivi has just gotten a promotion. She said that we are all so busy and so broke that we hardly ever have a chance to go out together.............. and she won!!

So Saturday the four of us are going out VIP style! A hot club and apparently several celebrities will also be joining us in the VIP section. Yeah I so should have bought those black heels......

What Goes Through Your Mind?

This is to funny not to share! And you know it's kinda-sorta-true (Click the image to see a larger pic)!

What goes through your mind when someone says "Lets go for a drink?"‏

Why, Why, Why

The past couple weeks X has been contacting me. It started off innocently enough with him requesting a copy of our last years tax's. But it didn't stop there. I mean really does it ever? He started sending me messages daily. Every morning telling me good morning and telling me he hopes I have a good day. Sometimes pointless trivial conversation. But sometimes the conversations turn to the coulda, shoulda's and I wish this or I wish that. He tells me he misses me, misses us. This is like a sucker punch to the stomach that sends me falling helplessly to my knees. "I still love you" comes across as another punch; one I see coming but still dazed from the last blow I can't seem to get out of the way. Then I, always glutton for punishment, asked him if he was over me.... his reply, "Honestly no, and I don't know what to do. I'm trying to move on but it feels like there is something I'm leaving unfinished. Like when you try to go on a trip but feel like you are forgetting something. If I was ready to move on with my life I don't think I would feel that way. It's just so confusing."

I feel myself falling to the ground, buckled over in pain from the blows, tears flowing freely. How can he say this? He's the one that has moved on.. the one that is already in a relationship with somebody else. I mean I've tested the waters. I've hung out with guys and went on dates, which I'm free to do. But I'm not in a relationship. And I'm not the one in a relationship telling him that I still love him. WTF?

I feel the anger stirring inside as I start to pull myself up off the ground. With a swift back hand motion I wipe the tears from my face. The heat of anger radiating off my face.

So let me get this straight... you love me? Yes. You miss me? Yes. But you don't want to be with me? You don't want to try and work things out? ~ Yeah makes whole hell-lot-of sense to me!

He tells me he doesn't feel certain either way... furrowing of brow..... well doesn't that mean you take time to yourself and figure it out? Of course not. That would make to much sense. Sense the sarcasm?

I want to know what the secret is for moving on? Someone must know! I sure as hell don't. Every time I try it seems I take two steps forward and three steps back. I'm doing good and then he contacts me (which he always does first). I just don't understand the reason why. I mean whats the point? He's moving on. He's dating someone else. Why tell me this? Why make me cry? He's happy why can't he let me try to move on and be happy? Instead it's like he keeps knocking my feet out from under me. Why won't he just let me let go? why? Why? WHY?

Let me let go, baby
Let me let go
If this is for the best
Why are you still in my heart
Are you still in my soul
Let me let go

I talked to you the other day
Looks like you make your escape
You put us behind, no matter how I try
I can't do the same

Let me let go, baby
Let me let go
It just isn't right
I've been two thousand miles
Down a dead-end road

~ Faith Hill, Let Me Let Go ~

Walking in Heels

After an emotional weekend the girls (Vivi, Vixen, Blondie, Giggles) and myself decided we were in desperate need of a laugh and some mind-numbing entertainment. Bride Wars was the perfect escape! Definitely a must see with your girlfriends!

After the movie we decided to do a little shopping..... well they did shopping. I window shopped ~ something at which I have become a pro at. It sucks being broke and having to be a responsible adult! A transition that I am still trying to figure out.

Anyway back to shopping.

I'm having remorse..... usually you buy something and then have buyers remorse questioning if you should have bought the item or not. I on the other hand have remorse for not buying an item. Lately shoes have become my weakness (in the past it has always been purses). And not just any shoes, high heels.... which is so not me.

I want to be a high heel girl really I do, but lets face it I have always been a jean-tshirt-tennis-shoes kinda girl. Perhaps never feeling the need to empress; Or maybe the fact that I'm just a plain klutz has always led me to avoid heels. I mean I am the same girl that merely months ago did a swan dive when tripping over my own heels. In my current single status though I find myself being drawn to heels like a moth to a flame. Something about them just screams sexy!! {And I have become better at walking in them. :) }

So now I find myself trying to convert to a jeans and heels type of girl. I'm sorry I tend to drift back to shopping. My attention is quickly drawn to a black pair of Steve Madden's. I look and take it as a sign that they are in my size and there is only one pair. I quickly shed my tennis shoes and slide into the black heels. Perfect fit! I admire the view from this new height, I'm rather short so these give me quite a boast. I mean what is it about a great pair of heels that just make you feel more attractive? More confident? More "I can take on the world"? It's like magic.

I really want to take them home, but I think of all the bills I have so reluctantly I slip out of them and place them back on the shelf. This draws me to the conclusion that being an adult sucks! lol I mean wouldn't it be great if there was no such things as bills??!!

When I arrived home I saw the scratch off lottery tickets I received at Christmas sitting on my dresser. I haven't scratched them off yet. I was waiting for a day that I felt lucky. What the hell, I think as I grab a coin and start scratching. Out of 4 tickets I won 30 bucks and 2 free tickets!! Yahoo...... maybe I will go back and buy the heels..... did I mention they were on sale? Aahhh but alas I know it would be smarter to put the money towards other things; gas, food, rotating of tires on the 4runner. Yeah I miss being a carefree kid at times...... Maybe one of my 2 free tickets will strike it big, if so I will go on a shoe shopping spree ~ well after I pay off all my debt!

“If you haven't got it. Fake it! Too short? Wear big high heels, but do practice walking!"

~ Victoria Beckham ~

All To Soon

Sometimes people leave our lives all to soon. It's a cold hard fact. Sometimes they leave by choice. Sometimes it happens slowly overtime. And sometimes it's not up to us at all. Sometimes friends are taken from us, called to soon to the gates of heaven. A year ago I got the call........

It was late. I was already asleep. X had fallen asleep on the couch and I was awoken to his cell phone going off in the other room. I ignored it. I was snuggled warmly in the bed. As soon as the phone stopped ringing the home phone started ringing. Groggily I looked at the clock it was well after midnight. The caller id showed who it was and I assumed the late night call was because he was needing a DD. In my still half asleep state I reached for the phone. "Hello......." At the first words I was instantly awake and screaming for X. He appeared by the bedside worry evident on his face from my sudden outburst. As tears streamed down my face, unable to talk I handed him the phone. Fully awake now I had one thing on my mind as I rushed to my closet and threw on the first clothes I could get my hands on. Not carrying if I matched, hell I didn't even care if they were clean or dirty.

From the other room I heard the beep as X hung up the phone. It immediately rang again. In a small town news travels fast. As I sit here reliving that night all the emotions come back and I fight to hold the tears from spilling over.

A deer had jumped out in the road she had swerved to miss it, the front tire of the car going off the road. To avoid the ditch and the bank she had jerked the wheel, a natural reaction. The car flipped and went over the bank. As the driver she was ok. The two passengers were not. All three friends of mine, all to young to be called to heaven.

The driver was life lighted. I wanted to go to the hospital. I had to be there for her. I was told not to come. A decision that at the time was backed up by sound reasoning, but one I regret to this day. I should have went. I sat up all night fielding phone calls and questions. Waiting on the call that would tell me that this wreck would not claim the lives of all three friends. I mourned for the two already called home and prayed for the third to be allowed to stay a little longer.

A year later and the memories are still fresh. I remember her advice, her fun stories, the way she took care of me at a party when I had had to much to drink, and the way she always made anyone that was around her happy.

Tonight my friends I will gather to remember these two friends that left us all to soon. To be thankful for the times we had with them. But still the questions will go unspoken: "Why them?", "Why did it happen?", and the question that I know will cross one of my best friends mind "Why was I allowed to live and not them?" That is the hardest one of all. We are coming together to let her know we love her and we need her. I can only imagine what she is going thru.

(names have been left out of this post intentionally. God works in mysterious ways. Ways in which we may never understand. May they rest in peace.)

Delurking Week

As a fairly new blogger I had never heard of the term delurking, so as I read Working Girl I was a little surprised and intrigued. Delurking is the week that bloggers ask those who read their blogs but never comment (lurking) to throw caution to the wind and comment! So if you like my blog, hate my blog, or are maybe even just a little bit entertained by my blog let me know!! Feel free to ask questions or just tell me what you think. I promise I won't be offended :)

While at it I feel like I need to shout out to Phoebe, Jwriter & Cayman's Girl (who I miss and hope is settling in well) ~ I always enjoy reading your comments and sometimes I add my own comments back.... not sure if y'all can see this or not though so I wanted to thank you for everything ~ y'all are great blogger friends!

Also check out the new additions to my sidebar ~ I updated the top part, added a new about me page and made sure the Who's Who is updated.

Leave comments!!!...... please :)

Lets Talk About........ Coloring!! *wink, wink*

First and foremost if you are not familiar with the term "coloring" please watch the below video.

So normally I am very shy and refrain from this type of conversations (at least in blogging) but after reading So@24 's post, The Pep Talk, I'm feeling a little brave. In that I will allow you for a moment to enter the mind and conversations that us girls tend to have from time to time.

One night when gathered with my girl friends the topic turned to coloring. One friend (names will be left out) whispers to me that she has only slept with one person, her now fiance.... As she says this several thoughts run quickly thru my head:

• Wow that's great! I wish I could say that


• Wait but that would mean my first..... oh no, no, no


• Then that mean's I'd never have colored with........ and that was so worth it!

Then she continues, "It's just I really don't want to color that often. I just don't really care."

"Then your not doing it right," I reply jokingly (well halfway) we giggle and quickly hush as others start to notice our private conversation. For the time being our interaction was over but my mind had yet to drift.

With the wrong partner coloring..... can be well.... be just coloring; a habit, routine, just something you do with your significant other when in reality you could think of a million other things to be doing. As a girl you want to be intimate with your guy so you enjoy it in that aspect.... but well it's just not that important to you. ~~~~ Then the right guy comes along and *bam* you realize what it is you've missing!!

Come on I'm not crazy, I know you know what I'm talking about. Not to say I'm an expert. My number is fairly low. But I've been where she is. And I guess I'm sad for her in away. Living without knowing how great coloring can be. She may never know what she is missing..... yet she also doesn't realize there is something to miss. Maybe ignorance is bliss. I'm not saying she needs to find a new guy to do that..... I need to hush before I just go ahead and choke on my foot......

"When Big colors... he rarely stays within the lines."

~ Carrie, SATC ~

Just Say No

I had never been addicted to anything. Well except maybe Dr. Pepper. But him. Yes I was addicted. Every fiber in my body screamed out longing for his touch, his embrace. But my mind... my mind said to stay away. It's a battle, one that no matter what I do some part of me is losing. As my phone went off part of me screamed just say no, but the other part could hear Vivi's voice telling me you only live once. Snow was predicted and the boys, being bored and feeling adventurous, had piled in the Jeep and were bout to hit the dirt roads that wind up in the mountains. The message was an invitation to join them. The later part won out and in less than half a second I had accepted the invitation and was told they were on the way to get me. Frantically I exchanged my pajamas for jeans and sweatshirt also pulling on my thick jacket and wrapping a scarf around my neck as I headed for the door.

I stepped out into the bright moonlight feeling the excitement in the air. Wedged in the back of Lil Bro's Jeep were Don Juan and GuyFriend, Big was in the passenger seat and Lil Bro was behind the wheel. Big climbed out and pulled the seat forward so I could climb in the back seat but a quick glance confirmed there was no way I would be able to fit back there with the good sized guys grinning back at me. With a sigh I climbed into the front and positioned myself half on the console half on Big's lap ~ wedged firmly between Lil Bro and Big. I know this was not the safest place for me to sit but going 10 miles an hour up a dirt road I decided it would be ok this once.

We made our way slowly up the mountain all of us singing along with the radio at the top of our lungs. I couldn't help but laugh at the 5 of us. The happiness in the air was contagious, all of us smiling. I love hanging with the guys. Half way up the mountain we stopped at an overlook. We all piled out into the cold night air marveling at the beauty around us, the mountain peaks visible in the moonlight. I shivered despite my layers, my teeth chattering. Big came up behind me opening his jacket pulling me against him and into the open jacket which he then wrapped around me. I started to warm up ignoring the danger sirens going off in my head. After a few moments the cold finally got the better us and we piled back into the Jeep cranking the heat up. Big wrapped his arms around me trying to help me warm up as my teeth continued to chatter. The chattering eventually ceased yet his arms remained wrapped tightly around me. Eric Clapton's Wonderful Tonight comes on the radio and it is turned up, all of us once again singing. Big leans over to kiss me on the cheek.




As we continue up the mountain the snow starts to fall, beautiful tiny flakes floating down from the sky. The ground is slightly dusted making the dark forest surrounding us appear clean and untarnished. The further we go the thicker the snow on the ground gets, as a precaution the Jeep is put in 4-wheel drive and we continue. No specific destination in mind just riding and enjoying the beautiful night and the great company. Lil Bro and I participate in conversation and I thank him for letting me tag along. "Don't thank me, thank Big. I always want to invite you." I turn to Big to say thanks but before I can he says with a smile, "I knew this would be something you would love." He was right I had never been up the mountain in the snow, the snow adding a magical timeless feeling to the air. I was glad I had decided to come.


As I smiled at him he leaned over and kissed me. I pulled back. I had meant it before when I said just friends. But when it comes to Big it seems I still have not learned how to say no. I'm addicted. "Just kiss me," He whispers squeezing me with the one arm he has around me and turning my face slowly toward his with the other hand. I hesitate. Every fiber in my body wants to kiss him. But I know better. But like an addict I am in desperate need of a hit. He pulls my face closer I lightly kiss him then quickly pull back. Like a flame knowing if I touch him to long I will get burned. He chuckles to himself as I am sure he is aware even in the dim light of my cheeks flushing. He knows I'm not much for public affection. At one point in the ride during other conversations where no one but him understands what I'm saying he says, "I speak E." Everyone laughs including me as I realize he does know me way to well.


We have been riding in the mountains for several hours at this point, reluctantly Lil Bro turns the Jeep around and we head back for home. In the warmth and comfort of Big's arms sleep quickly washes over me. As if in a haze I can hear their voices around me but the darkness is to thick and warm to break out of. It felt like only minutes but in reality I knew it was several hours later Big gently shakes me awake as he climbs out of the Jeep trying to balance himself as well as me. He sits my feet on the ground and I realize we are not at my house..... "I thought you might want to stay the night...." he trails off. I'm cold and know I need to go home despite the late (or early hour). But I don't feel like participating in that battle so grudgingly I allow him to pull me by the hand toward the house.


I grab one of his t-shirts and quickly slide it on and climb into bed. This morning the alarm went off all to soon as it always tends to do on nights I stay with him. I had been sleeping so good. For some reason I always tend to sleep better when I'm with him. I've always been one of those sleepers that don't want a guy to touch me while I'm sleeping. I want my space. I have my side of the bed. You have yours. But for some reason its always been different with Big. We seem to sleep as one, rolling when the other does. As I pull myself out of the deep sleep I feel an intense burning in my throat. It feels like it is on fire! Great I think to myself as I try to speak to wake Big up and hear the raspy voice that comes out. Ugh. "My throat hurts!" I whine. He reaches to pull me close to him as he tries to wake up. He goes to speak and stops, "ugh mine to." I lay there a moment then head to the kitchen hoping a class of water will help. As I take a sip if feels like I am swallowing sand as the water hurts going down. Damn cool night air! My body aches, my head throbs and I decided I am in need of a day off. I have not taken a sick day in over 6 months and I had worked Monday on my day off but still I felt slightly guilty as I called in sick. After hanging up the phone I crawled back into bed telling Big I wasn't going into work. He pulled me close wrapping the covers tightly around me and I quickly fell back to sleep.


How to break the addiction? I know it starts with not hanging out with him. But that is so hard to do because hanging out with him always guarantees a fun time. I enjoying his company and I enjoy the laughter it brings with it. I will try to adhere to my better judgement in the future but they say never regret anything that made you happy. This month I think I can chalk my carefree tendencies up to the one year anniversary of the loss of a friend. She was killed in a car wreck. She was to young to be called to heaven just yet. In honor of her I feel like I need to live life to fullest as she always did. Perhaps that's why I went. Either way I need to break the addiction. Cause when you are doing something you don't even want to tell your friends about, I'd say its time you admit you have a problem. Is there A Big Anonymous?

"I did know this – every second I spent with her was only going to add to the pain I would have to suffer later. Like a junkie with a limited supply, the day of reckoning was coming for me. The more hits I took now, the harder it would be when my supply ran out."

~ Jacob Black, Breaking Dawn ~

Brave New Girl ~ Chapter 6: Flirting With Strangers

I expected last night to be a calm evening. Which it sorta was. It was going to be a simple night of hanging out at Punk-Rock-Chick's apartment and playing cards. Or so I thought.......

I was the first to arrive and seemed like we had some time to kill so Punk-Rock-Chick suggested we have a drink while we wait. We head for the local hotspot where we meet up with the same girlfriend from the previous night (guess I should give her a name..... lets see........I'll keep it simple ~ Alice). As I walk thru the door I notice 2 cute guys sitting at the bar, they look up at us new arrivals with interest. We take a seat at an empty table and place our orders. Still trying to acquire a taste for it I order a beer. When in reality I would have loved a Rum Runner! But $2 Vs. $6.50...... yeah beer it is! lol Hey I admit I'm pretty broke, like most people now, and trying to have fun on a budget.

Our drinks arrive and seeing as I am the only single one at the table it is quickly decided by Punk-Rock-Chick and Alice that I should go talk to the 2 cute guys. Let me explain I am not the type of girl to normally approach guys. I mean I understand sometimes a girl has to help get the ball rolling, but yeah I'm a little more old fashioned in I'd rather let the guy make the first move. Ok I'm shy. At times. As I slowly sip my beer I eye the guy on the left.... he has a cute smile. That is what I always notice first about the opposite sex, their smile. They are obviously out-of-towners so really what do I have to lose? So I form a plan. I watch the bartender make his way down to the other end of the bar. Before I can change my mind and chicken out I turn my beer up finishing what little was left. I sit the empty bottle down on the table, give my girls a smile, and slide quickly out of my seat.

I approach the bar and the empty chair to the left of the guy with the cute smile. Gracefully I ease onto the chair angling my body so I am facing right, my eyes on the bartender (who has his back to me) making it obvious I have approached the bar to order another drink. Cute smile guy has turned to me watching as I appear to wait. My eyes shift to him and I match his smile with one of my own. "Hi," the word roles simply off his tongue. The plan, as simple as it was, has worked. "Hi," I reply and easy as that the conversation ball has been set into motion. He asks my name and tells me his. He then asks what I'm drinking, I rattle off the name of my beer of the night. As the bartender approaches cute smile guy orders me a beer. I graciously thank him as I accept the beer. After a few more minutes of conversation I excuse myself, thanking him again, and return to my girls. They of course are all smiles.

Punk-Rock-Chick's BF arrives along with other friends, a mixture of guys and girls, and the 3 of us are quickly surrounded. Before long Punk-Rock-Chick is saying it is time to go. Cute smile guy is watching me ~ as I draw near I pause to thank him again for the beer, throw in a nice to meet you, and with a smile say good bye.

Alice and I make our way to her car (it's just me and her now). It may not seem like a big deal but after being in a relationship for nearly 8 years the idea of a stranger buying me a drink is a small gesture but big deal to me. I can count on one hand the amount of drinks I have received from strangers. Because since turning 21 I have always been with X. So I'm happy at this simple step forward ~ flirting with a stranger.

As we approach the car I tell Alice that I wish he would have asked for my number.

Alice, "Go back and give it to him."

Me, shaking head and laughing, "No I can't do that."

Alice, "You ought to go and invite them to come hang out with us!"

My eyes go wide thinking there is no way I'd have the courage to do that, "What?"
Alice sends a quick text to Punk-Rock-Chick asking if I can invite the cute guys over. Punk-Rock-Chick's reply: YES!!!!!!!

Alice, grinning from ear to ear, "Go do it!"

There are still people inside I know who I have already told bye to and honestly I really don't want to reenter the bar and embarrass myself. I mean...... really...... I'm so not the kinda girl to pick up random guys! I tell Alice I don't want to walk back in and do it infront of everybody. At this point we are at the car, my back to the door of the restaurant.

Alice, "Ohmygosh there he is!"

Me, "What?" turning to follow her eyes to see him standing his back to us right inside the door on the phone.
Alice,"GO!!"

Before I can think I'm walking briskly back to the door, I open it to see his retreating back walking back toward the bar. I call out his name and he stops and turns. As our eyes meet I can not believe what I am about to do. He's smiling. Good sign I hope. I have no plan. And suddenly I feel very self-conscious. But with my most confident smile in place I ask, "Do you have plans when you leave here?" Still smiling he tells me no. So I tell him we are going back to a friends to play drinking card games if he and his friend would like to join us. He tells me he would like to but will have to check with his buddy. He pulls out his phone and asks for my number ~ typing it in as I ramble it off. He repeats it back to me before hitting save. I say bye again, knowing at this point my cheeks are more than likely flushed. He tells me bye saying he will call me.

Smiling I scurry to the car to find to an anxious Alice who wants all the details. I give them to her still in shock that I actually just invited this cute stranger to hang out. She points out I'm 2 for 2 ~ 2 nights out both ending with a guy asking for my number. I laugh telling her that I may need to hang out with her more often!

In route to Punk-Rock-Chick's my cell phone starts to ring. We have been gone maybe 2 minutes. It's a number I don't know. I press the button and say hello. It's cute smile guy. He asks for directions to Punk-Rock-Chick's and says his friend has to stop somewhere and then they will try to stop by.

We arrive at the apartment and immediately Punk-Rock-Chick's BF starts teasing me and giving me a hard time ~ all in good fun. Alice's BF and the others gathered are nicer but still my brave streak has made me fair game for teasing. I embarrass easily now realizing that if these guys show up the chances of the 2 BF's teasing ceasing is.... well.... probably slim to none. I panic suddenly hoping the guys don't show up. Guess my hopes were answered because they didn't.

But that didn't kill my good mood. This weekend I have become a brave new girl. I don't mind if he never even calls again, I'm proud of myself for having the guts to just approach the guy in the first place! An event that probably not happen often. You never know though.... Maybe I'm overcoming some of my shyness....

She wants a good time

No need to rewind

She needs to really really find what she wants

She lands on both feet

Won’t take a back seat

There’s a brave new girl

And she’s comin’ out tonight

She’s gonna step outside

Uncover her eyes

Who knew she could feel so alive

Her M.O.’s changed

She don’t wanna behave

Ain’t it good to be a brave girl tonight

~ Britney Spears, Brave New Girl ~

Who? What?

This week has been a little busy to say the least. After working at the office all day I then head to Sports Bar where I have been working in the evenings. So after 3 straight days of working 14-15 hour days last night I should have went home and went to bed. Should have being the key words here. But I was pumped. I love the atmosphere at Sports Bar. The night was young and we weren't busy so I was able to sneak out early. Vivi has been telling me I need to live a little so a quick call to Punk-Rock-Chick and I had a wingman. We head to another bar in town, and upon arrival place our drink order. I'm still trying to become a beer girl. But I just..... I don't know.... I'm more a whisky/liquor kind of girl. But I take my beer in determination hoping that it will be an acquired taste. I smile as we make our way around the bar stopping to mingle with familiar faces.

Now to back up for a moment, Fire Guy and one of his friends have come into Sports Bar twice this week while I was working (last night being one of those) and I have waited on them both times. And for the short period Fire Guy and I "dated/hung out/what-ever-you-call-it" no one really knew we were together. Now several months later apparently word is just getting around. I have been asked about 4 times in the past week if we are dating. Then someone last night while I was working jokingly said, "you better behave." I looked at them questioningly not sure what they meant and asked, "Why?" The reply, "Cause your boyfriends here." Pause. Another puzzled look. "Aren't you dating Fire Guy?" The puzzle pieces in my head click as I laughed and responded while shaking my head, "No, no." Guess the small town gossip mill is running behind.

Anyway ~ as I make my way thru the bar there sits Fire Guy's friend he says hello so Punk-Rock-Chick and I stop for a minute to chat. Second words out of his mouth, "Fire Guy's here somewhere." I wanted to reply, "Ok thanks and your telling me this because........" but I just bite my tongue trying to keep my smart ass remarks to myself. After a few minutes we bid ado and Punk-Rock-Chick and I claim a table where we sit shouting over the music to make conversation. I love hanging with Punk-Rock-Chick, she is so laid back and always fun to be around. Before long her boyfriend arrives along with several other friends who join us at the table. We sit talking and laughing. Punk-Rock-Chick, GirlFriend, and myself hit the dance floor leaving the guys with our purses and the table.

Time passes and Fire Guy comes thru the crowd in search of me. We talk and as a slow song comes on he takes my hand and asks me to dance. His strong arms wrapped around me pulling me close as we swayed with the music. He smelled wonderful. I'm not sure what kind of cologne he was wearing but it was defiantly take-me-in-your-arms-and-don't-let-go intoxicating!! lol I'm such a sucker for a guy that smells good. Any guy taking notes here ~ Girls love a guy that smells good! Anyway where was I.... Oh yes, Fire Guy and I slow dancing. As the song ended he took my hand and led me off the dance floor. With a quick hug I returned to my other friends. All of which give me those big grins but thankfully kept their thoughts to themselves. The girls and I danced some more, laughing having a good time. For those few short hours I was carefree and, as a Vivi has told me to do numerous times, enjoying myself. Each time a slow song would come on Fire Guy would appear to take my hand and sweep me off my feet. While dancing we were talking, I don't even remember about what, and I said something about us being friends. At this he laughed and kissed the top of my head, "We're more than friends." Being quite a bit shorter than him I'm sure he did not see the WTF expression that crossed my face as he said this. I let the comment go figuring it was more the beer talking then him. It was nice to dance. Nice to be held. Heck even nice to hear the meaningless words (I say meaningless because if anything I have learned while being single that guys say alot of crap they don't mean). And I guess I have to admit out of all the guys I have ever dated Fire Guy is the nicest.

The night goes on ~ I actually got hit on by two other guys, which was a nice self-esteem boast but odd. I was sober, only drinking one beer, dancing with my girls laughing having a good time. Guess that goes to show when your looking for guys you won't find them, when you aren't looking they appear. I even had a guy ask for my number. He is a friend of GirlFriends BF so I thought what the heck and actually gave it to him. I mean what do I have to lose? I still kinda have a crush on Fire Guy but I mean I think we all know that's not going to go anywhere. So guess we shall see.

Periodically Fire Guy would appear and put his arm around me, or hug me, probably making it appear to anyone looking that we were actually together. Why do guys do that? Act interested if they're not?

By 1:30 I knew it was time to go I went to tab out and pay for the 2 beers I had had only to find out they had already been paid for. That was a nice surprise. Fire Guy tells his friend bye that he's going also and he asks me to wait for him and he'll walk me out. I tell my other friends bye and together Fire Guy and I head out in to the cold night.

As he walks me to my car I feel slightly unsure. Unsure I guess of him and the situation. As we approach my car he grabs my arm and pulls me in for a hug. He pulls me close, tightly wrapping both arms around me. He holds me close and once again kisses the top of my head as he tells me good night.

Life is full of surprises and 2009...... well it's off to an interesting start......

Kat, "You know what pisses me off? I've been spilling my guts all weekend and I don't know a thing about you."

Nick Mercer, [pause] "I'm allergic to fabric softener. I majored in comparative literature at Brown. I hate anchovies. And I think I'd miss you even if we never met."

~ The Wedding Date ~

My Jacob

I, like every other female in America, am thoroughly addicted to the Twilight Saga. Love it! Love it! Love it!!! As I turn the pages of Eclipse I realize I may not have found my Edward but I have found my Jacob. Ah Jacob you can't help but love him and yet pity him all the same time. For all of us I am sure have loved someone that we know will never quite feel the same way in return.

While reading New Moon, something had tugged at the back of my mind ~ a connection I was unable to make. But as I read Eclipse it dawned on me; I realized who Jacob was. Trouble was my Jacob. The best guy friend who is always there for you. I love Trouble and I tend to refer to him as my rock ~ the one guy in my life I know I can count on. After X moved out it was Trouble that called me daily to check on me (I think he was afraid I would have a breakdown). It was Trouble that I cried to. It was Trouble who gave me advice from a guy's perspective. It was Trouble I shared my doubts and fears with. It was Trouble who helped Vivi and I put the house back together.

Since Trouble has let me know time and time again that he would like to be more than friends. And I have let him know time and time again that I just can't risk losing him if it didn't work out. Selfish on my part - perhaps. But it's the truth, I value his friendship to much. When Edward left it was Jacob that Bella turned to. X was no Edward by any means but Trouble was the one that when I feared being alone came over and watched movies with me and kept me company.

He promises me that I will never lose him, a promise that even thru some difficult situations he has kept. Our friendship has survived a lot over the years. But at least monthly he brings up the possibility of "us". Just last week he sent the message, "Unlike you I think we would be good together."

He is not as serious as Jacob, I don't think, thank goodness. But like Bella I to love my Jacob. He will always hold a place in my heart, I'm just afraid it'll never be the place he would like to hold.

Sucks that is the way it is. Because I to have been Jacob. Having feelings for a friend you know only sees you as a friend. I mean haven't we all? Ah the complications of life and love.

Ok.... Enough rambling got to get back to Eclipse, 200 pages to go.

"It’s not like love at first sight, really. It’s more like… gravity moves. When you see her, suddenly it’s not the earth holding you here anymore. She does. And nothing matters more than her. And you would do anything for her, be anything for her… You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that’s a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or a brother."

~ Jacob Black, Eclipse ~

In Need Of A Change

I am ready for a change. The past few weeks I have been evaluating where I am in my life ~ I'm content, yet restless. Each morning I awake to a new day, all oddly similar it seems to the one before. For once in my life I don't feel tied down. I'm working two jobs yet still barely scraping by. Neither related in anyway to my field of interest, which is depressing seeing that I have a Bachelors degree in Communications that has basically been useless thus far.
The past few weeks I have been tossing ideas around in my head about perhaps moving and really starting over somewhere. I envy Cayman's Girl for being brave enough to try something new - new job, new country.

Looking online at jobs is really trying to find a needle in a haystack. I would love to move somewhere overseas, even for just a year. Experience something new. It's a nice thought. Nice to think about..... but would I be able to live without my friends and family? Could I be confident enough to start over somewhere that I would be totally alone? Definitely things to consider. Where to start?

I'm ready for a new adventure.

Is it...... Me?

Sleep has been somewhat of a frienemy to me as of late. I lay awake at night to many thoughts running endlessly thru my head, tossing and turning as I wait for the little blue pill of Simply Sleep to kick in. Until about a year ago I never experienced a problem sleeping or falling asleep for that matter, but like everything else in my life this to has changed. For the past few months I have felt as if sleep were sometimes an escape. The past week this has not been the case, my dreams filled with images and events involving X. Why this sudden change?

While telling of my stories I have not felt the need or inclination to really write about him or his current life. But I guess the update would be that he is now dating someone and has been for the past few months. She is..... well....... not the type of person I would have thought he would ever date. I can say this because I know/knew her ~ after all it is a small town. I hope he is happy, I really do........ ok kinda.......... sorta........ I'm still waiting for karma though I guess to settle up the debt he owes. I wish him no ill will, just wish things were perhaps not so easy for him seeing as he turned my world upside down. After his debt is settled then he can be happy. Is that to much to ask? Ok that makes me sound bitter. Which really I am not. I just believe that what goes around comes around.

I'm straying off the topic. Guys are so predictable to a certain extent. The night I told Big to never call me again, I knew that he would run back to the girl he had recently went on a few dates with. Based on what he had told me I know he thought her to be somewhat crazy, as most girls are. After an argument/episode where she had shown a different side of herself they had called it quits. In our morning talks, he had admitted that she had been calling him relentlessly wanting to 'work things out'. First and foremost Big and I have always been great friends, so to you this conversation may seem weird but for us it was normal. We always talk about anything and everything the only secret we seem to keep is the way we really feel about each other. I asked him if he wanted to give her a second chance, to which he laughed while saying no, "She went a little to psycho." I just shook my head as the topic then changed to something else. After our last night I knew he would decide to give her a second chance (confirmed yesterday). Predictable. The fear of being alone.

This has got me to questioning ~ is it me? Do I really have to high of expectations? I have so many guy friends and often times get to hear more of what guys really think than perhaps I would care to. According to them I am easy to get along with which always makes them blame the guy for the reason the relationship didn't work. Then again they also think no guy is good enough for me. But with my recent failed attempts and then seeing the guys willing to work at it with someone else really leads me to this question. Is it me? Or do I just expect to much?

Either way I'm not lowering my expectations, never settle.

"In a city of great expectations, is it time to settle for what you can get?"

~ Carrie, SATC ~