Christmas Party

Saturday morning began with the walk of shame per say as I exited Punk-Rock-Chick's car and headed for the front door of Vixen's house. My cute outfit from the night before now reeked of club smells and I longed to exchange it for a shower and sweat pants. My heals clicked on the hardwood floors as I made my way into the house. At this point I still didn't have a plan of action. Did I apologize for the previous night? Or did I act like it never happened? In the 11 years Vixen had been my best friend this was only the second disagreement to occur.... the first some 9 years ago a distant memory and unrelateable to the current one. I find Vivi and Vixen gathered around the small screen of the computer transfixed by the movie in front of them. Timidly I enter the large walk in closet and rummage in my overnight bag for the sweatpants and sweatshirt I know it contains. Never had I been more happy to change clothes nor in more of a hurry. I slid on my shoes as I walked thru the house gathering up my stuff. I was at a loss for words I didn't know what to say. I said I was going home to shower and get Hyper and that I would meet them at the Christmas party. Absentmindedly I ask where my cooler is. Vixen's face falls as she tells me about her now ex BF coming over that morning to move the rest of his stuff out. I can see it in her eyes. She wants to cry. She needs to cry. I tell her its ok to cry and as a tear slides down her face I hug her, just holding her and letting her cry. I don't mention the previous night and neither does she. Maybe some things are best to be forgotten.

Later that evening Hyper and I ventured out into the pouring rain to attend the Christmas party. This year we were having it at Nurse-Betty's house; another high school friend that I have always been close with but due to different life events we have drifted apart some over the past year. I arrive at the house along with Giggles and her BF a little after 7. Hyper is quickly off to greet all the guests happy to be the center of attention. Diner is served, drinks are poured, gifts our opened and then let the games begin! In attendance were: Nurse Betty and husband, Giggles and BF, Blondie and her BF, High School friend, and husband, Vivi, Vixen, and myself. We started off with a little Beer Pong ~ Team Vivi and E a force to be reckoned with.

Then thru the door walks Big, Don Juan, Guy Friend and another guy friend ~ they had been invited but everyone had doubted they would actually make an appearance. But after last night I assumed Big would show up only for the soul fact to torture me and.... well the universe is just that fair. A girl also arrives with them but it is not obvious which in the group she is with. I, always one to the bigger person, smiled and introduced myself ~ I think I was perhaps the only one to do so. Giggles, who is not much for outsiders, throws a snide remark out about this newest victim's age asking which one is robbing the cradle now. At this point none of my friends know about the conversations between Big and I the night before. Honestly I don't really tell my friends that much about the two of us. I prefer to keep it to myself (well except Vivi who reads this therefor knows all my secrets).

Hyper runs to greet the new arrivals and Big greets her with this funny voice he always talks to her in. She excitedly jumps around his feet as he bends down to pet her. Then he glances up at me, we make eye contact. He smiles. I smile. Then I quickly look away. I am embarrassed/humiliated. If this girl came with him I am slightly appalled. I know I shouldn't care but as I caught the glances that were exchanged between my friends I'll admit I felt like a fool. But I know Big and I'm no stranger to this game or how his mind works. The beer pong resumes and I must say Vivi was on fire! I sat out vowing that tonight I would go home to my on bed, and lets face it a few drinks and we all know I would have went home with him. But I meant the words I said the night before and I vowed to stand by them..... at least for the time being that is.

Nurse-Betty claims me as a partner for the next round and we are matched up against Vixen and Nurse-Betty's husband. It was a close game but of course I am the champ and my team wins. After this game I decide to sit out the rest of the night and watch from the sidelines. Imagine my surprise when Vixen and Big decide to team up together for the next round. Now Vixen will never admit but I always suspect that deep down she's not a Big fan. But I am happy to see them laughing together as the game begins.

The night goes on and we decide to head outside so that the smokers of the group can have a smoke-break (I am not one of them but follow anyway). As we head to the door Vixen has enough beer in her to be blunt and asks this new girl which of the guys she is with. I am behind them as we make our way up the stairs and try to contain my laughter from the shocked look on the girls face as she laughs and replies none of them. Vixen retorts, "Ok good," and walks off apparently happy with this answer. I shake my head and continue out the door.

I take a seat and Big comes up and takes the seat opposite me. He attempts conversation as Hyper curls up in my lap. It is still early in the night but I know its time for me to go. I gather my stuff and Hyper's many requirements. I swear it's like having a kid as I collect her bed, toys, bone, food bowl, and blanket. I make my rounds saying my good byes. I come to Big and tell him bye. "Your leaving?" He stands up, hugs me and tells me to be careful as he pets Hyper goodbye.

On the way to the car Giggles is fuming at the possibility that this girl could have been there with Big. I laugh at her telling her that its really ok and tell her simply that I told him I just wanted to be friends. She stops short, "Well why didn't you tell me that? I've been giving him the eat shit and die look all night?" She laughs and I can't help but laugh with her. As I climbed in the car I let the fake smile slide from my face. Was I really ok if he was with another girl? I had made the decision therefor I had to be.

A few months ago I would have probably been devastated. But that's the funny thing about growing up. You realize you have to be happy with yourself before you can ever begin to be happy with someone else. And right now I am happy with myself in that I will never again settle for less than I deserve. This journey has had its bumps in the road I admit but if I've learned anything I've learned I can make it on my own. I make my own fate. If Big and I are meant to be it'll be and if not that's ok cause I'm doing just fine on my own. After all I've made it this far.


Side note ~ The next day (Sunday) Vixen, Vivi, and myself ventured out to do a little Christmas shopping.

The first question I was asked was, "Where did you sleep last night?"
Confused I reply, "In my bed."
"Ok."
"Why?"
"Well we were taking bets," Vivi admits from the front seat.
"Bets?" I ask having a pretty good idea where this questioning was headed.
"Yep the guys left right after you did and we were guessing you probably stayed the night with Big," Vixen responds.

Interesting.