Saturday, December 6, 2008

The Queen of Denial

"Denial: friend or foe?"

The last few days I have had so many thoughts running thru my head. The what ifs, the whys and everything in between. The reappearance of Big has thrown me off balance in a way. It's as if every time I seem to think I have it all figured out he appears and I discover nothing is as it seemed. I am not the most patient person ~ and that is putting it mildly. So the uncertainty of the whole situation is enough to throw a control freak like myself completely out of whack. Ok maybe control freak is a strong word...... I'm really pretty laid back...... but yeah I like to know I'm in control..... so control freak may be appropriate. lol

My heart hopes that this time will be different but in my mind there still lingers that trace of doubt. So I feel as if I'm sitting on a fence unsure of which way to go. Do I walk away, I mean at this point I still could. Or do I take a chance? Roll the dice and see what happens. Its I game I could lose or win. But if I walk away I will always wonder..... what if. I have kept the majority of this to myself, not wanting to tell my friends till I know for certain.

Big has been gone out of town this week and he sent me a message last night asking what I was doing, that he wished I was at the beach with them, and that he missed me. The naive, hopeless, romantic girl within couldn't help but smile. The conversation went on awhile him saying that they may come back today instead of Monday as planned, then added - unless you want to come down and we can stay thru Monday. A few days at the beach? Yeah I could use that! But alas here I sit at work so you can see the decision that I made..... Being an adult sucks sometimes! And so does being broke and the fact I already told Bartender I would work at Sports Bar tonight.

I told Big if I came I wouldn't be able to leave till around 11 p.m. at the earliest and that was a far drive just to stay one day and turn around and come back. I was shocked by his response telling me if I wanted to come we'd have to be out of the condo Monday but we could check into a hotel and stay another day or two if I wanted to. The offer was very tempting..... but I was getting the vibe from my women's intuition telling me this was not a good idea, mainly the driving 6.5 hours down there by myself in the 4runner that is in need of an oil change and new starter. So I tell him to come home today and maybe we can go for the weekend together sometime soon.

I think I am the Queen of Denial. I know better, yet I have hope. Why should this time be any different? It probably won't but I always give people the benefit of the doubt. I'm still leery, my guard still up. He is being nice, charming, and appearing to be sincere. Is he really though or is it my eyes only seeing what they want to see? I don't know, something just feels different this time. Maybe we've both grown up. I'm still not getting my hopes up, still waiting for that bomb to go off I guess. I never take his words for face value, nor believe them completely. How long can one live in denial? And is it really friend or foe?
Mr. Big, "Nice dress."
Carrie, "Meaning?"
Mr. Big, "Nice dress."
~ SATC ~

1 comment:

Vivi said...

Well, well. This is interesting. I knew, intuition I guess, that he would eventually ask you to come down. I just didn't know he would be so adiment about it. I think it is good that you feel that you have both grown up. I think we all have in the past few months. Maybe it will be different this time, I hope it is. You know how I feel about Mr. Big, but I am also a bit leary for you because I was there last time. I know how these things seem to go. I say just be careful and follow your heart. A few moments of wonderful outbalance a lifetime of regret.