Famous Last Words - My Kid Will Never Act Like That

Maddie feeding the chickens

Vixen, my friend who swore she would never have kids, is pregnant. I like to think it's cause Maddie wore her down and made her realize that kids were fun. And that just because you have a kid doesn't mean your life stops. I mean Maddie is a trooper and goes everywhere with us whether it be to a horse show, out hiking. hauling hay.... you name it, if Marine and I are there so is Maddie.

I knew eventually Vixen would cave. But till she did I kept all the pregnancy horror stories to myself. I painted her the happy picture of rainbows and flowers leaving out the dreaded morning sickness and endless heartburn. I also only tell her the joys of motherhood with a few terror stories here and there.

Maddie hauling hay

But now that she's pregnant and in full morning sickness swing, it's time for to learn the truth and meet Maddie the Destroyer and see what she has to look forward to. Lucky for Vixen though Maddie loves her Aunt Vixen and tries to contain her most destructive unruly moments for when her and I are home alone.

Today Vixen had asked if I would go with her to Babies R Us to register.  In case you don't remember it was Vixen and Giggles who went with me when it was my time to register. And what an experience that was!!  Now though we are not blind leading the blind. She is taking me as her "baby expert" in hopes this time we will semi-know what we are doing.

We get the registry gun and once again find ourselves standing in front of the never-ending wall of bottles.

"So which of these do I need?" Vixen asks.

"Well I guess that is kind of a personal preference. I mean Blondie used the Nuks. But Maddie used to spit up real bad so I used the Dr. Brown's. Everyone likes different ones for different reasons so just depends on which ones you want to try." I ramble on.

Vixen looks at me and looks at Maddie who is offering a mischievous grin from her seat in the buggy.

"Dr. Brown's worked for Maddie and she's turned out good so Dr. Brown's it is." She says scanning a pack of bottles.

We progress to the next section.

Now let me pause here and offer a word of advice to those that may not have children yet. Have you ever been out somewhere and seen a kid misbehaving and thought to yourself, 'my kid will never act like that.'? If you have, NEVER think that again!! Just look at the kid and say a quick prayer for their mother to have patience and strength. "My kid will never act like that" is famous last words and a surefire guarantee your kid will act like that..

I was one of those unbeknownst judgmental people who thought my kid would never act like that...... I was wrong.

That child is my child.

She is a terror. A wolf in sheep's clothing. She looks all sweet an innocent..... then the red head kicks in.

I like to blame it on Marine. My mom has said I was such a calm and laid back child....... Marine's mom admits that Marine was a little on the active side.......

So there we are in Babies R Us and Maddie decides she no longer needs to listen to anything I say and that running around the store is perfectly acceptable...... I quickly grab her and tell her that if she doesn't want to go back in the buggy she will walk with Vixen and me and hold my hand.

She shakes her head no, pulls her hand away, and takes off down the aisle at a bouncy run laughter trailing in her wake.

I dart after her and grab her giving her one more stern warning.

She rebels again.

"Alright that's it." I say picking her up. This angers the beast more and she begins to pitch what can only be called a fit.

I try to calm her down. Nothing is working and we are past the point of bribes and threats.

She is acting out and I know that we are at a pivot-able moment.

And then for the first time ever I pull down her pants and pop her on the bare butt.

She freezes and becomes silent. She looks at me and then at Vixen with a look that seemed to say, "can you believe she just did that?" then the silence passes and she burst into screams and tears. I pick her up and am putting her in the buggy explaining to her why she got a spanking and telling her she can't act like that. She has to act like a sweet little girl.

At that moment a male sales associate comes up to us eyeing my screaming bloody murder child, "Ladies is there anything I can help you with?"

My back is half turned as I am focusing all my energy on Maddie.

"No we're good," Says Vixen with a forced smile.

"Ok..........." He says drawing it out as Maddie's cries start to calm, "Let me know if you need anything." He turns and walks away.

I turn to Vixen, "You better scan quick. I'd say we have exactly 5 minutes before child services shows up."

***************************

Needless to say child services never showed up..... maybe it is still ok to spank your child in public. Or maybe the sales guy saw the 5 minutes before the spanking on the security camera and decided I was justified. Either way after that Maddie once again became my sweet little angle. 

Sitting in the buggy pointing and laughing as she showed Aunt Vixen exactly what she needed to register for. 

I'm not sure if it has to do with me going back to work or with the age but Maddie has been acting out more lately. Testing her boundaries. Seems today though I won and the boundary line has been clearly drawn. I'm hoping that one little pop will last a lifetime and never have to be repeated. It may be true when they say 'it hurts me more than it does you', cause it broke my heart to do it. 

But Mom I need them both!

After Babies R Us we made a quick stop at the mall and since she had been so good the rest of the day and through lunch I decided she need a little reward for good behavior. So while Vixen was looking at maternity clothes Maddie I stopped in the Disney Store. Most of the toys were for slightly older kids so I steered the stroller to the stuffed animal wall telling Maddie she could pick out one. After showing her the selection she made a grab for Minnie and Piglett. I was laughing as I would tell her to pick one and she would laugh and pull them both tight hugging them to her. Of course by the time I get the phone out to snap a pic you can't tell so much she is laugh as trying to convince me why she needs both. 

How can you tell that face no? So I figured we would be going home with both. But Maddie is definitely going to be a shoe girl and a bargain shopper! We pass by a sale rack that has shoes on it and Maddie spots a pair of pink Minnie Mouse sandals and she points and makes her I want that noise. I look and they have her size and are on sale for $3.00. I show them to her and ask if she wants them. She throws Minnie Mouse down and reaches for the shoes. Safe to say my wallet got the better end of that deal. 

Overall it was a great day and Maddie and I both enjoyed spending it with Vixen. Can't wait till her little one gets here. I hope that she will have a terror to! lol 

You Go Girl, Work That Pole!

Saturday when I arrived at Vixen's house I still wasn't quite sure what to expect. I arrived with two bags as instructed. One consisting of work out clothes and high heals. The other with overnight clothes.

Per instruction I changed into my workout clothes and heels completely stumped on what it was we were going to be doing.

Giggles and Vixen were all smiles as the 3 of us loaded up into the car headed to destinations unknown.

I had been trying to come up with where we might be going and decided that maybe we were going to Sips n Strokes - a place where you drink wine and paint. Red and I had talked awhile back about wanting to attend one of their events so I thought maybe that's what we were doing and the girls were just trying to throw me off......

I could not have been more wrong.

The last minutes of the car ride I was blindfolded and threatened to not peak.

At last we came to stop and Vixen helps me out of the car laughing the entire time at the surprise she has in store for me.

Then all of a sudden the blindfold is dropped and there in front of me is Giggles, Alice, LC, and Will --- all grinning from ear to ear. And then I turn and gasp in shock.

OMG!!! There are poles everywhere!

"SURPRISE!" they laugh giddily.

"Here drink this," Giggles gives me a glass of wine.

"Did you really not figure it out?" Vixen questions.

"No, I would never have guessed this," I replied honestly.

We sat and drank wine and laughed while we waited on the instructor.

I was so glad Will was able to come! I haven't talked much about Will except to say he's the Will to my Grace. Expect he may be more of a Jack than a Will....... oh well anyway. We all grew up together and Will and I commuted to college even for several years. I love him to death and know that one day he will be a big shot news anchor and then you will have the chance to fall in love with him to.

Quote from Will, "Time to work the stripper pole! No seriously...I figure if this whole news reporting thing doesn't pan out I gotta have a back up! Let's do this!"


Seriously to funny.

Can you guess the shoe? I'm the red and black Zebra.... GRR ;)

The next two hours were spent twisting and turning and trying to look sexy (try being the key word on my part). 

We had a blast! It was so much fun and who knew that it could be such a workout!! Two days later I still feel the burn in my abs and arms. 

Also there are a few bruises on my knees that could be a little hard to explain......... lol I would show you a picture but the whiteness of my legs around the bruise would blind you. Seriously.

After the class we headed back to Vixen's where Conscious, Red, Babbles, Hollywood, Ford Wife and a few others waited with next surprise. 

I was greeted and this was thrown on head.

Why yes, it is a penis crown! lol

The next surprise being a Passion Party. Remember I attended one of these while Marine was deployed (post). It was a complete surprise and a lot of fun. There were even games. Yes, I did say games. She divided everyone into two teams and gave them a few materials and told them to make some kind of outfit. Giggles and I got to be the judges. Both teams did an excellent job, but in the end we had to give to Babbles team for creativity. 

Then it was time for cake..... now this was the part of the night that totally made me blush!!

Wondering what it was made of??? The privates were rice krispi treat!

Interesting to say the least!! lol

Overall it was a fun night with a lot of laughs.

Rachel: We did not know you wanted a stripper, so we went to the phone book and got the first name we could find.

Phoebe: How old's your phone book!?

~ Friends ~

The Royal Wedding & Bachelor / Bachelorette Party Weekend

Getting ready for bed......

E, "So you gonna get it up with me in the morning to watch the Royal Wedding?"
Marine, "Sure."
E setting the alarm.
Marine "What are you doing?"
E, "Setting the alarm so we can get up and watch the wedding."
Marine, "Oh you were serious?!"

Every little girl at some point or other pretends to be a princess. She dreams of growing up and marrying a Prince, and riding off in a horse drawn carriage to live her life happily ever after inside a magical castle.

Today Kate Middleton got to live that dream.

Images Take From MSN

Kate was stunningly beautiful. Her dress classic and timeless. 

I would like to tell you that I woke up and watched the wedding. In reality my alarm went off at 4:30, I turned on the TV and fell back asleep. But I had recorded it so when I was getting ready for work I watched a replay plus the live coverage still going on Good Morning America. 

Today Will and Kate got there fairytale wedding and it was lovely.

I wonder though if that was really the wedding they wanted? Or would they have rather had a small ceremony with just close friends and family out on an English hillside?

Interesting thought, huh?

Well my household is in full wedding swing! Marine leaves this afternoon for his bachelor party. They are taking their horses and going riding / camping. The campsite has been set up so that some of his friends who don't ride can still meet them and camp. 

We went grocery shopping last night for the trip and 2 cases of beer, a pack of steaks, and buggy full of  food later I was left to believe there may not be as much riding as there is drinking and eating! ;)

Tonight I plan on frantically finishing up favors, working on programs and on center-pieces........ and oh yeah trying to clean because our first wedding house guest arrives WEDNESDAY!!!!

Have a mentioned we are in the new place? Have I mentioned we still have boxes that have not been unpacked? Have I mentioned there IS STILL a pool table in the middle of our living room that needs to be moved? Yeah, still lots to do!

Then tomorrow is my bachelorette party...... and I have no clue what we are doing! Giggles and Vixen have kept it top secret and all I've been told is to pack 2 bags and to be at Vixen's at 1 p.m. One of the bags is supposed to be work out clothes and high heals........ what kind of combination is that?? I'm scared. I admit. lol

Monica: Who else do you want to invite?

Chandler: Uh, no no no. Just Ross and Joey is embarrassing enough.

Ross: Actually, sorry, I can't even make it. I'm seeing Mona again tonight.

Chandler: I understand. Who'd cancel an actual date just to go to a fake bachelor party?

Joey: (On the phone) I'm sorry, I've gotta cancel tonight, baby.

~ Friends ~

Blondie's Last Night

Sunday morning I stood under the shower letting the warm water wash off the drunk from the night before. Hot water may have never felt so good.

Saturday night was Blondie's lingerie / Bachelorette party.

Per her request we had rented a cabin for the night. All the bridesmaids brought a tailgating dish and adult beverages. 

I got there early along with Blondie and Nashville Chick (who is another bridesmaid). We sat on the porch visiting and enjoying listed to the creek flow by down below. 

That was perhaps the only calm part of the evening!

Soon the other girls and guests began to arrive and the fun began!! I had prepared a batch of Pink Panty Droppers (a Vivi Special) for the party, the drinks were poured and the party began!

Blondie opened her scandalous presents. Some tasteful, some down right slutty. I of course was guilty of getting her the latter of the two. ;)

We have all been taking bets on how long it will be before Blondie gets knocked up so one of the other bridesmaids slipped in a pregnancy test with her gift.

I truly admire Blondie and her confidence. I myself am so shy that I'm practically a prude (sad but true). Blondie had invited her mother and future mother-in-law, who are both great, but I couldn't help thinking how uncomfortable I'd be opening these type of presents in front of my mom and future mother-in-law. Don't get me wrong I'm tight with both of them but no need to show "this is what I'm going to wear when I do your son later." lol

It went great though! Both mom's even participated in our little game of pin the penis! haha

We didn't have a blindfold so Blondie put one of her new presents to work........ (thanks to Conscious for the leopard print blindfold).

It was an interesting game to say the least..... and like usual Vixen won. We all think she cheats.

Then Vivi had to go and pull out the veil.

Now there is some back story to the veil. Everybody gets a turn with it! Giggles refused to wear it at her bachelorette party and we decided to leave it at the hotel. So when Vivi pulled it out several of us gasped in shock!

"The veil lives!"

Blondie takes one look at it, "Ah hell."

Yes this veil has a little bit of everything on it..... KY, Condoms, Empty Birth Control pack...... you name it!

Vivi also pulled out THE monster bottle of crown she bought on the last cruise we all went on together.

We all laugh and say that when we're 80 we are going to be sitting around on a front porch somewhere still drinking on this bottle of crown!

 It was a fun night and my only regret was not spending more time right here.....

Robin Scherbatsky: Check out what I got Lily for her shower! It's kind of racy; think you can handle it? 

Barney: I've been in a ten-way, so... yeah. 

~ How I Met Your Mother ~

The Bachelor & The Stripper

Any time you talk about weddings you are inevitably going to talk about some of the other events that lead up to the big day. One of the most epic being the Bachelor / Bachelorette parties.

Where rules and trust go hand in hand out the door for some couples. 

I got to talking this weekend to a friend who's fiancée is deployed with Marine. They are set to get married the month the guys return from deployment. From the get go of the conversation I can tell she's upset; she then says that her fiancées brother is wanting to have strippers at the bachelor party.

** Crickets Chirping ** 

Now no girl really wants her guy going to a strip club. Any girl who says she is ok with it is lying and trying to appear cool and collected.

Not wanting the guy to go and not having a problem with him going are two different things.

I know Marine's friends will probably want to take him to a strip club for his bachelor party. It's a bachelor party. That's what guys do.

Do I really want him to go to one?

No.

Am I ok with him going to one?

Yes.

I trust Marine fully and any issues I have of him going to a strip club really boil down to my own insecurities. I mean I have a pretty decent body, but strippers have great bodies! A fact that can be proven by the whole pole dancing workout craze. Big boobs, long legs.... yeah a far cry from my five foot flat, small chested figure.

The flip side of this card is that girls also go to strip clubs for bachelorette parties. Does this bother guys? Do they have any of those same insecurities? Psshh I highly doubt it. Women are just crazy (yes I said it).

The fact that Marine Friend was so surprised that her fiancées brother would want strippers at the bachelor party completely surprised me. I thought that was just a given of bachelor parties.  And I mean she wasn't just a little upset, she was how-do-I-put-a-call-thru-to-Afghanistan upset.

I calmed her down telling her to not worry about something that was still months in advance and even though that was what his younger brother wanted to do that may not be what her Marine wanted to do for his bachelor party (sometimes I fib for the greater good). It worked, she calmed down. I'm glad cause, bless his heart, this is not what Marine Fiancée needs to be dealing with when he does get a chance to call home.

Marine and I have months till our Bachelor / Bachelorette parties but I have already been informed by two of his friends/groomsman that they are already planning the Bachelor party. They say this with sideways grins that can't help but make you laugh. The rules I have laid down to Marine are: you can look but don't touch and they better not touch you either.

Other than that I think I'm better off not knowing! Ignorance is bliss.

What are your thoughts on Bachelor / Bachelorette parties? Experiences - good or bad? Lets hear them!






The Friends quotes were to great to just pick one: 

Phoebe: "A stripper at a bachelor party, that is so cliché. Why don't you get a magician?!" 

Chandler: "Well, if the magician can open my beer with his but cheeks, then all right."

~ Friends ~

[Scene: Monica's apartment, where Phoebe's bachelorette party is taking place.]

Phoebe: (to Rachel) Thank you so much for this.

Rachel: Oh, d'you like it?

Phoebe: Oh my God, it's all so elegant! When's the dirty stuff starting?

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: You know, the strippers, and the guys dancing, and you know, pee-pee's flying about.

Rachel: Pheebs, I... there isn't gonna be any flying about! We actually thought we were a little too mature for stuff like that.

Phoebe: Oh, ok. I see what you're doing, that's fine. This is all there is, just tea, uh, ok. (she drinks her tea) Hmmmm... raunchy!

Rachel: Seriously Pheebs, it's not gonna be that kind of a party.

Phoebe: Really? So this is... this is my big send off in the married life? Rachel this is the only bachelorette party I'm ever gonna have! I've got a big wad of ones in my purse! Really? I mean, really? It's just tea?

Rachel: Nooo! Phoebe, of course there is more! I mean, I'll just go and talk to Monica and get an ETA on the pee-pee's!

~ Friends ~

The Fling Before The Ring

 Reason To Carry Cash Number 27: 

someplace's you don't want to explain when they show up on your bank account.

I am about to break a cardinal rule, one that normally if you were told you would then be killed.  

I am about to tell about what happened at a Bachelorette party.

Saturday was a little hectic - but by 3 that afternoon Vixen, Giggles, Red and I were headed north. We checked into the hotel and were joined shortly by Blondie, Vivi, Girl-Friend, and Queen (our gay guy friend). 

The hotel suite was WONDERFUL (thank you Vivi!) and after a few rounds of drinks started to get ready for the night ahead.

Let me backtrack a minute... my first great idea of the night came on the drive up as I saw a billboard for Racetrac.

"Let's get icee's and mix them with vodka!" I suggested. 

GREAT IDEA... at the time. So we stopped and three of the four of us went inside to purchase Strawberry-banana icee's  and then once back in the car I dug around in my bag and pulled out the bottle of Grey Goose I had brought for the nights festivities. Delicious! 

So as we got ready we all pre-gamed before leaving the hotel and heading for the first stop. We had chosen a hotel downtown so we could walk as many places as possible. For diner we had chosen a fabulous brewery and grill. Over diner the eight of us laughed and drank. It was here that I had the best Rum Runner I have possibly ever had in my life, but for $8.50 had better been good! It was my treat to myself before switching to  $1.50 beer - and what a treat it was!

From here we bar-hoped drinking beer along the way and finally landing a local joint that had an 80's cover band scheduled for the night.


We danced, sang at the top of our lungs, and stood right up front like star crazed groupies. Giggles was laughing and everyone seemed to be having a good time. 


Red and I headed for the bar to get another drink and I hear someone yell my name..... I stop as I hear my name yelled again. I turn around and scan the crowd when a man standing in front of me shouts, "E?"


"Yeah...." I reply trying to get a good look at the guy who in the dim light and with the baseball cap I do not recognize.


And then it hits me as I see a woman approach his side. It's Marine's aunt and uncle who have also made the two hour drive to see the band. 

Small world.


We talk a minute and laugh at the coincidence before I wave goodbye and Red and I join our group again.


At this point I admit I am drinking heavily. I know where our next stop is and have decided I will be less uptight if I'm a little tipsy.

Everyone knows where we are going but Giggles. We leave the club at exactly midnight and walk outside to hail a cab. The 8 of us pile into the death cab mini-van driven by a 23 year guy who is apparently training for Nascar. 


Or maybe he was driving fast because two of the drunk girls are hitting on him and Queen is yelling from the back, "So girls or guys!?"


"Girls," He answers as he punches the gas.

"Awe well if you change your mind." Queen laughs at his own joke and the rest of us hold on for dear life as we take a curve on two wheels.


I thank the Driver as we get out and ask if he will come get us later. He gives Vivi a card but I suspect there is no way in hell he is coming back for our wild group.


We walk toward the door, and Giggles shrieks at the surprise as we enter the Gay Bar. The drag show starts at 12:30 and we are just in time. Exactly as planned.


We head up a spiral staircase and take places around the balcony area to watch the show. A voice booms over the speakers and the show begins.


OH MY!!!


Thats really all I can say. 


This was a totally new experience for me. And an interesting one at that; and one that left me with many unanswered questions --- I am so naive!


But let me admit I was also impressed!


"Is that a guy or a girl?" I whisper to Vixen.


She laughs hysterically, "A guy..."


"Well I wish I could move my hips like that!"


"Uh, yeah me to!" She replies.


We watch in amazement, cheering as one leaves the floor and another one enters. 


After the show we hang around for a bit dancing and drinking. Then the bartender snubs Blondie. Blondie is one of those loud-mouthed girls that after few drinks doesn't back down from a confrontation. We see the steam escape her ears and grab her and head for the exit.


From here we hop in a cab, not the same cabbie, and headed back downtown. 


Some how we ran into some guys from earlier that had been trying to hit on Girl-Friend and we follow them into a nearby joint. Pool tables fill the center of the room and tables and chairs are spread around the outskirts. The place is packed with local college students. 


The mood is not as fast paced as what we are wanting. So Vivi, Giggles, Red and I stand at the top of the stairs waiting for Blondie and Girl Friend to say goodbye to their new friends and this guy comes up. He introduces his-self to all of us, we all are polite but it's obvious we are not looking to hook up here. As he starts to talk to me I politely raise my left hand up to push my hair behind my ear doing it slowly enough and obviously enough flashing him my engagement ring. Boy is drunk and the subtle hint does not work. Neither does the silent treatment he is now getting from the rest of the group. 


Poor dude.


Girlfriend and Blondie stumble over and with a "nice meeting you" called over the shoulder, we head down the stairs and out of the bar. 


Outside we snap a few pictures and then head back to the hotel on a foot. It's only a few blocks but the few blocks walk seem even shorter as our laughter rang threw the streets. 


Once in the room some sat up in the living area of the suite but it was nearly 4 a.m. and I'll admit my head was ringing. I stumbled into one of the bedrooms and changed into PJ's and crawled into bed. 


The suite had 2 bedrooms and the one I had chosen had two queen beds - which were quickly full of Giggles and myself in one and Vixen and Blondie in the other. Apparently we aren't as young as we once were. lol


The next morning my head still was ringing and I really just wanted to come home and climb back in bed. 


But we are group of eaters and headed to the City Diner for lunch before heading home.


Queen to Giggles, "So how you feeling?"

Giggles, "I'm not as over hung as I thought I would be."

[Scene: Monica's apartment, where Phoebe's bachelorette party is taking place.]

Phoebe: (to Rachel) Thank you so much for this.

Rachel: Oh, d'you like it?

Phoebe: Oh my God, it's all so elegant! When's the dirty stuff starting?

Rachel: What?

Phoebe: You know, the strippers, and the guys dancing, and you know, pee-pee's flying about.

Rachel: Pheebs, I... there isn't gonna be any flying about! We actually thought we were a little too mature for stuff like that.

Phoebe: Oh, ok. I see what you're doing, that's fine. This is all there is, just tea, uh, ok. (she drinks her tea) Hmmmm... raunchy!

Rachel: Seriously Pheebs, it's not gonna be that kind of a party.

Phoebe: Really? So this is... this is my big send off in the married life? Rachel this is the only bachelorette party I'm ever gonna have! I've got a big wad of $1s in my purse! Really? I mean, really? It's just tea?

~ Friends ~