Sometimes The End Just Makes Way For New Beginnings

Life Lesson 36: 

It is NEVER a good idea to start drinking at 9:30 in the morning past the age of 21.

When my alarm went off at 3 a.m. I would like to tell you I sprung out of bed. In reality I fell out of bed, grabbed my Monster, and stumbled to the 4Runner. Perfect example of why I had been smart enough to pack the car the night before!

Giggles was late of course because she is, a bitch in the, not a morning person.

Vixen is smart though and had thought ahead and met us with Waffle House in hand. The way to Giggles heart is thru her stomach and after four bites of hashbrowns the anti-morning-she-devil had been replaced by our lovely friend.

Now I admit when Vixen called me last Thursday morning and demanded requested that we go to the beach for the weekend instead of having the planned bachelorette party I was ready to kill her!!! And that is putting it mildly. So last minute I cancel the few plans that were already set, uninvited people with a vague excuse of rescheduling, and started looking for beach locations anywhere within a 6 hour drive.


Maybe murder would be a better word....

Of course it was so last minute that not everyone could go and the large bachelorette party dwindled down to three; Vixen, Giggles, and myself.

By 5 a.m. we were easing our way thru traffic and laughing at the morning radio personalities.

Due to the forgotten time change when crossing into the new Time Zone we arrived a little earlier than we had planned. Like 10:30 a.m. early. Thank goodness the hotel receptionist was nice and let us go ahead and check into the room.

We dropped our bags and changed into swimsuits and headed for the beach.

Vixen and Giggles were hell bent on getting a tan and me and my 70 SPF and umbrella was hell bent on not getting sunburned. Yes, I am a pasty white girl. I don't tan, I burn.

Lunch time arrived and we walked to the beach-side restaurant located next to our hotel and promptly ordered seafood and frozen drinks. I mean what is a beach vacation without a frozen drink?

Now here is where I said my stupidest comment of the trip:

Giggles: "How's your pinacolada?"
E: "Here try it... It's almost to sweet. To pineappley."
Giggles: "Pineappley?"
E: "Yeah."
Giggles takes sip of my offered drink.
Vixen: Pineappley?"
E: "Yeah!...... What do you think pinacolada's are made of?"
Giggles and Vixen in unison: "Coconut!"

All three of us burst into laughter! Yeah that was just one of the dumb things I said over that weekend that I'm sure I will never live down.

After lunch we headed for the store to get some snacks and other grocery items. Our hotel room had a kitchenette so we planned on buying cereal for breakfast and snacks...... well because let's face it we are "snack" type of people.

Giggles is pushing the buggy and of course she heads straight for the beer aisle; she beelines for her beer of choice (Yuengling) and Vixen and I stand debating what will be our poison of choice for the weekend. I want Landshark but they don't have it in cans (gotta have cans to take on the beach) so we go with Bud Light Lime. We are trying to deciede between the 12 pack and the 18 when I glance behind me and do a double take.

I tap Vixen who is mid-sentence and point to the buggy. Giggles has 2 yes 2 - 12 packs in the buggy. "If she's planning on drinking 24 surely between the two of us we can drink 18!" I laugh.

"What?" Giggles responds to our laughter and glances at her beer, "We're at the beach!"

18 it is.

We returned to the hotel, unloaded our goodies and returned to the beach.

Where we spent the rest of the day.

Diner was Little Caesars Pizza and Bread-sticks eaten on the beach by moonlight. Like always over pizza and beer late at night is when we contemplate life. We talk about the past, the present and the future. I was sad none of our other friends could go but as I sat there with two of my best friends I realized it was kinda symbolic. Like beach trips of the past it was just the 3 of us. We've grown from the 15 year old girls we once were but our friendship remains the same. This would be the last trip we would all take before tying the knot.

Saturday was much the same--- wake up, head to the beach, go out for lunch, return to the beach.

From the safety of the umbrella and 70SPF shield I snapped pictures. Then like kids we threw care to the wind and, despite the cool temperature of the water, plunge in. Koozies with beer in hand of course. WE HAD A BLAST!! Trying to stay afloat while dodging waves and keep our beer from getting submerged. Being short the ocean pretty much had it's way with me, tossing me wherever it felt like. End score - Ocean 2 : E 0. The amount of sand found in my bathing suit afterward left me feeling totally violated. Thanks Ocean most action I've had in 3 months. lol ;)



For lunch we headed to Margaritaville . Best food eaten on the vacation hands down! Two frozen drinks later I feel a little buzzed. I get up to leave and realized that I may be more than a little buzzed. We had started drinking beer at 9 am.

Stupid?

You betcha!

But as Vixen put it, "It's my Bachelorette weekend!!!"

So it's 1:30 p.m. and I've reached the fun part (as my friend Red would say).

Yeah unless your 21 it's really not a good idea...... and even at 21 I really don't remember it being a good idea.

Needless to say back at the room I took an hour refresher nap before once again joining Vixen and Giggles on the beach.

By this point we hit the harsh reality we aren't the alcoholics we used to be and the fact we are getting older is almost a happy reminder.

We went out for diner. This point sober and Giggles saying, "I remember now why I don't drink much anymore."

After diner we head back out to the beach and under the light of the moon we pop the top on a bottle of champagne to celebrate the last night.

The last night of vacation.

The last trip before the weddings.

The last night before we embark on the next chapters of our lives.

But this wasn't an ending it was a toast to new beginnings. Somethings in life change. Things come and go. But friends never fade.

So together we bid farewell to the past and welcomed the future and discussed what it may hold; kids, jobs, and marriage. One day we're going to be the little old ladies that still get together for drinks, lunch, and gossip. I see many more vacations in the future, but this was the last one just us. Next year our husbands will be with us. And then who knows summers after that may bring kids. But no matter what happens we will always have each other.

Oh and in case you're wondering, It takes 3 people to open a bottle of champagne... :)

"Growing up, does not mean growing apart."
~ E. ~

Quotes from the trip

E, "If I sit to long in the direct sun I die."

********

Vixen, "In this light your hair looks kinda blonde."
E, "My hairs kinda like a mutt."
Vixen, "A mutt?"
E, "Yeah such a mixture of things your not really sure what it is. I mean is it blonde? Is it red? Is it brown?"

********

Giggles as she takes the bottle away from Vixen who is pointing the champagne bottle right at her face, "Ok let's not go home with a cork black eye....."

***********

Vixen, "Ok who's ready for beer!!!???"
Giggles, "It's 9 a.m."
Vixen, "Ssooooo.... It's my Bachelorette weekend!!!!"............................ "and you got 24 to finish in less than 48 hours." tosses her a beer, "Drink up bitch."

Photos From The Trip

And my pic for Marine....

When Did The Rules Change?

When did the rules change?


Ok I may have you confused. You really want to hear more about my weekend with Marine.... and that is coming.... promise. But while writing my last post the question came to mind: when did the rules change?

In our early twenties we stuck to Lauren Conrad's rule that if your a good girl you wait 6 months before you give it up (aka color ~ if I have you lost on the coloring to term please refer here). As we got a little older we thought we could cut that time in half..... so 3 months. Well apparently Vixen and I have both broken the rule both of us coloring after only a month.

At once this rule was so easy to stick to. Why is it that as we get older the rules change? The game is the same.... ok well not really...... I can honestly say Marine is different from any other guy I have ever dated (which if you knew the losers of my past you would see this as a good thing). But still I had at least planned to hold out till Labor Day.

Of course Vixen and I also said we did not want a relationship. Guess we broke that rule to. Eh oh well.

Samantha, "I think I have monogamy. I caught it from you."

~ Sex and the City ~

Following The Rules

The rest of last weekend was spent running from one thing to another. Saturday I rushed to feed horses, then off to make an appearance at Alice's bridal shower, then I met up with Electric. Electric is my history friend and there has been a museum exhibit I have been longing to see. So since the rain had canceled out my horse show Electric and I headed south to the museum. The exhibit was interesting and I was glad the we had the opportunity to go.

A few months back I established the rule that I don't sit around and wait on people. College Friend had mentioned wanting to hang out Saturday night, but by 1 when I had not heard from him I shrugged and decided that Electric and I would be in no hurry. I was following my set rule that I would not wait on a guy. Beside Vixen was wanting to go see a movie that night. I figured if, if, College Friend called I would invite him to the movies with us.

After the exhibit Electric and I met up with Vixen to eat diner. No word from College Friend..... Good thing I wasn't holding my breath for that phone call.

After diner the three of us went to watch Wolverine, which was great. I get a text from College Friend telling me he took his mom to a concert for mother's day and it lasted longer than he thought it was.

Ok good excuse. And nice that he did something for his mom..... but why if he had plans did he ask if I wanted to hang out in the first place? Guys...... shake of head......... I will never understand them!

C.C., "This isn't a typical night."

Niles, "Yes, you're not home alone sitting on your foot massager watching 'Sisters'."

~ The Nanny ~

Another Perspective

A few months back I ran into an old friend. A guy I had went to college with. One who, in the past, I would have had a crush on if I hadn't been in a relationship. I don't really know him that well, but what I do know of him he is a nice guy. So after the run in when he sent me a friend request on Facebook, I was a little excited. When I got a message commenting on a photo of Vivi, Vixen, and myself I started thinking of him as perhaps a future date prospect.

Since then he has asked me out twice...... and twice I have had to ask for a rain check. Once because I was scheduled to work at Sports Bar, the second because I already had plans with Vixen and Blondie. Part of me does want to go out with him, yet part of me is still a little gun shy. I really need to get over that.

Today I was talking to a guy I used to work with. He's kinda like that older annoying brother that is always right. He some how steers the conversation to my romantically challenged life....

Me, "I will never get married again. Hell I'll probably never be in a serious relationship again."

Work Brother, "Yeah you will. Next time marry for money."

Me, "Haha."

Work Brother, "Am I wrong?"

"I hope not. But I will not marry again," I reply stubbornly.

Work Brother, "Your way to young to say that."

Me, "Uh no. Been there, done that, learned the most expensive lesson hopefully of my life."

Work Brother, "Shit you will find someone..... Open your mind."

Me, "Even if I do find someone that doesn't mean I'll marry them."

Work Brother, "You don't know that. Think about what you are saying."

Me, "I just find it hard to believe I will ever trust someone that much again. It won't be anytime soon. I hate to say it but I'm scared to death of commitment."

Work Brother, "How many times have I been wrong? Besides that's a lie." He pauses, "If anything you strive off commitment."

Me, "Face the facts I get asked out all the time but I stay busy cause I don't want to go on dates cause I'm not ready for a relationship and I also suck at hurting peoples feelings. So I rarely go on dates and just stay busy so I have an excuse not to go. I know that sounds crazy but what if the date goes good? I'm not ready for it to turn into anything."

Work Brother, "Look at your commitment to your friends...... your mom....... your not scared of commitment your scared of getting hurt. Stop second guessing yourself."

Damn he may have a point.

Pause. Me, "Ok maybe your right."

Work Brother, "So what are we going to do?"

Me, "About what?"

Work Brother, "To fix you?"

Me - laugh, "No clue. I'm having fun going to horse shows right now. Me and Horse won this past weekend."

Work Brother, "See more commitment."

Me, "Shut up."

Work Brother, "Haha you love me."

Me, "Yeah but I hate when your right."

Maybe he is right. My whole life is made up of commitments; Commitment to friends, to family, to work, to my animals, to club projects (fundraisers), and recently I have been trying to renew my commitment to church.

I hate it when he's right.

So maybe I will give college friend a chance. If he ever asks me out again, but really I've said no twice.... hmmm....... oh well maybe he'll go with '3rd times a charm.'

And then there is Marine2...... who I do a have a full fledged crush on..... but ssshhhh don't tell..... none of my friends know that [ except now Vivi - Hi Vivi (insert wave) ]. Because it is a silly crush. One I know I will get over the minute we actually hang out. Therefor I refer back to the "your-friends-may-not-need-to-know-everything" rule. I will withhold the details because I don't want to jinx myself...... but lets just say in overcoming this phobia Marnie2 and I have upcoming plans....... Cross fingers nothing happens between now and then.

Sometimes all you really need is another perspective.....

Karen, "Rosie, I just met the most incredible man!"

Rosario, "Are you sure you just didn't lean into the doorknob again?"

~ Will and Grace ~

Ramblings

There will be more to come but this is my random thoughts of the moment.

I knew Marine1 was coming home this weekend. The plan for Friday night had been simple:

I was working at SportsBar
He was going to come in and eat diner and wait for me to get off work.
We were going to go out.

But at 3:00 I was called and told that I didn't have to work (whoopee!!) So I had Vixen stop by a Ticketmaster location and get me a ticket for the concert her and Vivi were going to tonight. I didn't contact Marine1 because I hadn't heard from him in a week and plans change. Our plans weren't even definite. And one of the new rules is, I will not sit around and wait on a guy; regardless if he is friend or a potential love interest ~ maybe I shall rephrase that completely ~ I will not sit around and wait on anybody. If there is something I want to do I am going to go do it.

So as we were on the way to the concert (interesting ride will give more info later) I get a message.

Marine1: What r u doing tonight?
Me: Going ____ to see _____. You?
Marine1: Not sure who all is going?
Me: Me, Vivi, Vixen
Marine1: Cool sounds fun
Me: Should be :) ride down if you don't find anything to do
Marine1: k I might

I kinda feel guilty at this point for not inviting him more in advance. But I don't know I feel in the grey area if this would have been before the hook up I probably would have - now though I guess I don't really want to contact him that much because I don't want him to think I like him as more than a friend. So then later I am having fun shaking my butt on the dance floor when I feel my phone vibrate from in my purse.

Marine1: Whats up
Me: Plenty. Whats up with you?
Marine1: Not much. Where you at
Me: Same place was earlier. Where you at?
Marine1: In town
Me: Miss us don't ya? lol boring without us?
Marine1: Yeah

Rule number 1: Never Tell Your Girlfriends

When having a 'hook up' be smart. Tell no one. Yeah that was where I messed up.... If you tell no one it is never talked about therefor you can pretend it never happened. At least that is the way things go in my little bubble.

But nnnooo I had to open my big mouth. Shake of head. That was not my only mistake but really we don't have all night for me to point out the many mistakes I have made when it comes to men, relationships, hook ups, and screw ups. So for the time being we will focus on this one.

So now anytime Marine1 is brought up I get the look. You know the look I'm referring to. Its almost a smirk. And Vixen has that know all smirk that only she can give. I admit she knows me at times better than I know myself but really. Its as if they think I secretly have a crush on him. Which I do not. Perhaps its because I don't hook up.

But the thing is after awhile they start to mess with your physcee. Make you think, well should I have a crush on him? It makes you second guess yourself --- something I am not a big fan of.

I have to shake my head to clear it of the thoughts they put there with their looks and remind myself it was what it was. Nothing more. And I want to leave it at that. I don't want anything more than a friendship with him now or ever. I mean he really isn't a guy I would ever want to date. Expect he can be an ass at times which tends to be my normal type. But no. I'm really only into him as a friend.

I want the bubble back.

Miranda, (The man Miranda had just met at the gym asked her out) "Nah, it's too quick. I think maybe that kick in his head scrambled his brains."

Carrie, "No. Too quick is sleeping with him on the first date. That's too quick."

Miranda, "You both got excited, and you went for it. Stop blaming yourself."

Carrie, "Oh, I don't blame myself. I blame the dress. The dress!"

~ SATC ~

Sent via BlackBerry

Note To Self

Note to future self if ever in a relationship again:

1. It's middle of the day and he has not called or texted you, this is no need for panic. He has a job. He's busy. Plain and Simple. Deal with it.
2. Why he's not calling: you pick a fight everytime he calls / you bitch at him over every little thing. If the situation were reversed would you want to call him? Shake of head, nope didn't think so. Solution = chill out!!
3. Even though it's your time of the month that does not give you the "get out of jail free card" to be a witch. Yes, cramps suck. But freaking out over little stuff does not make them go away.
4. Think things thru ~ so what he didn't give you a Valentine's Card, he did take you out for a romantic diner, etc. Yes a card would have been nice but years from now what will you remember? A card or a romantic evening with your loved one?
5. Pick your battles.
6. After 6 months he has stopped trying to Woo you. In his eyes if you have stopped wearing make-up and trying to impress him why should he still try to impress you? It is a two way street. Just like you are now in the comfort zone, so is he.
7. His Ex is his Ex for a reason therefor there is no need to worry about her. He's with you not her ~ be happy with that and let it go. Even if he happens to run into her somewhere does not mean that he will suddenly, magically want her.

I'm sure there are more. This list is comprised of things I have had to listen to from friends during the past week. Maybe it's something to do with the planetary alignment, maybe they are all going crazy at once, or perhaps I can now see things from an outsiders perspective a tad more clearly. I have always said girls are crazy ~ at least at times. And I'm not excluding myself from this generalization, I have my moments to. As an outsider it's easier to see the problem as a whole. I just wish sometimes these girls could take a step back and see how silly they are being. But like a storm the problems quickly pass and once again they will experience smooth sailing. As long as I get a drink with a little umbrella in it I'm happy.

Barney, "Watch your step when you get up kids, 'cause I'm about to drop some knowledge. Relationships are like a freeway. "

Marshall, "Wait a minute. A month ago you told me relationships were like a traveling circus."

Barney, "No, this is new, this trumps that. Freeways have exits, so do relationships. The first exit, my personal favorite, is six hours in. You meet, you talk, you have sex, you exit when she's in the shower."

Robin, "So, every girl you have sex with feels the immediate need to shower? Actually yeah, I get that."

Barney, [ignoring what Robin just said] "The next exits are four days, three weeks, seven months - That's when you guys" [pointing at Ted and Robin] "are gonna break up, mark your calendars."

Ted, "Hey!"

Robin, "What? "

Barney, "Then a year and a half, eighteen years, and the last exit: death, which, if you've been with the same woman for your entire life, it's like "Are we there yet?" "

~ How I Met Your Mother ~

Lemon Law

Why is it human nature to want what we can't have? Or better yet why is it that we get what we don't want? Or many want is a strong word.... perhaps need would be more appropriate. Why is it we get what we don't need?

As I've said before I live in a rather small town. One in which everyone knows everyone, or so it seems at times. So what do you do when you live in a small town and someone asks you out that you really don't want to go out with? I mean I know these guys (yes this is plural), we've grown up together. They're nice.... just I don't know.... not really my type. For the past few weeks I have had two guys asking me out. They are both nice guys.... the problem is they are in the friend box. Meaning I just don't look at them in that way. I see them as just that - friends.

But if I turn them down will it mean every time I see them out (which I will) it will be weird and not as it is now? Or do I go on a date with them and then everytime I see them after that avoid them cause I really don't want to go out again??? I mean if this were a big city I'd say what the hell and go because chances of seeing them would not be as high. But one I see nearly once a week as it is. I'm way to nice and don't like to hurt people's feelings. So far (luckily) I always have plans for when they ask me out. But what happens when the day comes I don't already have plans?

I think my new rule needs to be ~ only date people from out of town!!!

I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I'm thankful to be asked out (I guess). It's just I really don't want to hurt either of their feelings!! And why is it then the guys you don't really want to call do and the ones you want to call don't? Take Cute Smile Guy (the stranger I gave my number to) yeah he called!! He left a message. Taking Vixen's advice I decided to wait and call back the next day, she said if I called back right away I'd look desperate. So I call back.... leave message.... never hear back. Damn dating games! Maybe I can envoke the "Lemon Law"...... hmmm......

"You know what the dating world needs? A "Lemon Law.""

~ Barney, How I Met Your Mother ~

[ The Lemon law for dating was created by Barney when he realized that the world of dating needed a way to easily exit a date that clearly would not go well. The lemon law must be engaged within the first five minutes of the date by informing the other partner that they have been "lemon lawed" or "I'm going to have to lemon law you". The person being lemon lawed understands that there is no hard feelings and their participation is appreciated. ]

(taken from Wikipedia)

Isn't It Ironic

Last night after work I came home to pick up Hyper and headed to Punk-Rock-Chick's apartment for a fun night of pizza, beer, and card games with a big group of friends. I'm not much of a drinker but when I am I have always been a whiskey/rum/vodka kinda girl but as of lately I am trying to become a beer girl. Let me explain Vixen and I were the last two of our friends that refused to sell out to beer. But on the cruise in a stooper Vixen started drinking beer and to my dismay is still doing so..... And beer is cheaper than mixed drinks........ so I'm trying to make myself drink beer. I must admit to me all beer taste the same. But $2.00 beer vs $6.00 mixed drink..... yeah I need to drink beer.

So last night Hyper ran around the apartment enjoying having so many people to give her attention and I enjoyed hanging out with this laid back group of friends. All of my friends are so different, I think that is why I love them so much.

Anyway last night when I got home I crawled into bed and switched on the TV and of course Sex and the City is on TBS so I flip to it and settle in. I have always thought myself to be more of a Carrie; in that I'm the writer of my group, I'm a talker, like Carrie I am curious, also the only thing I've ever really made in the kitchen is a mess! I mean I've taken the quiz and I'm Carrie:

"You’re the star of the show! You’re vivacious and lively, confident in your own taste, and you know what you want (well, usually). That said, you’re not without your insecurities, and you can be a tad selfish sometimes. You’re ambitious, but you still want to find a good balance between work and life. You would like to have a long-term partner, but you realise that relationships take a lot of work." (take the quiz see who you are!)

But as I watched last night I started realizing maybe I'm a bit Charlotte as well. I had always compared my relationship with X to that of Aiden. In reality he may have been a Trey, well with out the bedroom problems. Ok well the more I think about it X is nothing like Trey except for Bunny. That was my ex mother-in-law and X was a total mommas boy. Which can be a sweet, endearing thing. Or an annoying thing that keeps him from ever growing up. Either way I've added this to my checklist of what I don't want in a future guy ~ no mommas boys (but he should have a good relationship with her and respect her ~ so maybe this rule's flexible).

The BIG football game was today.... I sat at the office glued to the TV texting play-by-play texts to friends who could not be watching the game. The final score my team lost by 3 points. Those 3 points ended a 7 year winning streak.... I of course noticed the irony of this. In 2000 my team lost. Early 2001 X and I started dating at that year our team won and for Christmas he gave me the winning game score t-shirt. This became a tradition and for the past 7 Christmas I received the shirt. So today as I watched the game I told myself if they won I'd have to buy my own shirt this year...... and they lost. So they didn't win the year before we got together, they won every year while we were together, now the year we split up they lost. Ok maybe no one else sees or cares about the irony but me.

"When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses, and shouldn't throw stones. Because you can never really know."

~ Carrie, SATC ~

Mixed Signals & Second Thoughts

Tuesday night Vixen, Giggles, Conscious and myself ventured out into the cold night for diner in celebration of Conscious’s birthday. And the new rule is: if we go to diner at a place that serves alcohol you get a birthday shot, if we go to a place that does not serve alcohol we will have the staff sing you happy birthday. Unfortunately for Conscious she had chose the latter of the two, which caused Giggles to come up with the rule. Needless to say Conscious was embarrassed but we all enjoyed sharing the free birthday ice cream.

Once back home I was getting ready for bed and my phone went off informing me of a new text message. I assumed it was Vivi, Blondie, or Babbles so I continued my bedtime routine. As I climbed into bed I picked up my phone and there was his name. A name I hadn’t seen on my display for almost a month: Fire Guy. I hesitated slightly in surprise, my finger lingering over the read button. I pressed the button and the message read, “So are you alive?” My brow furrowed as I reread the words. I hit reply and said “Yeah…… lol why?” I know, I know not the best reply but I’ll be honest I was a little bit in shock. A minute later my phone went off signaling a reply, “Just checking. Hadn’t talked to you in awhile.” I typed out another reply still wondering what was up. As you can see I always expect ulterior motives. The third message brought the motive to the surface, he asked about X. Apparently even though X and I were telling no one that we were talking the word was out. That’s the thing about a small town even if you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else always does. I replied vaguely refusing to commit to anything, the response “I just don’t want you get to get hurt! Because you are a good girl!!!!” Pause WTF??!!! This from the guy who pretty much dumped me in a text message with no reason other than ‘this isn’t working’? I guess the pitbull in me came out as I replied with this thought along with a “Besides why do you care?” His response still leaves me confused, “Because I don’t want you to get hurt by him again! Because he does not care about you E! Just follow your heart and it will lead you in the right way!” The conversation continued for sometime after this. Me setting the record straight that I wasn’t sure what was going on with X, which was the truth, and him basically telling me to run as far from X as I can. I should state here that I never bad talked X to Fire Guy. In fact I usually followed any bad statement with ‘he’s really a nice guy’ to which Fire Guy would respond along the lines, “No he’s not he’s a douche bag.” Numerous messages later as we said our good nights the last message of the night read, “I just want what is best for you! And he is not what is best for you! Just follow your heart! Good night!”

I lay awake that night wondering if he was right. I have told all my friends that I don’t want their opinions and that I want to make this decision on my own, with that in mind I don’t really talk to them about the matter. Now here is Fire Guy who is worried about X hurting me again. I still don’t understand why it is that he cares? I mean if it were Big it would make sense he’s always been the, if-I-can’t-have-you-I-don’t-want-anyone-else-to-have-you-type-guy in my life (even when he doesn’t want me he doesn’t want anyone else to have me). Fire Guy has never seemed to be that type however, hence the confusion on my part.

Just when you think you have it all figured out life throws you a curve a ball. I had crushed on Fire Guy and was truly sad when it ended. I mean even now I can distinguish the sound of a fire engine siren, which I couldn’t before because I never paid that much attention, and if one shall pass I look. Do I want to see him or did it just become habit in that short time period? I’m afraid I don’t know the answer to my own question.

The next morning I awoke a million questions still running through my mind. I felt like I had left stuff unsaid the night before and typed out a rather long message in which I sent to Fire Guy, “I’ve thought a lot about what you said. Maybe your right but like I told you before I never believed in divorce I guess I thought that years from now if I knew I’d tried everything I wouldn’t look back with regrets because it wasn’t my fault it didn’t work. But I guess fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. And as far as following my heart goes I don’t think I trust it anymore! anyway thank you and thanks for caring. I appreciate it!” He didn’t reply and I wasn’t surprised.

I’m doing this for myself and the reasons I expressed in the message. I want to know that I tried everything to make it work between X and myself. Up to this point I have regrets and wish I would have addressed the problem at the time. I can’t fix the past but I can learn from it. I want to know that if it doesn’t work with X it’s not because I didn’t try. I don’t want to look back years from now saying coulda, shoulda, woulda. In the morning light though I faced the mirror deciding that I have tried and now I must wait. Days before as a last effort I had suggested marriage counseling. I looked myself in the eye and told myself that if he said no to counseling than I would let him go and once again work on moving on.

Around 5 o’clock I received a message from X reading, “Ok. I want to go talk to someone. U r right about me not opening up and I think that doing that will let us know once and for all if there is anything left. I still feel something for u and since I’m not sure what it is, talking to someone about it may help.”

Will he actually go with me to a counselor? I don’t know. This is X we are talking about and he tends to change his mind, sometimes rather suddenly. This may blow up in my face, or it may be the new beginning of a great romance. Either way I am still taking everything day by day. Not getting my hopes up. I am neither positive nor negative on the situation preferring to stay neutral until the counselor’s appointment is made.

And Fire Guy? I shake my head still in confusion. Yeah my life is definitely shaken not stirred.

“Wouldn’t life be perfect if sweat pants were sexy; Monday’s were fun; junk food didn’t make you fat;

girls didn’t cause so much drama and guys weren’t so confusing; nothing was regrettable;

and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow.”

~ Unknown ~