Always Listen To Your Gut

So part of my new year's resolution to myself was to blog more. I was thinking once a week..... at least once a month..... I've failed miserably.

Tonight though I find myself home alone and yearning to write!

Why am I home alone?

The boys are back in town! lol yes the song plays in my head even as I typed that. Marine's USMC buddies (3 of them) are in town for a visit. We haven't seen them in over two years so they were a site for sore eyes. Marine and Roommates bromance is back in full force. I'm so happy for Marine to get to spend time with his best friend. I take for grant that I can see my bestie as often as I do. So this weekend Marine and his buddies headed over to the family camper that is parked at lake campsite over the summer.

Perfect night for a girls night! So after dinner with her Aunt Vixen, Maddie and I came home and I was all excited about time just the two of us....... well Maddie fell asleep on the way home and went right back to sleep as soon as I laid her in her bed. So that means party is postponed till around 2 am!

So I made a big leap a few weeks back and decided to go back to work full time. When I originally took the job a few years ago my gut had told me not to take it and I had ignored it. The job was ok, the people were great, but working with an office of women all under the age of 35 was a little to much drama for me. So when I went part time it was good. And it clouded my memory of before. Then the offer came. My boss got promoted and I was offered a promotion to her previous job position. Great salary, pretty good benefits..... of course I would have to come back full time.....

The debate began. Marine told me wasn't going to give an opinion. It had to be my decision.

They then tell me starting in September the company is going to offer daycare at work. The daycare would be small, only about 5 kids.

This made the decision tougher to make. My gut told me not to take it. But my head said this was a great opportunity. I admit I may have been blinded by the money..... I convinced myself that if I didn't take the job I would be being selfish. That I know I wanted to stay home with Maddie but what about in a few years when she starts school? What would I do then? Go back to a low paying receptionist job? I thought of all the money Marine and I would be able to save. The money we could put into finishing out the new house. The money we could put towards Maddie's college fund. I mean we have been living on Marine's income so my new salary could mostly go into savings.

My gut still had alarm bells going off. I ignored them. And decided it would be best for the family if I took this possibly once in a life time offer.

I accepted the job stressing that I was accepting it due to the upcoming daycare. My boss said that over the summer I could come back to work and her daughter could watch Maddie at the office. There was an empty office in the back that could be turned into a playroom. "It'll be fine!" she said.

Now maybe I should mention her daughter is 12.

I knew this wouldn't work. But I knew if I didn't at least try it I could kiss the job goodbye. So I made arrangements with the 12 year old and settled on a babysitting salary I would pay her each week for watching Maddie at the office.

On June 3rd I went back to work full time.

Needless to say it took 2 weeks for Maddie to break me. Maddie is not much for going to work. The first day was good because it was something new. The second day.... not so good. And it has only went down hill from there. We now pull in the parking lot and Maddie say's "mama no, no."

So the second week in I cave and tell my boss I can't keep doing this. That I understand her daughter is trying hard and is doing a good job Maddie is just used to being more active. I mean Maddie has never stayed home an entire day in her life. I mean we always go to the barn every day to feed horses and the chickens. And most days we go Marine's restaurant to eat lunch with him after the lunch rush has ended. So staying in place all day was not her idea of fun.

I thought it would get better as she adjusted to the new routine. But when you can hear crying from a few doors down and her desperately saying "Mama... mama..." your heart melts and you realize no amount of money is worth it.

Maddie knows I'm in the same building so I know that is probably part of the problem.

I have since been juggling trying to make the best of the situation. Marine's mom has also pitched in keeping Maddie 2 days a week.

I keep telling myself that if we can just make it two more months problem will be solved.

Then I learn this last week that we more than likely are not going to be getting a daycare.....

*****crickets chirping******

Marine and I have both agreed we really don't want to put Maddie in actual day care. And call me old fashioned.... maybe it's because my mom was a stay at home mom.... but I want to raise Maddie. I don't want a stranger raising her. I want to be the one to teach her things. I want to be the one to see her as she tries to experience new things. I want her to learn our families values, not those of someone else.

Now don't get me wrong I know that most families have to have two incomes in this day and age. With the price of gas and food it is nearly impossible to get by on one income like earlier generations were able to.

But when working part time I realized just how many things you can really do without. And you know what? You don't even really miss all that stuff you once thought you needed.

After 3 weeks of not seeing Maddie but a few hours a day I've determined two things.
1. Somethings are more valuable than money
2. Always listen to your guy


I know I'm being Debbie Downer as I wallow in stupid self pity. I mean with all the "real" problems in the world this is ridiculous to even waste blog space over. I get that. But since Aunt Flow is currently visiting I will chalk up crazy hormones as being one of the author's behind this post.

I write in hopes that I will one day look back and read this and know that I made the right decision.

But what should that decision be?

Back to the drawing board.... Do I suck it up and deal with it? Or do I follow my heart and return to being a full time stay at home mom?

Sometimes The End Just Makes Way For New Beginnings

Life Lesson 36: 

It is NEVER a good idea to start drinking at 9:30 in the morning past the age of 21.

When my alarm went off at 3 a.m. I would like to tell you I sprung out of bed. In reality I fell out of bed, grabbed my Monster, and stumbled to the 4Runner. Perfect example of why I had been smart enough to pack the car the night before!

Giggles was late of course because she is, a bitch in the, not a morning person.

Vixen is smart though and had thought ahead and met us with Waffle House in hand. The way to Giggles heart is thru her stomach and after four bites of hashbrowns the anti-morning-she-devil had been replaced by our lovely friend.

Now I admit when Vixen called me last Thursday morning and demanded requested that we go to the beach for the weekend instead of having the planned bachelorette party I was ready to kill her!!! And that is putting it mildly. So last minute I cancel the few plans that were already set, uninvited people with a vague excuse of rescheduling, and started looking for beach locations anywhere within a 6 hour drive.


Maybe murder would be a better word....

Of course it was so last minute that not everyone could go and the large bachelorette party dwindled down to three; Vixen, Giggles, and myself.

By 5 a.m. we were easing our way thru traffic and laughing at the morning radio personalities.

Due to the forgotten time change when crossing into the new Time Zone we arrived a little earlier than we had planned. Like 10:30 a.m. early. Thank goodness the hotel receptionist was nice and let us go ahead and check into the room.

We dropped our bags and changed into swimsuits and headed for the beach.

Vixen and Giggles were hell bent on getting a tan and me and my 70 SPF and umbrella was hell bent on not getting sunburned. Yes, I am a pasty white girl. I don't tan, I burn.

Lunch time arrived and we walked to the beach-side restaurant located next to our hotel and promptly ordered seafood and frozen drinks. I mean what is a beach vacation without a frozen drink?

Now here is where I said my stupidest comment of the trip:

Giggles: "How's your pinacolada?"
E: "Here try it... It's almost to sweet. To pineappley."
Giggles: "Pineappley?"
E: "Yeah."
Giggles takes sip of my offered drink.
Vixen: Pineappley?"
E: "Yeah!...... What do you think pinacolada's are made of?"
Giggles and Vixen in unison: "Coconut!"

All three of us burst into laughter! Yeah that was just one of the dumb things I said over that weekend that I'm sure I will never live down.

After lunch we headed for the store to get some snacks and other grocery items. Our hotel room had a kitchenette so we planned on buying cereal for breakfast and snacks...... well because let's face it we are "snack" type of people.

Giggles is pushing the buggy and of course she heads straight for the beer aisle; she beelines for her beer of choice (Yuengling) and Vixen and I stand debating what will be our poison of choice for the weekend. I want Landshark but they don't have it in cans (gotta have cans to take on the beach) so we go with Bud Light Lime. We are trying to deciede between the 12 pack and the 18 when I glance behind me and do a double take.

I tap Vixen who is mid-sentence and point to the buggy. Giggles has 2 yes 2 - 12 packs in the buggy. "If she's planning on drinking 24 surely between the two of us we can drink 18!" I laugh.

"What?" Giggles responds to our laughter and glances at her beer, "We're at the beach!"

18 it is.

We returned to the hotel, unloaded our goodies and returned to the beach.

Where we spent the rest of the day.

Diner was Little Caesars Pizza and Bread-sticks eaten on the beach by moonlight. Like always over pizza and beer late at night is when we contemplate life. We talk about the past, the present and the future. I was sad none of our other friends could go but as I sat there with two of my best friends I realized it was kinda symbolic. Like beach trips of the past it was just the 3 of us. We've grown from the 15 year old girls we once were but our friendship remains the same. This would be the last trip we would all take before tying the knot.

Saturday was much the same--- wake up, head to the beach, go out for lunch, return to the beach.

From the safety of the umbrella and 70SPF shield I snapped pictures. Then like kids we threw care to the wind and, despite the cool temperature of the water, plunge in. Koozies with beer in hand of course. WE HAD A BLAST!! Trying to stay afloat while dodging waves and keep our beer from getting submerged. Being short the ocean pretty much had it's way with me, tossing me wherever it felt like. End score - Ocean 2 : E 0. The amount of sand found in my bathing suit afterward left me feeling totally violated. Thanks Ocean most action I've had in 3 months. lol ;)



For lunch we headed to Margaritaville . Best food eaten on the vacation hands down! Two frozen drinks later I feel a little buzzed. I get up to leave and realized that I may be more than a little buzzed. We had started drinking beer at 9 am.

Stupid?

You betcha!

But as Vixen put it, "It's my Bachelorette weekend!!!"

So it's 1:30 p.m. and I've reached the fun part (as my friend Red would say).

Yeah unless your 21 it's really not a good idea...... and even at 21 I really don't remember it being a good idea.

Needless to say back at the room I took an hour refresher nap before once again joining Vixen and Giggles on the beach.

By this point we hit the harsh reality we aren't the alcoholics we used to be and the fact we are getting older is almost a happy reminder.

We went out for diner. This point sober and Giggles saying, "I remember now why I don't drink much anymore."

After diner we head back out to the beach and under the light of the moon we pop the top on a bottle of champagne to celebrate the last night.

The last night of vacation.

The last trip before the weddings.

The last night before we embark on the next chapters of our lives.

But this wasn't an ending it was a toast to new beginnings. Somethings in life change. Things come and go. But friends never fade.

So together we bid farewell to the past and welcomed the future and discussed what it may hold; kids, jobs, and marriage. One day we're going to be the little old ladies that still get together for drinks, lunch, and gossip. I see many more vacations in the future, but this was the last one just us. Next year our husbands will be with us. And then who knows summers after that may bring kids. But no matter what happens we will always have each other.

Oh and in case you're wondering, It takes 3 people to open a bottle of champagne... :)

"Growing up, does not mean growing apart."
~ E. ~

Quotes from the trip

E, "If I sit to long in the direct sun I die."

********

Vixen, "In this light your hair looks kinda blonde."
E, "My hairs kinda like a mutt."
Vixen, "A mutt?"
E, "Yeah such a mixture of things your not really sure what it is. I mean is it blonde? Is it red? Is it brown?"

********

Giggles as she takes the bottle away from Vixen who is pointing the champagne bottle right at her face, "Ok let's not go home with a cork black eye....."

***********

Vixen, "Ok who's ready for beer!!!???"
Giggles, "It's 9 a.m."
Vixen, "Ssooooo.... It's my Bachelorette weekend!!!!"............................ "and you got 24 to finish in less than 48 hours." tosses her a beer, "Drink up bitch."

Photos From The Trip

And my pic for Marine....

Note To Self

The Old Me's Dead & Gone

Note to self: some things are never a good idea.

So in a sense the old me is dead and gone. Which I'm not 100 percent sure is a good thing. I have spent my entire life being a people please-er. Every step I take or action I did was thoroughly thought out and each possible outcome was anticipated. I never lived in the moment. Never. Didn't happen. I also would always remove myself from situations that could be misconstrued (well prior to last year).

The new me I have realized has a I-don't-care attitude. Instead of removing myself from situations I remain in them. No lines are crossed, yet it is a gray area - like I'm waiting to see what will play out. This really is not always such a great idea. In the end I feel that my inaction could be seen just as badly as action itself.

Ah hell your only young once. Live with no regrets. Vivi told me that if it's something that made you smile than it was worth while.

Still though the old me may be dead and gone, but the new me is not really the person I want to always be. I always liked being the "good girl". I need to find a happy medium. I'm tired of feeling guilt for just allowing myself to be in a situation even though I did nothing wrong. I've went from one extreme to the other now I must find the balance in between. But how exactly do I do that?

"I turn my head to the east, I don't see nobody by my side

I turn my head to the west Still nobody in sight

So I turn my head to the north, Swallow that pill That they call pride

The old me is dead and gone, The new me will be alright"

~ T.I. & Justin Timberlake, Dead & Gone ~