Back To Blogging ~ Starting At The Beginning

So I have decided to participate in the SITS Back to Blogging Event. Not that I actually think I have a shot at winning the prize -

Thelma and Louise ~ Washer and Dryer from Electrolux

But more so because I liked the topics and thought it might be fun to look back over the past few years since I started this blog.

On July 29, 2008 I created this blog and posted my first post: 

Welcome

Hello, and welcome all to my version of Sex and the City. That is if Carrie was 25, divorced, starting a new job, and had no clue where her life was going. I have always wanted to write and during this time in my life I have decided to take the cards life has handed me and write about them anonymously in hopes of entertaining people with the twists my life is taking. Most events I write about will be true, however I am reserving the right to take a creative license and embellish a little so as to make them more entertaining. And some events may not be what I did but what instead I wish I would have done. Which posts are fact and which are fiction? That will be for you to decide. So here is to a new chapter in life....

HAHAHAHAHAHA I'm sorry I laugh just re-reading this!

I would like to be able to say that I have used "creative license" or "embellished" but nope. Sorry, everything I've written has been how it happened. I think I really only threw these fancy words in to cover my butt in case my secret-anonymous-blog was ever discovered. Kinda like my own personal built in escape clause.

And "writing about what I wish I would have done" --- again nope. Looking back there are a few posts I wish I could rewrite with what I SHOULD have done. Most of those would have went much like this.....

Mr. Big----> Not a good idea. It never was and never will be. Run like hell and don't look back. Period.

Marine1 -----> Not a good idea. You know it. But there's another Marine out there that's perfect for you!!

Fire Guy ----> He will one day be your brother-in-law and you will pretend like this time in your life never existed. Enjoy the friendship but be glad/thankful it never turns into anything more.

(Mis)Adventures ----> Some of these may not bring about the best memories while others can bring a smile to your face just recalling them. Fun times with friends you'll never regret.

What an Adventure it has been in starting over.

   ~~~~~~~~~

Join me and participate in this SITS Back to Blogging Event.

{ The sponsors of this great event: Standards of Excellence, Westar Kitchen and Bath, and Florida Builder Appliances }

***Beep**Beep*** We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Programing....

I am interrupting the normal scheduled blog post

to bring you this important announcement....

This is my 200th post.

I was planning on doing a post in this fashion on my 1 year blog-versary but when I saw that I was at 200 I felt there was no time like the present. I want to take a moment to reflect, look back at some of my favorite post (perhaps some of my favorite mistakes), some of my least favorite moments (when perhaps a do-over would have been best), and a little of everything in between. Buckle up and lets rewind.





1. Welcome ~~ It all started July 29, 2007 when I sat bored out of my mind at work and came up with the idea of starting a blog. At the time I thought it would serve as a time killer for myself and Vivi, little did I realize it would turn into a passion.



2. "Can You Get To A Future if Your Past is Present" ~~ Ah Mr. Big. To fully grasp this post you may have to read the post prior. This is not one of my favorite posts but think it is relevant in the Saga that is Big.



3. Two posts that I loathe but are pertinent to understanding my story: The X Factor and "Maybe the Past is Like an Anchor Holding us Back. Maybe, You Have To Let Go of Who You Were to Become Who You Will Be."

4. Trip To The Top Of The World ~~This was such a fun night. One of those summer nights that you wish you would never end and the thought of it makes me shake my head yet brings a smile to my face all at the same time.

5. Life: Shaken not Stirred ~~ Ok I really just like this title!

6. Gone Fishing ~~ My first date.... well, maybe, kinda.... either way it was a great day that will always make me think of Fire Guy with a smile.

7. I'm Always Your Last Call ~~ When I learn that guys are full of shit and words are a dime a dozen.

8. Just Say No ~~ Another fun night I will always look back at with a smile but that shows I never really learn.

9. Brave New Girl ~ Chapter 6: Flirting With Strangers ~~ With a new year I turn over a new leaf and actually get a little courage.

10. Just What I Need On A Night Like This ~~ Sometimes what you want is not what you really need. And sometimes what you need is not really what you want.


When I started this blog I thought "my life isn't that interesting I may have to embellish some...." little did I realize how many Mis(Adventures) I really do have. I mean really who could make this stuff up? And just think I do actually censor at times.


I have come to the conclusion that I tend to go for the guys I know that it will not work with; Marine1, GB, DMOF ~ to name a few. Sense the pattern? I know these guys are all wrong for me, yet I think that is why I am drawn to them. I'm not ready for a relationship and these guys are guys I know I would never have one with therefor no expectations and it works out perfectly. Never thought I would have that outlook. For right now though I'm just having fun and trying not to make to many mistakes along the way.


Thanks everyone for all the comments/feedback! Here's to the next 200 posts in hopes they will be just as much fun and hopefully at least semi-entertaining!

"I love you, but I love me more."
~ Samantha, SATC ~

Recap

Friday I left job 1 to head to job 2 (Sports Bar). From my recent accident I'm slightly doped up on pain pills so I'm in a 'speak-my-mind' kinda mood. Usually I only reach this point after a few drinks. The night is really ssssssssslllllllllllllooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwww so after encouragement from Fire Guy and his Friend I take a seat at their table and talk with them as they finish off their pitcher of beer.

They are asking questions about my accident and I am telling them the full details of why I now look 17 again (ie braces).

Fire Guy, "I wish I would have been there."

I sat there and kinda looked at him not sure what to say but before I could ask why he said; "I would have saved you."

Oh poor Fire Guy. He always wants to come to the rescue. But as I stated before I was much in a 'speak-my-mind' mood, "What would you have done? Helped me hold the paper towel to my nose?" I laugh.

He pauses a minute and then laughs to, while his friend just shakes his head at the two of us. "Ok your right," he admits hanging his head slightly, "But I still wish I would have been there."

I don't know what to say to that..... I mean really come on....... so I change the topic. Which somehow along the line the train jumps the tracks and the topic turns to X who is now volunteering with the Fire Department. Fire Guy tells me this saying that he must of heard I like Firemen ~ haha, laugh, laugh. I just role my eyes and say, "I give you permission to push him off a ladder."

Fire Guy's eyes light up, "So can I punch him now?" For months Fire Guy has been asking me if he could just punch X for everything he has done. And I keep telling him no. Besides I think if anyone has first dibs it would be Blondie.

"No you can't punch him," I laugh.

"Well can I at least make him my personal b*tch during training?" He smiles big at this new idea.

Knowing that no matter what I say he will probably do it anyway, with a smile and shake of my head I go ahead and agree.

"Does he know we dated?"

"Fire Guy noone knows me and you dated but me and you," and with a laugh I stand up and walk off.

I don't understand guys at all. I mean at all. Period. That becomes more apparent every day it seems.

I have hopes that since it is so slow I will get to leave early. These hopes are answered as GirlFriend and I duck out and head to the horse sale. Ended up being a fun, yet uneventful night. Its nice to have those every once in awhile.

Saturday..... what did I do Saturday?

Oh yes I went and picked Vixen up at the airport. She has been gone this past week to the beach. Lucky her. While gone I stayed at her house and was woken up every morning (yes I said every morning) at 6:40 a.m. by a bird flying into the bedroom window. He would then flutter at the window and when unsuccessful would move to the next window and after several failed attempts would then land on the ledge. Very persistent little thing.

Beer Before Liquor Never Sicker......

Blondie: How was last night

Me: Before or after I puked in a Dr Pepper Bottle?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I arrived at Vixen's house after work. We had some time before we had to be ready so we drank a few beers and Vivi, Vixen and myself took turns battling at SingStar. I had some reservations about the night knowing it would be a big crowd (some friends, some foes) coming together to celebrate Marine 1 and Marine 2 being home from Iraq.

Our ride arrived and the 3 of us piled in the back of the Tahoe. We had pre-gamed fairly well and I could feel my slight buzz as we headed south. We arrived at the club and quickly hugged Marine 1 and Marine 2. I was so glad that they were home safe. Soon there was a beer in my right hand, a shot in my left. Mistake Number 1. A toast was made and down the hatch. Soon we hit the dance floor and the time started to slip away.

As I danced with Marine 2 I glance to my left and see Vivi and then I notice who she is dancing with.... Fire Guy. It took all I had not to laugh, cause Vivi has never been his biggest fan so it was amusing. I was happy everyone was getting along and having fun. We all continued dancing and I knew I had had a little to much to drink when I suddenly realized I was no longer dancing with Marine 2 but with Fire Guy. Ah well. The beer was flowing way to smoothly and I should have known better than to take the shots that kept being offered to me. Should have. I have always been able to hold my liquor. This was my first night out really, seriously drinking beer. Normally my poison of choice is vodka. It never does me wrong. But the beer, Jager, and Crown.... well not so much.

The night became a blur, some of which I don't really remember. Which may be a good thing. I don't remember leaving the club. Laughing with GirlFriend about the night. Nor do I remember much of the ride home. I do remember closing my eyes trying to breath calmly, I can feel my stomach churning. I'm in the back. Of a brand new Tahoe. Brand new in that friends parents own a Chevy dealership and let us take it off the lot for the night out so we could all ride together and have a DD. In my drunken stupor I know it's coming. I know there is no time to get stopped and me get over the 3 people I would have to go around to get out of the car. In the back with me is a half bottle of Dr. Pepper. You see where this is going. So I puked in the Dr. Pepper bottle. Yeah. Apparently that took talent. I am so not proud. This is why I normally try to refrain from drinking mass quantities when going out. Because one can easily make an ass of themselves. Which I'm sure I did.

This morning Vivi shined a little light on Vixen and myself's lack of knowledge of the night before. Vixen kissed a random person. And I, well I threw up at the club as well. Great. I am so embarrassed. That is very out of character for me. I never get sick. Nor do I ever drink so much when out that my memory is fuzzy (or absent).

Lesson of the night: when going out if going to drink stick with liquor. Beer may be cheaper but the repercussions are costly. And so not worth it.

What was I thinking?

Ted, "How quickly you all forget! I haven't puked since high school. I am vomit-free since '93! Vomit-free...since '93; that's funny, I'm funny!" [opens cell phone]
Lily, "Who are you calling?"
Ted, "Robin."
Marshall, "Whoa, bad idea jeans."
Barney, "No no, it's a great idea. That's the whole point of getting drunk; you do things that you'd never do in a million years if you were sober."

~ How I Met Your Mother ~

25

So like a virus the "25 Things" post has spread on Facebook like wildfire!! I've been putting it off and putting it off but after being tagged several times I figured what the heck and gave in and posted it. And of course while writing it I could not think of anything to say, but once done I thought of all the things I should have said. Isn't that how it always goes! But really how honest are we on these sorta things? I mean I told 25 things but of course I was perhaps not as honest as I should have been. So here under my blanket of anonymity I will tell my 25 "truths" per say.

1. At 26 I am no where near where I thought I would be in life; I have yet to take life by the horns and make things happen in my career. Instead I just seem to have the cruise control set.
2. I miss living alone.
3. I took everyone's advice last week and told X to never call me again........ I wish I could say I haven't spoken to him since but still trying to tie up lose ends with the house.... well you see where this is going..... he has called....... But today, ah today I stood up to him and stood my ground. All over a wooden block full of knives (you know what I'm talking about? One that sits nicely on the kitchen counter?). Anyway I stood my ground and wouldn't let him have them. Petty? Perhaps.... but when you consider how much money and all he owes me and the fact I bought them.... no its not petty. I was nice about it and told him he could have our other set of knives but not that one. I could tell he was mad.
4. Being me, the person who always wants everybody to be happy and get along, felt bad and almost called him back and told him he could have the knives. But I didn't. Haven't heard from him sense. Very childish on his part. Perhaps this will make him stop calling.
5. I'm tired of stressing about money and the lack of it.
6. Some days I wish things could work out with Mr. Big ~ other days I'm thankful they haven't.
7. Rock Of Love is one of my weaknesses (it's like a train wreck ~ poor Brett when's he ever going to learn).
8. I'm ready for summer and everything that goes along with it! Warm weather, flip flops, road trips, etc.
9. I worry about my little brother (he's not really my little brother but may as well be) who leaves for the Army in June.
10. Secretly I want to take Trouble up on his offer and get on a plane and go spend a week at the beach.
11. I realize that even though I have gotten older the guys that hit on me have stayed the same age...... I take it's because I'm short I do look younger than I am.
12. Is it bad I have even considered going out with one of these younger boys? In my defense I thought he was older than he was till just a few days ago..... well that goes for 2 of them.
13. Some days I'd like to pack my bags in the car and just drive. No plan. Nothing. Just see where I end up. And start over from there.
14. I'm ready to have a family and kids (Vivi is thinking I'm crazy right about now as she reads this).
15. I think I'm starting to like beer, which I hate to admit, but oh how I miss rum!!
16. I'm not really sure I'm ready to date. Someone told me it would take me 2 and 1/2 years to get over X. That scares the hell out of me. I know its like when you fall off a horse the best thing to do is get back on..... But since Fire Guy I haven't even really met a guy I would want to go on a date with. Is it that I'm scared of getting hurt? Or that I miss X?
17. I think some of my earlier posts were more entertaining and insightful than those I have written in the past few months. Ready to get out of this funk I've been in. Maybe I need a vacation...... or just the money to pay for a vacation........
18. I miss nights with "the boys" (Don Juan, Big, Trouble, Lil Bro, and random Guy Friends).
19. I went back and bought the black heals (and they were on sale even more).
20. Out of all the guys I've ever dated Fire Guy was the nicest and I miss hanging out ~ He always took me to do the most random, fun stuff! Had we met at another point in my life I think I may have considered him a worthy candidate for a long term relationship
21. I tell everyone my magic number is 4 ~ really it's 6 but I think 2 cross each other out. Either way Vixen and I refuse to go above 10 and last year I was to broken-hearted/trying-to-rebound and didn't handle Crown to well on an occasion. Besides if I don't remember it, it didn't happen or if it did it obviously wasn't that good therefor it shouldn't count. At least that is what I will go by and refuse to admit to what may or may not have been a drunken night escapade.
22. There is a museum exhibit I'm really wanting to go see and I have a feeling I will have to sucker someone into going with me soon.....
23. I realized yesterday that my size 4 jeans are becoming to lose and that I may have to go back down to a size 2. Most girls would be thrilled with this.... me not so much. For one I don't have the money to buy new jeans and two I'm happy the way I am. This sounded really crazy but hey I warned you 25 random things.
24. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to let some of my friends read this blog.... mainly Vixen and Conscious. But I know if I do I would stop being as honest.
25. I want to be swept off my feet.

"I'm not good or real...I'm evil, and imaginary."

~ Karen, Will & Grace ~

Who? What?

This week has been a little busy to say the least. After working at the office all day I then head to Sports Bar where I have been working in the evenings. So after 3 straight days of working 14-15 hour days last night I should have went home and went to bed. Should have being the key words here. But I was pumped. I love the atmosphere at Sports Bar. The night was young and we weren't busy so I was able to sneak out early. Vivi has been telling me I need to live a little so a quick call to Punk-Rock-Chick and I had a wingman. We head to another bar in town, and upon arrival place our drink order. I'm still trying to become a beer girl. But I just..... I don't know.... I'm more a whisky/liquor kind of girl. But I take my beer in determination hoping that it will be an acquired taste. I smile as we make our way around the bar stopping to mingle with familiar faces.

Now to back up for a moment, Fire Guy and one of his friends have come into Sports Bar twice this week while I was working (last night being one of those) and I have waited on them both times. And for the short period Fire Guy and I "dated/hung out/what-ever-you-call-it" no one really knew we were together. Now several months later apparently word is just getting around. I have been asked about 4 times in the past week if we are dating. Then someone last night while I was working jokingly said, "you better behave." I looked at them questioningly not sure what they meant and asked, "Why?" The reply, "Cause your boyfriends here." Pause. Another puzzled look. "Aren't you dating Fire Guy?" The puzzle pieces in my head click as I laughed and responded while shaking my head, "No, no." Guess the small town gossip mill is running behind.

Anyway ~ as I make my way thru the bar there sits Fire Guy's friend he says hello so Punk-Rock-Chick and I stop for a minute to chat. Second words out of his mouth, "Fire Guy's here somewhere." I wanted to reply, "Ok thanks and your telling me this because........" but I just bite my tongue trying to keep my smart ass remarks to myself. After a few minutes we bid ado and Punk-Rock-Chick and I claim a table where we sit shouting over the music to make conversation. I love hanging with Punk-Rock-Chick, she is so laid back and always fun to be around. Before long her boyfriend arrives along with several other friends who join us at the table. We sit talking and laughing. Punk-Rock-Chick, GirlFriend, and myself hit the dance floor leaving the guys with our purses and the table.

Time passes and Fire Guy comes thru the crowd in search of me. We talk and as a slow song comes on he takes my hand and asks me to dance. His strong arms wrapped around me pulling me close as we swayed with the music. He smelled wonderful. I'm not sure what kind of cologne he was wearing but it was defiantly take-me-in-your-arms-and-don't-let-go intoxicating!! lol I'm such a sucker for a guy that smells good. Any guy taking notes here ~ Girls love a guy that smells good! Anyway where was I.... Oh yes, Fire Guy and I slow dancing. As the song ended he took my hand and led me off the dance floor. With a quick hug I returned to my other friends. All of which give me those big grins but thankfully kept their thoughts to themselves. The girls and I danced some more, laughing having a good time. For those few short hours I was carefree and, as a Vivi has told me to do numerous times, enjoying myself. Each time a slow song would come on Fire Guy would appear to take my hand and sweep me off my feet. While dancing we were talking, I don't even remember about what, and I said something about us being friends. At this he laughed and kissed the top of my head, "We're more than friends." Being quite a bit shorter than him I'm sure he did not see the WTF expression that crossed my face as he said this. I let the comment go figuring it was more the beer talking then him. It was nice to dance. Nice to be held. Heck even nice to hear the meaningless words (I say meaningless because if anything I have learned while being single that guys say alot of crap they don't mean). And I guess I have to admit out of all the guys I have ever dated Fire Guy is the nicest.

The night goes on ~ I actually got hit on by two other guys, which was a nice self-esteem boast but odd. I was sober, only drinking one beer, dancing with my girls laughing having a good time. Guess that goes to show when your looking for guys you won't find them, when you aren't looking they appear. I even had a guy ask for my number. He is a friend of GirlFriends BF so I thought what the heck and actually gave it to him. I mean what do I have to lose? I still kinda have a crush on Fire Guy but I mean I think we all know that's not going to go anywhere. So guess we shall see.

Periodically Fire Guy would appear and put his arm around me, or hug me, probably making it appear to anyone looking that we were actually together. Why do guys do that? Act interested if they're not?

By 1:30 I knew it was time to go I went to tab out and pay for the 2 beers I had had only to find out they had already been paid for. That was a nice surprise. Fire Guy tells his friend bye that he's going also and he asks me to wait for him and he'll walk me out. I tell my other friends bye and together Fire Guy and I head out in to the cold night.

As he walks me to my car I feel slightly unsure. Unsure I guess of him and the situation. As we approach my car he grabs my arm and pulls me in for a hug. He pulls me close, tightly wrapping both arms around me. He holds me close and once again kisses the top of my head as he tells me good night.

Life is full of surprises and 2009...... well it's off to an interesting start......

Kat, "You know what pisses me off? I've been spilling my guts all weekend and I don't know a thing about you."

Nick Mercer, [pause] "I'm allergic to fabric softener. I majored in comparative literature at Brown. I hate anchovies. And I think I'd miss you even if we never met."

~ The Wedding Date ~

The Last Night

Sunday was spent packing, moving boxes ~and you guessed it ~ more packing! Yes after much procrastinating I am getting all my stuff out of the house. As I walked thru the house my footsteps echoing from the emptiness, I couldn't help recall the happy memories X and I had shared in our first home. But also to easily recalled the bad moments to as my eyes came upon a hole in the wall, a mishap from a drunken X falling against a piece of furniture. A hole he had promised to fix but nearly a year later the hole remains, perhaps significant of the hole that was also in our relationship that he never got around to repairing either. Yep slightly ironic I guess.

After several trips only a few stray boxes littered the floor. The house was empty of all personal items the only thing remaining was the appliances, the borrowed kitchen table, the futon, the coffee table, the small TV from the bedroom, and the stereo. Nearly done Vivi and I decide it was time for a much needed food break. On our trip to town we reminisce about our fun nights over the previous seven months in the house. We can't go out like this, we decide. It's just not right. We have to have one last in the house..... I mean heck might as well try to finish off some of the stuff in the liquor cabinet that has acquired over the past months. We weigh our options: Vodka, Cruzan Raspberry Rum, Cruzan Mango Rum, Malibu Coconut Rum, Malibu Passion Fruit Rum, Crown, and 2 bottles of wine. Did I mention I can make some kick ass mixed drinks with Rum?

We pick our poison and figure Vodka is the way to go. Vivi calls Vixen who quickly agrees to the proposed drunken stooper. We hit the store in search of something to mix with the Vodka and stumble upon Strawberry-Kiwi juice. Why we thought this was a good idea I'll never know. But with the Blender lost somewhere in box land there would be no frozen drinks in our future.

We arrive back at the house to find Vixen with a devilish grin on her face as she produces the infamous red cups. I shake my head knowing I'm in for a long night. Now think - we spent all day moving everything out of the house only to then move back blankets and pillows and the items I would need to get ready the next morning.

As I mixed the first round of potion Vivi and Vixen set up the table for beer pong. Don't know why but we've been on a kick lately..... yes while at the store we bought ping pong balls. The stereo is turned on and we laugh as we go thru old Cd's listening to songs I hadn't heard since High School. As we play the game it is apparent we are on a mission and that mission is to say good bye to the house with a night we may not remember. At one point some of the concoction spills on my always mopped floor and I don't even flinch. Normally the clean freak in me would have been all over that with the swifter mop all ready out. But somehow I have come to grasp it's no longer my house and don't feel the urge to try and keep it perfect.

The conversations are interesting as we discuss our choices in men. In that we all have a pattern of dating the wrong guys. Why is that? Why do we go for the guys with the asshole attitudes? Why do we go for the guys we know will break our hearts? I mean I'll admit even though I myself have always been viewed by others as the 'good girl', I always date the guys that have a reputation for being a little bit trouble (maybe that's the right word?). I like the type of guy who is a little ruff around the edges and not afraid to get his hands dirty, but at the same time can clean up and look nice to...... Heck PL, X, and Big can all fall into this pattern - even Fire Guy for that matter. Perhaps I need to break the pattern...... but some habits are hard to break.

The games go by quickly and before I know it I'm stumbling as I lay the futon out. Vivi places the air mattress also in the living room and we blow it up laughing all the while at each other. It's after midnight, the vodka is gone and so is one bottle of rum (just to point out they were not full bottles to start with) and my head is spinning. I quickly fall asleep and have that great sleep you can only have when you have reached a certain level ~ you know that peaceful, dreamless sleep.

All to soon my alarm sounds. My head pounds as I switch it off and head for the bathroom. Yeah I had to be at work this morning..... Vivi and Vixen had off. I now see the error of this late thought out plan. And for all you math people beer pong - beer + vodka = bad idea. Why it ever sounded like a good idea I may never know. I'll chalk it up to adrenaline rush euphoria excitement.

My head pounded, the room was spinning, and my stomach churned as I attempted my morning routine. I contemplated calling in sick. Something I have never done when hung over because honestly I really don't drink that much (at least to the point I feel this bad the next day). This morning calling in sick was definitely an option. But I sucked it up and headed for work stopping at the gas station for my normal cure all of pretzels and Dr Pepper. Last night it was fun to be young and carefree. It was great to be with two of my best friends. I don't remember the last time I truly laughed that much. The last night in the house. I may not remember all the moments but I will never forget the laughter. It's always good to end things on a good note.

"Were we all, in fact, just dating the same person over and over again?"

~ Carrie, SATC ~

Can a Relationship Bring You Back to Life?

In a search of a topic to write about I visited Carrie's diary in search of a question that I felt I may have the answer to. I may start doing this as a weekly column.... Of course it's just my opinion..... Anyway as I searched thru the questions I stumbled upon one of interest, "Can a relationship bring you back to life?" As soon as I read the question I knew my own personal answer. In fact several months back I wrote a short story that basically answered this question.......

Everyone had always said she lived in her own little bubble. And that was ok with her. But as he stood before her and she looked into his eyes she realized how naive she really was. Here before her was a man who had seen so many things that she couldn’t even imagine. His eyes held countless stories of tragedies and sorrow. As he told her of a call he had worked the previous night she felt a wave of sadness wash over her. A young boy still in high school had been driving down the road minding his own business. Never realizing his life was about to change. Then before him a figure appeared in the middle of the road. He slammed on the breaks. It was to late to stop; there was nowhere to swerve. Another young boy, to young to die, had been walking in the middle of the road for no apparent reason. Maybe it was his time to go, but at fifteen she thought it was way to soon.

As he recounted the story to her she could hear the melancholy in his voice. She longed to hug him and hold him close. His eyes had seen so many lives taken all to soon. At the same time he had also saved lives of those God was not yet ready to call home. She couldn’t imagine what it must be like to rush into a burning building; the adrenaline pumping threw your body, your eyes stinging from the smoke. Or to be called to the scene of a car wreck where you try to save the lives of those within but knowing in your heart it’s to late. He was modest, rarely being one to talk about work and the calls he ran. He was a hero whether he wanted to admit it or not. An everyday hero that many people took for granite. She knew it must take a special person to do his line of work and that made him all the more special to her.

She wondered if he realized that he had saved her as well. It was not as obvious. There was no emergency call, no fire, no accident. In away he had saved her from herself. She had been unhappy for so long. So long that she forgot what it was like to really smile; not the fake smile she kept up for the world, but to really smile out of genuine happiness. He had brought her back to life. Opened her eyes again to the beautiful world around them. To some he may appear to be just your average guy, but she knew better he was hero.

As I'm sure you can guess I wrote this story about Fire Guy and to him I will forever be grateful. Even though things didn't work out he helped bring me back to life. He helped me to see that nice guys do exist. I guess he gave me hope and helped me to see why things did not work out with X. So yes, with a huge breath of fresh air I do think a relationship can bring you back to life.

"Today I had a thought. What if I... what if I had never met you?"

~ Carrie, SATC ~

A Blessing or A Curse

This morning I awoke with the feeling today would be a good day. Why? I don't know just that feeling you get that things are bound to go your way. I mean think we can all agree luck has not been on my side recently.... But I'm still waiting for that to change at any time. After showering I pull on a black tank top then slip on my cute Express crop top sweater and favorite jeans. Everyone has that one outfit that flatters them and even though this sweater is not really my color, it matched with a shirt underneath and black heals always makes me feel attractive. I guess cause I'm short I like it cause it makes my torso appear slightly longer and makes me look slim. And no matter how skinny you are sometimes it's nice to accent those curves. So I leave the house feeling good. Work goes well, kinda slow but seeing as it was Friday everyone was in good spirits.


This afternoon Giggles had a meeting with Fire Guy's step-mom (here on out referred to as Fire Mom) and before hand she tells me she is going to bring up Fire Guy and see if she can find out what happened. I tell her not to but all the while I know that no matter what I say she is still going to do it. Well not only did she having a meeting but an important folder was causally left at my office so that I had to bring it to this meeting. I walk in the door and all eyes are on me. Giggles eyes dance as Fire Mom says "Oh we were just talking about you!" I smile and flush while stammering the usual "Hope it was good" line. So I end up here for longer than planned talking with Fire Mom, her asking about my life and saying how when it warms up we need to go riding horses. No matter what I just love Fire Mom she is seriously probably one of the nicest people I have ever met! She is definitely in the top five! I say my goodbyes and exit feeling slightly flustered. I hurry home to feed Hyper and the horses then head back to town for diner with Babbles and her husband.


Now I broach the topic: why is it before you date someone you never run into them? But as soon as you stop dating you see this person everywhere?! I mean really is that like Mother Nature trying to be a bitch or something? I agree with a Miranda (SATC) quote I posted awhile back, "I'm more like... we didn't work out. You need to not exist." But oh no that's not the case with me... it seems like every week I run into Fire Guy somewhere! Before we 'hung-out/dated/what-ever-you-call-it' I never ran into him, now it's as if he's everywhere. And it's not like I'm going to new places, I mean I'm pretty much a creature of habit. So on the way to diner why am I not surprised when Babbles sends me a text saying that Fire Guy is at the restaurant with a friend. I mean of course he is that is how my "luck" tends to go. And I hate myself for still slightly crushing on him. But I walk in as if I own the place, always good to appear confidant. Sportsbar is packed, I deposit my purse and jacket at the table Babbles and her husband have claimed and go to make my rounds. Hugging friends and saying hellos. I stop at the booth Fire Guy and his friend occupy both of them smiling in greeting. We exchange hello's and small talk and I quickly excuse myself, not wanting to overstay my welcome, and rejoin Babbles who is grinning like a fool. I swear sometimes they make me feel like we have been transported back to high school and Fire Guy is the cute quarterback who all my friends want to set me up with. But like high school that never really worked. The more you press someone, or appear obvious - the chances of it actually working decrease. You know I'm right. Sucks but that seems to be part of the game. Some unforeseen rule.

So we eat diner, Fire Guy and his friend leave before we do and he stops to say good bye. Also as we are eating some of X's friends come in and I silently hope that he to does not walk thru the door as well. Guess Mother Nature decided to give me a break on that one. At least she can be kind at times.

After I leave I return a missed call to Giggles who informs me that yes she did talk about me with Fire Mom. And Giggles being blunt told Fire Mom that she needed to put in a good word for me and that all my friends really liked him and thought we were a good match. Really my friends have good intentions, at least that's what I tell myself. Giggles said at this point Fire Mom started singing my praises saying that they just loved me and she had told him that he needed to hold on to me, that I was a great girl and basically I was their favorite of any girl he has brought home thus far. Yeah no pressure.... She then proceeds to tell Giggles that he went on a date with some girl from out of town and that they did not care for her and that she was not nearly as friendly as me, yadda yadda yadda.

Interpretation Fire Mom expressed to Fire Guy that they really liked me which in turn probably freaked Fire Guy out because I clearly expressed I was not looking for a relationship and here they are saying basically we need to be in a relationship. That topped with the fact he knew I was still slightly hung up on X..... oh yeah that should have been enough to send the boy running. Like how I justify things to myself?! I'm a pro at that! So one step at a time. Maybe we'll date again in the future, if not at least I've gained a new friend. And I know that if I ever needed Fire Guy he would be there. He passes my "If I were broke down on the side of the road would he come get me" test. Yeah that is how I rate my guy friends. Some friends you know would come get you no questions asked; while others are not so dependable. Yeah I think Fire Guy would at least fall into the first category.

For some reason I am always GREAT with the families. Maybe that is how I will know when I have met "the one".... his family won't like me. lol I mean PL (my first major boyfriend) his mom kept in touch with me for years, and I only really lost contact with her when I became engaged to X. Still though if I see her out she stops me and wants to talk. And X well I guess my theory with him is you divorce spouses not family seeing as I still talk to his brother and his aunt. And from the conversation today it appears that I will be riding with horses with Fire Mom and Sis come spring (which I really like both so could be fun but still). Maybe it's a curse? Or a blessing? Maybe I'm just to like-able :)

Nick, "Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close... your... eyes. You're safe. You can relax. I'm not going to kiss you. He's gonna be so sorry he lost you, so stop worrying. Forget the past. Forget the pain. And remember what an incredible woman you are. You do that and he'll realize what he lost."

Kat, "Holy crap. You're worth every penny."

~ The Wedding Date ~

Life's A Dance

Today I got off work and hustled over to Sports Bar for my first night of waitressing. I'll admit I was a little nervous! Yet excited, cause tonight Blondie would also be working the floor with me. Let me tell you I feel so alive and energized! I enjoy the fast paced atmosphere of working at Sports Bar and the people are great! And of course I'm there for less than 30 minutes and who walks in but Fire Guy. I used to never see him anywhere now it seems I run into him at least once a week. He comes up and gives me hug and talks to me by the bar for a minute than goes and joins his friend at one of Blondie's tables. I was relieved that he was in Blondie's section, cause let's face I still feel kinda weird around him. While grabbing drinks Blondie elbows me and gives me the eye. I smile at her but ignore the eye raise and keep going. I wait on my tables and almost forgot he was there until Blondie ask if I will get him a water. I avoid her obvious setup and get the water delivering it with a smile and continue about my tables. Swirling and twirling like a fast paced dance I am learning the steps to.

The night slows down and I stand by the bar keeping an eye on my tables. Fire Guy and his friend get up to leave. His friend smiles, waves at me, says his goodbyes and heads out the door . Fire Guy comes and takes a seat beside where I stand at the end of the bar. We participate in small talk and he asks how my week has been. I tell him about Hyper and he goes from panic (at her being hit), to somber (when I tell him she'll be ok), to anger (as he asks who hit her). He asks which neighbor it is all prepared to go tell them off. I calm him down explaining it was my elderly neighbor who has since stopped twice to check on her. After a few more minutes of conversation the awkwardness seems to come up as he leans over to give me a hug goodbye.

The rest of the night went good and now I am home enjoying the CMA awards! I'm such a music girl... I love pretty much all kinds of music.

Hyper update: I spoke with the vet today and they said she is doing good. She is sitting up on her own which is a good sign, and her surgery was scheduled for today. I did not hear back from them, and I know how busy they are so I didn't call back today. I figured no news is good news. Now just to wait a few more days till she can come back home!

Yes, I enjoy working at Sport Bar. It helps keep my mind off of X for a short time and all the craziness of everyday life. And it's nice to earn a little extra money! Life's a dance sometimes it's a slow one, sometimes it's a fast one but slowly I'm learning the steps.

"Life's a dance you learn as you go, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow, don't worry about what you don't know, life's a dance you learn as you go..."

~From John Michael Montgomery's, Life's A Dance ~

Election Day

Sorry wrote last night but internet problems so couldn't post, so day behind....


Ok rarely do I get on the soapbox but tonight by golly I am climbing up! I have been at the local courthouse for about the past four hours and have just watched my county pretty much go to hell in a hand basket so to speak. Now I am not one to get to involved in politics. Well maybe first I should paint the setting for you…. Giggles father is an elected official in our county and has been for as long as I can remember and this was the first year that I can recall he has had someone run against him. So I went to the courthouse to be with Giggles and her family to await the election results and show my support. Anxiously I paced the floor and explored the nearly empty courthouse with Giggles slightly older cousin. And whom do I run into but Fire Guy, as I mentioned previously, his father is also running for a local office. I do the mature thing, i.e. smile, say hi, and continue to keep walking with the self-satisfaction of knowing he is watching me walk away.

Seeing him I felt slightly flustered and I know the only reason I even kinda/sorta want him at times is because I think I can’t have him, and let’s face it I don’t like to lose. Yes, I am the type of girl that generally gets what I want. Now don’t get me wrong it’s not that I am that lucky/spoiled it’s just if I want something I will work hard to get it. And even though I have had my fair share of broken hearts I have never in my years had the tables turned so quickly on me as they did with Fire Guy. Hence the intrigue I guess.

So we waited in Giggles father’s office for the results while munching on finger foods and cookies. All of a sudden my phone goes off signaling a text from Fire Guy who is in another part of the courthouse saying they are about to start posting some of the precincts results. Giggles and I head to the main courtroom and take seats. Fire Guy comes and takes a seat next to me. We sat and impatiently watched as the early tallies roll across the screen. With a heavy heart I see both Giggles and Fire Guy’s dads results are down. But it is still early in the night. As Giggles wonders off Fire Guy and I participate in small talk and I’ll admit I was surprised he stationed himself with Giggles and myself to watch the results.

Time goes on and more and more votes come in. In the end they both lost. Both close races but both nonetheless defeats. So I rant… As stated before I live in a small town, which in the past few years has been invaded with people moving in. What used to be a small every-one-knows-everyone town has quickly given way, the good ‘ol boy system is not as in tact, and the true dirty politics has come out. The person who beat Giggles father is as qualified for the job she was elected, as I am to walk on the moon. Ignorance does not even begin to describe the type of person she is. The main thing I cannot understand is how she won? I mean do people vote without studying up on the candidates? I mean this woman made all kinds of false claims and said that if elected she would bring about what she claimed to be new policies which in fact were already in place under Giggles father and if she would have done her research she would known this. She painted herself to be a fool by making false promises. What I do not understand is how do people believe these false promises? I will state this for the record within a year people will regret their vote. I believe that without a doubt. Hell maybe I should run for an elected official next term, cause as I saw today you don’t have to be qualified or even smart to get elected. You just got to know the right people.

And what sucks is now Giggles will be out of a job. We were all upset at the results tonight but all I could do was hug Giggles and let her cry. It sucks when things are out of your hands. I hate being unhappy but I would take being unhappy any day if it would mean one of my close friends could be happy. I wanted to tell her it would all be ok, but with my current job status I was in no place to console fears. So I did the only thing I could do. I told her I loved her and no matter I what I would always be there for her.

Ok, deep breathe, that was my rant.

I also spoke with X today about house matters. For the past month I have talked to him just about everyday. Is that good or bad? Your guess is just as good as mine!

And Fire Guy? I’m placing him in the “just friends” box, at least for the time being. Upon telling Blondie about the interaction with Fire Guy this evening she responds, “I’m telling you he really really likes you!!!” I think she is just a hopeless romantic who still thinks Fire Guy is my knight in shining armor. But you know what everyone needs that friend that has hope we will all find love even when you yourself have lost that faith.

"I don't think you're an idiot at all. I mean, there are elements of the ridiculous about you. Your mother's pretty interesting. And you really are an appallingly bad public speaker. And, um, you tend to let whatever's in your head come out of your mouth without much consideration of the consequences... But the thing is, um, what I'm trying to say, very inarticulately, is that, um, in fact, perhaps despite appearances, I like you, very much. Just as you are."

~ Mark Darcy, Bridget Jones's Diary ~

Trick or Treat

Ah today is Halloween, a day for bats and ghouls and things that go bump in the night! I don't know why but I have always loved Halloween and with it falling on a Friday this year I was hoping to attend a haunted house or something tonight. Instead I will be working at Sports Bar. Bartender's father is not doing well so she is out of town and called and asked if I could help out tonight. Of course I said yes. And I can use the extra money so tonight I look forward to putting on my bartending cap.

It is a beautiful day outside and from where I sit at my new desk, that is strategically placed so I can see out the window, I see a fire truck pull up to the curb in front of my office. And out climbs Fire Guy. You have got to be kidding me! On slow days I know that they go around the county testing fire hydrants. Apparently today is the day for the one in front of my office building to be tested. So I sit at my desk and stare/drool as I gaze out the window. The windows are tinted so I know he can't see in therefor I make no move to pretend not to stare but stare openly. He looks great in his uniform I won't lie. And the fire department t-shirt clings to his muscles just right as he releases what I could only assume was the valve on the hydrant.

Blondie is meeting me here for lunch and one can only hope she makes it before they leave. But as he returns to the Fire Truck I see the familiar focus zoom in the parking lot. And they are gone of course by the time I make it outside. Blondie laughs giving me a hard time and admitting that he does look cute in uniform. She says he waved at her and she waved back. For some reason Blondie and Vixen had high hopes for Fire Guy. They both thought he had great potential. And Blondie stands by the fact she thinks he still does. I on the other hand am on the fence about the whole matter. But Blondie is convinced that he started to fall for me and got scared and that he wants to give me ample time to get over X before pursuing me. Sounds good in theory I guess.

Back to tonight Blondie is bringing by her new guy to Sports Bar. I met him last week at the Halloween party and he seemed really nice. I'm just happy she's happy!

“You fantasize about a man with a Park Avenue apartment and a nice big stock portfolio...For me, it's a fireman with a nice big hose."

~ Samantha ~

Mixed Signals & Second Thoughts

Tuesday night Vixen, Giggles, Conscious and myself ventured out into the cold night for diner in celebration of Conscious’s birthday. And the new rule is: if we go to diner at a place that serves alcohol you get a birthday shot, if we go to a place that does not serve alcohol we will have the staff sing you happy birthday. Unfortunately for Conscious she had chose the latter of the two, which caused Giggles to come up with the rule. Needless to say Conscious was embarrassed but we all enjoyed sharing the free birthday ice cream.

Once back home I was getting ready for bed and my phone went off informing me of a new text message. I assumed it was Vivi, Blondie, or Babbles so I continued my bedtime routine. As I climbed into bed I picked up my phone and there was his name. A name I hadn’t seen on my display for almost a month: Fire Guy. I hesitated slightly in surprise, my finger lingering over the read button. I pressed the button and the message read, “So are you alive?” My brow furrowed as I reread the words. I hit reply and said “Yeah…… lol why?” I know, I know not the best reply but I’ll be honest I was a little bit in shock. A minute later my phone went off signaling a reply, “Just checking. Hadn’t talked to you in awhile.” I typed out another reply still wondering what was up. As you can see I always expect ulterior motives. The third message brought the motive to the surface, he asked about X. Apparently even though X and I were telling no one that we were talking the word was out. That’s the thing about a small town even if you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else always does. I replied vaguely refusing to commit to anything, the response “I just don’t want you get to get hurt! Because you are a good girl!!!!” Pause WTF??!!! This from the guy who pretty much dumped me in a text message with no reason other than ‘this isn’t working’? I guess the pitbull in me came out as I replied with this thought along with a “Besides why do you care?” His response still leaves me confused, “Because I don’t want you to get hurt by him again! Because he does not care about you E! Just follow your heart and it will lead you in the right way!” The conversation continued for sometime after this. Me setting the record straight that I wasn’t sure what was going on with X, which was the truth, and him basically telling me to run as far from X as I can. I should state here that I never bad talked X to Fire Guy. In fact I usually followed any bad statement with ‘he’s really a nice guy’ to which Fire Guy would respond along the lines, “No he’s not he’s a douche bag.” Numerous messages later as we said our good nights the last message of the night read, “I just want what is best for you! And he is not what is best for you! Just follow your heart! Good night!”

I lay awake that night wondering if he was right. I have told all my friends that I don’t want their opinions and that I want to make this decision on my own, with that in mind I don’t really talk to them about the matter. Now here is Fire Guy who is worried about X hurting me again. I still don’t understand why it is that he cares? I mean if it were Big it would make sense he’s always been the, if-I-can’t-have-you-I-don’t-want-anyone-else-to-have-you-type-guy in my life (even when he doesn’t want me he doesn’t want anyone else to have me). Fire Guy has never seemed to be that type however, hence the confusion on my part.

Just when you think you have it all figured out life throws you a curve a ball. I had crushed on Fire Guy and was truly sad when it ended. I mean even now I can distinguish the sound of a fire engine siren, which I couldn’t before because I never paid that much attention, and if one shall pass I look. Do I want to see him or did it just become habit in that short time period? I’m afraid I don’t know the answer to my own question.

The next morning I awoke a million questions still running through my mind. I felt like I had left stuff unsaid the night before and typed out a rather long message in which I sent to Fire Guy, “I’ve thought a lot about what you said. Maybe your right but like I told you before I never believed in divorce I guess I thought that years from now if I knew I’d tried everything I wouldn’t look back with regrets because it wasn’t my fault it didn’t work. But I guess fool me once shame on you fool me twice shame on me. And as far as following my heart goes I don’t think I trust it anymore! anyway thank you and thanks for caring. I appreciate it!” He didn’t reply and I wasn’t surprised.

I’m doing this for myself and the reasons I expressed in the message. I want to know that I tried everything to make it work between X and myself. Up to this point I have regrets and wish I would have addressed the problem at the time. I can’t fix the past but I can learn from it. I want to know that if it doesn’t work with X it’s not because I didn’t try. I don’t want to look back years from now saying coulda, shoulda, woulda. In the morning light though I faced the mirror deciding that I have tried and now I must wait. Days before as a last effort I had suggested marriage counseling. I looked myself in the eye and told myself that if he said no to counseling than I would let him go and once again work on moving on.

Around 5 o’clock I received a message from X reading, “Ok. I want to go talk to someone. U r right about me not opening up and I think that doing that will let us know once and for all if there is anything left. I still feel something for u and since I’m not sure what it is, talking to someone about it may help.”

Will he actually go with me to a counselor? I don’t know. This is X we are talking about and he tends to change his mind, sometimes rather suddenly. This may blow up in my face, or it may be the new beginning of a great romance. Either way I am still taking everything day by day. Not getting my hopes up. I am neither positive nor negative on the situation preferring to stay neutral until the counselor’s appointment is made.

And Fire Guy? I shake my head still in confusion. Yeah my life is definitely shaken not stirred.

“Wouldn’t life be perfect if sweat pants were sexy; Monday’s were fun; junk food didn’t make you fat;

girls didn’t cause so much drama and guys weren’t so confusing; nothing was regrettable;

and goodbyes only meant until tomorrow.”

~ Unknown ~

What Happened to the Answers Being At The Back of the Book?

Remember the good ol days in school when doing math homework and you just couldn't figure out the answer? When lost you could always flip to the back of the book and there the answer was. The problem left then was how to get to that answer. If you have a and c sometimes it's easier to figure out b (a+b=c ~ get where I'm going?) In life wouldn't it be nice if you could flip forward a couple chapters and see the answers to the questions that surround us? I feel like I have a but I'm lost with b and c if only I knew c then I could figure out b which is what I should be doing now. Yeah perhaps the train has jumped the tracks and my metaphors just aren't quite working this morning......


Last night went good. But still not sure where to go from here. Diner was good. We watched a movie. Then due to storms the power went out. After some searching by phone light I was able to find the box the candles were packed up in. So by candlelight we sat on the couch and discussed topics that were perhaps easier discussed in the dim light. But still uncertainty remains on both parts. So many emotions, so many memories, so many factors. So little answers.


Maybe I'm to impatient. I'm ready for the ball to be rolling. I'm ready for life to move forward. But at this crossroad, which way do I go? I keep praying and looking for a clear sign or flashing billboard that says "GO THIS WAY" but as of yet none has appeared. :) So for now I will continue to take it one step at a time.


On to other topics...... today is my Grandpa's 88th birthday! I'm so lucky/thankful he is still around and hope he will be for more years to come. In celebration I'm going out with the family tonight to eat diner. I'm looking forward to and am glad he is around to celebrate another birthday.

Then tomorrow is game day! My team Vs. Vivi's (college football) team. Think we are all going to get together and cookout at Giggles and her boyfriends house. Should be fun.


Also on an interesting side note. Logged onto myspace this morning and had a message from Fire Guy's sister (who is younger). I had met her twice and she is interested in horses and now has her first one but she is still just learning. She told me she missed me. It was really sweet and I felt really touched. Never having siblings myself I always tend to adopt ones along the way. I wrote her back and told her that if she ever needed help with her horse or needed someone to go riding with to let me know. Because if she is interested in horses she's a sweet girl and I remember being that age therefor I'll help her anyway I can. Is that wrong? I mean when you stop seeing someone should you act like people you met thru them also do not exist? I'm to nice. I could never do that.

One step at a time

There's no need to rush

It's like learning to fly Or falling in love

It's gonna happen and it's

Supposed to happen that we

Find the reasons why

One step at a time

~ Jordan Sparks ~

Roller Coaster Ride of Life

(Ok started this Monday but hectic so finishing today)

Friday night sitting around with friends playing cards and laughing and my phone goes off. It's Fire Guy. I'll admit I was a little shocked, I mean I'd already deleted his number and wrote him off. He broke his hand (which he sent a pic of and it looked awful) and then put "I don't think this is working between me and you." Pause As the card game went on around me I looked at my phone display dumbfounded. Ok......... I wrote back the usual: sorry-about-the-hand-maybe-we-can-still-be-friends. But I'll admit I was slightly bumfuzzeled. I mean he was the one always wanting to hangout, etc. I hate the game of dating. Why the games? I would like to know what happened so as to avoid future similar situations. But oh well. Three steps forward, two steps back.

Packing has been so hard. I keep finding reminders of a time when X and I were happy. Over the years we had some bad times, but we also had so many good times. I guess it's made me start to second guess myself. Now that time has gone by it's like I can look back and see things that should have been done differently. Hind sight is always 20/20 and that can suck sometimes. If I knew then what I knew now I would have done a lot of things differently. But that's the part about learning from your mistakes. Last night I called Conscious for advice and insight..... and I needed a shoulder to cry on. She is always my guiding light. After talking with her I knew I wanted to talk to X about all the emotions I was feeling. She said it may do us good to talk, so I called. He was busy and said he'd call me back. I really didn't think he would...... but as I lay in bed half asleep the phone rang. It was him. It turned into a 3 hour conversation that left me laying at awake at 1:30 a.m. with to many things going thru my mind.

Overall the conversation was good and I think made us both feel better. He told me how hard all of this has been on him and he keeps hearing how good I'm doing and has felt resentment towards me because of it. I was glad to hear he was also doing bad (you know what I mean) and that I wasn't alone. Apparently I just put on a better fake smile then he does. We talked about his joining the military, the house, and about life in general. It was nice to talk to him on a friendly basis's.

Can I get off the emotional roller coaster now?

"Welcome to the real world! It sucks! You're going to love it!"

~ Monica, Friends ~