In My Little Corner Of the World

How is it already February?

Maddie has started walking a few weeks ago, 10 months and walking. We are definitely in trouble!

I guess I haven't updated much on what is going on in life in general lately. So let's see if I can play some catch up.

After Maddie was born I went back to work full time.

I hated it.

When I would leave in the morning she would still be asleep. Marine would take her to the sitter, from which I would pick her up around 6:30. By the time we would get home it would be 7 and I would bath her and feed her and it was time for bed. I would try hard to keep her up to play but by 8 / 8:30pm she just couldn't take it.

I did this for a couple of months and then realized it just wasn't worth it. I had gotten a promotion at work and actually liked my job - and was making dang good money. But it wasn't worth it to me. I was missing out on to much.

And Marine, well I was driving him crazy as well as myself.

So we sat down and started crunching numbers and the "what if's" and came to the decision that we could afford for me to stay home with Maddie.

At that decision I felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off my shoulders.

I know how this might sound to some. And I truly empathize with the single working mom's out there. I don't see how they do it. And if I had no other choice I could have kept doing it. Sucked it up and been thankful for the one hour a day I actually got to see her awake.

At that point some drama was going down at work and I knew it wasn't the right time to turn in my notice. I have never left a job on bad terms and they were good to me while I was on maternity leave so I owed them the respect of being fair to them as well. So I waited a week for things to settle down and then sat down to have the conversation with my boss.

It did not go how I had planned.

I really like my boss but.... it's safe to say she is different then anybody else I have ever worked for. She is just a few years older then myself and she lives and breathes work. She has a family also but work is what comes first to her. Also even though her and I had always gotten along, at times she can be a real witch.

I had a feeling when I told her she would be mad and not even let me work the two week notice I was planning to give.

Instead she broke down and started crying on me.

Not what I expected at all!

She offered me more money.

I thanked her but held my stance and declined. She asked if I would consider working part time.

This was not what I was expecting.

Marine's mom had already said she would still like to keep Maddie one day a week. Marine and I had already discussed that on that day I would work at the restaurant. (I did mention Marine opened a restaurant, right?).

I tell my boss about the one day. To my shock she says that if I would want to work part time I still can.

The end result I go into the office one day a week and then work part time from home the rest of the week.

So while Maddie naps I work or after she goes to bed at night. Which doesn't leave much free time for "me stuff" such as blogging or reading. But I am very thankful. It's nice to still have a little of my own money and to still have my foot in the door.

I enjoy spending the days with Maddie. Teaching her things and letting her teach me things as well.

Marine is still going to school using his GI Bill... and working at the restaurant.... and shoeing horses..... cutting lumber (we know own a small sawmill as well) and about a million other things. The man does not know how to slow down and just relax. If you count it that is 3 jobs he works and goes to school. Yet somehow still finds the time to be a wonderful dad and husband. Not sure how he does it all but I love and appreciate him for it!

In other exciting news.... we also just bought our first house! Everything Marine does happens fast it seems. All major life changing decisions anyway. Examples:
   - One day we talked about getting married and the future. A week later he has proposed and we have      
      eloped and gotten married.
   - He decides he wants to go in with his Step-Dad and open a restaurant  Within 3 weeks they had a      
      restaurant up and going.
   - He comes home one day and says he and his Uncle are going to go in together and buy a sawmill. I just
      say, "Okayyyyy......" A few days later he says they are going to look at a sawmill..... and you guessed it.
      We now have a sawmill.

Marine and I weren't really looking for a house. We have kept our eye on the market and since his mom is an agent we sometimes go look at stuff that seems to be a good deal. Three weeks ago Marine calls and says lets go look at a house. I agree and go to town to meet him and his mom.

Needless to say we walked through the house and Marine says, "I think we should make an offer."

Its an older home and needs some work but all work that Marine can do himself. Plus it is perfect for us in every way.

It's close to my mom - since my dad passed away I admit I don't want to live to far from her. She needs help with the horses and farm and Marine and I want to be close by to help.

It has 6 acres, and a pasture already fenced in. A perfect clearing to build a barn and a big open back yard for Maddie to have a swing set. Plus there is a peaceful little stream flowing through.

It seemed to good to be true.

Within an hour we had put in an offer.

The next day we heard a response that the offer had been accepted.

We close on the house tomorrow.

I'm so excited! It's going to take some work and we don't plan on moving into it for probably another 6 months. But it will be fun painting and working on it together.

I'll be honest it's all happened so fast I haven't even told any of my friends about it, other then Vixen and Giggles. I've almost been afraid to say anything for fear the deal will then fall through.

I'll post pics soon. I definitely want to track the before and afters!

Ross: We think Chandler might be having an affair.

Monica: What?

Rachel: Phoebe and I saw Chandler with a blonde woman today outside on the street and then we followed them to a house in Westchester.

Phoebe: They went in together. So sorry.

Monica: Oh, my God! Oh, my God that's awful! What did you think of the house?

Phoebe: What?

Joey: Monica, you understand what we are saying, right?

Monica: Yeah, sure... Hum, I'm devastated, obviously... (Turning to Phoebe and Rachel) Did you think the neighborhood was homey?

~ Friends ~

Back To Blogging ~ Starting At The Beginning

So I have decided to participate in the SITS Back to Blogging Event. Not that I actually think I have a shot at winning the prize -

Thelma and Louise ~ Washer and Dryer from Electrolux

But more so because I liked the topics and thought it might be fun to look back over the past few years since I started this blog.

On July 29, 2008 I created this blog and posted my first post: 

Welcome

Hello, and welcome all to my version of Sex and the City. That is if Carrie was 25, divorced, starting a new job, and had no clue where her life was going. I have always wanted to write and during this time in my life I have decided to take the cards life has handed me and write about them anonymously in hopes of entertaining people with the twists my life is taking. Most events I write about will be true, however I am reserving the right to take a creative license and embellish a little so as to make them more entertaining. And some events may not be what I did but what instead I wish I would have done. Which posts are fact and which are fiction? That will be for you to decide. So here is to a new chapter in life....

HAHAHAHAHAHA I'm sorry I laugh just re-reading this!

I would like to be able to say that I have used "creative license" or "embellished" but nope. Sorry, everything I've written has been how it happened. I think I really only threw these fancy words in to cover my butt in case my secret-anonymous-blog was ever discovered. Kinda like my own personal built in escape clause.

And "writing about what I wish I would have done" --- again nope. Looking back there are a few posts I wish I could rewrite with what I SHOULD have done. Most of those would have went much like this.....

Mr. Big----> Not a good idea. It never was and never will be. Run like hell and don't look back. Period.

Marine1 -----> Not a good idea. You know it. But there's another Marine out there that's perfect for you!!

Fire Guy ----> He will one day be your brother-in-law and you will pretend like this time in your life never existed. Enjoy the friendship but be glad/thankful it never turns into anything more.

(Mis)Adventures ----> Some of these may not bring about the best memories while others can bring a smile to your face just recalling them. Fun times with friends you'll never regret.

What an Adventure it has been in starting over.

   ~~~~~~~~~

Join me and participate in this SITS Back to Blogging Event.

{ The sponsors of this great event: Standards of Excellence, Westar Kitchen and Bath, and Florida Builder Appliances }

Adventures Of Starting Over

I am a eternal "what if" girl ~ as pointed out some time back by my friend Vivi.

What if I would have done this?

What if I had done that instead?

Now that I'm engaged I've had some people ask me if I was going to change the name of the blog... because I'm no longer a single girl and I am no longer starting over.

I have put some serious thought into it, but then I realized life is all about starting over.

Adventures in Starting Over.

If you think of life in terms of a book, there are many chapters; beginnings and ends. And inevitably you are always starting over at something.

Granted I am no longer a Single Girl starting over. The starting over part is like the advancement to the next chapter.

I am an engaged girl and going thru my first deployment. Learning the in's and out's of loving a Marine and the difficulty and greatness that comes from being in a military relationship.

When he returns we will start the next chapter in life by getting married.

I guess to make a long story short I'm keeping the name: Adventures of Starting Over. Because each day is a new beginning and the start of something fresh.

"It's not about the destination, it's about the ride."

You Must First Let Go Before You Can Ever Move On

Ex's have seemed to be a topic of conversation here lately for some reason. Maybe it's the whole new year thing, perhaps it makes people reflect on the past so as to prepare for the future. I'm not sure.

X and I are one good terms (well good as can be I guess), which I am thankful for. A few days after becoming engaged I even received a nice text from him saying something along the lines - Congrats! Marine is a great guy and I wish you both the best.

Yes, imagine my surprise.

But I am glad we can be on good terms. He has moved on. I have moved on. We are both happy, yet we recognize the fact that we shared nearly 8 years together. Most people would probably think it weird. Me, I'm just glad that we have reached a point we can be happy for each other. There is to much hate in the world already as it is. And life is to short to hold grudges.

Now I know that we are the rare few that actually can get along. And after all that we went thru there at the end just proves if we can get along anyone can.

So Vixen also got engaged recently (that is for another post) - when telling her of the text she was mildly surprised and this then ensued into a conversation about her ex.

I ramble. I say this to get to the point of my post on ex's.

About a month after Marine and I started dating I received a Facebook friend request from Marine's ex. At first I was a little surprised. It's a small town. I know her enough to say hi if I pass her somewhere but that's it. Being a considerable amount younger than me, she is not someone who I am very familiar with. I wonder if there is an alternative to the request and let it sit for a few days.

Marine and I at that point in our relationship had not really spoken of ex's - both agreeing the past was the past. The difference being he dated this girl less than 6 months before the relationship ended. It ended around the same time frame as my relationship with X did. {perhaps I should note that she was about 19 (him 21) when they dated and is now 21.... so yeah considerable amount younger than me}.

I finally decided to accept the friend request - Because well for

1. I never decline a friend request. I'm always afraid that if I do that person will be sent a message saying I declined them.....(will they?). Stupid yes, but that's me "Miss Never Wants To Hurt Anyone's Feelings."

and

2. I considered that perhaps it was a coincidence she sent me a friend request shortly after I had started dating Marine and that I was probably over analyzing it anyway.

So I accepted. She was dating someone else anyway(remember RC? My younger guy friend who thinks I'm his relationship guru?). And thanks to my friendship with RC I already knew more about their relationship than I preferred. Because even though I hardly know her I do know RC. And RC has called me anytime he has had any kinda of girl problem or girl question for about the past 3 years. Why he wants my advice I have no clue, but for him it always seems to work.

So a picture of her and RC is set as her profile picture. I click on her profile (as I usually do with any new friend) and I browse through her pictures. I was a little surprised to see that even though she had a new boyfriend (one of some time) and that it had been some time since the breakup, she still had several pictures of her and Marine posted.

I thought this odd because most people immediately delete the ex (or maybe that's just me). Shrug of shoulders. Oh well. I don't give it a second thought.


Fast forward a few months. Her and RC break up. RC calls of course and wants my advice. After many fights and this and that the relationship has ended. At this point I feel slightly uncomfortable. And then he drops the bomb telling me he thinks she is still hung up on Marine. I feel very uncomfortable at this point.

He confides in me the reasons she is (for lack of a better word) hard to be with. Then he wants to know why Marine and her broke up. Did she treat Marine the same way that she was treating him? [basically like dirt - from his side of the story anyway, but there are always 2 sides to every story]. Here is when I become extremely uncomfortable. I didn't know, nor did I want to know, all the in's and out's of this past relationship. I gave RC vague advice on how to win her back. Hoping that he would find another confidant. I value our conversations and the friendship RC and I have but we were friends dating ex's. One of which has no feelings for the other (Marine) and one who is suspect to still have feelings. New uncharted territory for me, and a one that I didn't plan on getting familiar with.

I tell RC that I'm not comfortable with this and that it's none of my business about Marine's past relationship. The past is the past for a reason. And that we (Marine and I) are focusing on the future and that he should do the same.

He loves her. He wants her back. I want him to be happy but at the same time I don't want involved. He asks for one favor. To see if she changed her relationship status on Facebook. RC didn't have a Facebook and in his twisted grasping at straws mindset he figured if she hadn't changed it he might still have chance.

I cave. It's a simple request. I log in. Her status has been changed to "single". I click on her pictures. Every single one of RC is gone. The albums, the profile pics. Everything. No trace of this recently ended relationship. Yet the pictures of her and Marine are still up.

I find this odd and wonder if RC is right. Marine knows of my friendship with RC, heck he has been sitting beside me in a range close enough to hear when RC has called needing advice. But I don't tell Marine what RC has said and I never mention the Facebook thing to him.

Why? Because I'm not a jealous person. And also I think at one time or another we have all been that girl. The one that holds on. The one that was dumped but hopes that one day he will come back. That he will realize the new girl he is dating is not what he's looking for and that he misses her. In her heart she holds on.

Yes, girls are crazy. But most of us have done this at least once I'm sure. Held on to something that wasn't there. So I understood her heartbreak at the fact Marine had moved on and I felt slightly sorry for her. I knew what it was like to realize that hope was gone. The advice I wanted to give her (that I wish someone had given me at one point in time) but couldn't was - that even though you now realize he has moved on and that your heart is hurting, everything happens for a reason. You to will be happy one day and thank God that it didn't work out.

But I couldn't tell her that.

Fast forward few months later.

I have not thought of her or the pictures.

I change my status on Facebook to engaged. This is followed by many friends new and old posting congrats.

Then I see her name. She has posted on my wall under my status change. "Congrats girl :)" it reads.

I haven't thought about her in months but at the comment I ponder about what went thru her mind when she first saw the status change. And I think of a guy from my past who I had a hard time of letting go and think of the feelings I would have felt if in her situation.

A few days go by and on the live feed her status has changed to in a relationship. I have not spoken with RC in months, which is not uncommon I only hear from him when he needs an ear to listen. And I think at our last conversation it was left unspoken that he would have to figure this one out on his own without my help.

Curiosity gets the best of me and I click on her name. I wonder who the new relationship person is. Like all things Facebook the answers are always written on the wall. Someone had asked her who the lucky guy was and she responded RC. They had worked things out. A smile crosses my face, and a feeling of pride as I realize that my young RC has grown up. Like a mama bird who sees her baby fly successfully out of the nest I know that RC has figured out how to fly on his own and that my help is no longer required.

But is she ready? I click on her pictures and see that she has finally deleted the ones of Marine.

She had let go. Now RC would get the fair chance from her that he so wanted and deserved. Will it work for them? I'm not sure. But the cycle of the life of a woman has changed for her. She has learned the important lesson that all woman have to learn in their own time: you must first let go before you can ever move on.

Farewell 2009

Dear 2009,


I told 2008 that you my dear friend 2009 would be a better year! And thank goodness I was right. Now don't get me wrong, you and I also shared some moments that were not so bright - but overall our time together was fairly smooth.



It was a year of discovery and reexamining. I discovered myself once again and the things that I have always loved. I reexamined my life and made some changes based upon that evaluation. I said that you, 2009, would be the year of "me". And that you were. I did what I wanted when I wanted and at times with little regard to anyone else. That last part I regret, but at the same time I have always done what everyone else wanted me to do - leaving me very little time for the things I wanted to do. You changed that 2009.



It was so nice to get back to Barrel Racing -- horses are my true passion and I am never happier than when I am in the saddle. And the fact that Vixen wanted to make this a part of her life too was amazing. She was such a natural and it was great to share something I am so passionate about with one of my best friends. It is now a love that we both share and has perhaps made us even closer as friends, if that is possible.

2009 you also proved me wrong. I had closed the door of my heart and promised that I would never let another in. That was famous last words. I will be forever grateful to you for sending a young Marine into my life and for granting me the sense to realize that some promises are meant to be broken.

You and I have had an interesting trip around the sun together and I am sad to see you go. But I know that I will always look back on you and smile at our shared memories but also cry over the loss of Grandpa - a loss that came to soon but am thankful he has now entered the gates of heaven.

At midnight tonight I will bid you farewell, 2009. I hope that 2010 will be as kind to me as you have been.


Forever Grateful,
E.

Another Perspective

A few months back I ran into an old friend. A guy I had went to college with. One who, in the past, I would have had a crush on if I hadn't been in a relationship. I don't really know him that well, but what I do know of him he is a nice guy. So after the run in when he sent me a friend request on Facebook, I was a little excited. When I got a message commenting on a photo of Vivi, Vixen, and myself I started thinking of him as perhaps a future date prospect.

Since then he has asked me out twice...... and twice I have had to ask for a rain check. Once because I was scheduled to work at Sports Bar, the second because I already had plans with Vixen and Blondie. Part of me does want to go out with him, yet part of me is still a little gun shy. I really need to get over that.

Today I was talking to a guy I used to work with. He's kinda like that older annoying brother that is always right. He some how steers the conversation to my romantically challenged life....

Me, "I will never get married again. Hell I'll probably never be in a serious relationship again."

Work Brother, "Yeah you will. Next time marry for money."

Me, "Haha."

Work Brother, "Am I wrong?"

"I hope not. But I will not marry again," I reply stubbornly.

Work Brother, "Your way to young to say that."

Me, "Uh no. Been there, done that, learned the most expensive lesson hopefully of my life."

Work Brother, "Shit you will find someone..... Open your mind."

Me, "Even if I do find someone that doesn't mean I'll marry them."

Work Brother, "You don't know that. Think about what you are saying."

Me, "I just find it hard to believe I will ever trust someone that much again. It won't be anytime soon. I hate to say it but I'm scared to death of commitment."

Work Brother, "How many times have I been wrong? Besides that's a lie." He pauses, "If anything you strive off commitment."

Me, "Face the facts I get asked out all the time but I stay busy cause I don't want to go on dates cause I'm not ready for a relationship and I also suck at hurting peoples feelings. So I rarely go on dates and just stay busy so I have an excuse not to go. I know that sounds crazy but what if the date goes good? I'm not ready for it to turn into anything."

Work Brother, "Look at your commitment to your friends...... your mom....... your not scared of commitment your scared of getting hurt. Stop second guessing yourself."

Damn he may have a point.

Pause. Me, "Ok maybe your right."

Work Brother, "So what are we going to do?"

Me, "About what?"

Work Brother, "To fix you?"

Me - laugh, "No clue. I'm having fun going to horse shows right now. Me and Horse won this past weekend."

Work Brother, "See more commitment."

Me, "Shut up."

Work Brother, "Haha you love me."

Me, "Yeah but I hate when your right."

Maybe he is right. My whole life is made up of commitments; Commitment to friends, to family, to work, to my animals, to club projects (fundraisers), and recently I have been trying to renew my commitment to church.

I hate it when he's right.

So maybe I will give college friend a chance. If he ever asks me out again, but really I've said no twice.... hmmm....... oh well maybe he'll go with '3rd times a charm.'

And then there is Marine2...... who I do a have a full fledged crush on..... but ssshhhh don't tell..... none of my friends know that [ except now Vivi - Hi Vivi (insert wave) ]. Because it is a silly crush. One I know I will get over the minute we actually hang out. Therefor I refer back to the "your-friends-may-not-need-to-know-everything" rule. I will withhold the details because I don't want to jinx myself...... but lets just say in overcoming this phobia Marnie2 and I have upcoming plans....... Cross fingers nothing happens between now and then.

Sometimes all you really need is another perspective.....

Karen, "Rosie, I just met the most incredible man!"

Rosario, "Are you sure you just didn't lean into the doorknob again?"

~ Will and Grace ~

The Date

So with my exciting-scene-from-a-movie-chase I have not got to blog about my date. Yes, you heard me correctly I did say date. Tuesday night I had a date.

This guy (who we will call Music Guy) had been asking me out for a few weeks but lets face it I've been pretty busy. Weekends are usually booked for me: working at Sports Bar, Barrel Races, etc. So I finally told him a weeknight would be better.

Tuesday night we headed to see a movie. We arrive at the theater to find the next movie (besides Hannah Montana) doesn't start till 9:15. It is now 7:50..................... We have time to kill. So we went bowling. Something I have not done in awhile. It was different, fun, and well not even slightly embarrassing that I sucked. lol

After a few games (of which I lost every time) we returned to theater and took our seats to see Haunting in Connecticut. Anyone who knows me knows that I am not much for scary movies. I like suspense but not blood and guts. I have never even seen the preview for this movie so I am a little nervous about what I may be getting myself into.

At 9:15 on a Tuesday night we are the only two that occupy the large theater. So we talk until the movie starts. I know him somewhat but not that well but despite that the conversation flowed easily. The movie began and was pretty good. But at one point you know something is about to happen, you can sense it. Then WHAM!!! Oh yes I jumped. And not little jump... Jump in like knees up to my chest, hands over face, gasp, launch into the air, butt no longer touching seat jump. Afterward we both laugh - him telling me he thought I was going to jump into the row behind us.

Overall it was a good first date. Yet on my way home I couldn't help but cry. I will blame it on PMS emotions. The only thing I could think was he wasn't X. Which is a good thing but still strange. This is the first movie date I have been on with someone other than X. Its new territory. An unfamiliar one. Like I said he was nice and things went great. There was just no spark. Sigh. Oh well :)

Will, "Got a hot date?"

Jack, "No, but the guy who's dating me does."

~ Will & Grace ~

With Pen To Paper

I picked up the phone and made the call before I could change my mind. The call I had put off for to many months as it was. I was told the paperwork would be ready this afternoon. But was I ready? A few short hours later I was driving thru the rain knowing I was doing what I had to do but not feeling any better about the situation. But with no alternatives this was my only option. I took a deep breath and pulled my coat tightly around me to shield myself from the rain; a rain that despite the temperature would chill you to the bone. I hurried from the 4runner toward the off white stucco building that looked much to cheerful on this dreary day. I walked up the few short steps and with one hand removed my hood while the other reached to turn the gold doorknob. Once inside I was greeted by a familiar face, "I have everything ready," she smiled as she retrieved a thin, manila folder from a tray on her desk. She opened it and turned it to face me and handed me a blue ink pen.

"Here is the address and here is the name you are signing it over to," she pointed as she talked my eyes quickly skimming the document. "And I just need you to sign here," she pointed to a line at the bottom that had my name typed neatly underneath.

With pen to paper I started to scrawl my name, my minds eye seeing a pair of scissors in place of the pen cutting the last string that tied X and myself together. I was flooded with a rush of emotions: happiness, nostalgia, sadness, anger, defeat, embarrassment, regret, nausea.

A sense of freedom washed over me as I left the office my copies of the paperwork clutched tightly to my chest. In a swift instance it was gone; the connection to my past life and my past self.

"So many roads. So many detours. So many choices. So many mistakes."

~ Carrie, SATC ~

Still Not Ready

So I ran into X this past weekend. With the new girl. Well "ran into" may be a strong word. In reality I entered the bar after work Friday with GirlFriend, Alice, and Punk-Rock-Chick almost immediately I am warned by another friend there that the pair is in the vicinity. As the words leave her mouth I see them out of my peripheral vision... something that after playing basketball for so many years still tends to come in handy. I see her crane her neck to see me, he has already spotted me. I never look their way. I smile to my friends and thru gritted teeth say I think I need to go. With as much grace as I can muster I fight the urge to run from the bar in tears and calmly make my exit with GirlFriend by my side. I left because I wasn't ready. I left because I was almost embarrassed to be in the same room with him. I left because the site of him still makes me want to cry. I also left out of what little once of respect I have left for him.... I did say little...... In that he has respected my wishes by not coming in Sports Bar when he knows I'm working or by showing up at other places he knows I'll be. So I kinda looked at it like he was there first. Besides the bar was empty 15 people there tops. If it had been a larger crowd I might have stayed...... but with no crowd to disappear into....



Friday was a weird day anyway.



Marine is back from Iraq!! He is so happy to be back and is wanting everyone to go out this coming up Saturday. Half of our small town will probably be there, which will include X along with several of my friend's X's I'm sure. So mentally I have been trying to prepare for this would be run in. If it weren't for Marine I probably wouldn't go. He is so excited to be home and when he requested I come it wasn't so much of a question as a "you better be there". Therefor I will hide my uncertainties and go. But I will look extra good just in case!



Pause



Halt! Wait! Hold the Presses!



Just found out X will probably not be there ~ his cousin is getting married..... didn't realize that was this weekend!! Wooooo Hooooo! Thanks Vivi! That just made my day! Now I can look forward to going out with my friends and not have to worry about any uncomfortable, awkward moments!

Carrie, "So you're a pessimist, right?"

Miranda, "Have we met?"

~ Sex & The City ~

Brave New Girl ~ Chapter 6: Flirting With Strangers

I expected last night to be a calm evening. Which it sorta was. It was going to be a simple night of hanging out at Punk-Rock-Chick's apartment and playing cards. Or so I thought.......

I was the first to arrive and seemed like we had some time to kill so Punk-Rock-Chick suggested we have a drink while we wait. We head for the local hotspot where we meet up with the same girlfriend from the previous night (guess I should give her a name..... lets see........I'll keep it simple ~ Alice). As I walk thru the door I notice 2 cute guys sitting at the bar, they look up at us new arrivals with interest. We take a seat at an empty table and place our orders. Still trying to acquire a taste for it I order a beer. When in reality I would have loved a Rum Runner! But $2 Vs. $6.50...... yeah beer it is! lol Hey I admit I'm pretty broke, like most people now, and trying to have fun on a budget.

Our drinks arrive and seeing as I am the only single one at the table it is quickly decided by Punk-Rock-Chick and Alice that I should go talk to the 2 cute guys. Let me explain I am not the type of girl to normally approach guys. I mean I understand sometimes a girl has to help get the ball rolling, but yeah I'm a little more old fashioned in I'd rather let the guy make the first move. Ok I'm shy. At times. As I slowly sip my beer I eye the guy on the left.... he has a cute smile. That is what I always notice first about the opposite sex, their smile. They are obviously out-of-towners so really what do I have to lose? So I form a plan. I watch the bartender make his way down to the other end of the bar. Before I can change my mind and chicken out I turn my beer up finishing what little was left. I sit the empty bottle down on the table, give my girls a smile, and slide quickly out of my seat.

I approach the bar and the empty chair to the left of the guy with the cute smile. Gracefully I ease onto the chair angling my body so I am facing right, my eyes on the bartender (who has his back to me) making it obvious I have approached the bar to order another drink. Cute smile guy has turned to me watching as I appear to wait. My eyes shift to him and I match his smile with one of my own. "Hi," the word roles simply off his tongue. The plan, as simple as it was, has worked. "Hi," I reply and easy as that the conversation ball has been set into motion. He asks my name and tells me his. He then asks what I'm drinking, I rattle off the name of my beer of the night. As the bartender approaches cute smile guy orders me a beer. I graciously thank him as I accept the beer. After a few more minutes of conversation I excuse myself, thanking him again, and return to my girls. They of course are all smiles.

Punk-Rock-Chick's BF arrives along with other friends, a mixture of guys and girls, and the 3 of us are quickly surrounded. Before long Punk-Rock-Chick is saying it is time to go. Cute smile guy is watching me ~ as I draw near I pause to thank him again for the beer, throw in a nice to meet you, and with a smile say good bye.

Alice and I make our way to her car (it's just me and her now). It may not seem like a big deal but after being in a relationship for nearly 8 years the idea of a stranger buying me a drink is a small gesture but big deal to me. I can count on one hand the amount of drinks I have received from strangers. Because since turning 21 I have always been with X. So I'm happy at this simple step forward ~ flirting with a stranger.

As we approach the car I tell Alice that I wish he would have asked for my number.

Alice, "Go back and give it to him."

Me, shaking head and laughing, "No I can't do that."

Alice, "You ought to go and invite them to come hang out with us!"

My eyes go wide thinking there is no way I'd have the courage to do that, "What?"
Alice sends a quick text to Punk-Rock-Chick asking if I can invite the cute guys over. Punk-Rock-Chick's reply: YES!!!!!!!

Alice, grinning from ear to ear, "Go do it!"

There are still people inside I know who I have already told bye to and honestly I really don't want to reenter the bar and embarrass myself. I mean...... really...... I'm so not the kinda girl to pick up random guys! I tell Alice I don't want to walk back in and do it infront of everybody. At this point we are at the car, my back to the door of the restaurant.

Alice, "Ohmygosh there he is!"

Me, "What?" turning to follow her eyes to see him standing his back to us right inside the door on the phone.
Alice,"GO!!"

Before I can think I'm walking briskly back to the door, I open it to see his retreating back walking back toward the bar. I call out his name and he stops and turns. As our eyes meet I can not believe what I am about to do. He's smiling. Good sign I hope. I have no plan. And suddenly I feel very self-conscious. But with my most confident smile in place I ask, "Do you have plans when you leave here?" Still smiling he tells me no. So I tell him we are going back to a friends to play drinking card games if he and his friend would like to join us. He tells me he would like to but will have to check with his buddy. He pulls out his phone and asks for my number ~ typing it in as I ramble it off. He repeats it back to me before hitting save. I say bye again, knowing at this point my cheeks are more than likely flushed. He tells me bye saying he will call me.

Smiling I scurry to the car to find to an anxious Alice who wants all the details. I give them to her still in shock that I actually just invited this cute stranger to hang out. She points out I'm 2 for 2 ~ 2 nights out both ending with a guy asking for my number. I laugh telling her that I may need to hang out with her more often!

In route to Punk-Rock-Chick's my cell phone starts to ring. We have been gone maybe 2 minutes. It's a number I don't know. I press the button and say hello. It's cute smile guy. He asks for directions to Punk-Rock-Chick's and says his friend has to stop somewhere and then they will try to stop by.

We arrive at the apartment and immediately Punk-Rock-Chick's BF starts teasing me and giving me a hard time ~ all in good fun. Alice's BF and the others gathered are nicer but still my brave streak has made me fair game for teasing. I embarrass easily now realizing that if these guys show up the chances of the 2 BF's teasing ceasing is.... well.... probably slim to none. I panic suddenly hoping the guys don't show up. Guess my hopes were answered because they didn't.

But that didn't kill my good mood. This weekend I have become a brave new girl. I don't mind if he never even calls again, I'm proud of myself for having the guts to just approach the guy in the first place! An event that probably not happen often. You never know though.... Maybe I'm overcoming some of my shyness....

She wants a good time

No need to rewind

She needs to really really find what she wants

She lands on both feet

Won’t take a back seat

There’s a brave new girl

And she’s comin’ out tonight

She’s gonna step outside

Uncover her eyes

Who knew she could feel so alive

Her M.O.’s changed

She don’t wanna behave

Ain’t it good to be a brave girl tonight

~ Britney Spears, Brave New Girl ~

Goodbye 2008

Dear 2008,

Unlike the years that have come and gone before I am not sad to see you go. Rather I am anxious for you to be gone, looking forward to when you will be just a distant memory. I don't mean to sound harsh but let's face it our 366 day spin around the earth has been complicated from the get go to say the least.

During your time in my life I lost friends that were to young to be called home to Heaven. I was awakened to the real qualities that had always existed behind the pretty front of the person that I had once seen as the love of my life. I ended the life I had known and become all to familiar with for the past seven years. I discovered a skeleton in my closet ~ feelings for which I thought no longer existed. I made mistakes. I was hurt, and I hurt others. My heart was broken, my life was turned upside down, and so many tears were shed over things that were not within my power to change.

But alas not all of our days were bad, were they? I have some fond memories, memories I will forever cherish of our time together. Days of laughter, times spent with close friends, adventures that made me feel young and alive. Yes, we did have some fun times.

Unfortunately though you will always be thought of as perhaps one of the worst years of my life thus far. At 11:59 p.m. tonight I will smile one last smile for you as I bid you farewell. For this next year I am determined to make good. With you I will leave my broken heart and the linger of empty promises. Thanks to you I am wiser and no longer will I allow myself to be won over by a sly smile and sugar coated words. You have helped to harden me to what can be a cruel world, but deep down the trusting hopeless romantic remains.

I have learned lessons that I know I needed to learn but at the same time I wish I never would have. You stole some of my naive -ness ~ weather that is good or bad I'm still trying to figure out.

I will not drag this out any longer, our time together painful enough. I do owe you a thank you, as hard as it is to admit, thank you for helping me to become me again and for teaching me that it is ok to put myself first every now and then. For that I will forever be grateful.

Simply,
E.

The Last Night

Sunday was spent packing, moving boxes ~and you guessed it ~ more packing! Yes after much procrastinating I am getting all my stuff out of the house. As I walked thru the house my footsteps echoing from the emptiness, I couldn't help recall the happy memories X and I had shared in our first home. But also to easily recalled the bad moments to as my eyes came upon a hole in the wall, a mishap from a drunken X falling against a piece of furniture. A hole he had promised to fix but nearly a year later the hole remains, perhaps significant of the hole that was also in our relationship that he never got around to repairing either. Yep slightly ironic I guess.

After several trips only a few stray boxes littered the floor. The house was empty of all personal items the only thing remaining was the appliances, the borrowed kitchen table, the futon, the coffee table, the small TV from the bedroom, and the stereo. Nearly done Vivi and I decide it was time for a much needed food break. On our trip to town we reminisce about our fun nights over the previous seven months in the house. We can't go out like this, we decide. It's just not right. We have to have one last in the house..... I mean heck might as well try to finish off some of the stuff in the liquor cabinet that has acquired over the past months. We weigh our options: Vodka, Cruzan Raspberry Rum, Cruzan Mango Rum, Malibu Coconut Rum, Malibu Passion Fruit Rum, Crown, and 2 bottles of wine. Did I mention I can make some kick ass mixed drinks with Rum?

We pick our poison and figure Vodka is the way to go. Vivi calls Vixen who quickly agrees to the proposed drunken stooper. We hit the store in search of something to mix with the Vodka and stumble upon Strawberry-Kiwi juice. Why we thought this was a good idea I'll never know. But with the Blender lost somewhere in box land there would be no frozen drinks in our future.

We arrive back at the house to find Vixen with a devilish grin on her face as she produces the infamous red cups. I shake my head knowing I'm in for a long night. Now think - we spent all day moving everything out of the house only to then move back blankets and pillows and the items I would need to get ready the next morning.

As I mixed the first round of potion Vivi and Vixen set up the table for beer pong. Don't know why but we've been on a kick lately..... yes while at the store we bought ping pong balls. The stereo is turned on and we laugh as we go thru old Cd's listening to songs I hadn't heard since High School. As we play the game it is apparent we are on a mission and that mission is to say good bye to the house with a night we may not remember. At one point some of the concoction spills on my always mopped floor and I don't even flinch. Normally the clean freak in me would have been all over that with the swifter mop all ready out. But somehow I have come to grasp it's no longer my house and don't feel the urge to try and keep it perfect.

The conversations are interesting as we discuss our choices in men. In that we all have a pattern of dating the wrong guys. Why is that? Why do we go for the guys with the asshole attitudes? Why do we go for the guys we know will break our hearts? I mean I'll admit even though I myself have always been viewed by others as the 'good girl', I always date the guys that have a reputation for being a little bit trouble (maybe that's the right word?). I like the type of guy who is a little ruff around the edges and not afraid to get his hands dirty, but at the same time can clean up and look nice to...... Heck PL, X, and Big can all fall into this pattern - even Fire Guy for that matter. Perhaps I need to break the pattern...... but some habits are hard to break.

The games go by quickly and before I know it I'm stumbling as I lay the futon out. Vivi places the air mattress also in the living room and we blow it up laughing all the while at each other. It's after midnight, the vodka is gone and so is one bottle of rum (just to point out they were not full bottles to start with) and my head is spinning. I quickly fall asleep and have that great sleep you can only have when you have reached a certain level ~ you know that peaceful, dreamless sleep.

All to soon my alarm sounds. My head pounds as I switch it off and head for the bathroom. Yeah I had to be at work this morning..... Vivi and Vixen had off. I now see the error of this late thought out plan. And for all you math people beer pong - beer + vodka = bad idea. Why it ever sounded like a good idea I may never know. I'll chalk it up to adrenaline rush euphoria excitement.

My head pounded, the room was spinning, and my stomach churned as I attempted my morning routine. I contemplated calling in sick. Something I have never done when hung over because honestly I really don't drink that much (at least to the point I feel this bad the next day). This morning calling in sick was definitely an option. But I sucked it up and headed for work stopping at the gas station for my normal cure all of pretzels and Dr Pepper. Last night it was fun to be young and carefree. It was great to be with two of my best friends. I don't remember the last time I truly laughed that much. The last night in the house. I may not remember all the moments but I will never forget the laughter. It's always good to end things on a good note.

"Were we all, in fact, just dating the same person over and over again?"

~ Carrie, SATC ~

Just Another Day

So far today is just another day. Nothing exciting to discuss no events from the weekend to ponder. Nothing. I have nada, zilch, zero. I'm ready to pick up the pace and start moving forward. I feel like if life's a dance mine is three steps forward and two steps back and no matter what I can not get ahead. I'm one of those people that think I can dance by waving my arms in the air, shaking my ass, and moving around in small circles (when in reality I'm not dancing just making a fool out of myself). And that is exactly what I am doing - going around in circles.



Part of me longs to have my old life back ~ the glossy image that remains in my mind, you know the one that seems perfect because you painted it yourself and left out all the flaws, yeah that one. The one in which I had someone to come home to every night. Someone that you knew loved you unconditionally. Maybe he wasn't perfect but I did know that X always loved me. And what did I do? I feel as if I just threw that love away and said it wasn't enough. The painful part was I did tell him that. I told him it just wasn't enough anymore. At that moment I think he would have rather me run his truck off a cliff then say those words. But the words were out and I couldn't take them back. Now as I go home every night to an empty house I ask myself - should love have been enough? I mean how many people would love to have what I had. I mean it wasn't always perfect but then again nothing ever is. Is it? Is there really such thing as a perfect relationship? Or is that a myth? An urban legend like the loch-ness monster and big foot? Yet someone claims to have found Big Foot in the North Georgia mountains so maybe it's not all a myth. Maybe a perfect relationship does exist. As I write the words even I know they are not true. Just something we tell ourselves. Just like I tell myself everyday I am better off without X. But I'm not sure I really believe myself.



I feel as if I have failed myself. Not the 25 year old me but the 10 year old little girl within that had so many big dreams and plans. I have let her down in that I have fulfilled none of those dreams and plans she had. I know I'm still young and I still have time. But at this point in my life I'm really ready to be settled. I want the husband, the house (my house), the family, the job I enjoy. Not to be selfish, but I want it all. And I was on the path to having 2 out of 4 with the 3rd option a possibility in the next few years. But now I'm starting over. Is it worth it? Did I make the right decision? When will things get easier? Will I look back at this point in my life one day with regret? Or with relief because something better is out there? So many questions and no answers. Only time tell. I take the cards life has dealt me and I lay them down on the table in front of me. I'm leaving this game up to fate and God only they know what is in store for me. Hopefully it's a game I'll win.

“It's really hard to walk in a single woman's shoes -- that's why you sometimes need really special shoes!”

~ Carrie, Sex and the City