The Playing Field

So before going to bed most normal people make sure that they have set the coffee pot or something. I make sure that I have a Dr. Pepper in the refrigerator so it will be cold the next morning.

That has no relevance to the rest of the post. Just a fun fact I thought I would toss out there - because that is what I did last night before going to bed.

Wednesday has become my favorite day of the week. For one it means the week is half over, but more importantly it is usually the day Marine gets to call.

This morning at 6 a.m. my phone goes off and I nearly fall out of the bed trying to answer it. I don't wake up gracefully.

From the other end comes Marine's voice and for 20 minutes life is wonderful.

Sappy right?

Hate to tell you, you've got 7 more months of sappy (or 6 hopefully *fingers crossed*).

It was great just to hear his voice. But so many things to say that 20 minutes a week is not nearly enough. But we make do as I recap things from here; only telling the positive things. No sense telling him the 4runner is making a new funny noise. No need for him to worry.

For anyone else going thru deployment that is reading this the number one piece of advice I would like to give is: stay positive.

Don't tell your loved one of problems at home that he can not solve. After you have solved the problem then you can tell him about it if you must. But don't send a letter telling him of the problem unless you are also telling him you have solved it.

Marine has enough going on, he doesn't need to worry about me also.

Have I mentioned how great he is?

Well I'm sure you've heard my bitch/moaning/venting about being broke? And that my hours were cut back at work? And that I've picked up a 2nd job that doesn't pay as much but hey every little bit helps?

If not.... well that pretty much sums it up.

Like everyone in America money is tight.

And Marine and I are trying to save for the Wedding.

Before he left we opened a joint checking account and set it up on auto-deposit so that we both transfer so much money into it a month.

About a month ago Roomie's wife (Marine's roommate on base's wife) invited me to Vegas for her birthday in July. I've never been to Vegas and would love to go. But last I checked round trip flight was $350. Which is embarrassingly almost more than I make in a week now with the cut hours.

Marine: "So are you flying out for Roomie's wifes birthday?"

Me: "Tickets are to expensive... I'm going to keep checking and if I can find a cheap flight I would like to go."

Marine: "You should go, you need to go do something fun. Take money out of the joint account and buy a ticket."

Me: "No I'm not going to do that!"

Marine: "Why not?"

Me: "Because you are putting more money than I am into that account and I'm not spending your money."

Marine: "It's our money. Besides I'm over here for 7 months. It's not like I'm spending any money. It's ok if you splurge. Besides I think it would be good for you and Roomie's wife to get together."

Me: "We'll see."

And I change the subject.

When in a relationship I like to be equals. On an equal playing field.

But what happens when your not? What happens when you are still haunted by the past that you can't seem to get rid of?

Marine is very money smart. Quite the little saver.

Yep, I used to be like that, and one day I plan on being so again. But I am still paying off debt from X. Now I can't blame my debt on him entirely but I can at least a good 85% of it.

Why am I responsible for the debt of the relationship and X left squeaky clean? Because sometimes its worth it to get rid of them.

Marine knows about my debt and I hope to have it paid off before we get married. But with baby showers, and four close friends getting married within the next 6 months (three of which I am in) - the debt pay off plan has taken a major hit.

So saying that I am tight when it comes to spending money is putting it a little mildly.

I appreciated Marine's offer to pay for the plane ticket. But at the same time I don't want him to pay for it - I want to be able to on my own.

What do you think?

Relationships and love are blind, so they say. I love Marine and I know he loves me despite my flaws and imperfections. But I don't want my past to affect my future. I want us to be on an equal field.

But then I guess in away you never really are. One partner will always make more money than the other (more than likely).

So now it's your turn to weigh in: Vegas or no Vegas?

Rachel: (Picking up the phone) Hello? Vegas? Yes, we would like some more alcohol, and you know, we would like some more beers too... hello? Oh wait... I forgot to dial. (There is a knock at the door)

Ross: That must be our alcohol and beers

~ Friends ~

Sex And Spanx

So before I tell you about this weekend, I still need to tell you about last weekend.

Last Saturday I received a nice surprise.

Vivi was in my neck of the woods for a random lunch date. So of course I pretty much demand she see me while over here and then I proceed to nag her, text her, and basically do anything I can to get her to meet up with me after the date. Can you tell I've missed her?

She caved perhaps in fear that if she didn't I would not leave her alone. And she was probably right. :)

So she met me. I was at a Saddle Club Trade Day, so I had to take Horse home first before we could go out.

After exchanging my Ariets for tennis shoes we head to a local pub for diner and a beer. We sip our beers laughing and enjoying the food and conversation as we catch up on each others lives.

We are sitting at the bar and another girl I know is sitting to my right. She mentions that X was at the pub earlier.

I dismiss her comment. Saying no big deal. We get along, I would say hi if I ran into him.

Girl, "Wow thats really great. I don't know if I could be like that to any of my ex's."

Me, "Awe I'm happy that he and Physco-Bitch (yes this should be her name) are happy and I'm sure he feels the same about Marine and I. We're still on good terms."

"That's good cause their right down there." She points to the other end of the bar.

I stop my beer half way to my mouth. "What? He's here?"

Vivi's starts dying laughing, "Where? Where?" She spots them, "So does all that still apply?"

I blush a little, "yes it does."

We continue to eat. And I ignore the end of the bar where they are seated.

"I haven't been here for almost two damn years, and I'm in town one night..." Vivi laughs.

"Yeah gee thanks, I haven't seen him in about that long," I laugh.

I mean what else can you do but laugh?

We get up to leave. I have convinced myself that I will be the bigger person and that when we pass them, which we have to as we head towards the door, I will say hi - be polite and keep on walking.

As I walk I have my head sideways saying bye to the others at the bar. My head is turned and I am walking. I run smack dab into someone. I mean head hits chest - full blown run in.

I say sorry as I look forward...... and stare directly in the face of my X (he was headed to the bathroom). I literally just ran into him. Not exactly how I expected this whole "we can be friends thing to go".

I apologize say hi, how are you, and keep on walking.

Vivi is trying not to laugh as she to greets him.

You would think we could flee freely now but oh no. A guy friend and his girlfriend have come in and joined X and Physco-Bitch for diner. This guy friend jumps up and meets us. He says hi and then quickly starts talking to Vivi because he also has not seen her in forever. I am left standing there. Physco-Bitch shooting me daggers with her eyes.

I do the only thing I know how to do. I smile, say hi and try to make polite conversation.

Then as soon as Vivi escapes Guy friend we leave. And soon as we are out of sight burst into fits of giggles.

I love Vivi.

We proceed to go to a benefit for Blondie's aunt. Here we meet up with other friends.

This is followed by a late night trip to Waffle House. With three of our other friends and one of the friends mother's. Nothing like a late night trip to Waffle House where friends mother advises said friend how to keep Spanx from getting in the way of sex.

Yes, it did happen.

Friend, "Thank god I had on spanx otherwise I might have been drunk enough to have slept with him!"

Friends mom, "So how did the spanx stop you?"

Friend (so not wanting to have this conversation but has been thrown under the bus by another friend), "Because mother do you really think I could just whip them off right there? I mean hello dad was there!!"

Friends mom, "So? It wasn't like he was right there at your shoulder!"

Friend, "MOM!!"

Completely ignoring her, "You know what you need to do? Just cut you a whole in 'em. That way next time you won't have to worry about it."

She says this dead seriously.

"Oh my gosh!!" I laugh hysterically!

Friend Mom, "What?"

Other friend, " I can't believe you just said that."

Vivi is laughing so hard I think she is going to cry. Friend's face is so red it looks like a stop sign and me and other friend are just laughing.

Friend Mom, "Well I'm just trying to help her get laid!!"

Yes this over hash-browns is quite interesting.

Finally Vivi and I made it back to the house. Yep, I even talked her into staying the night. We had a late night pow-wow. It was great to catch up.

Each of my friends I love for different reasons. They are all special to me in different ways.

Vivi is my all around friend. The one I can cry with, laugh with, and anything else in between. Plus we always have fun!

I hope this summer we can have some more fun times.

So yeah all this happened in about a 6 hour time span. Definitely an interesting night.

Miranda, "Okay, I'm definitely in the slow sexual group if even Charlotte is open to this."

~ Sex and the City ~

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You Must First Let Go Before You Can Ever Move On

Ex's have seemed to be a topic of conversation here lately for some reason. Maybe it's the whole new year thing, perhaps it makes people reflect on the past so as to prepare for the future. I'm not sure.

X and I are one good terms (well good as can be I guess), which I am thankful for. A few days after becoming engaged I even received a nice text from him saying something along the lines - Congrats! Marine is a great guy and I wish you both the best.

Yes, imagine my surprise.

But I am glad we can be on good terms. He has moved on. I have moved on. We are both happy, yet we recognize the fact that we shared nearly 8 years together. Most people would probably think it weird. Me, I'm just glad that we have reached a point we can be happy for each other. There is to much hate in the world already as it is. And life is to short to hold grudges.

Now I know that we are the rare few that actually can get along. And after all that we went thru there at the end just proves if we can get along anyone can.

So Vixen also got engaged recently (that is for another post) - when telling her of the text she was mildly surprised and this then ensued into a conversation about her ex.

I ramble. I say this to get to the point of my post on ex's.

About a month after Marine and I started dating I received a Facebook friend request from Marine's ex. At first I was a little surprised. It's a small town. I know her enough to say hi if I pass her somewhere but that's it. Being a considerable amount younger than me, she is not someone who I am very familiar with. I wonder if there is an alternative to the request and let it sit for a few days.

Marine and I at that point in our relationship had not really spoken of ex's - both agreeing the past was the past. The difference being he dated this girl less than 6 months before the relationship ended. It ended around the same time frame as my relationship with X did. {perhaps I should note that she was about 19 (him 21) when they dated and is now 21.... so yeah considerable amount younger than me}.

I finally decided to accept the friend request - Because well for

1. I never decline a friend request. I'm always afraid that if I do that person will be sent a message saying I declined them.....(will they?). Stupid yes, but that's me "Miss Never Wants To Hurt Anyone's Feelings."

and

2. I considered that perhaps it was a coincidence she sent me a friend request shortly after I had started dating Marine and that I was probably over analyzing it anyway.

So I accepted. She was dating someone else anyway(remember RC? My younger guy friend who thinks I'm his relationship guru?). And thanks to my friendship with RC I already knew more about their relationship than I preferred. Because even though I hardly know her I do know RC. And RC has called me anytime he has had any kinda of girl problem or girl question for about the past 3 years. Why he wants my advice I have no clue, but for him it always seems to work.

So a picture of her and RC is set as her profile picture. I click on her profile (as I usually do with any new friend) and I browse through her pictures. I was a little surprised to see that even though she had a new boyfriend (one of some time) and that it had been some time since the breakup, she still had several pictures of her and Marine posted.

I thought this odd because most people immediately delete the ex (or maybe that's just me). Shrug of shoulders. Oh well. I don't give it a second thought.


Fast forward a few months. Her and RC break up. RC calls of course and wants my advice. After many fights and this and that the relationship has ended. At this point I feel slightly uncomfortable. And then he drops the bomb telling me he thinks she is still hung up on Marine. I feel very uncomfortable at this point.

He confides in me the reasons she is (for lack of a better word) hard to be with. Then he wants to know why Marine and her broke up. Did she treat Marine the same way that she was treating him? [basically like dirt - from his side of the story anyway, but there are always 2 sides to every story]. Here is when I become extremely uncomfortable. I didn't know, nor did I want to know, all the in's and out's of this past relationship. I gave RC vague advice on how to win her back. Hoping that he would find another confidant. I value our conversations and the friendship RC and I have but we were friends dating ex's. One of which has no feelings for the other (Marine) and one who is suspect to still have feelings. New uncharted territory for me, and a one that I didn't plan on getting familiar with.

I tell RC that I'm not comfortable with this and that it's none of my business about Marine's past relationship. The past is the past for a reason. And that we (Marine and I) are focusing on the future and that he should do the same.

He loves her. He wants her back. I want him to be happy but at the same time I don't want involved. He asks for one favor. To see if she changed her relationship status on Facebook. RC didn't have a Facebook and in his twisted grasping at straws mindset he figured if she hadn't changed it he might still have chance.

I cave. It's a simple request. I log in. Her status has been changed to "single". I click on her pictures. Every single one of RC is gone. The albums, the profile pics. Everything. No trace of this recently ended relationship. Yet the pictures of her and Marine are still up.

I find this odd and wonder if RC is right. Marine knows of my friendship with RC, heck he has been sitting beside me in a range close enough to hear when RC has called needing advice. But I don't tell Marine what RC has said and I never mention the Facebook thing to him.

Why? Because I'm not a jealous person. And also I think at one time or another we have all been that girl. The one that holds on. The one that was dumped but hopes that one day he will come back. That he will realize the new girl he is dating is not what he's looking for and that he misses her. In her heart she holds on.

Yes, girls are crazy. But most of us have done this at least once I'm sure. Held on to something that wasn't there. So I understood her heartbreak at the fact Marine had moved on and I felt slightly sorry for her. I knew what it was like to realize that hope was gone. The advice I wanted to give her (that I wish someone had given me at one point in time) but couldn't was - that even though you now realize he has moved on and that your heart is hurting, everything happens for a reason. You to will be happy one day and thank God that it didn't work out.

But I couldn't tell her that.

Fast forward few months later.

I have not thought of her or the pictures.

I change my status on Facebook to engaged. This is followed by many friends new and old posting congrats.

Then I see her name. She has posted on my wall under my status change. "Congrats girl :)" it reads.

I haven't thought about her in months but at the comment I ponder about what went thru her mind when she first saw the status change. And I think of a guy from my past who I had a hard time of letting go and think of the feelings I would have felt if in her situation.

A few days go by and on the live feed her status has changed to in a relationship. I have not spoken with RC in months, which is not uncommon I only hear from him when he needs an ear to listen. And I think at our last conversation it was left unspoken that he would have to figure this one out on his own without my help.

Curiosity gets the best of me and I click on her name. I wonder who the new relationship person is. Like all things Facebook the answers are always written on the wall. Someone had asked her who the lucky guy was and she responded RC. They had worked things out. A smile crosses my face, and a feeling of pride as I realize that my young RC has grown up. Like a mama bird who sees her baby fly successfully out of the nest I know that RC has figured out how to fly on his own and that my help is no longer required.

But is she ready? I click on her pictures and see that she has finally deleted the ones of Marine.

She had let go. Now RC would get the fair chance from her that he so wanted and deserved. Will it work for them? I'm not sure. But the cycle of the life of a woman has changed for her. She has learned the important lesson that all woman have to learn in their own time: you must first let go before you can ever move on.

Living, Loving, & Learning

Lets get up to date here. To many things going on and not enough time to blog. This is a catch up of the 3L's of my life; where I'm living, how I'm loving, and what I'm learning.

• Basement Dwelling Sucks

I love, love, LOVE being roommates with Vixen....... But I hate, hate, HATE her house. If you have seen the weather channel at all in the past few months you would have seen one constant green rain blob covering the south. Seriously we have had so much rain that I have contemplated on building an arc. Twice now the basement has flooded. That means that twice now my bathroom and a corner of my bedroom has flooded. My already jam packed schedule is thus interrupted because I have to spend at least an hour a day with the shop-vac sucking water up out of the carpet. Tuesday I thru up my hands. The carpet was still soaking wet, homework was piled up, my laundry basket was overflowing and I was PMSing something fierce. So basically I was not in a good mood. I grabbed my laptop and laundry basket and headed to my mom's. After staying there two nights I figured it was time to return to the basement and see if the carpet had dried anymore.

Before doing this though I made a trip to Lowe's and armed myself with 'Damp Rid', something which I hoped would be magic and solve all my impending mold problems.

The carpet was still damp. I attacked it fiercely with the shop-vac and then strategically placed the Damp Rid. At this point I enter my bathroom to discover the counter covered (well maybe not covered but close enough) with mouse droppings!!! Keep in mind this is not my first mouse, nor is it my second mouse...... but my THIRD mouse!! If you do the math that is a mouse per month.

I spy the remnants and cringe, gross! I move closer and realize the little shit has eaten (you read that right) EATEN my toothbrush!! There are bristles all around the toothbrush holder that have been pulled from the brush and abandoned. I physically shudder at the thought. I pull my toothbrush and Marine's from the holder and through them in the trashcan, I pull out the Clorox wipes and go to town. As I clean the bathroom I go to slide the basket I have filled with towels that sits by the sink and realize there are mouse droppings among my towels to. Great! Just great! I pick up the basket and head upstairs where I shake the towels out outside and then put all of them into the wash. I put extra detergent in and switch the dial to hot.

I reiterate basement dwelling sucks. Period.

• High Points

In good news two weekends ago I received an award that I have worked hard toward all year. Horse and I were named 2009 High Point Champions for Texas Barrels at an area saddle club. At the beginning of the season one of my goals had been to win High Points. To achieve this goal I had to make some sacrifices, i.e. going to shows on weekends when there were perhaps other events that I would have liked to/or needed to attend. I'm sure my lack of availability upset some of my friends but one can only hope that they understand. In the end our hard work and dedication paid off. Horse and I won!

• Marine

Marine is currently somewhere in the desert doing field training. Wednesday made a week that he has been gone. He won't return to base till November 2nd at the earliest or November 5th at the latest. This means no contact, or very little at least. I received a text from him Monday but nothing since. Cell service is sparse.

• Awkward Moment of the Week

Vixen and I lately have discussed our ex's to some length. Let me specify - our ex's are our ex's for a reason. We got that. We don't miss them as significant others but at times we do miss them as friends. I mean X was a part of my life for 8 years. There are events that took place in my life that truly only he knows or can understand. Same for Vixen. Now with that said I am 110% happy with Marine. Do you get what I'm trying to say or am I sticking my foot in my mouth?

Anyway moving on I feel like I am starting to come down with a cold. Everyone in my office has had it and it seems it is now my turn. As I left work I headed to the grocery store with three items in mind: Bananas, Ben & Jerry's Half Baked Ice Cream, and V8 Strawberry Banana smoothie juice.

I grab the first two and am half way down the juice aisle when I spot X's mom she has her back to me. Before I can stop to turn my eyes meet X's stepdad. Crap. I've been spotted. I'm half way down the aisle, I can't turn around. So I continue on, my smiling matching stepdads. Then my eyes drift to the person kneeling in front of the shopping cart looking at an item on the bottom shelf..... X.

As stated before I live in a small town. Run ins are inevitable. With my head held high I smile and say hello as I approach. This turns into a 5+ minute conversation. X's parents, X and myself all gathered around their shopping cart. We were nice. Conversation was natural. X and I were both adults. As I ended the conversation with a "it was great to see you" I grab my juice and get the heck out of dodge. I can feel the red splotches that always come with nerves or anger creeping up my chest and neck. So many emotions rush to the surface as I make my way to the checkout. I still love X. Not in that I want to be with you love. But a friend love a completely different love than I once thought I had for him. I felt longing for those missed relationships. I was a part of that family. His mom and I had been so close. As I walked away I realized that I missed that relationship most of all.

This being the sole reason I have been so careful to keep my distance from Marine's family. Marine's mom is great! Even when he is not around its as if they have accepted me as part of their family. Marine's sister came with me to the horse show the night I received my award and this past Monday I was invited to go eat diner with them even though Marine is on the other side of the country. They are so nice and I am thankful they are so welcoming. Yet its like I'm standing at the door with one foot inside the other outside, hesitant to come all the way in. Its bad enough when a relationship doesn't work out but then there is all the collateral damage. Such as my relationship with X's mom. For that reason I'm not yet ready to get close to Marine's family. Am I crazy?

I really really like Marine. I could actually a see a future there. I guess I'm just not ready to add the family into the equation yet.

My advice to myself is normally - learn from the past. But sometimes perhaps that's not the best policy. I'm not yet ready to be fully part of another family but I think I will stop hesitating with one foot out the door. My resolution as of today is to take that step and go completely inside. Sometimes you have to take chances. It sucks getting hurt, but what if you pass up something that could be wonderful just because your afraid of getting hurt?

“When you're young, your whole life is about the pursuit of fun. Then, you grow up and learn to be cautious. You could break a bone or a heart. You look before you leap and sometimes you don't leap at all because there's not always someone there to catch you. And in life, there's no safety net. When did it stop being fun and start being scary?”

~ Carrie, SATC ~

The Past Keeps Finding Away To My Present

We can try to run for our past, but in reality we can never really escape it..... no matter how hard we try.

At 7:30 a.m. my phone rang. It was X's aunt. I still talk to her at least every couple weeks (we were always close) but a call this early could only mean something was wrong. Her somber voice verifies the bad news she has yet to deliver.

There has been a death in the family. She said that I am still family and thought I should know. I sit down on my bed in shock. Congestive heart failure. She was my mom's age ~ mid-forties. Wow.

I tell her thanks for letting me know and to keep me informed about funeral details. About 20 minutes later my phone rings. It's another family member also calling to tell me. Once again I am told I am still family.

On the way to work I place a call to X. In the past month we have been on good, friendly terms. I hope they can remain that way. As a friend I call to check on him. I know he does not handle things like this well. I offer my condolences and we talk about what a shock it is. I then tell him I plan on coming to the funeral home. I won't go to the funeral but I feel I do need to attend the visitation. I tell him to make sure he is ok with that. He responds, your family you have to be there.

I still do not think his new girl is right for him, but I have reached the point that I am ok seeing him with someone else. And I really do want him to be happy. And it would be nice if we can remain semi-friends. I mean I think everything happens for a reason. Maybe we were only ever meant to be friends. For one reason or another we were put in each others life for a reason. Yet sometimes I really do need the distance so I can continue to move forward.

No matter how hard I try to escape my past it seems that it always has a way of finding its way into my present.

Learning The Hard Way

The title of this blog should have perhaps been: I Should Have Known Better ~ I mean I seem to be saying (or at least thinking) that alot here lately. That or What Was I Thinking ~ both appropriate choices.

Saturday was no exception. I loaded Horse on the trailer after the show and reached in the car for my phone as I was also grabbing the bag of chips to hand to Vixen. 3 new messages. Absentmindedly I press the button while handing Vixen the chips. We are in mid conversation but as I glance down at the phone my voice drifts off. X. All 3 are from X.

1. "Sorry to bother u, but I would like to talk to u sometime."

2. "I need to ask u something"

3. "Call me when you get a chance"

Vixen with a smile, "Want me to call him?"

"No," I reply, "Hope everything is ok...."

We tell each other goodbye and I get in the car to head home. The clock on the dash reads 1:15 a.m. the last message was received about 3o minutes ago. I scroll thru the phonebook stopping at his name and pressing the send button. After two rings his familiar voice greets me.

"Everything ok?" I ask.

"Yeah...." He then asks me about the horse show and the conversation is actually nice as he laughs over mine and Vixen's horse show night stories.

I remind myself this isn't a friendly call and try to get to the point of the the phone call. "I just got your messages...."

"I need to talk to you. Think we can meet tomorrow?"

DANGER, DANGER flashes thru my head. "Why?"

"I need to talk to you," his voice is soft and luring, "Will you meet me?"

"I don't know..... What do you need to talk about?"

"I'd rather talk in person."

"Are you gonna make me cry?" I ask point blank.

"No."

About to lose service I tell him I will call him back. As I drive over the mountain so many things are going thru my mind. Do I hear him out? Do I tell him to go to hell? What could he possibly want?

As I unload Horse I spend extra time brushing her off. In the late night I hear the other horses rustle around, their slumber disturbed. Its peaceful. I love being at the barn by myself in the late of night or early morning. Somehow it has a calming affect. Allows me time to think.

X said he would meet me at the barn. I declined that idea and told him I would meet him in town. Looking back perhaps I should have waited till the next day, but lets face it I'm just not that patient. It is now past 2 a.m. the night is calm and still. As I drive along the dark road my head is telling me to turn around. Not look back. Just go home.

My heart won't let me. It keeps me driving forward.

I arrive and get out of the car. We stand a moment in the cool night beside my car. I shiver. I climb back in the driver seat and he walks around to get in on the passenger side. I still have on my boots and dirt streaked jeans. I smell of horse, dirt and sweat; my hair is piled up in a ponytail, it to distorted from the long night. Yet I don't care. After a few minutes of small talk I ask what he wanted to talk about.

Open the flood gates. Out of his mouth comes all the words I had wanted to hear.

I love you ~ √

I miss you ~ √

I want to give us a second chance ~ √

I'm not happy without you ~ √

And the checklist could go on but you get the gist. At this point I am very leery as I sit trying to take it all in. This isn't the first time he has done this. I mean this is a every 3 months deal. I want so much to believe him. I wish things would have never gotten to this point.

But we live and we learn.

And believe it or not I have learned.

Well at least a little bit.

I ask him what makes me think that he won't change his mind like the times before. He assures me he won't.

Where did all this come from, I ask.

He tells me that he already felt this way but when he heard about the accident his heart stopped and that all he could think was "I wasn't there" and "What if it had been worse".

I tell him my doubts, my fears and my concerns. All of which he has seemed to have anticipated. I tell him we can go on a date and start talking again. I'm not rushing into anything with him or anyone else. If he wants us to have a second chance we will go slow and still there are no guarantees. I point out that I am a very different person than I was a year ago and he may discover that he doesn't love the 'new' me.

Why did I agree? My head knew better but fact is I still love him. I always have and probably always will. That's the sucky part about love; you can't always chose who you love.

The sun is rising as we say our goodbyes.

On my drive home I was still unsure. Unsure if it was a good idea. And truth be told, unsure if it would even happen. Not saying I can predict the future but sometimes you just got to listen to your gut. And my gut was screaming at this point.

I arrive home at 6:30 a.m. --- fifteen minutes shy of being awake 24 hours. Yet I don't feel tired. I fall asleep for a few short hours and the phone goes off. It's X saying he hasn't been able to sleep.

He calls. We talk. He back peddles. "I don't know what I want...." He tells me he doesn't know what he wants, he needs time. I tell him I have no time to give him. I've given him plenty of time in the past. "You called me." I point out saying his mind should have been made up before calling me in the first place.

I hang up and fight to hold back the tears. I knew better. I always do. This time though I am not as upset. I didn't let my guard down as much. And I expected this outcome.

This was Sunday.

It is now Thursday. I am not sad. More mad. Mad at myself for calling him back. Mad at myself for agreeing to meet him. Mad at myself for listening to the empty words. Mad at him for doing this to me yet again.

One day I will learn.

I hear every word they say

They tell me to stay away

They say I'm better off without you, baby

You've caused me nothing but pain

Heartaches your middle name

But seems I never see it coming

I'll just admit it baby

You really drive me crazy

Let go of my heart

cause every time you're near me

I can't think clearly

Defenses fall apart

I keep livin and lovin and learnin the hard way

You're the hardest lesson, baby, of my life

I keep livin and lovin and learnin the hard way

Someday baby, I will get it right

~ Faith Hill, The Hard Way ~

***Beep**Beep*** We Interrupt Your Regularly Scheduled Programing....

I am interrupting the normal scheduled blog post

to bring you this important announcement....

This is my 200th post.

I was planning on doing a post in this fashion on my 1 year blog-versary but when I saw that I was at 200 I felt there was no time like the present. I want to take a moment to reflect, look back at some of my favorite post (perhaps some of my favorite mistakes), some of my least favorite moments (when perhaps a do-over would have been best), and a little of everything in between. Buckle up and lets rewind.





1. Welcome ~~ It all started July 29, 2007 when I sat bored out of my mind at work and came up with the idea of starting a blog. At the time I thought it would serve as a time killer for myself and Vivi, little did I realize it would turn into a passion.



2. "Can You Get To A Future if Your Past is Present" ~~ Ah Mr. Big. To fully grasp this post you may have to read the post prior. This is not one of my favorite posts but think it is relevant in the Saga that is Big.



3. Two posts that I loathe but are pertinent to understanding my story: The X Factor and "Maybe the Past is Like an Anchor Holding us Back. Maybe, You Have To Let Go of Who You Were to Become Who You Will Be."

4. Trip To The Top Of The World ~~This was such a fun night. One of those summer nights that you wish you would never end and the thought of it makes me shake my head yet brings a smile to my face all at the same time.

5. Life: Shaken not Stirred ~~ Ok I really just like this title!

6. Gone Fishing ~~ My first date.... well, maybe, kinda.... either way it was a great day that will always make me think of Fire Guy with a smile.

7. I'm Always Your Last Call ~~ When I learn that guys are full of shit and words are a dime a dozen.

8. Just Say No ~~ Another fun night I will always look back at with a smile but that shows I never really learn.

9. Brave New Girl ~ Chapter 6: Flirting With Strangers ~~ With a new year I turn over a new leaf and actually get a little courage.

10. Just What I Need On A Night Like This ~~ Sometimes what you want is not what you really need. And sometimes what you need is not really what you want.


When I started this blog I thought "my life isn't that interesting I may have to embellish some...." little did I realize how many Mis(Adventures) I really do have. I mean really who could make this stuff up? And just think I do actually censor at times.


I have come to the conclusion that I tend to go for the guys I know that it will not work with; Marine1, GB, DMOF ~ to name a few. Sense the pattern? I know these guys are all wrong for me, yet I think that is why I am drawn to them. I'm not ready for a relationship and these guys are guys I know I would never have one with therefor no expectations and it works out perfectly. Never thought I would have that outlook. For right now though I'm just having fun and trying not to make to many mistakes along the way.


Thanks everyone for all the comments/feedback! Here's to the next 200 posts in hopes they will be just as much fun and hopefully at least semi-entertaining!

"I love you, but I love me more."
~ Samantha, SATC ~

Memorial Day Weekend ~ Part 2

June 3 ~ I started writing this a week ago and I'm sure it had a point and was going somewhere but way to many things have happened since for me to even remotely remember what that was! Oh well posting anyway.

Continued......



So after being puzzled by my conversation with Marine2 I sat thru a wonderful church service that was about forgiving and moving on. During which I got several pointed looks from Vixen. The looks relate to that X and I spoke this last week, he had heard about the accident and well like always it snowballed from there. As always it was nice to talk with him but it left me with some remorse. Perhaps I will always wish things had turned out differently. Oh well



After church Vixen and I headed to the lake house to meet up with Blondie, Babbles, and Babbles Hubs, along with other family and friends. The day was fun, laying on the dock and riding in the boat. The water was way to cold to wakeboard though!


Monday (Memorial Day) we headed south for a concert. In attendance was myself, Vixen, Vivi, Giggles, Giggles Fiance, and Lil Bro. Lil Bro leaves in two weeks for Army basic training. So in the meantime I am trying to spend as much time as possible with him. I can't beleive he is grown up enough to join the Army. In my eyes he will always be that 10 year old little boy who thought I had cooties!

Thank you to everyone who serves or has served for our Country!!!

Happy Memorial Day!!
~ E ~

Recap

Friday I left job 1 to head to job 2 (Sports Bar). From my recent accident I'm slightly doped up on pain pills so I'm in a 'speak-my-mind' kinda mood. Usually I only reach this point after a few drinks. The night is really ssssssssslllllllllllllooooooooooooooowwwwwwwwww so after encouragement from Fire Guy and his Friend I take a seat at their table and talk with them as they finish off their pitcher of beer.

They are asking questions about my accident and I am telling them the full details of why I now look 17 again (ie braces).

Fire Guy, "I wish I would have been there."

I sat there and kinda looked at him not sure what to say but before I could ask why he said; "I would have saved you."

Oh poor Fire Guy. He always wants to come to the rescue. But as I stated before I was much in a 'speak-my-mind' mood, "What would you have done? Helped me hold the paper towel to my nose?" I laugh.

He pauses a minute and then laughs to, while his friend just shakes his head at the two of us. "Ok your right," he admits hanging his head slightly, "But I still wish I would have been there."

I don't know what to say to that..... I mean really come on....... so I change the topic. Which somehow along the line the train jumps the tracks and the topic turns to X who is now volunteering with the Fire Department. Fire Guy tells me this saying that he must of heard I like Firemen ~ haha, laugh, laugh. I just role my eyes and say, "I give you permission to push him off a ladder."

Fire Guy's eyes light up, "So can I punch him now?" For months Fire Guy has been asking me if he could just punch X for everything he has done. And I keep telling him no. Besides I think if anyone has first dibs it would be Blondie.

"No you can't punch him," I laugh.

"Well can I at least make him my personal b*tch during training?" He smiles big at this new idea.

Knowing that no matter what I say he will probably do it anyway, with a smile and shake of my head I go ahead and agree.

"Does he know we dated?"

"Fire Guy noone knows me and you dated but me and you," and with a laugh I stand up and walk off.

I don't understand guys at all. I mean at all. Period. That becomes more apparent every day it seems.

I have hopes that since it is so slow I will get to leave early. These hopes are answered as GirlFriend and I duck out and head to the horse sale. Ended up being a fun, yet uneventful night. Its nice to have those every once in awhile.

Saturday..... what did I do Saturday?

Oh yes I went and picked Vixen up at the airport. She has been gone this past week to the beach. Lucky her. While gone I stayed at her house and was woken up every morning (yes I said every morning) at 6:40 a.m. by a bird flying into the bedroom window. He would then flutter at the window and when unsuccessful would move to the next window and after several failed attempts would then land on the ledge. Very persistent little thing.

You Can't Hide Forever

X: So, I guess I'll be seeing u tomorrow...

Me: huh?

X: concert

Great......... I knew there would be a run in sooner or later. Maybe there will be so many people there that he won't see me and vice versa...... Yeah i'm not that lucky.

Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

With Pen To Paper

I picked up the phone and made the call before I could change my mind. The call I had put off for to many months as it was. I was told the paperwork would be ready this afternoon. But was I ready? A few short hours later I was driving thru the rain knowing I was doing what I had to do but not feeling any better about the situation. But with no alternatives this was my only option. I took a deep breath and pulled my coat tightly around me to shield myself from the rain; a rain that despite the temperature would chill you to the bone. I hurried from the 4runner toward the off white stucco building that looked much to cheerful on this dreary day. I walked up the few short steps and with one hand removed my hood while the other reached to turn the gold doorknob. Once inside I was greeted by a familiar face, "I have everything ready," she smiled as she retrieved a thin, manila folder from a tray on her desk. She opened it and turned it to face me and handed me a blue ink pen.

"Here is the address and here is the name you are signing it over to," she pointed as she talked my eyes quickly skimming the document. "And I just need you to sign here," she pointed to a line at the bottom that had my name typed neatly underneath.

With pen to paper I started to scrawl my name, my minds eye seeing a pair of scissors in place of the pen cutting the last string that tied X and myself together. I was flooded with a rush of emotions: happiness, nostalgia, sadness, anger, defeat, embarrassment, regret, nausea.

A sense of freedom washed over me as I left the office my copies of the paperwork clutched tightly to my chest. In a swift instance it was gone; the connection to my past life and my past self.

"So many roads. So many detours. So many choices. So many mistakes."

~ Carrie, SATC ~

Still Not Ready

So I ran into X this past weekend. With the new girl. Well "ran into" may be a strong word. In reality I entered the bar after work Friday with GirlFriend, Alice, and Punk-Rock-Chick almost immediately I am warned by another friend there that the pair is in the vicinity. As the words leave her mouth I see them out of my peripheral vision... something that after playing basketball for so many years still tends to come in handy. I see her crane her neck to see me, he has already spotted me. I never look their way. I smile to my friends and thru gritted teeth say I think I need to go. With as much grace as I can muster I fight the urge to run from the bar in tears and calmly make my exit with GirlFriend by my side. I left because I wasn't ready. I left because I was almost embarrassed to be in the same room with him. I left because the site of him still makes me want to cry. I also left out of what little once of respect I have left for him.... I did say little...... In that he has respected my wishes by not coming in Sports Bar when he knows I'm working or by showing up at other places he knows I'll be. So I kinda looked at it like he was there first. Besides the bar was empty 15 people there tops. If it had been a larger crowd I might have stayed...... but with no crowd to disappear into....



Friday was a weird day anyway.



Marine is back from Iraq!! He is so happy to be back and is wanting everyone to go out this coming up Saturday. Half of our small town will probably be there, which will include X along with several of my friend's X's I'm sure. So mentally I have been trying to prepare for this would be run in. If it weren't for Marine I probably wouldn't go. He is so excited to be home and when he requested I come it wasn't so much of a question as a "you better be there". Therefor I will hide my uncertainties and go. But I will look extra good just in case!



Pause



Halt! Wait! Hold the Presses!



Just found out X will probably not be there ~ his cousin is getting married..... didn't realize that was this weekend!! Wooooo Hooooo! Thanks Vivi! That just made my day! Now I can look forward to going out with my friends and not have to worry about any uncomfortable, awkward moments!

Carrie, "So you're a pessimist, right?"

Miranda, "Have we met?"

~ Sex & The City ~

25

So like a virus the "25 Things" post has spread on Facebook like wildfire!! I've been putting it off and putting it off but after being tagged several times I figured what the heck and gave in and posted it. And of course while writing it I could not think of anything to say, but once done I thought of all the things I should have said. Isn't that how it always goes! But really how honest are we on these sorta things? I mean I told 25 things but of course I was perhaps not as honest as I should have been. So here under my blanket of anonymity I will tell my 25 "truths" per say.

1. At 26 I am no where near where I thought I would be in life; I have yet to take life by the horns and make things happen in my career. Instead I just seem to have the cruise control set.
2. I miss living alone.
3. I took everyone's advice last week and told X to never call me again........ I wish I could say I haven't spoken to him since but still trying to tie up lose ends with the house.... well you see where this is going..... he has called....... But today, ah today I stood up to him and stood my ground. All over a wooden block full of knives (you know what I'm talking about? One that sits nicely on the kitchen counter?). Anyway I stood my ground and wouldn't let him have them. Petty? Perhaps.... but when you consider how much money and all he owes me and the fact I bought them.... no its not petty. I was nice about it and told him he could have our other set of knives but not that one. I could tell he was mad.
4. Being me, the person who always wants everybody to be happy and get along, felt bad and almost called him back and told him he could have the knives. But I didn't. Haven't heard from him sense. Very childish on his part. Perhaps this will make him stop calling.
5. I'm tired of stressing about money and the lack of it.
6. Some days I wish things could work out with Mr. Big ~ other days I'm thankful they haven't.
7. Rock Of Love is one of my weaknesses (it's like a train wreck ~ poor Brett when's he ever going to learn).
8. I'm ready for summer and everything that goes along with it! Warm weather, flip flops, road trips, etc.
9. I worry about my little brother (he's not really my little brother but may as well be) who leaves for the Army in June.
10. Secretly I want to take Trouble up on his offer and get on a plane and go spend a week at the beach.
11. I realize that even though I have gotten older the guys that hit on me have stayed the same age...... I take it's because I'm short I do look younger than I am.
12. Is it bad I have even considered going out with one of these younger boys? In my defense I thought he was older than he was till just a few days ago..... well that goes for 2 of them.
13. Some days I'd like to pack my bags in the car and just drive. No plan. Nothing. Just see where I end up. And start over from there.
14. I'm ready to have a family and kids (Vivi is thinking I'm crazy right about now as she reads this).
15. I think I'm starting to like beer, which I hate to admit, but oh how I miss rum!!
16. I'm not really sure I'm ready to date. Someone told me it would take me 2 and 1/2 years to get over X. That scares the hell out of me. I know its like when you fall off a horse the best thing to do is get back on..... But since Fire Guy I haven't even really met a guy I would want to go on a date with. Is it that I'm scared of getting hurt? Or that I miss X?
17. I think some of my earlier posts were more entertaining and insightful than those I have written in the past few months. Ready to get out of this funk I've been in. Maybe I need a vacation...... or just the money to pay for a vacation........
18. I miss nights with "the boys" (Don Juan, Big, Trouble, Lil Bro, and random Guy Friends).
19. I went back and bought the black heals (and they were on sale even more).
20. Out of all the guys I've ever dated Fire Guy was the nicest and I miss hanging out ~ He always took me to do the most random, fun stuff! Had we met at another point in my life I think I may have considered him a worthy candidate for a long term relationship
21. I tell everyone my magic number is 4 ~ really it's 6 but I think 2 cross each other out. Either way Vixen and I refuse to go above 10 and last year I was to broken-hearted/trying-to-rebound and didn't handle Crown to well on an occasion. Besides if I don't remember it, it didn't happen or if it did it obviously wasn't that good therefor it shouldn't count. At least that is what I will go by and refuse to admit to what may or may not have been a drunken night escapade.
22. There is a museum exhibit I'm really wanting to go see and I have a feeling I will have to sucker someone into going with me soon.....
23. I realized yesterday that my size 4 jeans are becoming to lose and that I may have to go back down to a size 2. Most girls would be thrilled with this.... me not so much. For one I don't have the money to buy new jeans and two I'm happy the way I am. This sounded really crazy but hey I warned you 25 random things.
24. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to let some of my friends read this blog.... mainly Vixen and Conscious. But I know if I do I would stop being as honest.
25. I want to be swept off my feet.

"I'm not good or real...I'm evil, and imaginary."

~ Karen, Will & Grace ~

Why, Why, Why

The past couple weeks X has been contacting me. It started off innocently enough with him requesting a copy of our last years tax's. But it didn't stop there. I mean really does it ever? He started sending me messages daily. Every morning telling me good morning and telling me he hopes I have a good day. Sometimes pointless trivial conversation. But sometimes the conversations turn to the coulda, shoulda's and I wish this or I wish that. He tells me he misses me, misses us. This is like a sucker punch to the stomach that sends me falling helplessly to my knees. "I still love you" comes across as another punch; one I see coming but still dazed from the last blow I can't seem to get out of the way. Then I, always glutton for punishment, asked him if he was over me.... his reply, "Honestly no, and I don't know what to do. I'm trying to move on but it feels like there is something I'm leaving unfinished. Like when you try to go on a trip but feel like you are forgetting something. If I was ready to move on with my life I don't think I would feel that way. It's just so confusing."

I feel myself falling to the ground, buckled over in pain from the blows, tears flowing freely. How can he say this? He's the one that has moved on.. the one that is already in a relationship with somebody else. I mean I've tested the waters. I've hung out with guys and went on dates, which I'm free to do. But I'm not in a relationship. And I'm not the one in a relationship telling him that I still love him. WTF?

I feel the anger stirring inside as I start to pull myself up off the ground. With a swift back hand motion I wipe the tears from my face. The heat of anger radiating off my face.

So let me get this straight... you love me? Yes. You miss me? Yes. But you don't want to be with me? You don't want to try and work things out? ~ Yeah makes whole hell-lot-of sense to me!

He tells me he doesn't feel certain either way... furrowing of brow..... well doesn't that mean you take time to yourself and figure it out? Of course not. That would make to much sense. Sense the sarcasm?

I want to know what the secret is for moving on? Someone must know! I sure as hell don't. Every time I try it seems I take two steps forward and three steps back. I'm doing good and then he contacts me (which he always does first). I just don't understand the reason why. I mean whats the point? He's moving on. He's dating someone else. Why tell me this? Why make me cry? He's happy why can't he let me try to move on and be happy? Instead it's like he keeps knocking my feet out from under me. Why won't he just let me let go? why? Why? WHY?

Let me let go, baby
Let me let go
If this is for the best
Why are you still in my heart
Are you still in my soul
Let me let go

I talked to you the other day
Looks like you make your escape
You put us behind, no matter how I try
I can't do the same

Let me let go, baby
Let me let go
It just isn't right
I've been two thousand miles
Down a dead-end road

~ Faith Hill, Let Me Let Go ~

Is it...... Me?

Sleep has been somewhat of a frienemy to me as of late. I lay awake at night to many thoughts running endlessly thru my head, tossing and turning as I wait for the little blue pill of Simply Sleep to kick in. Until about a year ago I never experienced a problem sleeping or falling asleep for that matter, but like everything else in my life this to has changed. For the past few months I have felt as if sleep were sometimes an escape. The past week this has not been the case, my dreams filled with images and events involving X. Why this sudden change?

While telling of my stories I have not felt the need or inclination to really write about him or his current life. But I guess the update would be that he is now dating someone and has been for the past few months. She is..... well....... not the type of person I would have thought he would ever date. I can say this because I know/knew her ~ after all it is a small town. I hope he is happy, I really do........ ok kinda.......... sorta........ I'm still waiting for karma though I guess to settle up the debt he owes. I wish him no ill will, just wish things were perhaps not so easy for him seeing as he turned my world upside down. After his debt is settled then he can be happy. Is that to much to ask? Ok that makes me sound bitter. Which really I am not. I just believe that what goes around comes around.

I'm straying off the topic. Guys are so predictable to a certain extent. The night I told Big to never call me again, I knew that he would run back to the girl he had recently went on a few dates with. Based on what he had told me I know he thought her to be somewhat crazy, as most girls are. After an argument/episode where she had shown a different side of herself they had called it quits. In our morning talks, he had admitted that she had been calling him relentlessly wanting to 'work things out'. First and foremost Big and I have always been great friends, so to you this conversation may seem weird but for us it was normal. We always talk about anything and everything the only secret we seem to keep is the way we really feel about each other. I asked him if he wanted to give her a second chance, to which he laughed while saying no, "She went a little to psycho." I just shook my head as the topic then changed to something else. After our last night I knew he would decide to give her a second chance (confirmed yesterday). Predictable. The fear of being alone.

This has got me to questioning ~ is it me? Do I really have to high of expectations? I have so many guy friends and often times get to hear more of what guys really think than perhaps I would care to. According to them I am easy to get along with which always makes them blame the guy for the reason the relationship didn't work. Then again they also think no guy is good enough for me. But with my recent failed attempts and then seeing the guys willing to work at it with someone else really leads me to this question. Is it me? Or do I just expect to much?

Either way I'm not lowering my expectations, never settle.

"In a city of great expectations, is it time to settle for what you can get?"

~ Carrie, SATC ~

The Last Night

Sunday was spent packing, moving boxes ~and you guessed it ~ more packing! Yes after much procrastinating I am getting all my stuff out of the house. As I walked thru the house my footsteps echoing from the emptiness, I couldn't help recall the happy memories X and I had shared in our first home. But also to easily recalled the bad moments to as my eyes came upon a hole in the wall, a mishap from a drunken X falling against a piece of furniture. A hole he had promised to fix but nearly a year later the hole remains, perhaps significant of the hole that was also in our relationship that he never got around to repairing either. Yep slightly ironic I guess.

After several trips only a few stray boxes littered the floor. The house was empty of all personal items the only thing remaining was the appliances, the borrowed kitchen table, the futon, the coffee table, the small TV from the bedroom, and the stereo. Nearly done Vivi and I decide it was time for a much needed food break. On our trip to town we reminisce about our fun nights over the previous seven months in the house. We can't go out like this, we decide. It's just not right. We have to have one last in the house..... I mean heck might as well try to finish off some of the stuff in the liquor cabinet that has acquired over the past months. We weigh our options: Vodka, Cruzan Raspberry Rum, Cruzan Mango Rum, Malibu Coconut Rum, Malibu Passion Fruit Rum, Crown, and 2 bottles of wine. Did I mention I can make some kick ass mixed drinks with Rum?

We pick our poison and figure Vodka is the way to go. Vivi calls Vixen who quickly agrees to the proposed drunken stooper. We hit the store in search of something to mix with the Vodka and stumble upon Strawberry-Kiwi juice. Why we thought this was a good idea I'll never know. But with the Blender lost somewhere in box land there would be no frozen drinks in our future.

We arrive back at the house to find Vixen with a devilish grin on her face as she produces the infamous red cups. I shake my head knowing I'm in for a long night. Now think - we spent all day moving everything out of the house only to then move back blankets and pillows and the items I would need to get ready the next morning.

As I mixed the first round of potion Vivi and Vixen set up the table for beer pong. Don't know why but we've been on a kick lately..... yes while at the store we bought ping pong balls. The stereo is turned on and we laugh as we go thru old Cd's listening to songs I hadn't heard since High School. As we play the game it is apparent we are on a mission and that mission is to say good bye to the house with a night we may not remember. At one point some of the concoction spills on my always mopped floor and I don't even flinch. Normally the clean freak in me would have been all over that with the swifter mop all ready out. But somehow I have come to grasp it's no longer my house and don't feel the urge to try and keep it perfect.

The conversations are interesting as we discuss our choices in men. In that we all have a pattern of dating the wrong guys. Why is that? Why do we go for the guys with the asshole attitudes? Why do we go for the guys we know will break our hearts? I mean I'll admit even though I myself have always been viewed by others as the 'good girl', I always date the guys that have a reputation for being a little bit trouble (maybe that's the right word?). I like the type of guy who is a little ruff around the edges and not afraid to get his hands dirty, but at the same time can clean up and look nice to...... Heck PL, X, and Big can all fall into this pattern - even Fire Guy for that matter. Perhaps I need to break the pattern...... but some habits are hard to break.

The games go by quickly and before I know it I'm stumbling as I lay the futon out. Vivi places the air mattress also in the living room and we blow it up laughing all the while at each other. It's after midnight, the vodka is gone and so is one bottle of rum (just to point out they were not full bottles to start with) and my head is spinning. I quickly fall asleep and have that great sleep you can only have when you have reached a certain level ~ you know that peaceful, dreamless sleep.

All to soon my alarm sounds. My head pounds as I switch it off and head for the bathroom. Yeah I had to be at work this morning..... Vivi and Vixen had off. I now see the error of this late thought out plan. And for all you math people beer pong - beer + vodka = bad idea. Why it ever sounded like a good idea I may never know. I'll chalk it up to adrenaline rush euphoria excitement.

My head pounded, the room was spinning, and my stomach churned as I attempted my morning routine. I contemplated calling in sick. Something I have never done when hung over because honestly I really don't drink that much (at least to the point I feel this bad the next day). This morning calling in sick was definitely an option. But I sucked it up and headed for work stopping at the gas station for my normal cure all of pretzels and Dr Pepper. Last night it was fun to be young and carefree. It was great to be with two of my best friends. I don't remember the last time I truly laughed that much. The last night in the house. I may not remember all the moments but I will never forget the laughter. It's always good to end things on a good note.

"Were we all, in fact, just dating the same person over and over again?"

~ Carrie, SATC ~

Isn't It Ironic

Last night after work I came home to pick up Hyper and headed to Punk-Rock-Chick's apartment for a fun night of pizza, beer, and card games with a big group of friends. I'm not much of a drinker but when I am I have always been a whiskey/rum/vodka kinda girl but as of lately I am trying to become a beer girl. Let me explain Vixen and I were the last two of our friends that refused to sell out to beer. But on the cruise in a stooper Vixen started drinking beer and to my dismay is still doing so..... And beer is cheaper than mixed drinks........ so I'm trying to make myself drink beer. I must admit to me all beer taste the same. But $2.00 beer vs $6.00 mixed drink..... yeah I need to drink beer.

So last night Hyper ran around the apartment enjoying having so many people to give her attention and I enjoyed hanging out with this laid back group of friends. All of my friends are so different, I think that is why I love them so much.

Anyway last night when I got home I crawled into bed and switched on the TV and of course Sex and the City is on TBS so I flip to it and settle in. I have always thought myself to be more of a Carrie; in that I'm the writer of my group, I'm a talker, like Carrie I am curious, also the only thing I've ever really made in the kitchen is a mess! I mean I've taken the quiz and I'm Carrie:

"You’re the star of the show! You’re vivacious and lively, confident in your own taste, and you know what you want (well, usually). That said, you’re not without your insecurities, and you can be a tad selfish sometimes. You’re ambitious, but you still want to find a good balance between work and life. You would like to have a long-term partner, but you realise that relationships take a lot of work." (take the quiz see who you are!)

But as I watched last night I started realizing maybe I'm a bit Charlotte as well. I had always compared my relationship with X to that of Aiden. In reality he may have been a Trey, well with out the bedroom problems. Ok well the more I think about it X is nothing like Trey except for Bunny. That was my ex mother-in-law and X was a total mommas boy. Which can be a sweet, endearing thing. Or an annoying thing that keeps him from ever growing up. Either way I've added this to my checklist of what I don't want in a future guy ~ no mommas boys (but he should have a good relationship with her and respect her ~ so maybe this rule's flexible).

The BIG football game was today.... I sat at the office glued to the TV texting play-by-play texts to friends who could not be watching the game. The final score my team lost by 3 points. Those 3 points ended a 7 year winning streak.... I of course noticed the irony of this. In 2000 my team lost. Early 2001 X and I started dating at that year our team won and for Christmas he gave me the winning game score t-shirt. This became a tradition and for the past 7 Christmas I received the shirt. So today as I watched the game I told myself if they won I'd have to buy my own shirt this year...... and they lost. So they didn't win the year before we got together, they won every year while we were together, now the year we split up they lost. Ok maybe no one else sees or cares about the irony but me.

"When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses, and shouldn't throw stones. Because you can never really know."

~ Carrie, SATC ~

A Blessing or A Curse

This morning I awoke with the feeling today would be a good day. Why? I don't know just that feeling you get that things are bound to go your way. I mean think we can all agree luck has not been on my side recently.... But I'm still waiting for that to change at any time. After showering I pull on a black tank top then slip on my cute Express crop top sweater and favorite jeans. Everyone has that one outfit that flatters them and even though this sweater is not really my color, it matched with a shirt underneath and black heals always makes me feel attractive. I guess cause I'm short I like it cause it makes my torso appear slightly longer and makes me look slim. And no matter how skinny you are sometimes it's nice to accent those curves. So I leave the house feeling good. Work goes well, kinda slow but seeing as it was Friday everyone was in good spirits.


This afternoon Giggles had a meeting with Fire Guy's step-mom (here on out referred to as Fire Mom) and before hand she tells me she is going to bring up Fire Guy and see if she can find out what happened. I tell her not to but all the while I know that no matter what I say she is still going to do it. Well not only did she having a meeting but an important folder was causally left at my office so that I had to bring it to this meeting. I walk in the door and all eyes are on me. Giggles eyes dance as Fire Mom says "Oh we were just talking about you!" I smile and flush while stammering the usual "Hope it was good" line. So I end up here for longer than planned talking with Fire Mom, her asking about my life and saying how when it warms up we need to go riding horses. No matter what I just love Fire Mom she is seriously probably one of the nicest people I have ever met! She is definitely in the top five! I say my goodbyes and exit feeling slightly flustered. I hurry home to feed Hyper and the horses then head back to town for diner with Babbles and her husband.


Now I broach the topic: why is it before you date someone you never run into them? But as soon as you stop dating you see this person everywhere?! I mean really is that like Mother Nature trying to be a bitch or something? I agree with a Miranda (SATC) quote I posted awhile back, "I'm more like... we didn't work out. You need to not exist." But oh no that's not the case with me... it seems like every week I run into Fire Guy somewhere! Before we 'hung-out/dated/what-ever-you-call-it' I never ran into him, now it's as if he's everywhere. And it's not like I'm going to new places, I mean I'm pretty much a creature of habit. So on the way to diner why am I not surprised when Babbles sends me a text saying that Fire Guy is at the restaurant with a friend. I mean of course he is that is how my "luck" tends to go. And I hate myself for still slightly crushing on him. But I walk in as if I own the place, always good to appear confidant. Sportsbar is packed, I deposit my purse and jacket at the table Babbles and her husband have claimed and go to make my rounds. Hugging friends and saying hellos. I stop at the booth Fire Guy and his friend occupy both of them smiling in greeting. We exchange hello's and small talk and I quickly excuse myself, not wanting to overstay my welcome, and rejoin Babbles who is grinning like a fool. I swear sometimes they make me feel like we have been transported back to high school and Fire Guy is the cute quarterback who all my friends want to set me up with. But like high school that never really worked. The more you press someone, or appear obvious - the chances of it actually working decrease. You know I'm right. Sucks but that seems to be part of the game. Some unforeseen rule.

So we eat diner, Fire Guy and his friend leave before we do and he stops to say good bye. Also as we are eating some of X's friends come in and I silently hope that he to does not walk thru the door as well. Guess Mother Nature decided to give me a break on that one. At least she can be kind at times.

After I leave I return a missed call to Giggles who informs me that yes she did talk about me with Fire Mom. And Giggles being blunt told Fire Mom that she needed to put in a good word for me and that all my friends really liked him and thought we were a good match. Really my friends have good intentions, at least that's what I tell myself. Giggles said at this point Fire Mom started singing my praises saying that they just loved me and she had told him that he needed to hold on to me, that I was a great girl and basically I was their favorite of any girl he has brought home thus far. Yeah no pressure.... She then proceeds to tell Giggles that he went on a date with some girl from out of town and that they did not care for her and that she was not nearly as friendly as me, yadda yadda yadda.

Interpretation Fire Mom expressed to Fire Guy that they really liked me which in turn probably freaked Fire Guy out because I clearly expressed I was not looking for a relationship and here they are saying basically we need to be in a relationship. That topped with the fact he knew I was still slightly hung up on X..... oh yeah that should have been enough to send the boy running. Like how I justify things to myself?! I'm a pro at that! So one step at a time. Maybe we'll date again in the future, if not at least I've gained a new friend. And I know that if I ever needed Fire Guy he would be there. He passes my "If I were broke down on the side of the road would he come get me" test. Yeah that is how I rate my guy friends. Some friends you know would come get you no questions asked; while others are not so dependable. Yeah I think Fire Guy would at least fall into the first category.

For some reason I am always GREAT with the families. Maybe that is how I will know when I have met "the one".... his family won't like me. lol I mean PL (my first major boyfriend) his mom kept in touch with me for years, and I only really lost contact with her when I became engaged to X. Still though if I see her out she stops me and wants to talk. And X well I guess my theory with him is you divorce spouses not family seeing as I still talk to his brother and his aunt. And from the conversation today it appears that I will be riding with horses with Fire Mom and Sis come spring (which I really like both so could be fun but still). Maybe it's a curse? Or a blessing? Maybe I'm just to like-able :)

Nick, "Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close... your... eyes. You're safe. You can relax. I'm not going to kiss you. He's gonna be so sorry he lost you, so stop worrying. Forget the past. Forget the pain. And remember what an incredible woman you are. You do that and he'll realize what he lost."

Kat, "Holy crap. You're worth every penny."

~ The Wedding Date ~