Just Say No

I had never been addicted to anything. Well except maybe Dr. Pepper. But him. Yes I was addicted. Every fiber in my body screamed out longing for his touch, his embrace. But my mind... my mind said to stay away. It's a battle, one that no matter what I do some part of me is losing. As my phone went off part of me screamed just say no, but the other part could hear Vivi's voice telling me you only live once. Snow was predicted and the boys, being bored and feeling adventurous, had piled in the Jeep and were bout to hit the dirt roads that wind up in the mountains. The message was an invitation to join them. The later part won out and in less than half a second I had accepted the invitation and was told they were on the way to get me. Frantically I exchanged my pajamas for jeans and sweatshirt also pulling on my thick jacket and wrapping a scarf around my neck as I headed for the door.

I stepped out into the bright moonlight feeling the excitement in the air. Wedged in the back of Lil Bro's Jeep were Don Juan and GuyFriend, Big was in the passenger seat and Lil Bro was behind the wheel. Big climbed out and pulled the seat forward so I could climb in the back seat but a quick glance confirmed there was no way I would be able to fit back there with the good sized guys grinning back at me. With a sigh I climbed into the front and positioned myself half on the console half on Big's lap ~ wedged firmly between Lil Bro and Big. I know this was not the safest place for me to sit but going 10 miles an hour up a dirt road I decided it would be ok this once.

We made our way slowly up the mountain all of us singing along with the radio at the top of our lungs. I couldn't help but laugh at the 5 of us. The happiness in the air was contagious, all of us smiling. I love hanging with the guys. Half way up the mountain we stopped at an overlook. We all piled out into the cold night air marveling at the beauty around us, the mountain peaks visible in the moonlight. I shivered despite my layers, my teeth chattering. Big came up behind me opening his jacket pulling me against him and into the open jacket which he then wrapped around me. I started to warm up ignoring the danger sirens going off in my head. After a few moments the cold finally got the better us and we piled back into the Jeep cranking the heat up. Big wrapped his arms around me trying to help me warm up as my teeth continued to chatter. The chattering eventually ceased yet his arms remained wrapped tightly around me. Eric Clapton's Wonderful Tonight comes on the radio and it is turned up, all of us once again singing. Big leans over to kiss me on the cheek.




As we continue up the mountain the snow starts to fall, beautiful tiny flakes floating down from the sky. The ground is slightly dusted making the dark forest surrounding us appear clean and untarnished. The further we go the thicker the snow on the ground gets, as a precaution the Jeep is put in 4-wheel drive and we continue. No specific destination in mind just riding and enjoying the beautiful night and the great company. Lil Bro and I participate in conversation and I thank him for letting me tag along. "Don't thank me, thank Big. I always want to invite you." I turn to Big to say thanks but before I can he says with a smile, "I knew this would be something you would love." He was right I had never been up the mountain in the snow, the snow adding a magical timeless feeling to the air. I was glad I had decided to come.


As I smiled at him he leaned over and kissed me. I pulled back. I had meant it before when I said just friends. But when it comes to Big it seems I still have not learned how to say no. I'm addicted. "Just kiss me," He whispers squeezing me with the one arm he has around me and turning my face slowly toward his with the other hand. I hesitate. Every fiber in my body wants to kiss him. But I know better. But like an addict I am in desperate need of a hit. He pulls my face closer I lightly kiss him then quickly pull back. Like a flame knowing if I touch him to long I will get burned. He chuckles to himself as I am sure he is aware even in the dim light of my cheeks flushing. He knows I'm not much for public affection. At one point in the ride during other conversations where no one but him understands what I'm saying he says, "I speak E." Everyone laughs including me as I realize he does know me way to well.


We have been riding in the mountains for several hours at this point, reluctantly Lil Bro turns the Jeep around and we head back for home. In the warmth and comfort of Big's arms sleep quickly washes over me. As if in a haze I can hear their voices around me but the darkness is to thick and warm to break out of. It felt like only minutes but in reality I knew it was several hours later Big gently shakes me awake as he climbs out of the Jeep trying to balance himself as well as me. He sits my feet on the ground and I realize we are not at my house..... "I thought you might want to stay the night...." he trails off. I'm cold and know I need to go home despite the late (or early hour). But I don't feel like participating in that battle so grudgingly I allow him to pull me by the hand toward the house.


I grab one of his t-shirts and quickly slide it on and climb into bed. This morning the alarm went off all to soon as it always tends to do on nights I stay with him. I had been sleeping so good. For some reason I always tend to sleep better when I'm with him. I've always been one of those sleepers that don't want a guy to touch me while I'm sleeping. I want my space. I have my side of the bed. You have yours. But for some reason its always been different with Big. We seem to sleep as one, rolling when the other does. As I pull myself out of the deep sleep I feel an intense burning in my throat. It feels like it is on fire! Great I think to myself as I try to speak to wake Big up and hear the raspy voice that comes out. Ugh. "My throat hurts!" I whine. He reaches to pull me close to him as he tries to wake up. He goes to speak and stops, "ugh mine to." I lay there a moment then head to the kitchen hoping a class of water will help. As I take a sip if feels like I am swallowing sand as the water hurts going down. Damn cool night air! My body aches, my head throbs and I decided I am in need of a day off. I have not taken a sick day in over 6 months and I had worked Monday on my day off but still I felt slightly guilty as I called in sick. After hanging up the phone I crawled back into bed telling Big I wasn't going into work. He pulled me close wrapping the covers tightly around me and I quickly fell back to sleep.


How to break the addiction? I know it starts with not hanging out with him. But that is so hard to do because hanging out with him always guarantees a fun time. I enjoying his company and I enjoy the laughter it brings with it. I will try to adhere to my better judgement in the future but they say never regret anything that made you happy. This month I think I can chalk my carefree tendencies up to the one year anniversary of the loss of a friend. She was killed in a car wreck. She was to young to be called to heaven just yet. In honor of her I feel like I need to live life to fullest as she always did. Perhaps that's why I went. Either way I need to break the addiction. Cause when you are doing something you don't even want to tell your friends about, I'd say its time you admit you have a problem. Is there A Big Anonymous?

"I did know this – every second I spent with her was only going to add to the pain I would have to suffer later. Like a junkie with a limited supply, the day of reckoning was coming for me. The more hits I took now, the harder it would be when my supply ran out."

~ Jacob Black, Breaking Dawn ~

Christmas Party

Saturday morning began with the walk of shame per say as I exited Punk-Rock-Chick's car and headed for the front door of Vixen's house. My cute outfit from the night before now reeked of club smells and I longed to exchange it for a shower and sweat pants. My heals clicked on the hardwood floors as I made my way into the house. At this point I still didn't have a plan of action. Did I apologize for the previous night? Or did I act like it never happened? In the 11 years Vixen had been my best friend this was only the second disagreement to occur.... the first some 9 years ago a distant memory and unrelateable to the current one. I find Vivi and Vixen gathered around the small screen of the computer transfixed by the movie in front of them. Timidly I enter the large walk in closet and rummage in my overnight bag for the sweatpants and sweatshirt I know it contains. Never had I been more happy to change clothes nor in more of a hurry. I slid on my shoes as I walked thru the house gathering up my stuff. I was at a loss for words I didn't know what to say. I said I was going home to shower and get Hyper and that I would meet them at the Christmas party. Absentmindedly I ask where my cooler is. Vixen's face falls as she tells me about her now ex BF coming over that morning to move the rest of his stuff out. I can see it in her eyes. She wants to cry. She needs to cry. I tell her its ok to cry and as a tear slides down her face I hug her, just holding her and letting her cry. I don't mention the previous night and neither does she. Maybe some things are best to be forgotten.

Later that evening Hyper and I ventured out into the pouring rain to attend the Christmas party. This year we were having it at Nurse-Betty's house; another high school friend that I have always been close with but due to different life events we have drifted apart some over the past year. I arrive at the house along with Giggles and her BF a little after 7. Hyper is quickly off to greet all the guests happy to be the center of attention. Diner is served, drinks are poured, gifts our opened and then let the games begin! In attendance were: Nurse Betty and husband, Giggles and BF, Blondie and her BF, High School friend, and husband, Vivi, Vixen, and myself. We started off with a little Beer Pong ~ Team Vivi and E a force to be reckoned with.

Then thru the door walks Big, Don Juan, Guy Friend and another guy friend ~ they had been invited but everyone had doubted they would actually make an appearance. But after last night I assumed Big would show up only for the soul fact to torture me and.... well the universe is just that fair. A girl also arrives with them but it is not obvious which in the group she is with. I, always one to the bigger person, smiled and introduced myself ~ I think I was perhaps the only one to do so. Giggles, who is not much for outsiders, throws a snide remark out about this newest victim's age asking which one is robbing the cradle now. At this point none of my friends know about the conversations between Big and I the night before. Honestly I don't really tell my friends that much about the two of us. I prefer to keep it to myself (well except Vivi who reads this therefor knows all my secrets).

Hyper runs to greet the new arrivals and Big greets her with this funny voice he always talks to her in. She excitedly jumps around his feet as he bends down to pet her. Then he glances up at me, we make eye contact. He smiles. I smile. Then I quickly look away. I am embarrassed/humiliated. If this girl came with him I am slightly appalled. I know I shouldn't care but as I caught the glances that were exchanged between my friends I'll admit I felt like a fool. But I know Big and I'm no stranger to this game or how his mind works. The beer pong resumes and I must say Vivi was on fire! I sat out vowing that tonight I would go home to my on bed, and lets face it a few drinks and we all know I would have went home with him. But I meant the words I said the night before and I vowed to stand by them..... at least for the time being that is.

Nurse-Betty claims me as a partner for the next round and we are matched up against Vixen and Nurse-Betty's husband. It was a close game but of course I am the champ and my team wins. After this game I decide to sit out the rest of the night and watch from the sidelines. Imagine my surprise when Vixen and Big decide to team up together for the next round. Now Vixen will never admit but I always suspect that deep down she's not a Big fan. But I am happy to see them laughing together as the game begins.

The night goes on and we decide to head outside so that the smokers of the group can have a smoke-break (I am not one of them but follow anyway). As we head to the door Vixen has enough beer in her to be blunt and asks this new girl which of the guys she is with. I am behind them as we make our way up the stairs and try to contain my laughter from the shocked look on the girls face as she laughs and replies none of them. Vixen retorts, "Ok good," and walks off apparently happy with this answer. I shake my head and continue out the door.

I take a seat and Big comes up and takes the seat opposite me. He attempts conversation as Hyper curls up in my lap. It is still early in the night but I know its time for me to go. I gather my stuff and Hyper's many requirements. I swear it's like having a kid as I collect her bed, toys, bone, food bowl, and blanket. I make my rounds saying my good byes. I come to Big and tell him bye. "Your leaving?" He stands up, hugs me and tells me to be careful as he pets Hyper goodbye.

On the way to the car Giggles is fuming at the possibility that this girl could have been there with Big. I laugh at her telling her that its really ok and tell her simply that I told him I just wanted to be friends. She stops short, "Well why didn't you tell me that? I've been giving him the eat shit and die look all night?" She laughs and I can't help but laugh with her. As I climbed in the car I let the fake smile slide from my face. Was I really ok if he was with another girl? I had made the decision therefor I had to be.

A few months ago I would have probably been devastated. But that's the funny thing about growing up. You realize you have to be happy with yourself before you can ever begin to be happy with someone else. And right now I am happy with myself in that I will never again settle for less than I deserve. This journey has had its bumps in the road I admit but if I've learned anything I've learned I can make it on my own. I make my own fate. If Big and I are meant to be it'll be and if not that's ok cause I'm doing just fine on my own. After all I've made it this far.


Side note ~ The next day (Sunday) Vixen, Vivi, and myself ventured out to do a little Christmas shopping.

The first question I was asked was, "Where did you sleep last night?"
Confused I reply, "In my bed."
"Ok."
"Why?"
"Well we were taking bets," Vivi admits from the front seat.
"Bets?" I ask having a pretty good idea where this questioning was headed.
"Yep the guys left right after you did and we were guessing you probably stayed the night with Big," Vixen responds.

Interesting.

Sleeping With The Enemy

Last night as I hit "publish post" my phone goes off and of course it's Big. He invites me over, which he also had earlier and I declined. But as I listened to the rain coming down outside I think how nice it would be to curl up next to someone. I glance at the clock.... it's late..... and I'm already in my pajama's but what the hell. I tell him that if I come over I'm staying the night and with that I grab an overnight bag and head out the door. I arrive at the house to find the boys (Big, Don Juan, and another friend) all sitting on the front porch. For December and despite the rain in the air it is rather warm out. I grab a beer out of the fridge and join them on the porch. Big grabs my hand and pulls me down onto his lap where he wraps his arms around me hugging me tight. I sit there and we laugh as friend asks what his chances may be with the newly single Vixen. The conversation drifts and topics are quickly covered. After about thirty minutes my droopy eyes must have given away how tired I really was. With a nudge from Big I stand up as he tells the other two we are going to bed. I head toward the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash my face, you know the nightly before bed routine. I enter the bedroom to find him already in bed and I am pleased to see he has put my favorite pillow on my side of the bed and fluffed it and the other pillow up for me. Yes I have to have two pillows. I climb into bed next to him scooting closer to the middle and the warmth of his body. He wraps his arms around me; my back comfortably pressed against his chest.

I close my eyes and listen to the rain coming down harder now outside. The dark of the room envelopes us like a cocoon and I feel myself settle in as I inhale and exhale with the rise and fall of his chest. It really is a comfort zone. I don't know how else to put it. When I am with him there is no other place I'd rather be. I always feel so safe and protected from the outside world; almost as if nothing bad can happen to me. I guess it's that comfort that always sends me running back to him. After every failed relationship I gather the pieces of my heart and run to him knowing that he will wrap me in his arms and with a soft kiss on the forehead he mends my heart and eases my pain.

I lay awake for sometime thinking about the situations I seem to get myself into. I honestly have no clue what I'm doing or if I am making the right decisions. But sometimes perhaps its best to just live in the moment. I snuggled down into the covers my movement causing him to stir ever so slightly ~ just long enough for him to sigh and squeeze me, then the soft snores resumed.

This morning there were no alarm clocks sounding, no rushing to get ready, for the first time neither of us had anywhere to be and could enjoy our day off by sleeping in. We awoke early but then quickly drifted back to sleep, dozing in and out until finally the light coming thru the blinds insisted it time we get up. A glance at the clock showed it to be ten so we lay there and talked for a bit. Laughing at each other and the things we had done over the years. He told me of his most recent relationship and asked about Fire Guy. I'm not one to kiss and tell so the details I provided were few and sparse. As we lay there laughing at each other I couldn't help but realize this was perhaps why we always come back. Around him I can always be myself and don't have to try to pretend to be somebody I'm not. He turned on the TV and I lay there my head on his chest as we watched the remainder of I Am Legend. Once it was over I reluctantly pulled myself out of bed. Even though I had the day off my to do list was much to long to lay around all day.

Wouldn't it be nice if time would just stand still? What moment would you chose to be stuck in? Sometimes you just want to be with the one that can make you laugh.

Carrie, "What do you want?"

Mr. Big, "Why don’t we save time and you just tell me what I want?"

~ SATC ~

I'm Always Your Last Call

Like any other night I was at home doing the everyday things one does at home; washing clothes, playing with Hyper, getting ready to cook diner, etc. This morning I had awoken to snow blanketing the ground so I decided to put off my errands till tomorrow and had enjoyed a day inside. Here in the south we don't get snow very often, so when we do it's a big production. In that schools close and everybody uses it as an excuse to stay home. I tell you all this so that you understand by early evening I was feeling slightly restless. From the other room I heard my cell phone go off. I pick it up to find I have three new text messages..... apparently I didn't hear it go off the first two times........ I hit view to discover all three messages.............. are from............ Big. He asks about my day and what I'm doing. I reply and the messages go back and forth then that all familiar question comes across..... "are you dating anyone". The last we spoke mind you I had told him someone had asked me on a date and that was that. So I reply honestly and tell him no. Then that old familiar invitation arrived, the one inviting me to come over. I wait before responding. I told myself I would never step foot in that house again. But after being cooped up inside all day I'm a little stir crazy, and perhaps against my better judgement I respond yes.

As I run the brush threw my hair Lee Ann Womack's I'm Always Your Last Call, plays in my head. Cause no matter what I'm always Big's last call. So despite my better judgement I bundle up and head out in the cold to make the even shorter drive from mom's house to Big's. My house was about five minutes from his and mom's is about two. I arrive and find Don Juan, Big, Big's younger brother (who we'll call Lil Bro) and friend all gathered around in the basement hanging out. Big's brother estatic to see me runs up and picks me up in a gigantic hug. I love Lil Bro! I take a seat and become invovled in the conversation. Big scoots his chair over next to mine and places his arm around my shoulder. My fence is already very up at this point and I let the gesture go by unnoticed. After a few moments I excuse myself and go upstairs in search of something to drink. As I close the refrigerator I spin around to find Big right behind me, I had never heard him come up.

As if out of a movie he takes me in his arms and kisses me. I pull back surprised at this sudden new found affection. At my hesitation Big tells me he wants to talk. I follow him to his room where we have a seat. Normally I am a talker and all my friends can vouch for that but tonight I remained silent and allowed Big to do all the talking. After about thirty minutes he ended his little speach with a 'so maybe we should give it a go and see what happens.' I sat in stunned silence, wondering if I had heard him correctly.

"Did you hear me," he asks.
"Yes. Yes I did." I just sit there staring into his eyes looking for something that will tell me this time is different.
"Please say something....."

So I tell him my misgivings, and that maybe he is just panicing because he's about to leave for the military and wants to know he has someone to come home to. He assures me that that is not it, and as if to prove it he leans forward and kisses me again. This time I allow him to kiss me because even if for just a moment I want to believe all he has just said. Then he surprised me as we talked he quoted the Notebook (a movie I have not seen but now I feel I must). So I looked up the quote and he got it pretty word for word ~ "So it's not gonna be easy. It's gonna be really hard. We're gonna have to work at this every day, but I want to do that because I want you. I want all of you, for ever, you and me, every day."

Yes the other night I was debating weather I was a Carrie or a Charlottee but after tonight I know I am a Carrie. I am that hopeless romantic, that even though I know better I still always allow Mr. Big back into my life. I had told myself the last time was it. After another hour of heart to hearts I told him to really think about all he was saying and that I was no longer interested in hearing empty promises. We discussed how we always come back to each other and when I told him I never expected to be here with him again he seemed surprised, "You know as well as I do with us it's never really over."

In the end I told him to think about everything, even if he needs a few days, than let me know if he really does wants to give it a try between us. He is leaving in the morning with the other three at the house to go to his family's beach condo for a week. In all honesty I don't expect to hear from him during this time. In answer to his question I said ok. But then again told him to think about it and if he decided he really wants to give us a shot we'll go from there or if he realizes he said all this in a panic of being alone that that was ok to and we would remain friends. As I rose to leave he caught my arm asking me to stay the night. I knew better though and despite the fact I would have loved nothing more than to stay I returned home.

I guess you could say I'm a little shocked. All those months ago I had longed to hear those words and know that I've heard them I worry they may not be real. Like always only time will tell. But like Carrie I'm afraid for better or worse Big will always play a part in the story that is my life.

"I'll see you Sunday night. Don't disappoint us. And by us, I mean you and me."
~ Carrie to Mr. Big, SATC ~

What Your Alive?

Yesterday seemed to be a day of surprises.... Last night I was in the bed and my phone goes off. Big's name flashes on the screen. I lay there not surprised in the least. Because I forgot to mention that yesterday on my drive to work I glance in the rear-view mirror only to see Big's Jeep with of course Big behind the wheel. And you know the great part? I felt nothing! Yep even the sixteen year old girl within me has let that crush go. I never thought I'd be able to say that. And it's great!! I just wish I could go back and redo this year. I wish I would have never been fooled by the empty promises and that the sixteen year old girl within would not have been blinded by what might have been. But we live and we learn.

Anyway it's a text inviting me to come over and drink and hang out with him and Don Juan. Mind you it's 11:45 p.m. on a Wednesday night when I have worked two jobs and want nothing more than a good nights sleep. So I reply saying thanks maybe next time. I then find out why I have not heard from Don Juan in a few months... I mean no Sunday Movie night in forever! Due to lack of work, and to save money he shut his cellphone off. Nice to know they are alive but honestly I was kinda disappointed to find out they weren't rotting in hell as I had hopped (Sorry that was mean ~ but I'm always nice).

"If I went over there I'd be ignoring the one thing she asked me to do when we broke up, jump up my own ass and die."

~ Ross, Friends ~

Rose Bowl

Yesterday I left work and headed for Vixen's where the food was great and the conversations were wonderful! As I sat with my five best friends around the patio table I didn't think this day could get any better! Our lives can be so hectic it's sometimes hard for all of us to get together. These girls will always come first and at some point over the years we stopped being just friends and became sisters. Of course I am talking about Vixen, Vivi, Blondie, Giggles, and Conscious (check updates with Who's who if you need to). As we sat at the table visiting and laughing Vixen's fiance walked by and made the comment about all of us talking, "this can't be good." And with us he may be right. When we get together we can do anything and we discuss anything and everything from coloring to taking over the world ~ which we have not yet figured out how to do but give us time. :) It was great!

You girls are the loves of her life, a guy is lucky to come in fourth

~ Mr. Big SATC ~

The hours pass to quickly and it is time to head home. Vivi and I sit on the back porch as Hyper runs around the yard attacking anything and everything. Poor strand of Ivy, never saw her coming. And as I said I didn't think this day could get any better..... then my phone went off and the Id showed a number I did not know. Hesitantly I picked up to discover it was Fire Guy! The Rose Bowl was about to come on and he said he was watching it. So Vivi encourages me to invite him over to the house to watch the game with us. Maybe I should point out here that I am sober and Vivi has had a few glasses of wine and is in rare form! So I ask and he says yes! A short time later he gets to the house. I had told Vivi he was cute but she informed me, "he is not cute, he is HOT!!!" So let me say he is the kinda Fire Guy you would let rescue you any day.

Now I will add that Vivi had an interesting day and had locked the keys in her car (to which Don Juan and Big were no help ~ deduction of brownie points). As we watch the game Vivi says something about locking her keys in the car. Fire Guy says he is confident that with a hanger he can get it open. So at half time we grab a flashlight and hanger and head outside. After several attempts he is not successful, but he doesn't give up. He pulls out his cellphone and places a call. Twenty minutes later the keys are out of the car without costing Vivi anything for our stupidity. (Yeah he gets brownie points for getting things done).

Once the game is over he tells us goodnight and I walk him out. He asks when I want to go kayaking (would that be considered a date?) and I tell him anytime just to let me know. He smiles and tells me he'll give me a call. Vivi's advice is I need to fake drowning so he can give me mouth to mouth..... which may not be a bad idea. lol

Either way it was a great day. Hopefully he'll call again and maybe we can hangout. And me kayaking? Yeah that could be a funny experience!

"Hello, 911. I'm on fire!"

Samantha (upon seeing a firefighter) SATC

Reflecting

Is it bad that it is now Monday morning and I still feel slightly affected from the rum Saturday? Yeah I thought so to. So let me give you a recap of my weekend. And let me tell you this was a fun weekend that may have had to many exciting events.

I'll start out with Friday. Vivi, Blondie, Vixen and myself started out with diner at the sports bar and made our way around town from there. I won't discuss much of Friday night but any night you actually think it's a good idea to ride a mechanical bull is a fun night! Once home I get a phone call from Big. Long story short he had swerved to miss a deer and ran off the road. So of course I went and got him and then helped him all Saturday morning to get things straightened out.

Now Saturday was a fun day! Probably one of the most fun days I have had in awhile. Vivi, Blondie, Don Juan, Big and myself loaded up and headed 40 minutes south to a sports bar that was showing our College teams football game. Now I should state here come football season we are all big supporters of our favorite college team. So we get to the sports bar thats showing the game and it's packed! Here we meet up with 2 of Big's other friends who I will just call Guy 1 and Guy 2. After some waiting we get a table and settle in to eat, drink and watch the game. We ran into another group of friends who had also come to watch the game. It was nice to see some of these people who I was so close to before X and I split, mainly the guys, cause honestly some of their girlfriends are just a little to fake if you know what I mean. Overall I think everyone had a good time. After the game we headed back to town to sportsbar to visit with bartender. With our big group the place was packed as we all visited enjoying the relaxed atmosphere. Up until this point many suspected Big and I might have something going on but very few knew the truth. Well after Saturday I think it's safe to say I think everyone knows. I may as well have had on a shirt that said, "I'm with Big" (which Vivi is taken care of for me) ~ and I should point out he is the one who let the cat out of the bag. Is this a good thing or a bad thing? Not sure yet. I kinda liked the idea of it being a secret but maybe its a good sign he is now telling everyone. Who knows. Overall it was a great day!

But in reflection we all know I care about Big but do I ever really see myself with him? I'm 50/50. After this weekend I thought "How could I ever want to date him" but then Vivi was so nice to point out how happy I can be when he is around.

Sunday Vivi, Blondie and myself headed to the lake where we laid in the sun relaxing. Weekends like this I feel so lucky and so blessed to have such great friends. And how lucky are we to be able to go the lake anytime we want? Blondie's parents have a house and boat dock right on the lake. Great for those lazy day recoveries!

And today is labor day. I decided to work half a day since I will be gone on the cruise this next week. But this afternoon I will be headed to Vixen's for a cookout with all our friends. So here's to great friends, great times, and great food!

It's Big, It's Pink.....

It's an elephant. Big and X did go together to take the test. How do I know? X told me. Weird? You bet! Today Don Juan and I were texting back and forth (he asked if I might want to be his new roommate - go into that later) and I asked him if Big was serious. And Don Juan said yes that Big is serious about joining. So how do you like that for turn of events? And Big will not talk to me. Yeah so that's the end of that.

Now back to being roomies with Don Juan. It has it's pros and cons. Location would be a big pro. But I've seen this boys idea of housekeeping and let me tell ya it's a far cry from my own. It's not time to cross this bridge just yet so I'll leave these thoughts for another day.

Today I also created a who's who page if your having trouble keeping all the characters straight. The link is to the right or http://sites.google.com/site/lifeofasinglegirl/Home/whos-who

Hope that helps!

The Pink Elephant

Last night I was. Home. Alone. And. Bored. So I picked up the phone and texted one of my best guy friends, Don Juan. Normally we do Sunday movie night but life has been so hectic lately we haven't done one in awhile and I was in need of quality time with the guys. I enjoy hanging with my girls but sometimes you just need to be one of the guys. I guess because for so many years I was one of the guys -I need those days every once in awhile to recapture those young, carefree days. And they are always fun and entertaining and sometimes a little interesting. Now I know what your thinking isn't Don Juan Big's roommate? And the answer is yes. But Don Juan and I have been friends for years and no matter who either of us dates or whatever, we are friends no matter what. That's the bottom line. Has been and always will be.

So I head over hoping Big will not be there but I prepare myself in case he is. I haven't spoken to him in over a week so I'm a little nervous. I pull in the driveway and there is his truck. And Don Juan's car. And now brace yourself..... another vehicle. Crap. I had not prepared myself for the possible "worst case scenario" - what if he has another girl here?

I enter the house and Don Juan is sitting on the couch waiting for me. Big's door is closed and I can hear the noise of a football game coming from within. I keep my cool and head for the comfy chair. Yes, you know what I'm talking about that big overstuffed chair that every bachelor guy's-guy has. The one that is so comfortable when you sit down it feels as if it wraps it's arms around you. I quickly claim it and we start discussing which movie to watch. Then out comes Big. He says hi and is all friendly. Asking the "how are you", "what have you been up to", generic questions. I answer all the while thinking, "if you'd reply to your text messages you'd effing know." But alas I bit my tongue. By this time my mind has started to work and I realize no one else is here (I admit I felt a little relieved) and that the vehicle in question belonged to Don Juan's mom if I remember correctly...... so anyway Big is nice. I'm nice.

Then our other friend RC shows up. Now RC is a cutie and funny as hell but way to young! I think he is early twenties.... anyway so Big returns to his football game and Don Juan, RC and myself watch Fools Gold. I had fun hanging with the guys. Then as I start to leave I debate on weather I should tell Big bye or not and decide that I should. So I go to his door, I don't knock but open the door - he's laying on the bed watching a boxing match. I tell him bye and that I'm going home. He replies, "your leaving?"........................ did you just ask yourself what the hell?! Yeah I did to.............. So I answer yes and he says, "well come give me a hug."

I do and close his door again feeling utterly confused. I hug Don Juan and RC bye and RC so young but at times so thoughtful tells me it's raining and to be careful driving home.

Now to make the night more interesting I forgot to mention X called Don Juan to ask if Big was going to go with him Monday to take the military test. Great just great. I don't know the answer. Did they go together today or not? Don't know. If they did I feel as if there is a big pink elephant in the car. Riding in the backseat. You know it's there but you don't want to acknowledge the fact it's there. And I hope that my name DOES NOT come up!! But what else do they have in common really? So I'm sweating that a little today. And I know this new 'friendship' is why Big has backed off. Just wish he had the guts (or balls) to tell me. And trust me if they go together that pink elephant will have to have had a few drinks to survive that trip! lol

So back to last night. I go home and on the way I sent Big a text asking what's up. It was nice, yet to the point. Did he reply? No and I knew he wouldn't but I felt better for having spoken my mind. I'm not upset. Why? Because with Big I just know deep down that it's never really over. For better or worse he'll always be there if I really need him. Still not sure if that is a good thing...... and once home I got a nice text from RC asking if I made if home okay. It wasn't from the person I wanted it to be from but it was nice to know that RC, no matter how young he is, can be a gentleman at times. The world needs more nice guys.

Miranda: Men—wait, let me rephrase that—some men...

Carrie: Good move, counselor. That will look much better

on the court transcripts of this dinner.

SATC

Girls Night

Last night Vivi, Vixen, Blondie, Giggles, Babbles, and myself went out for a girls night. We went out to eat at one of our favorite local joints and enjoyed drinks, diner, and conversation. I tell ya when we get together no topic is off limits and it amazes me sometimes how open we are with each other. Feeling a little tipsy and not yet ready to go home we decided to walk to the sports bar close by which is owned by a very dear friend Bartender. She laughs at us as we walk in and claim seats around the bar. Blondie's ex is there with the new gal which was interesting. But no fireworks ~ everything went good. Bartender lined us up with drinks as we continued to laugh the night away and speculate about things better left for sober discussions. Should've known we were in trouble when Bartender pulled out the shot glasses and passed them around. With a toast I don't remember we clinked our glasses and bottoms up. When Bartender passes out the shots you never know what you are getting and if you ask she will not tell. Just a smile on her face as she asks if it was good. The shot burned as it went down and it seemed to have a kick at the end. Bartender grinned at me as I stated this and whispered "that kick was 100 proof." And I tell you what I felt it! Perhaps a 100 times over. lol

The night slipped away all to soon and we hugged bartender, bid our goodbyes and made our way to the next bar. I was feeling my liquor at this point and felt as if I were trying to drown away my sorrows and if that were the case I was doing a damn good job of it. We entered the bar all buzzed enough to walk and act like we owned the place. Which I should point out is normal for us. If you act confident people will believe you are, even if you are from it.

All of a sudden I saw a blast from my past a girl who at one time Vixen and myself had been close to - Eclipse. We had not seen Eclipse in years! We embraced and laughed as we caught up. It was great to see her! Then she asked, "So are you and Big married yet?" My jaw drops as Vixen snickers under her breath. I finally choke out a reply, "No but I do still talk to him occasionally." Vixen shoots me a look like 'is that all' to which I ignore. "Huh," Eclipse states, "I always thought you two'd end up together." I quickly change the subject at this point still in a druken shock by the question. We laugh and talk about the old days and fun times we had with Big and Don Juan.

The night dwindles by and it's time to go home. Blondie and I, for lack of a more accurate word, fall into the backseat of the Firebird and Vixen claims shotgun and Vivi (who is not drunk ~ we don't drink and drive) climbs behind the wheel. The ride home went by in a blur of laughter and I'm sure Vivi was ready to kick us out of the car. But she was patient and we arrived home safetly where more drinks were poured and the cards were delt. We always like a good game of cards.

Our Day Thus Far

I originally posted this on (Mis)Adverntures of a "what if I do?" girl( http://whatifidogirl.blogspot.com/ ) ~ but it ties in with my other post today so thought I would also post it here. See I'm not the only one who gets aggravated with guys? lol


So during the day while Vivi and myself are at work we tend to text or email back and forth during downtime. I thought today's email would be a good post for today. I thought it was good for a laugh. Of course names have been changed :)

From Vivi:
Texting is not working for me today so I thought I'd just e-mail ya.

He should have at least said something back last night. They are so freaking confusing! He had no right just to leave it hanging. (Can you tell I'm fixing to let my frustration out on him?) He should know that by doing that he is going to make it harder for you to ever trust him in the future... friends or more.

Now, as for why he didn't reply? It was rather lateish whenever you sent it. He could have went to sleep, been playing some sort of game or something. You know me, I always try to think the best. Sometimes that's hard though. Now, do you think I pushed too hard? WHY IS HE NOT REPLYING? It was sooo innocent too. Oh well, I just don't want to loose the friendship too. I mean, come on now. I'm NOT CRAZY. lol

So yeah, back to tourism and pr.

My Response in which Vivi replied under each number in green
1.Big - I agree he should have replied (today is day 1 of freeze out - see blog lol) but it wasn't that late it was only 10 last week when he sent me a message it was like 11. Next time we are alone I'm going to say something along the lines of benefits are great - the friends part needs some work - and this isn't a one way street. I mean if he wouldn't have replied the 1st time that would be one thing but why reply to one and not the next? Just pisses me off!!
Freeze you aye? Well good luck with that one. I know you better than that and I know him. I bet you get a message tomorrow night when we are doing girls night or something. Yep, leave it up to them to screw things up.

2.Don Juan ~ another pain in my ass! lol yes your text was innocent and he should have replied. He may have been busy at work. I think if you haven't talked to him by next week you need to send a msg saying you don't want to be like Clingy Chick and you don't want things to be weird and that you can still be friends without him freaking out that your trying to tie him down.
LOL, another pain? tell me about it. I just don't get it. Earlier in times when he wanted to do stuff he was all about it. Now when I send stuff--whatever. I will leave him alone and I will never bring up that I know how he felt about her but eventually I might have to stay that I want the friendship to keep going. I'm not saying that I want to hang out with him and some other girl on the weekends but we should still be able to be friends. Also, this is my weekend! LOL I feel like this is a custody thing. hahah not really, but two weeks? Come on now!

3. Blog - you started it ~ write on it! lol I can't keep up 2 on my own and if our lives don't get more interesting soon I'm going to have to start making up stuff! lol
I will but honey I just don't have time! I can't do it at work and when I get off I've been busy this week. Tonight is lions and merchants and packing... but I will try to come up with something interesting... even though my life is defiantly not interesting at this point.

4.Have a good day
You too! I'm going to have lunch with someone from ______ Power in a few.
5. Another quote that made me laugh:
Miranda: Who is this Amalita Amalfi character anyway? I'm concerned that you've been drafted into a ring of high-class hookers.
Carrie: She isn't a hooker. She's... she's like an international party girl.
Miranda: She's a hooker with a passport.

GREAT quote.. love that one. It is very true!!!

Ado

As always I was at the point I was ready to bid ado to Mr. Big and say goodbye to the past and move on. That was the resolution that played thru my head as I climbed into bed last night. After not hearing from him for several days I had convinced myself it was time to let go. I lay in bed snuggled down amongst my gazillion pillows, my eyes closed listening to the TV drone softly in the background. Then from my nightstand my cellphone went off informing me I had received a text message. I assumed it was one of my girlfriends as I picked it up and hit read. But no there was his name and the message read, "what r u doing?"

I'll be honest my heart stopped as I replied and waited for a response. Then the next thing I knew I was heading out the door in my pajamas to make the 3 mile drive from my house to his. And yes I did say 3 miles which makes late night rendezvous almost to convenient and hard to say no to. So I arrive at the house he shares with his roommate/bestfriend who we will call Don Juan, and the door is unlocked so I quietly let myself in. All the lights are off in the main room but this isn't my first rodeo and like always I head to his closed bedroom door. I ease it open and he looks up as I come thru the door. He is laying in bed watching Ali, an ultimate guy movie. I sit down on the bed next to him and silently sit there watching the TV unsure of what to do. Usually when we are at this point one or both of us has had a few drinks and it seems it is easier to perhaps go with the flow.

He reaches up for me, wraps his arms around me and pulls me down next to him while quietly saying, "Come here." I lay there - his arm around me, my head on his chest. We lay in silence laughing occasionally at the movie or making small talk about events before us on screen. He knows his facts when it comes to history and sports so I listen and try to participate to the best of my knowledge.

Then the movie is forgotten about as he leans down and kisses the top of my head and asks about my day. I feel as if I am under a love spell. One I need to break free from but lack the strength or desire to do so. I question if I should stay the night or leave when the movie is over. But when he asks me what time I have to get up for work I know the answer to the question.

Like every other time I am with him I lay there in the dark, his arms around me and the still night air filled with his soft snores, I question will this be last time I am here? Over time it has become less exciting and more routine. I'm getting in to deep, I feel myself starting to let emotions become involved. It is time to swim back to shore... but the problem is I'm swimming in circles in the darkness of night with no moon to guide me to shore.

Morning seems to come all to soon, just like always, as first his alarm goes off and then mine. We lay there a few moments neither wanting to move. But it is a new day and I can't be late to work. So I hug him goodbye, give him a quick kiss on the cheek then I am gone to start a new day.


Big: First of all--well, there are so many damn gorgeous women out there in this city-
Carrie: What an amazing observation!
Big: But the thing is this: After awhile you just want to be with the one that makes you laugh. Know what I mean?