25

So like a virus the "25 Things" post has spread on Facebook like wildfire!! I've been putting it off and putting it off but after being tagged several times I figured what the heck and gave in and posted it. And of course while writing it I could not think of anything to say, but once done I thought of all the things I should have said. Isn't that how it always goes! But really how honest are we on these sorta things? I mean I told 25 things but of course I was perhaps not as honest as I should have been. So here under my blanket of anonymity I will tell my 25 "truths" per say.

1. At 26 I am no where near where I thought I would be in life; I have yet to take life by the horns and make things happen in my career. Instead I just seem to have the cruise control set.
2. I miss living alone.
3. I took everyone's advice last week and told X to never call me again........ I wish I could say I haven't spoken to him since but still trying to tie up lose ends with the house.... well you see where this is going..... he has called....... But today, ah today I stood up to him and stood my ground. All over a wooden block full of knives (you know what I'm talking about? One that sits nicely on the kitchen counter?). Anyway I stood my ground and wouldn't let him have them. Petty? Perhaps.... but when you consider how much money and all he owes me and the fact I bought them.... no its not petty. I was nice about it and told him he could have our other set of knives but not that one. I could tell he was mad.
4. Being me, the person who always wants everybody to be happy and get along, felt bad and almost called him back and told him he could have the knives. But I didn't. Haven't heard from him sense. Very childish on his part. Perhaps this will make him stop calling.
5. I'm tired of stressing about money and the lack of it.
6. Some days I wish things could work out with Mr. Big ~ other days I'm thankful they haven't.
7. Rock Of Love is one of my weaknesses (it's like a train wreck ~ poor Brett when's he ever going to learn).
8. I'm ready for summer and everything that goes along with it! Warm weather, flip flops, road trips, etc.
9. I worry about my little brother (he's not really my little brother but may as well be) who leaves for the Army in June.
10. Secretly I want to take Trouble up on his offer and get on a plane and go spend a week at the beach.
11. I realize that even though I have gotten older the guys that hit on me have stayed the same age...... I take it's because I'm short I do look younger than I am.
12. Is it bad I have even considered going out with one of these younger boys? In my defense I thought he was older than he was till just a few days ago..... well that goes for 2 of them.
13. Some days I'd like to pack my bags in the car and just drive. No plan. Nothing. Just see where I end up. And start over from there.
14. I'm ready to have a family and kids (Vivi is thinking I'm crazy right about now as she reads this).
15. I think I'm starting to like beer, which I hate to admit, but oh how I miss rum!!
16. I'm not really sure I'm ready to date. Someone told me it would take me 2 and 1/2 years to get over X. That scares the hell out of me. I know its like when you fall off a horse the best thing to do is get back on..... But since Fire Guy I haven't even really met a guy I would want to go on a date with. Is it that I'm scared of getting hurt? Or that I miss X?
17. I think some of my earlier posts were more entertaining and insightful than those I have written in the past few months. Ready to get out of this funk I've been in. Maybe I need a vacation...... or just the money to pay for a vacation........
18. I miss nights with "the boys" (Don Juan, Big, Trouble, Lil Bro, and random Guy Friends).
19. I went back and bought the black heals (and they were on sale even more).
20. Out of all the guys I've ever dated Fire Guy was the nicest and I miss hanging out ~ He always took me to do the most random, fun stuff! Had we met at another point in my life I think I may have considered him a worthy candidate for a long term relationship
21. I tell everyone my magic number is 4 ~ really it's 6 but I think 2 cross each other out. Either way Vixen and I refuse to go above 10 and last year I was to broken-hearted/trying-to-rebound and didn't handle Crown to well on an occasion. Besides if I don't remember it, it didn't happen or if it did it obviously wasn't that good therefor it shouldn't count. At least that is what I will go by and refuse to admit to what may or may not have been a drunken night escapade.
22. There is a museum exhibit I'm really wanting to go see and I have a feeling I will have to sucker someone into going with me soon.....
23. I realized yesterday that my size 4 jeans are becoming to lose and that I may have to go back down to a size 2. Most girls would be thrilled with this.... me not so much. For one I don't have the money to buy new jeans and two I'm happy the way I am. This sounded really crazy but hey I warned you 25 random things.
24. Sometimes I wish I had the courage to let some of my friends read this blog.... mainly Vixen and Conscious. But I know if I do I would stop being as honest.
25. I want to be swept off my feet.

"I'm not good or real...I'm evil, and imaginary."

~ Karen, Will & Grace ~

My Jacob

I, like every other female in America, am thoroughly addicted to the Twilight Saga. Love it! Love it! Love it!!! As I turn the pages of Eclipse I realize I may not have found my Edward but I have found my Jacob. Ah Jacob you can't help but love him and yet pity him all the same time. For all of us I am sure have loved someone that we know will never quite feel the same way in return.

While reading New Moon, something had tugged at the back of my mind ~ a connection I was unable to make. But as I read Eclipse it dawned on me; I realized who Jacob was. Trouble was my Jacob. The best guy friend who is always there for you. I love Trouble and I tend to refer to him as my rock ~ the one guy in my life I know I can count on. After X moved out it was Trouble that called me daily to check on me (I think he was afraid I would have a breakdown). It was Trouble that I cried to. It was Trouble who gave me advice from a guy's perspective. It was Trouble I shared my doubts and fears with. It was Trouble who helped Vivi and I put the house back together.

Since Trouble has let me know time and time again that he would like to be more than friends. And I have let him know time and time again that I just can't risk losing him if it didn't work out. Selfish on my part - perhaps. But it's the truth, I value his friendship to much. When Edward left it was Jacob that Bella turned to. X was no Edward by any means but Trouble was the one that when I feared being alone came over and watched movies with me and kept me company.

He promises me that I will never lose him, a promise that even thru some difficult situations he has kept. Our friendship has survived a lot over the years. But at least monthly he brings up the possibility of "us". Just last week he sent the message, "Unlike you I think we would be good together."

He is not as serious as Jacob, I don't think, thank goodness. But like Bella I to love my Jacob. He will always hold a place in my heart, I'm just afraid it'll never be the place he would like to hold.

Sucks that is the way it is. Because I to have been Jacob. Having feelings for a friend you know only sees you as a friend. I mean haven't we all? Ah the complications of life and love.

Ok.... Enough rambling got to get back to Eclipse, 200 pages to go.

"It’s not like love at first sight, really. It’s more like… gravity moves. When you see her, suddenly it’s not the earth holding you here anymore. She does. And nothing matters more than her. And you would do anything for her, be anything for her… You become whatever she needs you to be, whether that’s a protector, or a lover, or a friend, or a brother."

~ Jacob Black, Eclipse ~

Night To Remember

Birthday's are always dreaded. But why? Is it the fear of growing old or just the sense of impending doom? Never fails every year something. always. goes wrong. Maybe it's because you get your expectations up. Who knows. With that being said Vivi made sure I had a great birthday! Or at least did so many shots I wouldn't remember it......... not sure which!

Saturday night was the night we were all going out. The original plan was to go North to a mystery diner theater. Something different from the norm and sounded like fun. Well after the trip I knew everyone was short on cash so suggested we do something else. Giggles suggested going to sports bar to watch the football game (keep in mind she is the one who said she didn't have the money). So everyone agrees on this plan B.

Saturday afternoon I'm cleaning house / playing with Hyper when Giggles arrives and we sit on the back porch eating chips and catching up. She then drops the bomb that she is not coming to sports bar with the group. I'm ok with that little aggravated cause we changed the plans for her. But I quickly let it go. I know we'll still have fun. I'm determined this is going to be a good day. I've been so down about X but I had vowed this birthday I would celebrate life without him. Is it a sign that it went the way it went?? I'm going to say no and hope that its true!

Anyway so Vivi, bless her heart, drives the hour and a half to get here even though she has to be back to work Sunday morning. She arrives at the house to greet me, Vixen, and Blondie. Vixen and Blondie had already made their first drink and we're all giggles as I got to open my presents. I loved my stuff!! Vivi got me an interesting gift I can't wait to use......... you really don't want to know.

We head to sports bar where the night starts out good with food and drinks. Then it's like the plane took a nose dive....... Vixen and Blondie said they wanted to head south (about an hour and a half away) to go clubbing. To clarify we live in the middle of nowhere. I'm a little shocked by the announcement. Vivi tells me I can go but she has to work the next day so she's not really up for an all-nighter. I appreciate her selflessness, but there is no way I'm abandoning her after she has come so far to spend my birthday with me. I tell Vixen and Blondie if they want to go then they can.... and they do. Shocked? Yeah so was I. My feelings were more hurt than anything. Of course they realized the next day that they may have been influenced by beer and apologized profusely. But I'm not ready to forgive just yet. I'll get over it, I mean they have done so much for me and have been there so much for me lately I can't expect them to be there every time. If it hadn't been my birthday it wouldn't have bothered me at all.

After they left Vivi started ordering me shots. They went down way to easily. Fire Guy had to work this weekend but came by to check on us. And we had another friend that was with us who gave Vivi and me a ride home. Back at the house a few other friends came over and we played card drinking games and laughed into the night. I awoke the next morning with my pajama pants on but I still had my bra and t-shirt from the night before on....... yeah apparently I had a little to much to drink! Memories of the night before were fuzzy but one thing stuck out. Trouble.

I have not mentioned Mr. Trouble yet. Well I have but not by name (I Miss You Post). Trouble is probably my BEST guy friend. We have been friends for years and since my dad's death he is probably the only guy that I consider the steady rock in my life. He gave me the courage to make some of the hard decisions I have made in the past year, along with sound advice even if it was not what I wanted to hear. Why have I not mentioned him then? Because his girlfriend is the bitch from hell (BFH). She is jealous of our friendship I guess and I must admit she has a right to be considering Trouble and I have crossed the line of friendship before but quickly jumped back. But that is our secret. Trouble and I usually talk about once a week or at least every other week. Strictly on a friend level and when BFH is not around. I feel shady about this, yes, but I'm not willing to lose this friendship. Well for work he is out of town so we have talked more recently than normal. And when I say talked I mean texted. The new form of talking I guess.

Anyway not real sure all that was said.... on my part at least cause I had deleted my outbox..... but my inbox had several interesting messages in it. And apparently Vivi and I discussed flying out next weekend to see him. I'm going with the rule "if I don't remember, it didn't happen." I did talk to Mr. Trouble Sunday and things are all good. Got to love best friends.

And thanks again to Vivi who made my birthday one to remember...........