Part 2 ~ I Lost My..... Toothbrush?

Continued....

Saturday I worked diligently. Well diligently till 3:30 when I couldn't take it anymore, said to hell with it, and locked the door behind me as I made my early escape. Ahh what I wouldn't give to go home and take a nap. But no to much to do. Places to go, stuff to pack, etc. I head home to pick up Hyper and some random items, it is then a quick stop at the store and on the way to Vixen's again. DMOF calls and asks if he can meet up and ride with me. He is going to ride back with Marine1. Sure. Why not.

With spring in the air Saturday was deemed the perfect day for the 1st cookout of the year. Vivi, Vixen, Blondie & BF, Giggles & BF, Marine1, DMOF and many others gathered to join in the festivities and the games that were to follow. Vixen had a guy friend coming from out of town who was bringing a single friend to hook up with Vivi or myself.

By the time they arrived the rum had settled in to the point I was brutally honest. And being brutally honest this hook up guy was a plain dork. Oh my. I mean he may have been nice.... but as one put it if you looked up annoying in the dictionary you would see a picture of this guy. Seriously.

Vivi disappears only to lock herself in the bedroom. Alone. Yeah clear message she thinks hook up guy is a dork to. A drunk, annoying "hey lets smoke pot" dork by this time. I don't smoke. Never have. Probably never will. We all sit around the bonfire watching as he acts as if we aren't there.

Marine1 puts his arm around me snickering as he says "he's a winner." I try to jab him in the gut with my elbow but he senses it coming and tightens his grip on me pulling me so close to him I can't move.

As everyone gets ready to leave I realize it is going to be just me and drunk annoying guy left. Everyone else has went to bed. Vivi has locked me out of the bedroom. Looks like couch for me. Drunk annoying guy is getting cheesier by the moment. He has an Air Mattress set up in the basement but what if everybody leaves and he wants to talk and won't leave me alone?? In a desperate plea I turn to DMOF and beg him not to leave me. He laughs. Then annoying guy says something else stupid which perhaps thankfully made DMOF feel guilty.

Maybe I should say I'm slightly bit tipsy at this point. Ok there was no little bit about it. I was plain tipsy. And ready to pass out. We head inside where DMOF and I push the coach and loveseat together and with a few pillows and blankets create a make-shift bed. I curl up and DMOF puts his arms around me. I snuggle up next to him. Cozy and warm. Its that good drunk feeling. The one where your light headed and happy. He leans down and kisses me. Now this is where DMOF gets his name ~ Drunk Make-Out Friend. Yep you read that right. I would never date DMOF. But he is a cute, nice guy. And somehow on more than one occasion when I have been drinking we end up making out. Hence the name.

I won't lie it was nice to be kissed. Nice to curl up next to someone and have them hold you while you sleep. And to wake up in the morning and not regret it.

Tonight as I type this Sex and the City is on TBS the episode is "Are We Sluts." Interesting topic considering some of the recent events. In the past week I have had the opportunity to color with 3 different guys. I said no. I'm not a one-night-stand type girl. Yet I almost feel like one for just making out with a guy. I need to let go of some of my old fashioned thoughts. But really how do they sleep with all these random guys like it is nothing? Is it because in a large city where you may never see these people again you can almost pretend it didn't happen? Is that one of the differences between small town life and city life?

Anyway I awoke Sunday morning and headed to the bathroom. I opened the drawer in search of my toothbrush (I have a tooth brush I leave at Vixen's) the case is there. It's empty. I search the drawer. No toothbrush. I search ALL the drawers.... No toothbrush. I had used it just hours before when I was getting ready for bed. I search the bathroom...... no toothbrush....... Ok. Huh.

I open the door. "Random question...." Four faces (Vivi, Vixen, Vixen's GuyFriend & DMOF) stop and look up at me. "Has anyone seen my toothbrush?"

Samantha, "They practically chased me with torches like I was fuckenstein."

Carrie, "Oh, relax, they can't evict you for having sex."

Samantha, "Of course, not, they're just jealous, they're a bunch of dried up old farts who haven't had sex since Eisenhower, and I remind them of what they can't have. (Sigh) It might be time to move."

Carrie, "No you can't move! You have a rent-control apartment on the Upper East Side."

Samantha, "Honey, this isn't rent control, this is life control."

~ Sex & The City ~

Tuesday Moving and Movies

Ok so moving. Yeah. It has drug on for months now. Why? Not real sure. Maybe because I really didn't want to move in the first place. Maybe because I know that with the house I am giving up a sense of my freedom and independence; so like a life line I cling to it. Cause even though it is nearly empty, it is still home. And truth be told I miss it terribly. I miss going home on nice evenings and going for walks thru the small neighborhood with Hyper and then enjoying diner on the back porch. I digress. So today BG came and helped me move the fridge and stove out.

Yes, I am talking about the same BG who I received the drunken text's from. I saw him a few days after that night and with a laugh I told him he was a worse drunk texter than myself. With a "Yeah" and a laugh we moved one both acknowledging the fact of what was said but in a silent mutual agreement we would not let it affect our friendship and pretend it never happened.

So for the past two months I have been trying to round up some muscle power to move these two heavy items. And it seems everytime I think I have help it rains or something happens and they have to cancel. This going back to Trouble being really the only guy friend I can always count on. But Trouble has been out of town for work. Stupid me should have thought of BG sooner. BG is similar to Trouble in that I can always count on him and he always does what he says he will do. Which I am a big believer in. So he showed up and together we got everything else moved. I need to do one last walk thru of the house this weekend and gather a few stray items and I will be done. Everything will be out. Kinda bittersweet.

Then tonight some of the girls (Giggles, Babbles, Alice, random GirlFriend) and myself went to see He's Just Not That Into You. During the car ride random GirlFriend coined us the Blonde Mafia. Which seemed quite fitting. The movie was pretty good. It had its moments. The problem is when I watch a movie I usually try to identify with a character within the movie. I could relate to several of the characters, but as I sat there with my four friends who are all happily in relationships, I couldn't help but feel like the girl at the end of the movie who is alone and starting over. Which is just what I'm doing. But the others had an ending..... her..... well it just showed her moving into a new place...... what was her ending? I wanted some closure for her. I don't want to spoil the movie; you'll see what I mean if you watch it. Overall it was a cute movie. But it left me wondering at some of the crazy antics - do some girls really act like that???

“A girl will never forget the first boy she ever likes.”

~ He's Just Not That Into You (movie) ~

Girl's Night

Let me start off by saying it's great to have a cosmetologist for a best friend! Saturday night as we get ready to go out Blondie takes over and with a few sweeps of her magic makeup brush and some swipes with a straightener I am transformed into a sleek, single goddess. For the Girls Night Out it was Blondie, Vivi, and myself and with Vixen MIA this weekend Alice was thrilled to take her ticket. We arrived at the club, the line to get in was backed up down the sidewalk, people huddled close together trying to stay warm from the cold night air. Looking at the line and the people waiting to get in I was thrilled we would not be joining it. As we walked past the line and straight to the door Blondie gave the guy her name, quick scan at the list, and we were in. So far, so good! The night is still a little early but the place is already swarming with people. We are served drinks and we wander around checking out the place ~ within the club there are 5 bars, each strategically placed so that it is always convenient to order a drink.

Vodka/Redbull in hand I follow my girls out on the dance floor. The night passes quickly and the drinks go down way to easy. The celeb of the night arrived and we had a chance to meet her briefly. An interesting point in the night but far from the highlight....

At one point in the night Blondie spots this guy with a huge Afro, laughing she says we have to get a picture with him. Not being the one afraid to talk to anyone she beelines towards him and his friends where after some conversation Blondie, Vivi, and I posed with him for a quick pic.

Mingling I spoke with a lot of different people, one guy in particular was relentless actually seeming interested and asking questions. At first glance he didn't seem my type (his friend sure did though! ( So @ 24 this made me think of your posts and if this is what you go thru I'm sorry!!!) but heck thus far my type has not been so nice to me. So in my stupor (this was several drinks later) I participate to the best of my ability in conversation. Vivi and Blondie said I had the beer goggles on. Alice said he was cute. When in doubt take a pic so you can decide later! Which is what I did. And since his worthiness was up for debate when asked for my number I went ahead and gave my real number (when in doubt I give Vixen's..... she used to do this to me all the time and now its time for paybacks on my part!). After reviewing the pictures I think the guy is not as bad as Vivi and Blondie made it out to be. But we all have our own tastes so to each their own.

Overall it was a fun night! And due to sleep deprivation this post is probably not as entertaining as it should be! Hyper did not understand though this morning at the crack of dawn when I tried to explain patiently to her I required more sleep. Head spinning I peak open an eye to find her sitting on my chest a toy in her mouth. Still feeling slightly intoxicated I try to coax her back to sleep. She won't have it demanding to go outside. 30 minutes later I crawl back in bed and turn on the TV. Hyper sits in the middle of the bed watching as FRIENDS comes on the screen. Yes she likes to watch TV. As the episode comes on she lays down and is soon back to sleep. I on the other hand cannot drift back off. Ahh the joys of having a puppy!

"If you are single there is always one thing you should take out with you on a Saturday night... your friends."

~ Carrie, SATC ~

The Christmas Gift

Last night as Hyper and I sat at home trying to finish last minute Christmas stuff I received the best Christmas gift I could have ever received. Mom has a bunch of VHS tapes of us from horse shows from over the years and I had decided that for Christmas I was going to try to transfer these to DVD for her. I sat in front of the recorder trying to comprehend the directions on which of the million buttons to push and in which order to make it actually do what I wanted it to do. I then glanced thru the tapes that I had taken from Mom's when one catches my eye. It's not one I recognize. It's not labeled with a show name or location. Or a specific horse's name as most of them are. It simply reads "XXX Trip". Curiously I put it in and press play. The Eagle Mountain Stables appears as the cameraman walks down the hall of the barn. I realize this must be a copy of tape from the trip some friends from WWWW had made when they were up visiting. I almost pressed stop but then one of my favorite horses from growing up appears on the screen.

My finger lingered over the stop button, my attention captivated as the camera panned to my Dad and Guy trying to catch one our young cows. Others appear and I laugh at the antics of so many people trying to catch this calf, Dad's voice barking orders from someplace off screen. Then dad turns and gives his classic look of shrugging his shoulders while smiling and slightly rolling his eyes. I was used to that look. This was the look he always gave when someone wasn't doing something the way he had told them to do it, when in reality if it were done his way the task would be complete. I hate to admit it but alot of times I did things the hard way when perhaps I should have just done it his way.

Then the camera cuts off and when it comes back on Dad is sitting there playing the guitar. For two years Mom and I have said we wished we had a recording of Dad playing his guitar, neither of us realizing this tape existed. For two years we have called friends that were at horse shows with us hoping one of them had a tape of everyone after the show gathered around while Dad played. We had never found one.

Then all of a sudden its later in the day and it is only Dad and myself on the screen. You can hear every ones voices as they are gathered in the living room talking and deep in conversations. In the kitchen oblivious to everyone else I sit on a bar stool at the counter and Dad is standing across from me. He is playing the guitar and both of us are singing. Its obvious we don't know we are being filmed. As I watch I can't help but to start crying. After two years I had nearly forgotten what his voice sounded like. Now I had this special father daughter moment on tape and it meant more to me than any gift I could have received.

Mom and I have watched all those tapes several times over the past few years; laughing at Dad at the horse shows enjoying just being able to see him. How had this tape been overlooked for so long? It was right there with the rest of them. How come I had never seen it, or even remembered seeing it's label? As strange as it may sound I think this was my Christmas present from Dad this year. And it's the greatest gift I have ever received.

Christmas isn't about gifts, or material items. The best gifts in life are free. I hope you all have a magical Christmas.

Phoebe, "Chandler, your being here is the best Christmas present I could have ever imagined."

Chandler, (Flattered) "Aw."

Phoebe, "Now give me my real gift."

~ Friends ~

Christmas Party

Saturday morning began with the walk of shame per say as I exited Punk-Rock-Chick's car and headed for the front door of Vixen's house. My cute outfit from the night before now reeked of club smells and I longed to exchange it for a shower and sweat pants. My heals clicked on the hardwood floors as I made my way into the house. At this point I still didn't have a plan of action. Did I apologize for the previous night? Or did I act like it never happened? In the 11 years Vixen had been my best friend this was only the second disagreement to occur.... the first some 9 years ago a distant memory and unrelateable to the current one. I find Vivi and Vixen gathered around the small screen of the computer transfixed by the movie in front of them. Timidly I enter the large walk in closet and rummage in my overnight bag for the sweatpants and sweatshirt I know it contains. Never had I been more happy to change clothes nor in more of a hurry. I slid on my shoes as I walked thru the house gathering up my stuff. I was at a loss for words I didn't know what to say. I said I was going home to shower and get Hyper and that I would meet them at the Christmas party. Absentmindedly I ask where my cooler is. Vixen's face falls as she tells me about her now ex BF coming over that morning to move the rest of his stuff out. I can see it in her eyes. She wants to cry. She needs to cry. I tell her its ok to cry and as a tear slides down her face I hug her, just holding her and letting her cry. I don't mention the previous night and neither does she. Maybe some things are best to be forgotten.

Later that evening Hyper and I ventured out into the pouring rain to attend the Christmas party. This year we were having it at Nurse-Betty's house; another high school friend that I have always been close with but due to different life events we have drifted apart some over the past year. I arrive at the house along with Giggles and her BF a little after 7. Hyper is quickly off to greet all the guests happy to be the center of attention. Diner is served, drinks are poured, gifts our opened and then let the games begin! In attendance were: Nurse Betty and husband, Giggles and BF, Blondie and her BF, High School friend, and husband, Vivi, Vixen, and myself. We started off with a little Beer Pong ~ Team Vivi and E a force to be reckoned with.

Then thru the door walks Big, Don Juan, Guy Friend and another guy friend ~ they had been invited but everyone had doubted they would actually make an appearance. But after last night I assumed Big would show up only for the soul fact to torture me and.... well the universe is just that fair. A girl also arrives with them but it is not obvious which in the group she is with. I, always one to the bigger person, smiled and introduced myself ~ I think I was perhaps the only one to do so. Giggles, who is not much for outsiders, throws a snide remark out about this newest victim's age asking which one is robbing the cradle now. At this point none of my friends know about the conversations between Big and I the night before. Honestly I don't really tell my friends that much about the two of us. I prefer to keep it to myself (well except Vivi who reads this therefor knows all my secrets).

Hyper runs to greet the new arrivals and Big greets her with this funny voice he always talks to her in. She excitedly jumps around his feet as he bends down to pet her. Then he glances up at me, we make eye contact. He smiles. I smile. Then I quickly look away. I am embarrassed/humiliated. If this girl came with him I am slightly appalled. I know I shouldn't care but as I caught the glances that were exchanged between my friends I'll admit I felt like a fool. But I know Big and I'm no stranger to this game or how his mind works. The beer pong resumes and I must say Vivi was on fire! I sat out vowing that tonight I would go home to my on bed, and lets face it a few drinks and we all know I would have went home with him. But I meant the words I said the night before and I vowed to stand by them..... at least for the time being that is.

Nurse-Betty claims me as a partner for the next round and we are matched up against Vixen and Nurse-Betty's husband. It was a close game but of course I am the champ and my team wins. After this game I decide to sit out the rest of the night and watch from the sidelines. Imagine my surprise when Vixen and Big decide to team up together for the next round. Now Vixen will never admit but I always suspect that deep down she's not a Big fan. But I am happy to see them laughing together as the game begins.

The night goes on and we decide to head outside so that the smokers of the group can have a smoke-break (I am not one of them but follow anyway). As we head to the door Vixen has enough beer in her to be blunt and asks this new girl which of the guys she is with. I am behind them as we make our way up the stairs and try to contain my laughter from the shocked look on the girls face as she laughs and replies none of them. Vixen retorts, "Ok good," and walks off apparently happy with this answer. I shake my head and continue out the door.

I take a seat and Big comes up and takes the seat opposite me. He attempts conversation as Hyper curls up in my lap. It is still early in the night but I know its time for me to go. I gather my stuff and Hyper's many requirements. I swear it's like having a kid as I collect her bed, toys, bone, food bowl, and blanket. I make my rounds saying my good byes. I come to Big and tell him bye. "Your leaving?" He stands up, hugs me and tells me to be careful as he pets Hyper goodbye.

On the way to the car Giggles is fuming at the possibility that this girl could have been there with Big. I laugh at her telling her that its really ok and tell her simply that I told him I just wanted to be friends. She stops short, "Well why didn't you tell me that? I've been giving him the eat shit and die look all night?" She laughs and I can't help but laugh with her. As I climbed in the car I let the fake smile slide from my face. Was I really ok if he was with another girl? I had made the decision therefor I had to be.

A few months ago I would have probably been devastated. But that's the funny thing about growing up. You realize you have to be happy with yourself before you can ever begin to be happy with someone else. And right now I am happy with myself in that I will never again settle for less than I deserve. This journey has had its bumps in the road I admit but if I've learned anything I've learned I can make it on my own. I make my own fate. If Big and I are meant to be it'll be and if not that's ok cause I'm doing just fine on my own. After all I've made it this far.


Side note ~ The next day (Sunday) Vixen, Vivi, and myself ventured out to do a little Christmas shopping.

The first question I was asked was, "Where did you sleep last night?"
Confused I reply, "In my bed."
"Ok."
"Why?"
"Well we were taking bets," Vivi admits from the front seat.
"Bets?" I ask having a pretty good idea where this questioning was headed.
"Yep the guys left right after you did and we were guessing you probably stayed the night with Big," Vixen responds.

Interesting.

Isn't It Ironic

Last night after work I came home to pick up Hyper and headed to Punk-Rock-Chick's apartment for a fun night of pizza, beer, and card games with a big group of friends. I'm not much of a drinker but when I am I have always been a whiskey/rum/vodka kinda girl but as of lately I am trying to become a beer girl. Let me explain Vixen and I were the last two of our friends that refused to sell out to beer. But on the cruise in a stooper Vixen started drinking beer and to my dismay is still doing so..... And beer is cheaper than mixed drinks........ so I'm trying to make myself drink beer. I must admit to me all beer taste the same. But $2.00 beer vs $6.00 mixed drink..... yeah I need to drink beer.

So last night Hyper ran around the apartment enjoying having so many people to give her attention and I enjoyed hanging out with this laid back group of friends. All of my friends are so different, I think that is why I love them so much.

Anyway last night when I got home I crawled into bed and switched on the TV and of course Sex and the City is on TBS so I flip to it and settle in. I have always thought myself to be more of a Carrie; in that I'm the writer of my group, I'm a talker, like Carrie I am curious, also the only thing I've ever really made in the kitchen is a mess! I mean I've taken the quiz and I'm Carrie:

"You’re the star of the show! You’re vivacious and lively, confident in your own taste, and you know what you want (well, usually). That said, you’re not without your insecurities, and you can be a tad selfish sometimes. You’re ambitious, but you still want to find a good balance between work and life. You would like to have a long-term partner, but you realise that relationships take a lot of work." (take the quiz see who you are!)

But as I watched last night I started realizing maybe I'm a bit Charlotte as well. I had always compared my relationship with X to that of Aiden. In reality he may have been a Trey, well with out the bedroom problems. Ok well the more I think about it X is nothing like Trey except for Bunny. That was my ex mother-in-law and X was a total mommas boy. Which can be a sweet, endearing thing. Or an annoying thing that keeps him from ever growing up. Either way I've added this to my checklist of what I don't want in a future guy ~ no mommas boys (but he should have a good relationship with her and respect her ~ so maybe this rule's flexible).

The BIG football game was today.... I sat at the office glued to the TV texting play-by-play texts to friends who could not be watching the game. The final score my team lost by 3 points. Those 3 points ended a 7 year winning streak.... I of course noticed the irony of this. In 2000 my team lost. Early 2001 X and I started dating at that year our team won and for Christmas he gave me the winning game score t-shirt. This became a tradition and for the past 7 Christmas I received the shirt. So today as I watched the game I told myself if they won I'd have to buy my own shirt this year...... and they lost. So they didn't win the year before we got together, they won every year while we were together, now the year we split up they lost. Ok maybe no one else sees or cares about the irony but me.

"When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses, and shouldn't throw stones. Because you can never really know."

~ Carrie, SATC ~

Just Tuesday

Despite my best efforts Hyper has successfully removed her cast; much to her excitement and much to my dismay. Tomorrow she has an appointment with the vet anyway so I guess if she was going to do it, today was the best possible day.

Tonight I had diner with Blondie and Punk-Rock-Chick. The food was great (as always), the drinks were good, and the conversation…. Well it’s always interesting! Everybody is getting ready for Thanksgiving. Vixen is leaving in the morning for the west coast. And as always before heading to the airport she tells me the last minute important info; i.e. If something happens to her I get all her stuff, I get one of her dogs (Vivi the other), and strict instruction to burn any embarrassing evidence before her mom can find.

I always enjoy Thanksgiving but this year I'm kinda dreading it. I'm going to miss the craziness of the day as X and I tried to make it to 3 (yes 3) Thanksgiving meals. This year I will attend only one, which will be great! But still I will miss my extended family and the traditions I had come to love. Sigh But once again I must not look back, I must keep my eyes forward to the horizon.

Charlie Brown, "We've got ANOTHER holiday to worry about. It seems Thanksgiving Day is upon us."

Sally Brown, "I haven't even finished eating all of my Halloween candy."

~ A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving ~

Day In The Life Of Hyper

Much to Mom's dismay I awoke early, and when I say early I mean the sun wasn't even up yet. But I had to go outside! So I whined until mom, half asleep let me outside. I wanted to stay out and play but it was to cold and rainy so I used the bathroom quickly and headed back to the warmth of my bed. I wanted to play but at 4:30 a.m. Mom wasn't really in the playing mood. So I laid in my bed trying to be good and play with my toys quietly...... but all I have are squeaky toys and lets face it sometimes they accidentally squeak.... or maybe it wasn't an accident but shush don't tell!

After awhile I guess I drifted off to sleep because the next thing I knew I heard the annoying noise that goes off every morning. I'm not sure what it is exactly but whatever it is it makes mom get up. So I went back outside this time with my half brother and sister. They live with Grandma and for the last week me and mom have been staying at Grandma's. I don't think my brother and sister like me that much. My brother doesn't like it when I play with his toys and my sister is always trying to hide from me. That can be a fun game though, I always find her!

Then my breakfast time! Breakfast! Frosted Flakes are my favorite! After breakfast mom tried to give me this creamy stuff, which is quite good, but after I eat it she always sticks this little white thing in my mouth that I have to swallow. I don't know what it is but I don't like it! Then I watched as Mom fixed my crate. Fresh towels, filled my food and water bowl up and gave me a chewy bone. I don't know where she goes when she puts me in the crate..... Normally I use this time to sleep, eat my bone, play with my toys, or I also like to dump out my water bowl and see how much of a mess I can make. But not today! Since I got home last week there has been this weird thing on my back leg, its hard and not real comfortable. It seems to be in the way and slows me down. Also since I got it Mom won't let me run as much. So today I figured if I could get it off mom might let me run.


It took nearly all day but I was able to tear some stuff off of it. I tugged and pulled but I just couldn't get it off! So I continued to work on it. Mom got home to early and ruined my plans. I was so happy to show her the progress I had made, she didn't look real happy though! If I didn't know better I would think she was mad, but you know since I've got home Mom doesn't say "no ma'am" nearly as much she sure must have missed me while I was gone!!


I was happy to go outside but Mom took this weird thing that made a lot of noise and wrapped it around my leg before she would let me go out in the rain. I didn't like it. I also don't like the rain and normally I refuse to go use the bathroom in the wet grass. But to make Mom happy I did, also I wanted the noisy thing off my leg. Back inside mom took it off but held me still while she took some white stuff and wrapped it back around my leg. All my hard work down the drain. I guess she just doesn't understand.

After playing, eating diner, and playing some more I decided it was time to relax. So now I lay bundled up in my warm bed watching TV. Give me about 15 minutes and I'll be rested and ready to terrioze some more.....

"Dog?! Where?"

~ Scooby Doo ~

Backup

It is now day 23 of 30 days of blogging and I am experiencing some sort of writers block.... I sit trying to coax an idea out of Hyper but she is content to lay in her bed and stare at the TV deeply enthralled by the TBS movie of the night, Monster-In-Law. I rack my brain trying to think of a topic. So when in doubt perhaps one should consider their backup. I am one of those people that 9 times out 0f 10 have a plan B. With that being said it should come as no surprise that I have a Plan B or backup plan for my love life as well.

It all started when I was 17 and my best guy friend (Electric) and I made a deal that if we were not married by a certain age we would get married. I mean I know I'm not the only one who has a backup. He is slightly older than myself and we settled on when I turned 25, shook on it, and our deal was made. I remember sitting there on his front porch making that deal. Both of us had been recently dumped if I recall correctly. At 17, 25 seemed so far away.... Over the years he has dated some of my friends, shaking of head, and I always carefully explained the rules to them 'if it doesn't work out he's still my backup.'

Fast forward years later. 25 came all to soon! lol Electric and I are still great friends and we have extended the plan to 30..... which is 4 years away! So there is my backup plan! Leave comments and tell me yours :)

Ok this is a long quote but I love this!!!

Rachel: We’re gonna find love!
Phoebe: Definitely!
Rachel: Yeah, I’m pretty confident about that. That’s what makes it so easy for me to be 80% happy for Monica and Chandler! It would be nice to have a little guarantee though.
Phoebe: What do you mean?
Rachel: Well y’know, some people make deals with a friend, like if neither of them are married by the time they’re 40, they marry each other.
Phoebe: You mean a backup?
Rachel: Exactly!
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah I got that.
Rachel: You do?
Phoebe: Hm-mmm.
Rachel: Who?
Phoebe: Joey.
Rachel: Joey?!
Phoebe: Yeah!
Rachel: Are you serious?!
Phoebe: Yeah, I locked him years ago!
Rachel: Wh… So… If neither of you are married by the time you’re 40, you’re gonna marry Joey.
Phoebe: Yep, we shook on it. Yeah but believe me that is not how he wanted to seal the deal.
Rachel: Oh, seriously?
Phoebe: Ohh, yeah. I think his exact words were… (She makes two clicking sounds with her tongue and purrs.)
Rachel: Charming.
Phoebe: Well hey, it’s just a backup.
Rachel: Yeah.

~ Friends ~

A Blessing or A Curse

This morning I awoke with the feeling today would be a good day. Why? I don't know just that feeling you get that things are bound to go your way. I mean think we can all agree luck has not been on my side recently.... But I'm still waiting for that to change at any time. After showering I pull on a black tank top then slip on my cute Express crop top sweater and favorite jeans. Everyone has that one outfit that flatters them and even though this sweater is not really my color, it matched with a shirt underneath and black heals always makes me feel attractive. I guess cause I'm short I like it cause it makes my torso appear slightly longer and makes me look slim. And no matter how skinny you are sometimes it's nice to accent those curves. So I leave the house feeling good. Work goes well, kinda slow but seeing as it was Friday everyone was in good spirits.


This afternoon Giggles had a meeting with Fire Guy's step-mom (here on out referred to as Fire Mom) and before hand she tells me she is going to bring up Fire Guy and see if she can find out what happened. I tell her not to but all the while I know that no matter what I say she is still going to do it. Well not only did she having a meeting but an important folder was causally left at my office so that I had to bring it to this meeting. I walk in the door and all eyes are on me. Giggles eyes dance as Fire Mom says "Oh we were just talking about you!" I smile and flush while stammering the usual "Hope it was good" line. So I end up here for longer than planned talking with Fire Mom, her asking about my life and saying how when it warms up we need to go riding horses. No matter what I just love Fire Mom she is seriously probably one of the nicest people I have ever met! She is definitely in the top five! I say my goodbyes and exit feeling slightly flustered. I hurry home to feed Hyper and the horses then head back to town for diner with Babbles and her husband.


Now I broach the topic: why is it before you date someone you never run into them? But as soon as you stop dating you see this person everywhere?! I mean really is that like Mother Nature trying to be a bitch or something? I agree with a Miranda (SATC) quote I posted awhile back, "I'm more like... we didn't work out. You need to not exist." But oh no that's not the case with me... it seems like every week I run into Fire Guy somewhere! Before we 'hung-out/dated/what-ever-you-call-it' I never ran into him, now it's as if he's everywhere. And it's not like I'm going to new places, I mean I'm pretty much a creature of habit. So on the way to diner why am I not surprised when Babbles sends me a text saying that Fire Guy is at the restaurant with a friend. I mean of course he is that is how my "luck" tends to go. And I hate myself for still slightly crushing on him. But I walk in as if I own the place, always good to appear confidant. Sportsbar is packed, I deposit my purse and jacket at the table Babbles and her husband have claimed and go to make my rounds. Hugging friends and saying hellos. I stop at the booth Fire Guy and his friend occupy both of them smiling in greeting. We exchange hello's and small talk and I quickly excuse myself, not wanting to overstay my welcome, and rejoin Babbles who is grinning like a fool. I swear sometimes they make me feel like we have been transported back to high school and Fire Guy is the cute quarterback who all my friends want to set me up with. But like high school that never really worked. The more you press someone, or appear obvious - the chances of it actually working decrease. You know I'm right. Sucks but that seems to be part of the game. Some unforeseen rule.

So we eat diner, Fire Guy and his friend leave before we do and he stops to say good bye. Also as we are eating some of X's friends come in and I silently hope that he to does not walk thru the door as well. Guess Mother Nature decided to give me a break on that one. At least she can be kind at times.

After I leave I return a missed call to Giggles who informs me that yes she did talk about me with Fire Mom. And Giggles being blunt told Fire Mom that she needed to put in a good word for me and that all my friends really liked him and thought we were a good match. Really my friends have good intentions, at least that's what I tell myself. Giggles said at this point Fire Mom started singing my praises saying that they just loved me and she had told him that he needed to hold on to me, that I was a great girl and basically I was their favorite of any girl he has brought home thus far. Yeah no pressure.... She then proceeds to tell Giggles that he went on a date with some girl from out of town and that they did not care for her and that she was not nearly as friendly as me, yadda yadda yadda.

Interpretation Fire Mom expressed to Fire Guy that they really liked me which in turn probably freaked Fire Guy out because I clearly expressed I was not looking for a relationship and here they are saying basically we need to be in a relationship. That topped with the fact he knew I was still slightly hung up on X..... oh yeah that should have been enough to send the boy running. Like how I justify things to myself?! I'm a pro at that! So one step at a time. Maybe we'll date again in the future, if not at least I've gained a new friend. And I know that if I ever needed Fire Guy he would be there. He passes my "If I were broke down on the side of the road would he come get me" test. Yeah that is how I rate my guy friends. Some friends you know would come get you no questions asked; while others are not so dependable. Yeah I think Fire Guy would at least fall into the first category.

For some reason I am always GREAT with the families. Maybe that is how I will know when I have met "the one".... his family won't like me. lol I mean PL (my first major boyfriend) his mom kept in touch with me for years, and I only really lost contact with her when I became engaged to X. Still though if I see her out she stops me and wants to talk. And X well I guess my theory with him is you divorce spouses not family seeing as I still talk to his brother and his aunt. And from the conversation today it appears that I will be riding with horses with Fire Mom and Sis come spring (which I really like both so could be fun but still). Maybe it's a curse? Or a blessing? Maybe I'm just to like-able :)

Nick, "Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close... your... eyes. You're safe. You can relax. I'm not going to kiss you. He's gonna be so sorry he lost you, so stop worrying. Forget the past. Forget the pain. And remember what an incredible woman you are. You do that and he'll realize what he lost."

Kat, "Holy crap. You're worth every penny."

~ The Wedding Date ~

The Message

Today I worked on unpacking and cleaning! New work schedule I'm off Monday's and Tuesday's.... which sucks but with Hyper home it was nice to spend the day with her. She's like a little kid who's sick and bored to death. And she's aggravated at me because I won't throw the toys for her ~ she can't understand she doesn't need to be running around. But she is glad to be home! And I am glad to have her home as well.

I have mentioned before that I am sentimental which can translate into I keep everything! I think I may be part pack rat... I mean seriously I think I may have every card X has ever given me along with anything that was special at the time. And some of it I'm still not ready to throw away just yet. The fun part about cleaning can be finding memories that have been tucked away. By this I mean pictures. I found so many pictures of Giggles and I from over the years; high school, college, Halloween costumes, sporting events, birthdays ~ the fun times were endless!

Also I stumbled upon an email that I had printed out because it touched me then and rereading it today I was once again touched by the message.

Hello God, I called tonight to talk a little while I need a friend who'll listen to my anxiety and trial. You see, I can't quite make it through a day just on my own... I need your love to guide me, So I'll never feel alone. I want to ask you please to keep my family safe and sound. Come and fill their lives with confidence For whatever fate they're bound. Give me faith, dear God, to face each hour throughout the day, and not to worry over things I can't change in any way. I thank you God for being home and listening to my call, for giving me such good advice when I stumble and I fall.

Your number, God, is the only one that answers every time. I never get a busy signal, never had to pay a dime. So thank you, God, for listening to my troubles and my sorrow. Good night, God, I love you too, and I'll call again tomorrow!

The man whispered, "God, speak to me" and a meadowlark sang. But, the man did not hear. So the man yelled, "God, speak to me" and the thunder rolled across the sky. But, the man did not listen. The man looked around and said, "God let me see you." And a star shined brightly. But the man did not see. And, the man shouted, "God show me a miracle." And, a life was born. But, the man did not notice. So, the man cried out in despair, "Touch me God, and let me know you are here." Whereupon, God reached down and touched the man. But, the man brushed the butterfly away and walked on.

I found this to be a great reminder that God is always around us in the little and simple things that we take for granted ... even in our electronic age .. so I would like to add one more: The man cried, "God, I need your help!" And an e-mail arrived reaching out with good news and encouragement. But, the man deleted it and continued crying ... Don't miss out on a blessing because it isn't packaged the way that you expect. My instructions were to send this to people that I wanted God to bless and I picked you.

Makes you stop and think doesn't it? How many times have we asked for signs from God and then perhaps not noticed his response. I'm sure I am guilty of this, for recently I have been asking for God's help a lot. I hope this touches you as it has once again touched me.

(Doorbell rings, Charlie walks down the stairs rubbing his eyes)

"Two o'clock in the morning, this better be God."

~ Charlie Harper, Two and a Half Men ~

Hyper Comes Home

I awoke this morning to a bubbly Blondie wanting to know what I wanted for breakfast from Chick-fil-a. Oh how I LOVE Chick-fil-a!!! She was meeting me at the house to help me pack/move and chicken minis were a great way to start off the morning! She knows me way to well. So we arrived at the house and began moving boxes. You really don't realize how much stuff you have until you start moving!! Why is that? For me it's because I tend to live by the philosophy 'out of sight, out of mind'. And in a big house it was easy to put stuff in the guest room closet, or the upstairs loft, or the basement...... the storage places were endless. And yeah I may have went overboard on the after Christmas sales last year...... meaning I may have purchased enough decorations to decorate a small village. In my defense however X and I were to broke before Christmas last year to buy decorations so when things went on sale I purchased stuff to use this year..... which won't happen now...... kinda sad. Oh well not dwelling on that, moving on. Packing. Well I already had a bunch of stuff packed so we mainly loaded the stuff in the car and drove the few miles to mom's to unload. My old room still looks like that of a High School girl.... so some redecorating will have to be done.

In the process of moving I get a call.... Hyper is ready to come home! The moving came to a screeching halt and Blondie and I piled in the 4runner both anxious to see Hyper. We arrive at the Vet's office and I wait patiently, well I tried at least, but after a week I really wanted to see my little terror. Then from the back I could hear her barking as they brought her out. As she catches sight of me her whole body (all 7 pounds or so) starts to wiggle in excitement. I am greeted with puppy kisses and I hold her tight so happy (and relieved) to see her. Her back leg is in a cast and bless her heart she looks so cute hopping around. We arrive home and she is ecstatic, grabbing her toys and bones not knowing which to play with first. I was told to keep her movement to a minimum.... hello have you seen a Jack Russell...... yeah near impossible!! So I quickly place her in her bed, with her favorite fleece blanket, and surround her with her toys. This seems to please her and she is content to lay in her bed taking turns sniffing and biting on her toys. I have a feeling for the next few months she is going to be even more of a diva and high maintance than she usually is..... but thats ok by me, I'm glad to have my little terror home!!

(To the dog, in a baby voice)

"You are just so cute. I wish I could stay here and play with you all day but I have to go to work. I hope I stop talking like this before my big marketing meeting, yes I do."

~ Rachel, Friends ~

Transition

Hyper Update: I am anxiously waiting to hear from the vet in the morning and hope that I will be able to bring Hyper home. I miss her so much!!

Last night, despite the cold, I slipped on a cute cluby outfit and headed out with Giggles. We met up with Punk-Rock-Chick and some other friends and headed for the club. As we searched for parking I was surprised to see the clothes some of the girls waiting to get into the club were wearing, or should I say lack there of. I mean its 40 degrees (give or take) out and some of the girls are in tank tops and short, barely there skirts. Yeah that is just not me! We stand outside huddled closely together as we wait to get in. Apparently we are being held up by a guy who is kindly being told by the girl at the door that his name is not on the list. None of us had ever been to this club before and all of a sudden I felt quite special knowing our names were on the list. I shiver from the cold as we move forward. The girl at the door greets Punk-Rock-Chick with a smile and a hug and with a "have fun" we are sent thru the door.

It's smaller on the inside than most clubs I have been in, but like most clubs/bars the lights are low and the music is loud. The night is spent drinking and dancing. A guy comes up and asks me to dance. With a smile I say sure. And after dancing a moment I notice Punk-Rock-Chick's boyfriend approach me, he grabs my hands pulling me away from the cute stranger and starts dancing with me as he pulls me toward the bar. Punk-Rock-Chick quickly appears to punch him in the arm asking what he is doing. He replies he was saving me. The group gathers around us, at this point I am slightly embarrassed. But I have to laugh Puck-Rock-Chick said to look at me and he thought she said for him to save me. With a laugh I grab Punk-Rock-Chick and Giggles and go back to dancing.

Finally Giggles and I decide to head home, which is a good hour forty-five minute drive. Overall it was a fun night but I felt as if I was wearing a mask. Plastering on a smile while on the inside I wanted to cry. My heart is still in a million pieces.

Today was not any easier. I'm so tired of feeling down. But I know time will heal my wounds.

I am in this transition period as well. I don't know where to call home.... the house I shared with X or my parents. I can no longer bear to stay at the house, our house. Boxes litter the floor waiting to be moved. I have not stayed the night at the house since last Monday night. I have been staying at my moms. Without Hyper the house is just to empty. So for the past week I have been living out of a bag. Tomorrow I plan on moving all my clothes to mom's and hopefully in the next week I can get everything out. I guess I had been putting it off with the hopes X would come back home.

And mom's well my old room may as well be titled "the life of E and X". There are pictures everywhere! And mom still has our wedding pics and such throughout the house. So this week will be a cleansing week as I remove the pictures and try to tuck the memories away in my mental file cabinet to which I plan on throwing away or at least hiding the key!

Some times the best theory is: out with the old, in with the new. But how long will it take before my heart will mend and I will truly get over X?

Miranda: "Just when exactly do you think you're gonna be getting out of this hostage situation?"

Charlotte: "Miranda..."

Miranda: "What? Am I wrong?"

Charlotte: "Don't listen to her, Carrie, it's only been a month. It takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them."

Carrie: "I always like a good math solution to any love problem.Charlotte: It's the break-up rule -- you and Big only went out for a year so that means that she's got five more months to get over him."

~ Sex and the City ~

Life's A Dance

Today I got off work and hustled over to Sports Bar for my first night of waitressing. I'll admit I was a little nervous! Yet excited, cause tonight Blondie would also be working the floor with me. Let me tell you I feel so alive and energized! I enjoy the fast paced atmosphere of working at Sports Bar and the people are great! And of course I'm there for less than 30 minutes and who walks in but Fire Guy. I used to never see him anywhere now it seems I run into him at least once a week. He comes up and gives me hug and talks to me by the bar for a minute than goes and joins his friend at one of Blondie's tables. I was relieved that he was in Blondie's section, cause let's face I still feel kinda weird around him. While grabbing drinks Blondie elbows me and gives me the eye. I smile at her but ignore the eye raise and keep going. I wait on my tables and almost forgot he was there until Blondie ask if I will get him a water. I avoid her obvious setup and get the water delivering it with a smile and continue about my tables. Swirling and twirling like a fast paced dance I am learning the steps to.

The night slows down and I stand by the bar keeping an eye on my tables. Fire Guy and his friend get up to leave. His friend smiles, waves at me, says his goodbyes and heads out the door . Fire Guy comes and takes a seat beside where I stand at the end of the bar. We participate in small talk and he asks how my week has been. I tell him about Hyper and he goes from panic (at her being hit), to somber (when I tell him she'll be ok), to anger (as he asks who hit her). He asks which neighbor it is all prepared to go tell them off. I calm him down explaining it was my elderly neighbor who has since stopped twice to check on her. After a few more minutes of conversation the awkwardness seems to come up as he leans over to give me a hug goodbye.

The rest of the night went good and now I am home enjoying the CMA awards! I'm such a music girl... I love pretty much all kinds of music.

Hyper update: I spoke with the vet today and they said she is doing good. She is sitting up on her own which is a good sign, and her surgery was scheduled for today. I did not hear back from them, and I know how busy they are so I didn't call back today. I figured no news is good news. Now just to wait a few more days till she can come back home!

Yes, I enjoy working at Sport Bar. It helps keep my mind off of X for a short time and all the craziness of everyday life. And it's nice to earn a little extra money! Life's a dance sometimes it's a slow one, sometimes it's a fast one but slowly I'm learning the steps.

"Life's a dance you learn as you go, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow, don't worry about what you don't know, life's a dance you learn as you go..."

~From John Michael Montgomery's, Life's A Dance ~

The End of an Era

This morning I awoke to silence. No pitter, patter of little feet. No whining or demanding from Hyper to go outside. Silence. I have only had her a few months but my world has revolved around her and her puppy needs so much in those few months that in her absence I don't know quite what to do. But before I know it she will be back home just as hyper as ever! Keeping my fingers crossed anyway.

Have I mentioned that with the combining of offices my hours have been cut back? If not, they have so I'm off Monday and Tuesdays now. Which suck for my paycheck!! But I have a possible job opportunity in the works. I just have to hold out to December to find out..... so for now I'm watching my pennies. So I was faced today with a free afternoon and a friend in need of a helping hand.

Giggles has officially moved in with her boyfriend (I mean she's been living with him for over a year now). Her house has sold so today we packed. As I looked around her house I remembered the good times we had shared here. Nights of coming home late and just stumbling to make it to the couch. Nights of sitting around the kitchen table with my girls and drinks. Laughter and conversation always filling the air. Midnight snacks, card games, mixed drinks, time with friends. Ah the card games! We always enjoyed a good game of P&A.

Reminds me of times when we were young and carefree. It's the end of an era so to speak. When I said this to Giggles today she laughed and pointed out I'm always the sentimental one! And I hate to admit it but she's right.

After packing the majority of the day we decided we deserved a drink! Sports Bar was closed so we settled for our second favorite, the local Mexican restaurant. We each had a drink and chatted over chips, salsa, and of course cheese dip. Can't have Mexican without the cheese dip!!

It was nice to spend the day with Giggles ~ really helped to get my mind off of all the other things that have been racing thru it lately. Friends are great like that. Sometimes they help you by doing nothing but just being there.

(To Ross, Chandler and Joey)

"Hurry! Monica's going to make you pack! She's got jobs for everyone! Now it's too late for me, but save yourselves!"

~ Phoebe, Friends ~

When it Rains it Pours

Today's post is quick and coming from my cellphone due to the kaos of the day. But I am determined not to miss a day of this 30 day blogging. I awoke today already dreading this two year mark. But I was determined it would be a good day and I would do something today in memory of my dad.... little did I know God had other plans. Hyper was hit by a car early this morning. So my day has been spent at the vets hoping she will be ok. The good news is she is going to make it. The bad news is she is going to have to stay at the vets for a week. She has a broken leg and a dislocated hip. X called me this morning to check on me while I was on the way to vet so he met me and went with me to take care of Hyper. This week will be lonely and I will miss my little bundle of energy. But I am so thankful she will be ok!! Sorry for the short post ~ I will update more tomorrow.

Comfort Zone

Sunday Night:

I sat on the couch eating diner over the coffee table as I do most nights when I eat alone. For some reason I just don't see the point of sitting at the dinning room table by myself, a cruel reminder I am eating diner alone. But really I am never alone. Hyper sits at my feet and waits patiently because she knows I always share. I know, I know. It's not good to feed her while I'm eating because it will only entice her to beg, but it has become routine every night we eat diner together. So as I watch a Desperate Housewives episode my phone goes off. It's X. We had spoken earlier in the day but the day was to hectic to make plans. I had relatives in from out of town and prior commitments I had to keep. So in my cold medicine induced haze the day had been a blur. He asked if I had plans for the evening and I told him no. Which was true because I hardly call mine and Hyper's lazy fest plans.

So X came over and we watched a movie. As we sat on the couch he reached over and took my hand. It was so nice. Comfortable. I miss him. I guess it just felt natural. The night went good. And as the second movie ended and he rose to leave the awkwardness of our situation appeared. I mean this is his house. It seems we should be getting ready and going to bed, not me walking him to the door. As he hugged me goodnight I longed for him to stay and for things go back to the way they used to be. But realistically I know we needed the time apart. I feel like I can look at the situation now with the eyes of an adult not the glazed eyes of a child (if that makes sense). We both see the problems and where we went wrong. But now the problem is can it be fixed?

As I closed the door behind him so many thoughts ran thru my mind. The what if's. The questions that we all ask ourselves when in reality we're not sure we want to know the answers. The reality of you don't know what you've got till it's gone. Even with it's imperfections.

So enough with the drama and remorse. I really am not that type of person. Yet lately I seem so...... hhhmmmm...... looking for the right word........ negative perhaps? I'm not the positive person I normally am, just kinda in the gray area. Not really happy, yet not sad - just kinda blah. I got to get out of this funk! I think it has to do with the weather as well. When it's cold I prefer to bundle up and stay inside versus going out. Perhaps I hibernate...... Oh well whatever it is it's time for a change perhaps.

Tonight X and I have paperwork to discuss. We may have found a solution to our house problem in that we may have a buyer. This brings a mix of emotions. The house holds so many good and bad memories. Yet when it's gone it's like our life together is gone to. We have nothing left tying us together. Which is what I wanted there for awhile. Yet now... I don't know. I guess that's part of being a woman... changing your mind constantly!!!! So for now I will take things day by day. And as I drive down the road of life I am still in desperate search for a map. But honestly at this point I'd settle for a Dr. Pepper and a Take 5. :)

Well off to lunch with Blondie. Oh and I do have a slightly funny story involving my Halloween costume that finally came in. I'll try and tell ya that later if I get a chance :)

Cold Season is Upon Us

Last night I rushed home to feed and tend to my critters. Giggles niece (who is roughly 22) was coming to town and I was anxious to see her. Giggles and I have practically grown up together so we are pretty much family, in that I attended all of her family functions and she attends the majority of mine. I was looking forward to diner with my extended family and I hurried to get things done so I could meet up with them at sports bar. For diner it ended up being myself, Giggles, Giggles boyfriend, Giggles Mom, Giggles Niece and her fiance, and Blondie. I love spending time with Giggles family because there is always wine, beer, or rum involved and great conversation! After diner we returned to Giggle's parents house. From here Niece kidnapped me to join her on the back porch we were discussed life, love and everything in between. It was pretty cold out but we bared the cold and enjoyed the time together just the three of us. All to soon it was time to say good night.

This morning the alarm went off at 6 a.m. and Hyper looked at me as if I were crazy. I wanted nothing more than to climb back in bed and burrow down in the covers, but the parade beckoned. I threw on clothes and headed for the barn. In the early morning light everything appeared to be so serene. The quietness of night was starting to give away to the noises of a new day dawning. Mom and I loaded the horses on the trailer and headed to town. The morning air was crisp as I rode my horse down a small side street to where the parade would begin. I was cold from my head down to my toes! As I waited with others on horseback I looked at the floats around us. Then I heard my name...... I look around for the source of my name...... then I hear my name again and spot Fire Guy's parents. And they are heading straight for me. His dad and step-mom are so nice. They say hi and they know my mom so they speak with her a minute. And then head for one of the wagons. Should have realized they would be riding today as well since he (Fire Guy's dad) is running for a local political office. I'll admit it was a little weird but they are so nice you can't help but like them.

The parade went well. A lot of smiling and waving. But the cool morning air has given me my first head cold of the season I'm afraid. I feel awful! So I have been laying around hoping to feel better. But after medicine, liquid, and Desperate Housewives I still feel like crap. So reluctantly I asked X for a rain check. I don't feel up to going out, all I really want to do is take some more medicine and curl up and go to sleep. So that is my new plan. Hopefully I'll feel better tomorrow and we will try again.

Monica: "I don't need a tissue! I'm find!"

Ross: "When you put a D at the end of fine, you're not fine."

~ Friends ~

Next

Just like normal this morning I awoke to the sound of my alarm. Zombie like I walked to the door Hyper behind me stretching and yawning along the way. I open the door to let her out, at this point she is bouncing excited to get outside. As the chilly morning air hits us she turns and runs back to her bed. Yes, it is plain cold out this morning!

So today I'm a little perturbed. It's Thursday and still no word from Fire Guy. We rented 3 movies Sunday and didn't get to watch all of them and we had planned on watching the rest of them this week. Perhaps out of frustration last night I sent a text asking if he wanted to watch the rest of the movies. No reply. So today I am a) slightly pissed b) confused c) well maybe there is no c..... refer back to points a and b.

And why is it when the guy is into you and you have the upper hand you can be nonchalant. At least I'm that way. Maybe it's because I like a challenge. I always want the guy I think I can't have (example Big). So today I am rehashing my "relationship"/"what-ever-you-call-it" with Fire Guy. Things seemed to be going good. I mean Sunday night we were eating with his family. His dad and step-mom were in conversation and he turns to me and says low enough for only me to hear. "What to go rent a movie?" I reply something along the lines of yes. He then says, "well how bout we stop by the house. I'll pick up my work clothes and just stay the night with you tonight." It was his idea to stay therefor I can't be accused of coming on to strong. Monday morning we were both getting ready in a hurry seeing as we slept in as long as we could. Before we left he hugged me and told me I smelled delicious (his words not mine). And that was it ~ all she wrote.

I go back to that I jinxed myself and you know I'm ok with the fact he may just not be that into me. But I would like to know what changed? Did an ex come back into the picture? Did he decide I have to much going on now with my own X? And watch me bitch about all this and then hear from him and then I will feel bad about having wrote all this. Shrug of shoulders Oh well.

With moving, rejection, memories of the past, ect. I have been on an emotional roller coaster this week. And last night in my crying frenzy (I'm sad it's my last week in the house), I started thinking about when X and I first got married. The happy times we had in the house; decorating for fall, getting our first Christmas tree, snuggling up on those cold fall nights. I miss it. I miss him. If I haven't stated before I was the one who ended our relationship. It was best for me. But everyone keeps telling me it will get easier and I feel like I have the right to say they are full of shit. I mean months have gone by but its not any easier. The only thing is now I remember the good stuff and tend to forget the bad. And with X it was not all bad, but in our relationship I lost who I was. I know that 2 parts become 1 within a marriage. But that is 50/50 with X and I it was more 90/10. Wait that made me think of the 90/10 rule so let me change that to 91/9. There that's better. I have tried moving on and testing the waters with a friends-with-benefits type of relationship with Big and a dating with Fire Guy. But in the back of my mind X was always there. How long will he be there? Will he ever really go away?

And then I did something I never should have done. As tears streamed down my face I picked up my phone and dialed his number. It was a weak moment. He didn't answer. I hung up. He texted later. I knew he was out of town doing military test. He told me how they were going. And the messages went back and forth friendly. It was good to hear from him. Maybe I'm just missing him as a friend? I mean he was there for so many major events of my life. Nobody will ever be able to replace that. He was there when I graduated college, he was there thru dad's cancer helping to haul hay when Mom and I couldn't do it, he was there rubbing my back as dad took his last breath. He held my hand during the memorial and was literally my voice when I couldn't speak.

But he was also the one who cussed me like a dog in front of our friends and at times literally made me want to go jump off a bridge. How can somebody take you from one extreme to the other so quickly? Ok maybe I've ranted/vented/contemplated enough for today.

I will chalk Fire Guy up as my X rebound. A great first date. And he will be the first chapter of my new life. I will consider him a stepping stone toward better things yet to come.

There's a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back

together with your crappy ex-boyfriend.

Being lonely ... being alone ... for many people ... sucks. I get it, I get it, I get it.

But still I have to say that yes, my belief is that being with somebody

who makes you feel shitty or doesn't honor the person you are is worse.

I don't want to be "sort of dating" someone. I don't want to be "kinda hanging out" with someone. I don't want to spend a lot of energy suppressing my feelings so I appear uninvolved. I want to be involved. I want to be sleeping with someone I know I'll see again because they've already demonstrated to me that they're trustworthy and honorable -- and into me.

~ He's Just Not That Into You ~

Weeked Re-Cap

So Blondie and Vivi left me alone this weekend. Which the last time they did became known as the Lemon Drop Weekend (Not Good). Blondie went to our college teams football game and Vivi went on a family weekend getaway. Left alone and to my own devices I usually get into trouble. Well not trouble per say but interesting predicaments.

Friday night after work I went to the barn to feed horses and then headed home to have a date night with myself. As an only child I relish my alone time. It's my time to unwind. With that in mind I heated up leftover Fajitas for diner and then proceeded to take an hour long bubble bath. Hyper and I watched Chick-Flicks, pigged out, and went to bed early for much needed sleep.

Saturday I worked around the house then met up with Fire Guy to head to Sports Bar to watch our college team game (the one Blondie was at). And the game sucked! We lost so bad it wasn't even funny.

Sunday was a peaceful and relaxing day. It's almost to easy with Fire Guy. A few months ago the thought of dating again scared the crap out of me. I remembered my previous single life and the nervousness that could come along with dating. The not knowing what to say or how to act around a new person for fear of giving them the wrong impression, etc. With Fire Guy there is no stress, no nervous. When did dating get so easy?

Back to Sunday. Fire Guy invited me to come see his family's horses. For the time being they are in training at a barn not far from my house so I accepted the invitation. We arrived at the barn and his dad, step-mom, and sister were already there. Before I know it we are all on horses and going on a trail ride. This was not part of the original plan but made for a great day. After a few hours at the barn his dad asks if we are hungry. Breakfast was a distant memory and the thought of food sounded good.

Less than an hour later we were seated in front of a Hibachi grill ordering Japanese. So here I am seated between Fire Guy and his sister and I realize I'm not freaking. His family is really nice and made me feel very comfortable. Still looking back I feel it's to soon to be spending time with the family. That's what I mean it's to easy. Normally when you go to meet the family it's such a big deal. You want to make a good impression, be dressed just right, I mean it's a whole ordeal. But with Fire Guy it's like things have just went along smoothly, no big ordeals, just smooth sailing. Is this how its supposed to be? Have things changed that much? Or is that I'm just older, maybe wiser, and don't really give a sh*t anymore? Huh. No I do care so maybe just older and a tad bit wiser. After diner we rented movies and returned to the house.

Telling Blondie my reservations about how easy things are she tells me that is the way it should be in a relationship. I was quick to point out we are not in a relationship. She laughed and corrected herself, "well whatever y'all are." She said it should be easy. Are we in a relationship?

Ok I have a confession. Fire Guy stayed with me all weekend from 5 p.m. Saturday till we both left the house for work this morning at 8:30 a.m. I always being the "good girl" growing up am embarrassed to admit this. But heck why should I be? I am a grown woman. And it wasn't a planned thing it just sorta happened. See here is that easy, comfortable thing again. But it was great. I had a great weekend. I'm just not used to it being this easy, I'm still waiting for the bomb to go off. I know I have trust issues ~ Thanks X.

"So we're kissing but we're not dating?"

~ Grey's Anatomy ~