Freeze Out Day 6

And just to update you. The freeze out is still on - and I am now on day 6 I believe? Or is it 5? Oh well anyway it is still in affect! For some reason I have this feeling that it's over and the words have just not yet been spoken. And surprisingly enough.... I'm ok with that. Why? Because I'm afraid of getting to close. Plain and simple there it is in black and white. I'm afraid of falling for him and getting in over my head and getting my heart broke. I'm not yet ready to give my heart to anyone. I'm still trying to put it together from the pieces X left behind. And you know what? I think I about have it back together which is a great thing and I don't want to give it to anyone else just yet. I think I want to hold onto it, keep it safe.

So maybe it's time to let go of Big as well. Yeah I know I say that now but you know as well as I do if he calls I'll jump thru whatever hoops he's holding up. Perhaps I'm becoming a well trained poodle? Anyway with a shake of my head I'll clear those thoughts. You know what I'm alright and I'm moving on. If Big calls he calls if not it's his loss. This poodle's done.

And funny enough after writing this post I went to msn.com to check my Tarot card reading for the day I thought I had to share it because it does reflect my mood....



August 19, 2008


Tarot reading for e:


Love: Strength

Touchstone: The Star

Career: Temperance

As far as your romantic life is concerned, thanks to the Star and Strength you feel almost like a carefree youngster. You have a bright smile on your face, and you radiate confidence. And you have good reason, E, today Luck is definitely on your side! But that does not mean that you should open your door wide for everyone! Be careful not to confuse confidence and naivety. In the professional domain, you are able to resolve conflicts easily and to get around any difficulties with diplomacy and goodwill. Temperance and the Star indicate that your serenity and your confidence make you into someone who takes on a natural leadership position and who acts as a conciliator. You have a great gift motivating others in such a way that each of them contributes in their own way.

Freeze Out: Day 1

Why are men so dang complicated and confusing? I mean really - each one needs to come with a manual. So my stubbornness has finally kicked in. I hadn't talked to Big since Saturday. Which he did drop what he was doing and him and some of his friends came by the house and played cards with Vivi, Blondie, and myself. But that is neither here nor there - so anyway haven't heard from him since Saturday night. This has been kinda a long week and last night I would have really just liked someone to talk to. So I send a text "what r u doing" a few minutes later I get a reply, "laying around u?" to which I reply, "same. why don't you come over and stay the night with me"................................................. minutes pass.............................................and..................
..........................nothing................................ no reply...........................................................................
I send our trademark line for when the other doesn't reply, "?" a simple question mark....... I wait.................................. and nothing. No reply. No yes, no no just no reply.

Well that kinda got under my skin a little so today is Day 1 of what I will call Freeze Out. I will not text him or make contact with him in anyway until he contacts me first. Childish perhaps, yeah, but sometimes it works. As my childhood friend Babbles would say "you got to make him miss you". It did work once in the past few months; he made it only a week. So we'll see.

I remind myself I don't need him in my life right now but I want him in my life. And these can be and are two very different things. So here's to Day 1 ~ may I be strong enough to take a stand!

Maybe our mistakes are what make our fate. Without them, what would shape our lives? Perhaps if we never veered off course, we wouldn't fall in love, or have babies, or be who we are. After all, seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart. And if you're very lucky, a plane ride away. ~Carrie