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Well today I would like to think I have been rather productive. I went to work (no I normally don't work on Sunday's but I needed the extra hours), did a little window shopping online in preparation for Christmas, updated my Who's Who website for the blog (check it out!), posted on my other Blog I do with Vivi (which I incorporated that post in with this post), and have went thru a gazillion pictures for a project I am working on with the hopes of cheering Vixen up. Vixen has had a rather rough week and I want to do something that will make her smile. In going thru dozens upon dozens of old pictures, I realized maybe (I did say maybe) my friends are right. Maybe I am a little to camera happy. Meaning that I take pictures of just about everything. Which can make for a fun trip down memory lane. And in the middle of doing all this I caught up on Samantha Who thanks to ABC online.

I love the holiday season; the sparkling lights, decorated trees, and just the overall feeling in the air. I remember as a kid I used to always have a list of things I wanted for Christmas. As I get older I find that I want less and less and instead enjoy giving gifts more than receiving them. Sigh guess that's a sign of growing up. I love picking out gifts for my friends especially. It's always exciting to watch my friends open them all the while knowing I got them something they are going to love.

Winter has set in. The shirts and sandals have been packed away, my closet now overflowing with sweaters and warm winter jackets. Despite my low cash flow I am in dire need of three things, ok maybe need is a strong word. They are really more wants I guess than needs.


1. It is time for a new purse. Purse's are my thing I guess ~ some women buy shoes, I buy purses. I am going thru with drawls not being able to even recall when I bought my last purse. So it's safe to say it has probably been at least six months ago.


2. Brown heals. Why do I not already have a pair? Maybe because I don't wear heals that much (though I seem to have a gazillion black pairs). But I have several cute outfits that could really use a cute pair of brown heals to spice it up!


3. A black/gray jacket. I have several brown jackets, in different color variations and styles but not a jacket to go with anything black.


I'm starting to see a trend.... do I have any complete outfits?


And I know I said three things and those are my three things. For good measure though I would like to toss in a quick forth which would definitely be a want and not a need. My other week spot is camera's. I love to click away! I always carry a small digital camera in my purse, you know just in case. Well my poor Olympus has lived a long, hard life. I'm afraid after an unfortunate evening of being left outside (in it's case) on the porch railing, where it was knocked off where it sat till the next morning where I found it nestled in the wet dew grass. Yeah it's just really not been the same since. Due to this tragic evening I'm sure the camera gods do not see me as deserving of this Nikon Coolpix S60 but if I had the money it would definitely be on my shopping list! Thanks to Ashton's captivating commercials the Nikon Coolpix S60 has made itself number four on my want list! With it's smooth touchscreen and different color choices it just screams that it really wants to come home with me. But alas my empty wallet knows there are other things my hard earned money needs to go toward. In the meantime however I will drool over it and try to put back some money when I can with hopes of one day purchasing one.

"I like my money right where I can see it--hanging in my closet."

~ Carrie, SATC ~

Isn't It Ironic

Last night after work I came home to pick up Hyper and headed to Punk-Rock-Chick's apartment for a fun night of pizza, beer, and card games with a big group of friends. I'm not much of a drinker but when I am I have always been a whiskey/rum/vodka kinda girl but as of lately I am trying to become a beer girl. Let me explain Vixen and I were the last two of our friends that refused to sell out to beer. But on the cruise in a stooper Vixen started drinking beer and to my dismay is still doing so..... And beer is cheaper than mixed drinks........ so I'm trying to make myself drink beer. I must admit to me all beer taste the same. But $2.00 beer vs $6.00 mixed drink..... yeah I need to drink beer.

So last night Hyper ran around the apartment enjoying having so many people to give her attention and I enjoyed hanging out with this laid back group of friends. All of my friends are so different, I think that is why I love them so much.

Anyway last night when I got home I crawled into bed and switched on the TV and of course Sex and the City is on TBS so I flip to it and settle in. I have always thought myself to be more of a Carrie; in that I'm the writer of my group, I'm a talker, like Carrie I am curious, also the only thing I've ever really made in the kitchen is a mess! I mean I've taken the quiz and I'm Carrie:

"You’re the star of the show! You’re vivacious and lively, confident in your own taste, and you know what you want (well, usually). That said, you’re not without your insecurities, and you can be a tad selfish sometimes. You’re ambitious, but you still want to find a good balance between work and life. You would like to have a long-term partner, but you realise that relationships take a lot of work." (take the quiz see who you are!)

But as I watched last night I started realizing maybe I'm a bit Charlotte as well. I had always compared my relationship with X to that of Aiden. In reality he may have been a Trey, well with out the bedroom problems. Ok well the more I think about it X is nothing like Trey except for Bunny. That was my ex mother-in-law and X was a total mommas boy. Which can be a sweet, endearing thing. Or an annoying thing that keeps him from ever growing up. Either way I've added this to my checklist of what I don't want in a future guy ~ no mommas boys (but he should have a good relationship with her and respect her ~ so maybe this rule's flexible).

The BIG football game was today.... I sat at the office glued to the TV texting play-by-play texts to friends who could not be watching the game. The final score my team lost by 3 points. Those 3 points ended a 7 year winning streak.... I of course noticed the irony of this. In 2000 my team lost. Early 2001 X and I started dating at that year our team won and for Christmas he gave me the winning game score t-shirt. This became a tradition and for the past 7 Christmas I received the shirt. So today as I watched the game I told myself if they won I'd have to buy my own shirt this year...... and they lost. So they didn't win the year before we got together, they won every year while we were together, now the year we split up they lost. Ok maybe no one else sees or cares about the irony but me.

"When it comes to relationships, maybe we're all in glass houses, and shouldn't throw stones. Because you can never really know."

~ Carrie, SATC ~

Black Friday

I sit at my desk gazing out the window watching the thick, grey clouds roll in. Rain is in the forecast with a chance of snow. Which means a lazy weekend is in my forecast! Tomorrow though is the BIG rivalry game for most college football teams. And like many others tomorrow I plan to be glued in front of a TV decked out in my team colors.

Unlike many others I am not out fighting the crowds today in search of deals, I am instead behind my desk trying to earn money for the upcoming holidays. And for lack of things to do I have caught up on my favorite blogs and browsed online sales. Not to say I have goofed off all day. I have worked hard.... well ok I've worked. I can't help it I'm good at my job and stay on top of things therefor getting them done in a timely matter leaving me with spare time on my hands. Thank you!

This year my Christmas list is rather short. Because a) I have no money, b) all my friends are broke to, and c) spending time together is more important than presents. My friends and I have decided instead of doing gifts we are going to have a Christmas party and just enjoy each others company. That being said there are a few I'm going to try and get small things for. Frugal Santa I guess :) I mean I am on a very tight budget with all the cut backs at work. But there are many things I can do I know they will enjoy yet will not cost a fortune. And as last year for family and family friends I plan on doing baked goods (always a treat ~ I can't cook but I can bake) and I have already received several requests from people making sure they were on my candy/cookie/goody list. Last year I hit the after Christmas sales buying tins to use this year. So all I have to do now is find the time to do the baking. :)

One holiday gift idea I would like to suggest is a Shutterfly photo book. I have made several of these on this site and they always turn out wonderful! This year I plan on making one for my grandparents. I mean there is absolutely nothing that they need or really want. But I have taken many snapshots over the year at family get togethers and this will be a perfect way to share those with them. If you have never made one, they are fun and easy to make! Also right now they are offering 30% percent off on books and if you search Google you may be able to find other discount offers.

"When you photograph people in colour you photograph their clothes. But when you photograph people in B&W, you photograph their souls!"

~ Ted Grant ~

Giving Thanks

The first Thanksgiving took place in 1621 when the English colonists and Native Americans joined to celebrate the harvest. Think how different things are now. The way we as a culture have evolved, perhaps somewhat for the better and some for the worse. But each year we still spend this day giving thanks. Even though this has not been my best year I still have so many things to be thankful for. I am thankful for my wonderful family and friends. I am thankful for the roof over my head and the puppy curled up beside me. I am thankful for so many things it would take me an hour to name them all!



So after a long car ride I arrived at my grandparents. I love the warm, cozy feeling that comes over you as you walk thru the door. It's true there is no place like Grandma's. The aroma's coming from the kitchen are overwhelming and your mouth starts to water just at the thought of all that good food. I was not disappointed the food was wonderful as always. And my loving Grandma knows how much I love cornbread-dressing and as always she has made me a small pan separate to take home. Yes my heart may very well be in my stomach.



Another part I love about Thanksgiving is sitting around with my family listening to stories of the "old" days. Stories of my grandparents and parents as kids, and some of even myself. In the absence of my father we always seem to tell stories about him. Just our way of remembering him. It's always nice I love these conversations. As I have grown up I have come to appreciate and enjoy this family time so much more! It's funny how as we grow up our whole idea of what is important changes.

"In the year 1621, the Pilgrims held their first Thanksgiving feast. They invited the great Indian chief Massasoit, who brought ninety of his brave Indians and a great abundance of food. Governor William Bradford and Captain Miles Standish were honored guests. Elder William Brewster, who was a minister, said a prayer that went something like this: 'We thank God for our homes and our food and our safety in a new land. We thank God for the opportunity to create a new world for freedom and justice."
~ Linus, A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving ~

This and That

This month has been somewhat difficult and perhaps not the best month to chose to blog everyday. And for those of you who are still with me, Thank You!! I mean thus far you have got to hear every mundane thing that has been going on. Not much excitement. Not much flare. I tell ya I think I’m part bear and go into hibernation once it gets cold outside!

I think I mentioned earlier in the month that my boss’s father had been diagnosed with cancer. Well he past away this week and today was the funeral. Not only was he my boss's father but he was also a friend's grandfather. He passed away of cancer and even though I hardly knew him, I felt very overwhelmed today. Emotions and feelings that I have kept locked up for the past two years flooded to the surface today as I recalled a similar day two years ago when I attended the funeral of another person who had lost the battle to cancer. This person was no acquaintance. It was my own father. That day of course had a huge impact on my life, and still does. I sometimes wonder the other path I would have taken had he been able to beat the cancer. And I can say with some certainty that my life would be different, all the way from my career to my geographical location...... Anyway the funeral today was lovely.

This is just always a hard time of year. The holiday's just aren't the same. I guess you can tell I was/am a daddy's girl?

Ok I have to switch to another topic, (I don't handle emotions to well sometimes especially this topic) TV. Ok deep breath. I must admit I am a Hills fan and I have watched Lauren Conrad since the days of Laguana beach. The show is getting a little to dramish but it's like watching a train wreck. You know its coming but you can't help but watch. I was appalled that on this weeks episode Audrina could even think Lauren would hook up with Justin. I mean I'm sorry but Audrina you are way to pretty for this guy and even though you may have on you loser glasses on Lauren does not. The way Audrina handled the situation kinda showed the shallowness of their friendship. I mean rumors always spread. If someone is your friend you know they would not do something like that to you. I mean if I heard a rumor like that about someone I was dating and say Vivi, Vixen, or Giggles (or well any of my close circle) I would know without a doubt it wasn't true. I think this showed how insecure Audrina is with herself and her relationship with not only Lauren but Justin as well. I mean I may not be one to give advice here but come on. Common sense ~ look at the guys Lauren goes for...... now look at Justin........ Yeah so don't see that happening! That is my dish opinion of the week anyway :)

"You're way worse than Heidi."

~ Lauren Conrad, The Hills ~

Just Tuesday

Despite my best efforts Hyper has successfully removed her cast; much to her excitement and much to my dismay. Tomorrow she has an appointment with the vet anyway so I guess if she was going to do it, today was the best possible day.

Tonight I had diner with Blondie and Punk-Rock-Chick. The food was great (as always), the drinks were good, and the conversation…. Well it’s always interesting! Everybody is getting ready for Thanksgiving. Vixen is leaving in the morning for the west coast. And as always before heading to the airport she tells me the last minute important info; i.e. If something happens to her I get all her stuff, I get one of her dogs (Vivi the other), and strict instruction to burn any embarrassing evidence before her mom can find.

I always enjoy Thanksgiving but this year I'm kinda dreading it. I'm going to miss the craziness of the day as X and I tried to make it to 3 (yes 3) Thanksgiving meals. This year I will attend only one, which will be great! But still I will miss my extended family and the traditions I had come to love. Sigh But once again I must not look back, I must keep my eyes forward to the horizon.

Charlie Brown, "We've got ANOTHER holiday to worry about. It seems Thanksgiving Day is upon us."

Sally Brown, "I haven't even finished eating all of my Halloween candy."

~ A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving ~

Day In The Life Of Hyper

Much to Mom's dismay I awoke early, and when I say early I mean the sun wasn't even up yet. But I had to go outside! So I whined until mom, half asleep let me outside. I wanted to stay out and play but it was to cold and rainy so I used the bathroom quickly and headed back to the warmth of my bed. I wanted to play but at 4:30 a.m. Mom wasn't really in the playing mood. So I laid in my bed trying to be good and play with my toys quietly...... but all I have are squeaky toys and lets face it sometimes they accidentally squeak.... or maybe it wasn't an accident but shush don't tell!

After awhile I guess I drifted off to sleep because the next thing I knew I heard the annoying noise that goes off every morning. I'm not sure what it is exactly but whatever it is it makes mom get up. So I went back outside this time with my half brother and sister. They live with Grandma and for the last week me and mom have been staying at Grandma's. I don't think my brother and sister like me that much. My brother doesn't like it when I play with his toys and my sister is always trying to hide from me. That can be a fun game though, I always find her!

Then my breakfast time! Breakfast! Frosted Flakes are my favorite! After breakfast mom tried to give me this creamy stuff, which is quite good, but after I eat it she always sticks this little white thing in my mouth that I have to swallow. I don't know what it is but I don't like it! Then I watched as Mom fixed my crate. Fresh towels, filled my food and water bowl up and gave me a chewy bone. I don't know where she goes when she puts me in the crate..... Normally I use this time to sleep, eat my bone, play with my toys, or I also like to dump out my water bowl and see how much of a mess I can make. But not today! Since I got home last week there has been this weird thing on my back leg, its hard and not real comfortable. It seems to be in the way and slows me down. Also since I got it Mom won't let me run as much. So today I figured if I could get it off mom might let me run.


It took nearly all day but I was able to tear some stuff off of it. I tugged and pulled but I just couldn't get it off! So I continued to work on it. Mom got home to early and ruined my plans. I was so happy to show her the progress I had made, she didn't look real happy though! If I didn't know better I would think she was mad, but you know since I've got home Mom doesn't say "no ma'am" nearly as much she sure must have missed me while I was gone!!


I was happy to go outside but Mom took this weird thing that made a lot of noise and wrapped it around my leg before she would let me go out in the rain. I didn't like it. I also don't like the rain and normally I refuse to go use the bathroom in the wet grass. But to make Mom happy I did, also I wanted the noisy thing off my leg. Back inside mom took it off but held me still while she took some white stuff and wrapped it back around my leg. All my hard work down the drain. I guess she just doesn't understand.

After playing, eating diner, and playing some more I decided it was time to relax. So now I lay bundled up in my warm bed watching TV. Give me about 15 minutes and I'll be rested and ready to terrioze some more.....

"Dog?! Where?"

~ Scooby Doo ~

Backup

It is now day 23 of 30 days of blogging and I am experiencing some sort of writers block.... I sit trying to coax an idea out of Hyper but she is content to lay in her bed and stare at the TV deeply enthralled by the TBS movie of the night, Monster-In-Law. I rack my brain trying to think of a topic. So when in doubt perhaps one should consider their backup. I am one of those people that 9 times out 0f 10 have a plan B. With that being said it should come as no surprise that I have a Plan B or backup plan for my love life as well.

It all started when I was 17 and my best guy friend (Electric) and I made a deal that if we were not married by a certain age we would get married. I mean I know I'm not the only one who has a backup. He is slightly older than myself and we settled on when I turned 25, shook on it, and our deal was made. I remember sitting there on his front porch making that deal. Both of us had been recently dumped if I recall correctly. At 17, 25 seemed so far away.... Over the years he has dated some of my friends, shaking of head, and I always carefully explained the rules to them 'if it doesn't work out he's still my backup.'

Fast forward years later. 25 came all to soon! lol Electric and I are still great friends and we have extended the plan to 30..... which is 4 years away! So there is my backup plan! Leave comments and tell me yours :)

Ok this is a long quote but I love this!!!

Rachel: We’re gonna find love!
Phoebe: Definitely!
Rachel: Yeah, I’m pretty confident about that. That’s what makes it so easy for me to be 80% happy for Monica and Chandler! It would be nice to have a little guarantee though.
Phoebe: What do you mean?
Rachel: Well y’know, some people make deals with a friend, like if neither of them are married by the time they’re 40, they marry each other.
Phoebe: You mean a backup?
Rachel: Exactly!
Phoebe: Yeah, yeah I got that.
Rachel: You do?
Phoebe: Hm-mmm.
Rachel: Who?
Phoebe: Joey.
Rachel: Joey?!
Phoebe: Yeah!
Rachel: Are you serious?!
Phoebe: Yeah, I locked him years ago!
Rachel: Wh… So… If neither of you are married by the time you’re 40, you’re gonna marry Joey.
Phoebe: Yep, we shook on it. Yeah but believe me that is not how he wanted to seal the deal.
Rachel: Oh, seriously?
Phoebe: Ohh, yeah. I think his exact words were… (She makes two clicking sounds with her tongue and purrs.)
Rachel: Charming.
Phoebe: Well hey, it’s just a backup.
Rachel: Yeah.

~ Friends ~

Dating in a Digital Age

Dating is a whole different ball game for singles than it was years ago; welcome dating in the digital age. Personally I have always been very leery of meeting someone online. I mean really what do you know about them? Also how do you know they are telling the truth? Which people can also lie to you in person..... But then I realized that even though you may meet someone online does not mean that you don't know them. I mean take Phoebe for example (sorry to use you Phoebe but your the one I talk to most!), I don't really know her but because I am an avid reader of her blog and her of mine I feel as if I know her. I guess you could say we are online friends. :) But how do you feel about meeting a potential love interest online?

I know it does work for people, take one of my favorite bloggers The Date Girl Diaries (if you've never read her blog check it out) she met her current boyfriend thru match.com. And one of my dear friends Punk-Rock-Chick met her boyfriend of now two years on myspace. So I guess it can work...... Maybe I'm old fashioned...... Or overly cautious..... but the thought of giving a complete stranger information about me kinda freaks me out. I mean I guess you could compare it to a blind date but with a blind date the person is in front of you. Online how do you know the picture you see is really the person your talking to?


Why the delima? Well I've been withholding information...... A few weeks ago I received a message and friend request from a guy on myspace. My profile is private and I normally only add someone as a friend if I know them. Well this guy's profile showed he was from a neighboring college town (one where Concious and Vixen went to school) and I thought that he was someone I had met thru them so I added him and I replied to the message. Well when I received the next message and got to looking at this guy's pictures I realized I did not know him...... so I didn't reply to the email. Well Wednesday I thought what the heck, what do I have to lose! So after some proding from Punk-Rock-Chick and Blondie, I replied. The emails have gone back and forth a few times just the getting to know you things.

The over-anyalizer in me though questions this new form of digital dating. And I admit I have reservations about it. Will I ever be willing to put my self out there, so to speak, and really take the chance of getting to know a complete stranger? Or am I to old fashioned for the digital age?

PHOEBE, "So how's your date with your cyberchick going. Ooh, hey, what is all that."
CHANDLER, "Oh, it's a website, it's the, uh, the Guggenheim Museum. See, she likes art, and I like funny words."
PHOEBE, "What does she mean by HH?"
CHANDLER, "It means we're holding hands."
PHOEBE, "Are you the cutest?"
CHANDLER, "I'm afraid I might just be."
PHOEBE, "You know, what I think is so great that you are totally into this person and yet for all you know she could be like 90 years old, or have two heads, or. It could be a guy."
CHANDLER, "Okay, it's not a guy, all right, I know her."
PHOEBE, "It could be like a big giant guy."

~ Friends ~

A Blessing or A Curse

This morning I awoke with the feeling today would be a good day. Why? I don't know just that feeling you get that things are bound to go your way. I mean think we can all agree luck has not been on my side recently.... But I'm still waiting for that to change at any time. After showering I pull on a black tank top then slip on my cute Express crop top sweater and favorite jeans. Everyone has that one outfit that flatters them and even though this sweater is not really my color, it matched with a shirt underneath and black heals always makes me feel attractive. I guess cause I'm short I like it cause it makes my torso appear slightly longer and makes me look slim. And no matter how skinny you are sometimes it's nice to accent those curves. So I leave the house feeling good. Work goes well, kinda slow but seeing as it was Friday everyone was in good spirits.


This afternoon Giggles had a meeting with Fire Guy's step-mom (here on out referred to as Fire Mom) and before hand she tells me she is going to bring up Fire Guy and see if she can find out what happened. I tell her not to but all the while I know that no matter what I say she is still going to do it. Well not only did she having a meeting but an important folder was causally left at my office so that I had to bring it to this meeting. I walk in the door and all eyes are on me. Giggles eyes dance as Fire Mom says "Oh we were just talking about you!" I smile and flush while stammering the usual "Hope it was good" line. So I end up here for longer than planned talking with Fire Mom, her asking about my life and saying how when it warms up we need to go riding horses. No matter what I just love Fire Mom she is seriously probably one of the nicest people I have ever met! She is definitely in the top five! I say my goodbyes and exit feeling slightly flustered. I hurry home to feed Hyper and the horses then head back to town for diner with Babbles and her husband.


Now I broach the topic: why is it before you date someone you never run into them? But as soon as you stop dating you see this person everywhere?! I mean really is that like Mother Nature trying to be a bitch or something? I agree with a Miranda (SATC) quote I posted awhile back, "I'm more like... we didn't work out. You need to not exist." But oh no that's not the case with me... it seems like every week I run into Fire Guy somewhere! Before we 'hung-out/dated/what-ever-you-call-it' I never ran into him, now it's as if he's everywhere. And it's not like I'm going to new places, I mean I'm pretty much a creature of habit. So on the way to diner why am I not surprised when Babbles sends me a text saying that Fire Guy is at the restaurant with a friend. I mean of course he is that is how my "luck" tends to go. And I hate myself for still slightly crushing on him. But I walk in as if I own the place, always good to appear confidant. Sportsbar is packed, I deposit my purse and jacket at the table Babbles and her husband have claimed and go to make my rounds. Hugging friends and saying hellos. I stop at the booth Fire Guy and his friend occupy both of them smiling in greeting. We exchange hello's and small talk and I quickly excuse myself, not wanting to overstay my welcome, and rejoin Babbles who is grinning like a fool. I swear sometimes they make me feel like we have been transported back to high school and Fire Guy is the cute quarterback who all my friends want to set me up with. But like high school that never really worked. The more you press someone, or appear obvious - the chances of it actually working decrease. You know I'm right. Sucks but that seems to be part of the game. Some unforeseen rule.

So we eat diner, Fire Guy and his friend leave before we do and he stops to say good bye. Also as we are eating some of X's friends come in and I silently hope that he to does not walk thru the door as well. Guess Mother Nature decided to give me a break on that one. At least she can be kind at times.

After I leave I return a missed call to Giggles who informs me that yes she did talk about me with Fire Mom. And Giggles being blunt told Fire Mom that she needed to put in a good word for me and that all my friends really liked him and thought we were a good match. Really my friends have good intentions, at least that's what I tell myself. Giggles said at this point Fire Mom started singing my praises saying that they just loved me and she had told him that he needed to hold on to me, that I was a great girl and basically I was their favorite of any girl he has brought home thus far. Yeah no pressure.... She then proceeds to tell Giggles that he went on a date with some girl from out of town and that they did not care for her and that she was not nearly as friendly as me, yadda yadda yadda.

Interpretation Fire Mom expressed to Fire Guy that they really liked me which in turn probably freaked Fire Guy out because I clearly expressed I was not looking for a relationship and here they are saying basically we need to be in a relationship. That topped with the fact he knew I was still slightly hung up on X..... oh yeah that should have been enough to send the boy running. Like how I justify things to myself?! I'm a pro at that! So one step at a time. Maybe we'll date again in the future, if not at least I've gained a new friend. And I know that if I ever needed Fire Guy he would be there. He passes my "If I were broke down on the side of the road would he come get me" test. Yeah that is how I rate my guy friends. Some friends you know would come get you no questions asked; while others are not so dependable. Yeah I think Fire Guy would at least fall into the first category.

For some reason I am always GREAT with the families. Maybe that is how I will know when I have met "the one".... his family won't like me. lol I mean PL (my first major boyfriend) his mom kept in touch with me for years, and I only really lost contact with her when I became engaged to X. Still though if I see her out she stops me and wants to talk. And X well I guess my theory with him is you divorce spouses not family seeing as I still talk to his brother and his aunt. And from the conversation today it appears that I will be riding with horses with Fire Mom and Sis come spring (which I really like both so could be fun but still). Maybe it's a curse? Or a blessing? Maybe I'm just to like-able :)

Nick, "Close your eyes. Close your eyes. Close... your... eyes. You're safe. You can relax. I'm not going to kiss you. He's gonna be so sorry he lost you, so stop worrying. Forget the past. Forget the pain. And remember what an incredible woman you are. You do that and he'll realize what he lost."

Kat, "Holy crap. You're worth every penny."

~ The Wedding Date ~

Thankful

There are so many things that I take for granted each and every day; my warm bed, the feeling of safety and even McDonald's. All these things I should be grateful for and I am grateful for! This morning I was able to talk to a friend of mine that is currently stationed in Iraq and it was great to hear from him and know that he is ok! That is one of the great things about myspace, while he has been away he has been able to keep in touch with friends and family. I can't imagine what all he faces on a day to day basis and I was happy to hear him sound upbeat despite being homesick about the upcoming holiday season. I tried to talk to him of fun things we'll all do when he gets home, which is still months away. All the while praying that he will be one of the lucky ones that does get to come home.

Each day so many lives are lost. And my friends and I are no strangers to it, having lost a friend in 2004 in Iraq. It still seems like yesterday that I got the call. I remember the tears, the disbelief. He was a hero just as each and every person is who serves our country..... now years later I feel relief every time I see that Marine has logged into myspace. It is our way of knowing he is still alive.

I would just like to take a moment to remind everyone to keep all of the soldiers in their thoughts and prayers! Be thankful to be spending holidays with your loved ones while they spend the holidays trying to stay alive and be thankful for our brave hero's! May they return home safely!

“It doesn't take a hero to order men into battle. It takes a hero to be one of those men who goes into battle.”

~ Norman Schwarzkopf ~

Avoidance

It has been a long day! I should have blogged this morning when my mind was sharp and fresh and blog ideas where flowing like a river thru my mind. But the current of life was to fast and I was swept up in work with no time to get out all those creative thoughts. Now I type listless and brain dead and all those topics seem to be floating around in my mind just out of grasp.

So I will devote a moment to People's new Sexiest Man Alive, Hugh Jackman. I remember seeing him for the first time in X-men as Wolverine and thinking he was a cutie. And who wouldn't have fallen in love with him in Kate and Leopold? I have to say I believe he is on my top ten list of favorite actor's.

Now let's see.... oh yes, avoidance. That may be my term of the week. I don't know why, I'm usually a social butterfly, but lately I have become somewhat of a hermit; retreating into my shell not wanting to talk to or see anyone. I love my friends dearly so why am I not returning their calls? I mean I have been busy composing a resume for a new job possibility and taking care of Hyper, but yet...... well...... I guess I don't have anything to say. And for me that is quite shocking! I mean I'm the one who has been told I talk to much. And I feel bad because I love my friends.... I just don't have anything to say. Selfishly I feel like I am on emotional overload and I can't handle their issues as well. I mean let's face it we all have issues in our lives. I'm the one who usually listens to everyones but I don't let it in one ear and out the other I add their burden to the basket on my shoulder and try to ease their troubles. In my current state though I guess I feel like the basket is full and I can't take on any more till I solve the problems that are already within the basket. I felt this way after my dad passed away and maybe it's just the time of year that is causing me to retreat again. The sad part is I don't really know how to explain this to my friends......

"Time. Time, it has been proposed, is the fourth dimension. And yet, for mortal man, time has no dimension at all. We are like horses with blinders, seeing only what lies before us. Forever guessing the future and fabricating the past."

~ Kate & Leopold ~

The Message

Today I worked on unpacking and cleaning! New work schedule I'm off Monday's and Tuesday's.... which sucks but with Hyper home it was nice to spend the day with her. She's like a little kid who's sick and bored to death. And she's aggravated at me because I won't throw the toys for her ~ she can't understand she doesn't need to be running around. But she is glad to be home! And I am glad to have her home as well.

I have mentioned before that I am sentimental which can translate into I keep everything! I think I may be part pack rat... I mean seriously I think I may have every card X has ever given me along with anything that was special at the time. And some of it I'm still not ready to throw away just yet. The fun part about cleaning can be finding memories that have been tucked away. By this I mean pictures. I found so many pictures of Giggles and I from over the years; high school, college, Halloween costumes, sporting events, birthdays ~ the fun times were endless!

Also I stumbled upon an email that I had printed out because it touched me then and rereading it today I was once again touched by the message.

Hello God, I called tonight to talk a little while I need a friend who'll listen to my anxiety and trial. You see, I can't quite make it through a day just on my own... I need your love to guide me, So I'll never feel alone. I want to ask you please to keep my family safe and sound. Come and fill their lives with confidence For whatever fate they're bound. Give me faith, dear God, to face each hour throughout the day, and not to worry over things I can't change in any way. I thank you God for being home and listening to my call, for giving me such good advice when I stumble and I fall.

Your number, God, is the only one that answers every time. I never get a busy signal, never had to pay a dime. So thank you, God, for listening to my troubles and my sorrow. Good night, God, I love you too, and I'll call again tomorrow!

The man whispered, "God, speak to me" and a meadowlark sang. But, the man did not hear. So the man yelled, "God, speak to me" and the thunder rolled across the sky. But, the man did not listen. The man looked around and said, "God let me see you." And a star shined brightly. But the man did not see. And, the man shouted, "God show me a miracle." And, a life was born. But, the man did not notice. So, the man cried out in despair, "Touch me God, and let me know you are here." Whereupon, God reached down and touched the man. But, the man brushed the butterfly away and walked on.

I found this to be a great reminder that God is always around us in the little and simple things that we take for granted ... even in our electronic age .. so I would like to add one more: The man cried, "God, I need your help!" And an e-mail arrived reaching out with good news and encouragement. But, the man deleted it and continued crying ... Don't miss out on a blessing because it isn't packaged the way that you expect. My instructions were to send this to people that I wanted God to bless and I picked you.

Makes you stop and think doesn't it? How many times have we asked for signs from God and then perhaps not noticed his response. I'm sure I am guilty of this, for recently I have been asking for God's help a lot. I hope this touches you as it has once again touched me.

(Doorbell rings, Charlie walks down the stairs rubbing his eyes)

"Two o'clock in the morning, this better be God."

~ Charlie Harper, Two and a Half Men ~

Hyper Comes Home

I awoke this morning to a bubbly Blondie wanting to know what I wanted for breakfast from Chick-fil-a. Oh how I LOVE Chick-fil-a!!! She was meeting me at the house to help me pack/move and chicken minis were a great way to start off the morning! She knows me way to well. So we arrived at the house and began moving boxes. You really don't realize how much stuff you have until you start moving!! Why is that? For me it's because I tend to live by the philosophy 'out of sight, out of mind'. And in a big house it was easy to put stuff in the guest room closet, or the upstairs loft, or the basement...... the storage places were endless. And yeah I may have went overboard on the after Christmas sales last year...... meaning I may have purchased enough decorations to decorate a small village. In my defense however X and I were to broke before Christmas last year to buy decorations so when things went on sale I purchased stuff to use this year..... which won't happen now...... kinda sad. Oh well not dwelling on that, moving on. Packing. Well I already had a bunch of stuff packed so we mainly loaded the stuff in the car and drove the few miles to mom's to unload. My old room still looks like that of a High School girl.... so some redecorating will have to be done.

In the process of moving I get a call.... Hyper is ready to come home! The moving came to a screeching halt and Blondie and I piled in the 4runner both anxious to see Hyper. We arrive at the Vet's office and I wait patiently, well I tried at least, but after a week I really wanted to see my little terror. Then from the back I could hear her barking as they brought her out. As she catches sight of me her whole body (all 7 pounds or so) starts to wiggle in excitement. I am greeted with puppy kisses and I hold her tight so happy (and relieved) to see her. Her back leg is in a cast and bless her heart she looks so cute hopping around. We arrive home and she is ecstatic, grabbing her toys and bones not knowing which to play with first. I was told to keep her movement to a minimum.... hello have you seen a Jack Russell...... yeah near impossible!! So I quickly place her in her bed, with her favorite fleece blanket, and surround her with her toys. This seems to please her and she is content to lay in her bed taking turns sniffing and biting on her toys. I have a feeling for the next few months she is going to be even more of a diva and high maintance than she usually is..... but thats ok by me, I'm glad to have my little terror home!!

(To the dog, in a baby voice)

"You are just so cute. I wish I could stay here and play with you all day but I have to go to work. I hope I stop talking like this before my big marketing meeting, yes I do."

~ Rachel, Friends ~

Transition

Hyper Update: I am anxiously waiting to hear from the vet in the morning and hope that I will be able to bring Hyper home. I miss her so much!!

Last night, despite the cold, I slipped on a cute cluby outfit and headed out with Giggles. We met up with Punk-Rock-Chick and some other friends and headed for the club. As we searched for parking I was surprised to see the clothes some of the girls waiting to get into the club were wearing, or should I say lack there of. I mean its 40 degrees (give or take) out and some of the girls are in tank tops and short, barely there skirts. Yeah that is just not me! We stand outside huddled closely together as we wait to get in. Apparently we are being held up by a guy who is kindly being told by the girl at the door that his name is not on the list. None of us had ever been to this club before and all of a sudden I felt quite special knowing our names were on the list. I shiver from the cold as we move forward. The girl at the door greets Punk-Rock-Chick with a smile and a hug and with a "have fun" we are sent thru the door.

It's smaller on the inside than most clubs I have been in, but like most clubs/bars the lights are low and the music is loud. The night is spent drinking and dancing. A guy comes up and asks me to dance. With a smile I say sure. And after dancing a moment I notice Punk-Rock-Chick's boyfriend approach me, he grabs my hands pulling me away from the cute stranger and starts dancing with me as he pulls me toward the bar. Punk-Rock-Chick quickly appears to punch him in the arm asking what he is doing. He replies he was saving me. The group gathers around us, at this point I am slightly embarrassed. But I have to laugh Puck-Rock-Chick said to look at me and he thought she said for him to save me. With a laugh I grab Punk-Rock-Chick and Giggles and go back to dancing.

Finally Giggles and I decide to head home, which is a good hour forty-five minute drive. Overall it was a fun night but I felt as if I was wearing a mask. Plastering on a smile while on the inside I wanted to cry. My heart is still in a million pieces.

Today was not any easier. I'm so tired of feeling down. But I know time will heal my wounds.

I am in this transition period as well. I don't know where to call home.... the house I shared with X or my parents. I can no longer bear to stay at the house, our house. Boxes litter the floor waiting to be moved. I have not stayed the night at the house since last Monday night. I have been staying at my moms. Without Hyper the house is just to empty. So for the past week I have been living out of a bag. Tomorrow I plan on moving all my clothes to mom's and hopefully in the next week I can get everything out. I guess I had been putting it off with the hopes X would come back home.

And mom's well my old room may as well be titled "the life of E and X". There are pictures everywhere! And mom still has our wedding pics and such throughout the house. So this week will be a cleansing week as I remove the pictures and try to tuck the memories away in my mental file cabinet to which I plan on throwing away or at least hiding the key!

Some times the best theory is: out with the old, in with the new. But how long will it take before my heart will mend and I will truly get over X?

Miranda: "Just when exactly do you think you're gonna be getting out of this hostage situation?"

Charlotte: "Miranda..."

Miranda: "What? Am I wrong?"

Charlotte: "Don't listen to her, Carrie, it's only been a month. It takes half the total time you went out with someone to get over them."

Carrie: "I always like a good math solution to any love problem.Charlotte: It's the break-up rule -- you and Big only went out for a year so that means that she's got five more months to get over him."

~ Sex and the City ~

Reflecting

Today I'm surprisingly upbeat. I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I arrived at work this morning still feeling down and out but seeing as its Saturday, and I have nothing really to do at work, I started readying previous posts. They reminded me of how far I've come and how much stronger I am now as a person. Some posts made me sad and some made me laugh. But I realized even though I am sad at the loss of X I will be ok. And I was reminded of several of the jerk stunts he has pulled during all of this. Heck he would be lucky to have me, not the other way around. Ok perhaps I am a little bitter, but I think I have earned that right.

Tonight I really want nothing more than to go home and lay around in my comfy sweats, but my friends are not allowing that. For my friend Punk-Rock-Chick's Birthday we are going out. Now Punk-Rock-Chick is a girl I used to work with at the old job (same one I worked at with X) and we have remained close. So she tells me she is not letting me go home and sulk, that I am going out. And we are going south to a club. So when I get off work I'm meeting Giggles and we heading to my house to get ready. Hopefully it will be a fun a night. I think it will be good to get out. I just wish moving on wasn't so hard....

“Watching you walk out of my life does not make me bitter or cynical about love. But rather makes me realize that if I wanted so much to be with the wrong person how beautiful it will be when the right one comes along.”

~ Unknown ~

The End (The Sequel)

I'm to hurt right now to give details but I met with X tonight and it is officially over. I hate it. I hate it came to this. I wish it would have worked out. I wish that I could go back and do things differently. But everything happens for a reason even if at the time we don't understand that reason. Now though I can walk away knowing I tried everything to save us. Before I couldn't say that entirely. I always had the "what if" ~ what if I had done this or what if I had done that. This time I gave it 110 percent and was willing to try anything. Apparently it wasn't enough..... So back to square one.

"When you break up, your whole identity is shattered. It's like death."

~ Dennis Quaid ~

What Your Alive?

Yesterday seemed to be a day of surprises.... Last night I was in the bed and my phone goes off. Big's name flashes on the screen. I lay there not surprised in the least. Because I forgot to mention that yesterday on my drive to work I glance in the rear-view mirror only to see Big's Jeep with of course Big behind the wheel. And you know the great part? I felt nothing! Yep even the sixteen year old girl within me has let that crush go. I never thought I'd be able to say that. And it's great!! I just wish I could go back and redo this year. I wish I would have never been fooled by the empty promises and that the sixteen year old girl within would not have been blinded by what might have been. But we live and we learn.

Anyway it's a text inviting me to come over and drink and hang out with him and Don Juan. Mind you it's 11:45 p.m. on a Wednesday night when I have worked two jobs and want nothing more than a good nights sleep. So I reply saying thanks maybe next time. I then find out why I have not heard from Don Juan in a few months... I mean no Sunday Movie night in forever! Due to lack of work, and to save money he shut his cellphone off. Nice to know they are alive but honestly I was kinda disappointed to find out they weren't rotting in hell as I had hopped (Sorry that was mean ~ but I'm always nice).

"If I went over there I'd be ignoring the one thing she asked me to do when we broke up, jump up my own ass and die."

~ Ross, Friends ~

Life's A Dance

Today I got off work and hustled over to Sports Bar for my first night of waitressing. I'll admit I was a little nervous! Yet excited, cause tonight Blondie would also be working the floor with me. Let me tell you I feel so alive and energized! I enjoy the fast paced atmosphere of working at Sports Bar and the people are great! And of course I'm there for less than 30 minutes and who walks in but Fire Guy. I used to never see him anywhere now it seems I run into him at least once a week. He comes up and gives me hug and talks to me by the bar for a minute than goes and joins his friend at one of Blondie's tables. I was relieved that he was in Blondie's section, cause let's face I still feel kinda weird around him. While grabbing drinks Blondie elbows me and gives me the eye. I smile at her but ignore the eye raise and keep going. I wait on my tables and almost forgot he was there until Blondie ask if I will get him a water. I avoid her obvious setup and get the water delivering it with a smile and continue about my tables. Swirling and twirling like a fast paced dance I am learning the steps to.

The night slows down and I stand by the bar keeping an eye on my tables. Fire Guy and his friend get up to leave. His friend smiles, waves at me, says his goodbyes and heads out the door . Fire Guy comes and takes a seat beside where I stand at the end of the bar. We participate in small talk and he asks how my week has been. I tell him about Hyper and he goes from panic (at her being hit), to somber (when I tell him she'll be ok), to anger (as he asks who hit her). He asks which neighbor it is all prepared to go tell them off. I calm him down explaining it was my elderly neighbor who has since stopped twice to check on her. After a few more minutes of conversation the awkwardness seems to come up as he leans over to give me a hug goodbye.

The rest of the night went good and now I am home enjoying the CMA awards! I'm such a music girl... I love pretty much all kinds of music.

Hyper update: I spoke with the vet today and they said she is doing good. She is sitting up on her own which is a good sign, and her surgery was scheduled for today. I did not hear back from them, and I know how busy they are so I didn't call back today. I figured no news is good news. Now just to wait a few more days till she can come back home!

Yes, I enjoy working at Sport Bar. It helps keep my mind off of X for a short time and all the craziness of everyday life. And it's nice to earn a little extra money! Life's a dance sometimes it's a slow one, sometimes it's a fast one but slowly I'm learning the steps.

"Life's a dance you learn as you go, sometimes you lead, sometimes you follow, don't worry about what you don't know, life's a dance you learn as you go..."

~From John Michael Montgomery's, Life's A Dance ~

The End of an Era

This morning I awoke to silence. No pitter, patter of little feet. No whining or demanding from Hyper to go outside. Silence. I have only had her a few months but my world has revolved around her and her puppy needs so much in those few months that in her absence I don't know quite what to do. But before I know it she will be back home just as hyper as ever! Keeping my fingers crossed anyway.

Have I mentioned that with the combining of offices my hours have been cut back? If not, they have so I'm off Monday and Tuesdays now. Which suck for my paycheck!! But I have a possible job opportunity in the works. I just have to hold out to December to find out..... so for now I'm watching my pennies. So I was faced today with a free afternoon and a friend in need of a helping hand.

Giggles has officially moved in with her boyfriend (I mean she's been living with him for over a year now). Her house has sold so today we packed. As I looked around her house I remembered the good times we had shared here. Nights of coming home late and just stumbling to make it to the couch. Nights of sitting around the kitchen table with my girls and drinks. Laughter and conversation always filling the air. Midnight snacks, card games, mixed drinks, time with friends. Ah the card games! We always enjoyed a good game of P&A.

Reminds me of times when we were young and carefree. It's the end of an era so to speak. When I said this to Giggles today she laughed and pointed out I'm always the sentimental one! And I hate to admit it but she's right.

After packing the majority of the day we decided we deserved a drink! Sports Bar was closed so we settled for our second favorite, the local Mexican restaurant. We each had a drink and chatted over chips, salsa, and of course cheese dip. Can't have Mexican without the cheese dip!!

It was nice to spend the day with Giggles ~ really helped to get my mind off of all the other things that have been racing thru it lately. Friends are great like that. Sometimes they help you by doing nothing but just being there.

(To Ross, Chandler and Joey)

"Hurry! Monica's going to make you pack! She's got jobs for everyone! Now it's too late for me, but save yourselves!"

~ Phoebe, Friends ~

When it Rains it Pours

Today's post is quick and coming from my cellphone due to the kaos of the day. But I am determined not to miss a day of this 30 day blogging. I awoke today already dreading this two year mark. But I was determined it would be a good day and I would do something today in memory of my dad.... little did I know God had other plans. Hyper was hit by a car early this morning. So my day has been spent at the vets hoping she will be ok. The good news is she is going to make it. The bad news is she is going to have to stay at the vets for a week. She has a broken leg and a dislocated hip. X called me this morning to check on me while I was on the way to vet so he met me and went with me to take care of Hyper. This week will be lonely and I will miss my little bundle of energy. But I am so thankful she will be ok!! Sorry for the short post ~ I will update more tomorrow.

Excitement, Adrenaline..... Free

Allow me to curse Bloggers auto save ~ I had written a blog post and even though I hit save numerous times the blog was lost before I could post it..... GREAT! So I will try to recreate it....

As I took the helmet from his outstretched hand I felt excitement, adrenaline, and apprehension run thru my body. I placed the helmet on my head and tilted my chin upward as X adjusted the chin strap for me. X had asked me yesterday if we could hang out today. Having no other plans I agreed. When X and I split he went thru what I tell him was an early midlife crises. In which he did things I never let him do; he got a new tattoo, bought a motorcycle, and a sports car. Now the sports car I would have went for but the other two..... no way. With the turning over of a new leaf however I should be willing to try new things. So when X called this morning and asked if I wanted to go riding I accepted. I mean after all it was a beautiful day out.

I approached the bike and swung on behind X. This was my first time on a bike.... I wrapped my arms around X's midsection and we were off. I tried to keep my mind clear and free from panic. The borrowed helmet was slightly big and frustrated me. As we rode along I found myself enjoying the ride...... and yes this slightly surprised me. I wasn't afraid like I had thought I would be. As the cold fall air whipped around me I felt free. It was exhilarating! We rode over the mountain stopping at overlooks so that I could take pictures of the mountains and the changing leaves. At one of the overlooks X took the camera from me and asked another leaf looker if he would take our picture. There we stood arms around each other, helmets on, smiling with the mountains behind us. I had missed this. The Sunday afternoons when it was just us and we would do anything and everything.

We rode for about an hour and then stopped for a late lunch. We were both cold and had not dressed warmly enough for the cool fall air. So we stopped at the mall and went in search of a long sleeve shirt I could put on under my sweatshirt. As we walked thru the mall X took my hand in his. A warm feeling rushed over me and once again made me long for days past. If I could go back. Sigh. I would do so many things differently! After we both found long sleeve shirts we headed back out into the cool air.

The ride home was cold. As I leaned against X, my arms wrapped around him, my hands in his jacket pockets I couldn't help think how happy I was. I was having so much fun! So much more fun than I thought I would have! All to soon we were back at the house and X was hugging me goodbye. It was almost dark and he wanted to get home before it got dark and even more cold! I couldn't blame him. I let him go hoping that this would not be our last afternoon motorcycle ride.....

“At the end of the day faith is a funny thing. It turns up when you don't really expect it. It's like one day you realize that the fairy tale may be slightly different than you dreamed. The castle, well, it may not be a castle. And it's not so important happy ever after, just that its happy right now. See once in a while, once in a blue moon, people will surprise you , and once in a while people may even take your breath away.”

~ Meredith Grey, Grey's Anatomy ~

Matters of Love

"In matters of love, do actions really speak louder than words?"

~ Carrie, SATC ~

Prepare yourself now for a blunt, emotional, erratic, perhaps one sided post that is laced with grief and astonishment.

Do actions speak louder than words? If so last night X might as well have been behind the fort chunking grenades my way. After leaving mom's and heading home (no I am still not moved out yet) I once again started crying at the memory of a Friday night two years before when my dad passed away (Monday is the actual 2 year mark). X knew this weekend was going to be hard and offered to be there for me if I needed him. Since he went thru everything with me foolishly I believed I might could actually count him...... So last night in need of someone to talk to I called him. Instead of the nice Dr. Jekyll the phone was answered by the hateful counterpart that I have not seen in awhile, Mr. Hyde. To sum it up he told me that his world no longer revolved around me (I understand that) and that he couldn't just drop everything every time I need him (which in over seven years this is only the second time I have ever told him I needed him ~ needless to say he wasn't there for me the first time either). And then he told me he planned on being with me Monday but he couldn't just put his whole life/weekend on hold for me and I should have told him earlier. Angrily I tell him sorry that I couldn't have anticipated how hard the day was nor could I have anticipated all the cancer talk I would be surrounded with.

He wants to argue about "us" and the problems we had. I tell him I cannot handle the burden of "us" right now that I am dealing with to many other emotions. I can hear the hurt in his voice asking me where I was when he needed me. I admit that this year I had dropped the ball but before that I had always been there for him. But I can hear the anger lacing his voice wondering to myself if he has been drinking causing this 180 attitude change from this afternoon. I told him as a friend I really needed him to come over, that I didn't want to be alone. And the truth was I just needed him to hug me as he did that night two years ago while telling me everything would be all right. I pointed out that that is what friends do and that if I picked up the phone right then and called Vixen, Vivi, etc. they would drop whatever they were doing and come be with me. And I would do the same for them. That is what real friends do. His argument, "yeah but I'd never ask you to." And he's right because he wouldn't have to! Then like a knife thru my back he tells me that I have to get over this and move on. Et tu Brute? Comes to mind. Between flat out sobs I tell him bye and hang up the phone.

Babbles has been checking on me all night and at that moment calls. She wants to come over but I tell her no I have to work in the morning and I really must get to bed. So we talk a few minutes, she calms me down and I go to bed wondering if Fire Guy was right. He told me X didn't really care. Was he right? Or as Babbles said is he still just hurt or mad?

So today I awoke numb and feeling surprisingly detached from the situation. By the time I got to work X had called three times but I refused to answer. Let him sweat it a bit. Finally I returned his call and he sounded relieved to hear my voice. He says he wanted to check on me and if I was better today. I told him no and that I had to go, I was at work. He texts me telling me to call him later. I can tell he is sorry he texts all day trying to make amends. So in the end do actions speak louder than words?

Milestones

Today Vixen went in search of a wedding dress. I was slightly bummed because seeing as she is my best friend I hated I couldn't go with her, I had to work. She is going again tomorrow so hopefully I'll be able to leave work early and go with her..... but I'll just have to wait and see.

It is drawing nearer to the two year anniversary of the day my father passed away, making this a hard time of year. Also my bosses father has recently been diagnosed with cancer so that weighed heavy on the air today at work. This brought forth all those old feelings. The helplessness of knowing that the cancer is to far gone and there is nothing that can be done. I'm so numb. I held it together all day at work but as soon as I got in the car I busted out into tears. I feel myself drawing up into my shell. I don't want to face the outside world. I don't even want to talk to my closest friends, because I don't know what to say. X went thru the whole thing with me and knows how hard it was and has still been on me. So he checked on my periodically throughout the day. I don't know why, maybe because he was there, but he is the only person I feel I can really talk about this with. So I guess I am a little overwhelmed and emotionally overloaded.

I apologize because I have a feeling the next few days posts will be rather emotional and perhaps downcast. Perhaps this was not the month to pick for blogging everyday..... I was very much a daddy's girl so the loss of him affected me tremendously and to be honest I have not been the same person since we found out he was diagnosed. We all have milestones in our lives that shape the person that we become. Some are good, some are not, and some come all to soon.

"Oh my God. I've become my father. I've been trying so hard not to become my mother, I didn't see this coming.”

~ Rachel, Friends ~