Matters of Love

"In matters of love, do actions really speak louder than words?"

~ Carrie, SATC ~

Prepare yourself now for a blunt, emotional, erratic, perhaps one sided post that is laced with grief and astonishment.

Do actions speak louder than words? If so last night X might as well have been behind the fort chunking grenades my way. After leaving mom's and heading home (no I am still not moved out yet) I once again started crying at the memory of a Friday night two years before when my dad passed away (Monday is the actual 2 year mark). X knew this weekend was going to be hard and offered to be there for me if I needed him. Since he went thru everything with me foolishly I believed I might could actually count him...... So last night in need of someone to talk to I called him. Instead of the nice Dr. Jekyll the phone was answered by the hateful counterpart that I have not seen in awhile, Mr. Hyde. To sum it up he told me that his world no longer revolved around me (I understand that) and that he couldn't just drop everything every time I need him (which in over seven years this is only the second time I have ever told him I needed him ~ needless to say he wasn't there for me the first time either). And then he told me he planned on being with me Monday but he couldn't just put his whole life/weekend on hold for me and I should have told him earlier. Angrily I tell him sorry that I couldn't have anticipated how hard the day was nor could I have anticipated all the cancer talk I would be surrounded with.

He wants to argue about "us" and the problems we had. I tell him I cannot handle the burden of "us" right now that I am dealing with to many other emotions. I can hear the hurt in his voice asking me where I was when he needed me. I admit that this year I had dropped the ball but before that I had always been there for him. But I can hear the anger lacing his voice wondering to myself if he has been drinking causing this 180 attitude change from this afternoon. I told him as a friend I really needed him to come over, that I didn't want to be alone. And the truth was I just needed him to hug me as he did that night two years ago while telling me everything would be all right. I pointed out that that is what friends do and that if I picked up the phone right then and called Vixen, Vivi, etc. they would drop whatever they were doing and come be with me. And I would do the same for them. That is what real friends do. His argument, "yeah but I'd never ask you to." And he's right because he wouldn't have to! Then like a knife thru my back he tells me that I have to get over this and move on. Et tu Brute? Comes to mind. Between flat out sobs I tell him bye and hang up the phone.

Babbles has been checking on me all night and at that moment calls. She wants to come over but I tell her no I have to work in the morning and I really must get to bed. So we talk a few minutes, she calms me down and I go to bed wondering if Fire Guy was right. He told me X didn't really care. Was he right? Or as Babbles said is he still just hurt or mad?

So today I awoke numb and feeling surprisingly detached from the situation. By the time I got to work X had called three times but I refused to answer. Let him sweat it a bit. Finally I returned his call and he sounded relieved to hear my voice. He says he wanted to check on me and if I was better today. I told him no and that I had to go, I was at work. He texts me telling me to call him later. I can tell he is sorry he texts all day trying to make amends. So in the end do actions speak louder than words?